Southern Girl in the Real World

Bit by Bit

2012-01-13T17:05:00.000-06:00

I've started making more progress on the wedding planning. I picked up and dusted off that wedding planning binder that I bought and cracked it open. I actually started writing in it this time. All I need to secure the reservation at the chapel is to mail in the paperwork. Ceremony site: done!

I have pretty much decided that we're going to use the student union ballroom for the reception. It's just across the street and we can really make it look great without going overboard. It's affordable too! The only thing I worried about was that MSU dining had to be the caterer. I don't have many references for them, but it does make another decision very easy! So I think I'm ok with that. So I've just got to call them Monday and book it.

Next on the list: Photographer, Bakery, Florist.

Too Many Options!

2011-12-29T00:14:00.001-06:00

Update on last week: Goal failed. The weather kinda put a kink in things. Will try again next week!

Tonight I got on a wedding planning kick. I started looking at guest lists, venues, bridesmaids dresses, tuxes, flowers, cakes, etc. I have concluded that there are entirely too many options and ideas out there. I am a very visual person, so I look for pictures of things I like and add them to www.pintrest.com. You simply must check out this site. It has so many ideas for crafts, recipes, weddings, clothes, and more. It's addicting. I have my own "boards" here. Feel free to check those out as well.

I have been engaged for almost five months and I feel like I haven't done much with the planning. I do have almost 11 months left to plan, though. We finally set a date (yay!) for December 8, 2012. I booked the Chapel of Memories on Mississippi State's campus. It's a gorgeous little chapel and it means something to both of us. We met and started dating at State, so it's fitting. So that's two things down.

My mother and I have been hashing out wedding dress ideas and designs. She's going to make my dress! I'm very excited about this. Even though I will have to wait a while to see myself in the finished product, it will be so special and definitely worth the wait.

Just Do It!

2011-12-16T01:56:00.002-06:00

While I'm waiting for the Benadryl to kick in and quiet this noisy brain of mine, I thought I'd take a minute to write.
No, this isn't a post about Nike, but I think their slogan works nicely for where I'm going with this.
Too many times in this life have I over thought and over analyzed an idea or situation and in the end gave up or talked myself out of it. I will never accomplish any goals or get anywhere in life if I keep doing this! I have to "Just Do It!"
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't think about things before you act. God knows this has saved me from embarrassment and mistakes many, many times. But after you consider something, act!
I have been saying far too long that I need to lose weight. I need to cut the high sugar and carb intake, drink more water, and get off the couch. I know this and have weighed all my options, but I fail to act. My wedding is in 358 days. I refuse to not look and feel my best. I will act.
I will set small goals each week so I don't drown in a sea of disappointment and failure. My goal for next week is to walk 4 days and not to drink sodas. I think it's attainable. No, it IS attainable.
I am hoping that this plan will help me feel better about myself and will motivate me to do other things I want/need to do.
Question: What motivates you?

Exciting Changes!

2011-12-14T18:48:00.000-06:00

So you might have noticed that I've made some changes to the ole blog. How do you like it? I've decided that my blog needs a bit of direction. I hope that in the process, maybe I'll get a clue about what direction my life is going in. I want this blog to be less about what's happening to me and more about what I'm doing. Instead of being the receiver, I want to be the doer. I hope to focus more on my hobbies and talents. Things like photography, cooking, crafts, and the like. Anything I happen to be doing at the time. So, let's hope this works.

I would also like to ask a favor of those reading. For the sake of a little research, please post a comment if you read this post. Something as simple as "I read it!" will do nicely. It can be anonymous if you prefer. I'm just trying to get an idea of how many of you are out there.

Thanks!

I'm a big girl now....?

2011-09-10T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well, a good bit has happened in the past few weeks. I'm engaged now. :) I'm very happy and excited about it. I haven't really started planning the wedding. Haven't talked about it much either. Has a lot to do with all the stress right now.

I've been on the road for three weeks doing my job. It's a lot different than I thought it would be. I'm not so sure I'm doing a good job. I don't like being away from home. There's a good bit of stress involved. I'm not competitive or sales-minded. I don't like working 13 hour days or sometimes longer. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I accepted the job. Oh wait, I just wanted a paycheck. I was ready to get my own apartment and be self sufficient. It hasn't worked out so well and now I just feel stuck. Sometimes I think I'm really dense.

I have come to dread two weekends every month. My Love works every other weekend. His work schedule combined with mine doesn't work together very well. Weekends we spend together are amazing. I don't want to do anything other than be with him. Weekends he is working are long and often boring. I travel all week, so the last thing I want to do on the weekends is travel more. So I stay home.

I want things to be different. But I don't know how to change them.

Constantly Moving

2011-07-25T16:13:00.000-05:00

I thought I would update everyone on what's been going on in the past couple of weeks. I have started week three of training. I'll be in Nashville and then Portland this week. Last week was Charlotte. I'm so very tired of planes, airports, shuttles, delays, and layovers. Not to mention hotels and eating out every meal.

Each week is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. We are given so much information that at the end of the day I couldn't tell you my name. Doing my presentation in front of my directors last week was so stressful. Not to mention missing my guy. I hate leaving. It sucks so bad to be gone for 8 or 10 days straight with not much time to even talk on the phone.

I have all my stuff in my new apartment thanks to my amazing sister. But I haven't had a chance to even get things put away. It's bugging me. I would much rather stay home this week and next to get it all settled.

I went this morning to get my car title and tag, car insurance, and my MS driver's license. I'm officially a MS resident again. Yay!!!

I'm stuck at the gate with our flight delayed. Lovely. Have I mentioned that I hate flying?

A World Away

2011-07-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

Tonight I find myself in Pittsburgh, PA. I'm doing a week of training for my new job. I was a mix of excited/nervous/sad. I think it's going to be a good week, but I'm going to miss home. I already miss my other half. There will be a couple days where I won't get to talk long, if at all because of his work schedule and the time difference here. Bummer. :(

I have a roommate this trip. I wasn't exactly thrilled. I guess it feels kinda like camp or some such. Not very adult-like. Oh well. She's nice, but is asleep right now. So I have to be quiet. Boo. I'd much rather have my own room, where I could watch tv or talk on the phone.

I'm not sure I'm going to like this being gone and traveling thing. Yes, there will be things that are neat about it, but I have a feeling on those weeks where I'm gone three nights straight that it's going to get lonely. Not a fan of that. Nonetheless, I have a job to do. Gotta make that green. Oh fun. I've never particularly been fond of having a job. Can't I just stay home?

Perseverance!

2011-06-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

My perseverance in job hunting finally paid off! I accepted a job offer last week. I was so happy and excited to finally have a job and a way to support myself. The things that are going to happen next in my life are pretty exciting.

For this job I have to go to training. It will be about a month long. I will be training in Pittsburgh, Charlotte, Nashville, and Portland. I'm looking forward to the travel and meeting new people. The only drawback is possibly being gone three or four weeks straight. I'm gonna miss him a lot! But we'll make it through alright.

I'm going Monday to look for an apartment. I've been looking around on the internet for several days. I found one place that looked amazing. Too good to be true. It was a huge one bedroom apartment for $200 less than I thought I would have to pay. Well, after I read some reviews on it, I think it really is too good to be true. About 4 reviews mentioned cars being broken into, and another mentioned a shooting! Not exactly what I'm looking for. I'll see all the law enforcement I need to see when my guy and I hang out (he's a deputy, if you're wondering). I don't need them all around my apartment complex! Luckily, I've located another complex with some really great floorplans. I'll even get a room for an office here. Rent is a little more that I'd like to pay, but I'll deal with it to live in a safe and nice place.

I've been trying to figure out my financial situation. All the numbers and calculations, budgets, bank accounts, credit cards and insurance is making my head spin! I've about got it all figured out now though. At least for the moment. I found a nifty Excel template to use for my budget. You can find it here.

I guess that's about all for now. Adios.

Hopes Rising

2011-06-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this job like I do every time, but as usual, it's not working very well. I keep picturing myself doing this job. I just hope it's coming across in the phone interviews. I've had two so far, with one left on Monday. I even dreamed about the job last night! I should know the outcome by next Thursday or Friday. Hoping for the best!

Well...

2011-06-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

I made the cut to finalist, and I have three phone interviews scheduled this week and next. So I'm hoping this pans out. We'll see.

Observation #1:
My friends are blogging more this summer. I like that. I love reading what's going on in their life via the great blogosphere.

Observations #2:
I love summer. These are reasons why: sunglasses, frozen drinks, flip-flops, friends, sand, sun, sunscreen, water, mild nights, free time, country music, citrus, tans, windows down, reading, hobbies, and so much more.

Observations #3:
People in public who laugh at something they're reading or listening to are amusing. I've done it before though, so I can't judge.

Observation #4:
This weekend My Love is going to get a boxer puppy. I am as excited as he is. I love puppies!

Observation #5:
I love coffee shops. Especially this one in Brandon. It's comfortable, relaxing, and fun to go to.

I think that's all the observations I have for now. Stay tuned.

Crossing My Fingers

2011-06-07T13:56:00.000-05:00

I have found a fleeting internet connection and hope it lasts 'til I can finish the post!

Tonight I'm going to an information session about a job. I have to speak while I'm there too. I get so nervous when I speak in public! But that's pretty much what the job requires, so I've got to beat the nerves and do good so they will hire me! I need a job so bad! It would help so many things that are going on right now. Finances, family, my relationship, my sanity. No kidding.

I'm ready for my life to start, so to speak. I'm ready for my days to be filled with meaningful work, seeing my guy, working out, and doing things I enjoy, instead of watching my guilty pleasure in the morning, eating, and searching for this phantom internet connection. It's the highlight of my day when I have an errand to run. I'm 22 years old. I want to be doing things that a single (as in not married) girl should do. Heck, if I make enough money, I may travel some.

I always sit down to blog and think I have so much to say. And maybe I do, but somehow it doesn't all translate from my brain to my fingers. There's so much going on in my head and in my life. Part of it gets cut for privacy sake. I can't put everything online for all to see. Some of it gets left out because I'm forgetful. So I guess that only leaves a little bit left to write about.

I have a chance to go to Washington, D.C. this weekend. It would be an awesome trip, but I'm afraid I'll miss out on a job opportunity. I really can't decide anything until after tonight.

So, we all know that I don't like change. But what if it's change that I had previously wanted? Why do I have a problem with that? I think half my problem is that I have an expectation of how the people I'm close to act. When they act opposite of my notion, I freak out. Even if it's something I wanted. That makes no sense whatsoever. I wonder sometimes what kind of nutcase am I?

Apparently the kind of nutcase who is contemplating joining a roller derby team. I'm not sure if this is one of those I-read-it-in-a-book-or-saw-it-on-a-movie/tv-and-now-I-want-to-do-it urges, or if it's something I could actually do. I guess if I ever get the courage up to go watch a practice, I'll find out.

So I guess I did have a bit to write about today. Go figure. Hopefully my next post will be titled "YOU'RE HIRED!"

The Waiting Game and A Little Mush

2011-05-30T16:21:00.000-05:00

CAUTION: If mushy stuff appalls you, you might want to avoid this post.

But first, I'll talk about the waiting game. I'm learning yet another lesson in patience. I have been applying for jobs for almost four months now. I keep getting discouraged in thinking I'll never get hired. It's tough waiting for employers to respond to applications, and most of the time they never do. I also get stressed thinking about the financial aspect of things. I need a new computer soon. If it goes out, it'll be hard to keep looking for and applying for jobs. Other things like that. I need a job soon. I need to get into a routine. I think I'll be less neurotic that way.

Even through the worry, I still have time for the mushy stuff. Just yesterday I was reminded how much I love him. We were riding in the truck, on the way to get a Blizzard from DQ. The windows were down, music up, and he was singing along. I looked over at him, and he smiled at me. It still gives me butterflies. And I still love holding his hand as much as I did the first time, seven months ago. I don't ever want to lose that feeling. We were talking just the other day about when we first started dating. We didn't waste time getting to know each other. From the first date, we spent pretty much every day together. We have had some great times, and I cannot wait to see what's in store for us. He is so good to me. He takes care of me and loves me more than life.

The heat outside tells me summer is here, but this summer is different than I've ever experienced. It hadn't really felt like summer until yesterday. When we were in the car, riding with the windows down and summer country music playing, it started to feel like it. I'm hoping to go to the reservoir this week sometime for a picnic. Being by the water is very summery.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Back to job hunting...

Ready, Set...

2011-05-21T21:13:00.001-05:00

So I'm not to the "Go" part yet. I wish I was! I really like Brandon. I'm ready to move here, start working, and living. I have an apartment complex in mind where I want to live, but it depends on whether or not they have one open. There are a couple others that would be good too. There's a Curves down the street that I'm thinking about joining. I think it would be a better atmosphere for me to work out in. A regular gym is too intimidating. I'm going tomorrow to the First Baptist Church to see what it's like. I am really hoping something will happen this week as far as a job is concerned. I'm crossing my fingers. I feel like my life is on hold and I'm just biding my time until it gets going again. I know the days ahead will be great. Working, being active, and spending time with my love. It will be great. :)

“It’ll all work out.”

2011-05-13T00:48:00.000-05:00

Please, please do not say that to me right now. I mean, if you really think about it, of course it will work out. There will be an outcome no matter what it is. But how much heartache will it take until it's "worked out?" How many tears until it's "worked out?" How many hurt feelings and broken promises? Well?

Why do I even try? It's almost pointless. I get disappointed again and again and again. So why do I keep going? Why do I apply for jobs? Why do I make promises? Why do people count on me when I can never, ever do anything right?

I am having to fight so hard to keep those feelings away. I cannot, absolutely cannot have a repeat of the same feelings I had last year. I have no reason at all for them, but I didn't have a reason for them last year either. I feel like I could crawl in bed and not come out for a month. I really could this time though. I don't have any obligations as far as school and job are concerned. It's really tempting.

I hate the ache that's inside my heart. I miss him so much it's a physical pain in my chest. I count the days until we can be together again, but when I don't know when that will be, it's even worse.

I hate not having a say in what's happening in my life right now. I keep making plans and having dreams and they are immediately squashed. It goes back to why do I even try?

I hate this.

Running on Empty

2011-05-06T01:40:00.001-05:00

I don't even know where to start. The emotions I have swirling through my head are enough to make even the most emotionally stable person collapse in a heap. I am trying so hard to make things work. I am balancing relationships on either side and myself caught in the middle. I have to think for myself, but also consider what each side is saying. If I try to do what I want to do, I'm accused of acting as someone else wants me to. I do have a mind of my own. At any given time, someone is going to be upset with me. I've almost come to terms with this. That's a big almost.

I hate this limbo I'm in. I am 22 years old. A recent graduate. I have a gnawing desire to be out on my own, doing my thing. I can't make that happen right now and it's about to kill me. I am not a patient person. I have waited and waited for the answer I need, and still haven't heard. I don't know what plan B is. I want plan A to work. Why can't my phone ring, and on the other end hear, "you're hired!"? I need to get hired, get an apartment, get a car, and start living my life as a 22 year old woman. That's what I need.

Sleepless Night

2011-04-16T01:45:00.003-05:00

Nights when I can't fall asleep are always tedious. Sometimes they're difficult, but tonight it's not bad things on my mind. Not bad things, just deep, thought-provoking things. I've done the typical things I usually do to occupy myself until I'm sleepy, but tonight that just added fuel to the fire.

I have a job interview for a job I really, really want in less than 2 weeks. I'm very excited, but nervous and anxious as well. I haven't had many other promising inquiries, and if I don't get this job it's going to be very disappointing. It seems just right for me: what I want to do and am capable of doing in the location I want to be in. I'm going to research as much as possible about the company and the position, and try to be my best at the interview.

I've also been thinking a lot about my future. There are very, very exciting things that I am looking forward to. There are also things that will be very difficult. There are certain aspects that I have no control over, and no idea how we'll accomplish that. But as long as I have the one I love by my side, we can make it though. I am about to head straight into the most difficult and rewarding life I could imagine.

Time for Something New...Another Something New

2011-04-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

Amidst the newness approaching with April 30th, I am facing another new situation: a new car. Alas, on the way to an interview last week, I was in a wreck. I wasn't hurt, but my poor, poor Saturn took the full brunt of the blow. She is totaled. :,( So in the wake of losing my faithful 4 year college companion, I must find another vehicle. I don't have much moo-lah to work with, so I'm going used. Better value for the money anyway. I have a hot lead on a Ford Explorer in Austin. It's maroon. :) And has power petals and leather seats. Fancy! I'm hopefully going to look at it tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed!

My Dress Pants Don't Fit...

2011-03-30T00:04:00.000-05:00

The title of this post brings me to two topics: 1) my clothes not fitting and 2) dress clothes.

As for topic 1:

My clothes don't fit anymore. I've gained some weight since last semester. It seems to always happen in the spring, which is the worst possible time for it to happen because spring precedes summer. Bummer. So I've decided that I can do a diet for 2 weeks. The Special K diet to be exact. Today was Day 1, and it wasn't so bad. I had a protein shake for breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, a granola bar for snack, and a normal dinner. I splurged a little by buying a coke and a small bag of chips (not just any chips- Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, aka crack chips. I'm addicted) this afternoon before my group meeting. Tomorrow I will do better. So here's to hoping I lose those 6 promised pounds in two weeks.

Topic 2:

It's crunch time. And no, not because of the granola bar I'm eating. It's because I graduate in exactly one month. Four weeks. Thirty days. Yep. I'm in overdrive applying for jobs. I think I submitted 6 applications last night alone, and another 2 today. I have two interviews lined up, starting tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. I'm hoping there's more to come. The ideal situation would be to have to chose between job offers. Yeah, I can definitely handle that. We'll see what comes though.

Time to Grow Up

2011-03-25T00:56:00.000-05:00

I really started thinking today about graduation and the end of my college career. I have been in a clean out mood the past couple days so I was cleaning out and organizing my room. As I tried on clothes and decided what to keep and what to donate, and I came across a brown and pink polka dot dress. It's a very cute dress, one that I've worn several times before. I got it at the end of high school and wore into college. I tried it on today (miraculously, this dress escaped the closet shrinkage that my other clothes have been infected with...), and looked at myself in the mirror. It's still a cute style, but it just didn't fit the image of me, a 22 year old, soon to be independent career woman.

I can feel a change coming on, a different stage of life starting where one is ending. On one hand, it's sad that I'm no longer going to be a college student. I'm going to miss lots of things about college. There will be other things I won't miss so much. But I'm definitely excited about what's to come. I'm excited about getting a full-time job and all the challenges and new opportunities that brings. I'm excited about moving into my own apartment again (like I did freshman year of college), but being on my own and independent. Though that brings tons and tons of responsibility with it, I think I'm ready. I hope so anyway. If I'm not, I have people that will always be there to help me. I'm excited about spending the summer with My Other Half and getting to know each other more. The past five months have been phenomenal. I couldn't have asked for more, and I have been happier than I've ever been. But that is a different story. One I could write pages and pages on.

I'm trying very hard to make good decisions for myself, and to form a foundation that will serve me well throughout my life. It's really difficult sometimes. I have to juggle different roles: student, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. It's not easy. But it is fulfilling to have those great relationships in my life. A lot of people don't have that. I'm very blessed in so many ways.

Surrounded by Books

2011-03-02T18:00:00.000-06:00

I'm killing time before my group meeting. I had to come to town early, but didn't want to go back to my house and then turn right around and go to campus. So I'm sitting in the forth floor of the library in a very cozy spot. There's a chair sitting by a window, and there are rows and rows of books to my left. I like being surrounded by books. Makes me feel instantly smarter. Also makes me miss reading for pleasure. I keep saying I'll get a chance to in the summer, but who knows. I'd like to though. I have about 4 books on my shelf at home that I have never read.

The wait is killing me. I have applied for several jobs and have heard nothing from them. I don't think I got the job I interviewed for last week. It's a bummer. I'm going to try to start babysitting again for some extra cash. I hate having to worry about money.

Right Now

2011-02-28T00:50:00.000-06:00

Things on my mind right now:

1) Photography. I want to take more pictures. I see pictures that other people have taken and I'm jealous. And in awe. And it makes me happy. I haven't even picked up my camera in weeks. Sad.

2) Homeschooling. Begin in college now, and about to graduate, I haven't thought much about it recently. I almost miss it. Weird. Never thought I'd say that. But I was reading The Pioneer Woman blog tonight (which is an awesome blog, btw. thepioneerwoman.com) and there was a post from her daughter about homeschooling. There aren't many things I've passionate about, but this is one of them. I lived through all my school years homeschooling and loved it. I never wished to be in public school. And when people throw the "problems" with homeschooling in my face, I get really defensive and want to tear into someone. Especially the "homeschoolers are socially disadvantaged" argument. It doesn't hold water. Do you know how many public or private school kids I've met that are socially awkward? It doesn't matter where you went to school, it matters how you were raised. So it's a terrible argument. I want to homeschool my kids. I realize that everyone will oppose that, possibly even my spouse at first, but it's something I feel strongly about. My mom and dad will be the biggest supporters though. My mom knows first-hand all the trials and rewards involved. She's the reason I want to homeschool my kids.

3) Pizza: With a side of ranch, is in the fridge that is calling my name.

Mobile Blogging

2011-02-24T10:09:00.001-06:00

Because I'm a girl on the go, I thought I would try out mobile blogging. Hopefully I'll be able to post more often this way. It's not too often that I sit down at the computer with nothing else to do but blog. In the last couple weeks, it's not often I'm sitting in one place too long at a time.

It occurred to me this morning walking to class that I should think about 1) things I should do before marriage and 2) things I should do before kids. Not that either one of those things is imminent, but I don't want to wind up looking back and having regrets or trying to be 22 again when I'm a wife and mother. I've known people who have done that and it's not cool. Not for the marriage and not for the kids. So this is just me looking three steps ahead (as usual).

Senioritis is kicking in. Actually, it's kicking like a mule. My attention is all but gone during lecture and my drive to get things done isn't very strong at this point. My major class takes most of my attention, but other classes are way under that in my priorities. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like crap lately. So much so that I'm going to the doctor about it. I hate going to the doctor...

Cross your fingers for my job interview tomorrow at 11. It's a student worker position for this semester. Still waiting to hear about the post-grad jobs I've applied for.

New Reads

2011-02-22T13:32:00.002-06:00

Because of my hectic life at the moment, I don't have time to read books like I'd like to. But I manage time for blogs. And not during class...ahem. Anywho, I'm looking for new and exciting/interesting blogs to follow. Suggestions? Muchas gracias.

Blahs and Boo-hoos

2011-02-17T01:38:00.000-06:00

The past two weeks have been stressful. I haven't been in a great mood. One of those moods where all the little things start meshing together and making one Big Thing that threatens to eat me whole. Not so fond of that feeling. At least it's not the breathing under water feeling. But the past two weeks have been especially trying. I'm to that "I can't do anything right" point. I'm disappointing people right and left. My feelings get hurt way too easily. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've had a perpetual headache for about a week now. Exhausted from the time I step out of bed. School is getting the better of me. Yikes. It's a mess.

Today was rough. I wished I could wake up and try it all over again from the beginning. I'm not sure why these two weeks have been so rough. Nothing earth-shattering have happened. Just small things popping up. A large part of it is my mood and not feeling well. I'm being strongly encouraged to go to the doctor about it, but I'm not so keen on that idea. I know I need to though. Ugh.

I'm tired but I'm in no mood to sleep. I need to work some things out of my system. I'm aware that 1:36 a.m. is a bad time to do that, but it is what it is. I have the urge to go back and read my old journals right now. I was watching a show earlier that was talking about a journal this guy had back when he was a teenager and how his mom found it and read it. I have several old journals about random stuff. Most of them were when I was a teenager too. We'll see what I find.

I'll get to sleep eventually.

Austen

2011-02-09T00:39:00.000-06:00

I've been in a Jane Austen mood lately. I love her books and wish I had time to read them more. I have a good many of the movies that they made from the books. They're all very good. I especially like the BBC mini series of Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

I'm fascinated by the time period and the characters in her stories. The scenery, music, and clothing are all so beautiful. I think it's the allure of another time and place that draws me to it. The stories and characters are not so different than people today. If you take away the clothing and speech, they would act just as people do today. Austen crafts her characters to point out human flaws. The stories are touching and deep, but also have elements of humor. I love it all.

"The Time Has Come"...

2011-01-05T01:07:00.001-06:00

...the walrus said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll

As the title implies, it's time for another post. I should be asleep right about now, but isn't that how things always go.

Christmas break was great. I got time to see my family and spent Christmas morning with people I love. It was hard being away from my guy, but we managed to handle the distance well. I'm back in Starkvegas this week and have been spending time with him and settling in for the next semester. I had a job interview on Monday that I think went very well. I'll get the results of that later this week. (Crossing my fingers that I got the internship!) Classes officially start tomorrow, but I only have Tuesday-Thursday classes. Should be pretty great. I'm in a cleaning mood tomorrow, so I plan on going through closets and such and getting rid of unnecessaries. Better watch out, Mr. Closet Monster, I'm comin' in.

While being in this relationship is more that I ever dreamed or imagined, I need to be careful about some things. My personality is what I'm going to phrase an adapter. I change to fit other people's personality so that everything works. While that's a great thing sometimes, other times I tend to lose a bit of myself. I'm fully aware of it this time around, so I think I can do a few things to make sure I'm not changing to make others happy. Compromise is one thing, complete overhaul is another. I need to make sure I keep around the things that are essentially me. For instance, my guy likes country music. So do I, and have for quite some time now. But there is other music that I like, that I listened to quite a bit before I met him. It's not like he told me I can't listen to that music now, but I just adapt my music tastes to his. Some of it is legitimately that I like the same music, and others it that I listen to it because he likes it. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I shouldn't lose the other kinds of music that I like in the process. Most of the things are very small and not too noticeable. But if I want someone to love me just like I am, I need to be fully myself and not an adapter. I'm working on it.

Things that are essentially me: I like some girly things like chick flicks, jewelry, purses, and other general foo-foo at times. I like classical music, popular rock, and acoustic/bluegrass. As country as I am, there's a good bit of the whole rocker girl there. I'm a bit of a rebel. I'm competitive and independent to a point. I can take care of myself. I really enjoy things like fine Italian food, hot tea, classic literature, plays, symphonies, and museums. I love skiing and ice skating. I dream of going to Italy one day.

Speaking of ice, it's freezing in here. It's interesting sometimes when it's my sister paying the light bill. Needless to say, our heater isn't getting a big workout at the moment. There are currently four blankets on my bed. There would be a few more, but I'm too cold to get up and get another one from the living room. That reminds me, I need to get up and brush my teeth. Sigh. I hate getting ready for bed. I'd like to just fall into bed and pass out. But no, I've got to wash my face, take meds, and brush my teeth. Oh well. Here goes. Until next time, goodnight to my wonderful world of internet readers.

Thousand Dollar Wit

2010-12-28T17:21:00.001-06:00

Soo... Recently my posts (though sparing) have been somewhat in the direction of the not so happy. Ok, downright depressing. But I've decided to pull out that thousand dollar wit and humor again to have you thoroughly entertained. Ok, so somewhat amused at least. I hope. Ahem.

So let's get the ball rolling. Since I don't have anything in particular to rant about nor do I have an appropriate soapbox topic as of late, I'll go on about what's going on in my life. I know you're on the edge of your seat now.

I successfully (depending on how you define success) finished another semester of college. I passed all my classes and didn't bomb my gpa too bad. I have ONE more semester left! It can't end soon enough. But then again, I like the college life. Just not the classes, tests, teachers, and that sort of stuff. Ah well. I'm taking 12 hours (the least number of hours I've had in the history of ever) and I'm looking forward to it. I also hopefully will have an internship (cross your fingers Monday morning). I hope it will be the jump-start I need to begin this whole career thing.

I am happier than I've been...pretty much ever. Most of that is due to a wonderful addition to my life. You'll probably get tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. This is my blog, after all. I figure if you didn't like hearing me ramble on, you would have stopped following long ago! (Because rambling is my middle name. Ok, not really. That would be awful silly. My momma loves me more than that.) Anywho, back to the topic at hand. I am being treated like the inner princess that I am (tongue-in-cheek here, people) and we have so much fun together. I have finally found someone who can be as goofy as I am, and understands all my random cartoon movie references. Hello, first date we watched The Emperor's New Groove. Can you say keeper? That's all I'll go on about right now. Stay tuned for more gushing. ;)

I have direction in my life and that makes me happy as well. I like having a plan. And making lists. And brainstorming. And being organized. Probably to the point of obsession, but hey, one must obsess about something. Or somethings... I digress. So here's the plan (I've stopped putting letters e.g. A, B, C because there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet...): Get an internship and finish my last semester of college. I love multitasking. Yay. Then, in a perfect world, that internship would morph into a full-time job. If not, I'll find a full-time job somewhere. I want to stay in the Starkville area for a while. That will allow me to save up some money and get my feet under me. That's about as far as I've gotten, but it's much farther than I was just a couple months ago.

I am in a crafty mood as of late. Not the trick you kinda crafty, but the make cool stuff out of regular stuff kinda crafty. My project in progress is making Christmas ornaments. Yes, I'm aware that December 25th has already passed. I'm looking ahead to next Christmas. They're made of paper circles that you score and glue together to form a geometrical sphere thing. I'll have to post a picture later. Hard to explain. Anyhow, they're made with cool vintage/old fashioned-looking paper. I think that shall be the theme to the Christmas decorations I'm amassing slowly. I've decided to get three jars. One with $, another with $$, and the third with $$$ written on them. In them I'll put slips of paper with ideas for craft projects. Most of the ones I do right now will probably come out of the $ jar, seeing as how I'm broke most of the time.

I have a fabulous idea to start my own business. I want to be a special events coordinator. (That's my official title. Party planner sounds a bit unimpressive). I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, some of which have landed on paper in my Book of Gradios Ideas. Yes, it has a title. Just go with it. I have a rather large bubble around my head and would hate to have it slap someone in the face when it popped. Just sayin'.

So there are some random, off-the-wall, crazy things that are going on right now. Hope you were enterta--I mean, slightly amused. Adios por ahora.

The Center of a Pound Cake

2010-12-20T19:38:00.000-06:00

Tasting the hottest hot sauce in Texas

and there’s no bread nor milk

anywhere around.

Pressing your face into the glass

of the cake shop downtown

knowing you can’t afford McDonald’s

much less a $2,500 wedding cake.

Going for hours after eating

a bowl full of pistachios

without a single glass of water

to soothe that burning saltiness

on your tongue.

Smelling the forbidden pecan pie

in the oven your mother

is taking to the church picnic,

knowing you’ll never get a slice.

Running to the kitchen

after a terrible day at school,

looking behind the Slim Fast

for the hidden tub of cookie dough,

then realizing your brother

ate all of it.

Missing you is worse

than the lingering burn

on the tongue after a too eager

bite of steaming, buttered cornbread.

How to Go From Boredom to Philosophy

2010-12-20T19:36:00.002-06:00

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

Secondary labor market, economy, administrations—

Save no room for these words in your head.

Fill your mind with more important musings, not

the secondary labor market, economy, or administrations.

Let the words from the front breeze by your ears while

your mind is filled with more important musings.

Only come because of the guilt.

Let the words from the front sting your ears

while you are busy making grand life plans.

Only come because of the guilt

of skipping the past three classes.

Be busy making grand life plans

none of which involve sitting in this class.

Skip the next three classes so that you can

spend the whole next day contemplating your perfect love life.

Nothing you want in life involves sitting in this class.

You can’t help that you have no more room left in your head

because you spend your days contemplating your perfect love life.

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

All This and None

2010-11-28T02:29:00.002-06:00

I am grey-green eyes looking

straight into you,

softness and fire.

I am an off-center smile scrunching one cheek

in amusement or embarrassment;

lips that hold cutting

sarcasm or a goodbye kiss.

I am grown in Magnolias,

matured in the Lone Star;

the paradox of sunset, constant

but changing.

I am pearls bouncing on the collarbone

going secret speeds

on a crotch rocket,

Michael Bublé in all black and chains.

I am the iris looking at life

through an 18-55 mm lens,

memories like pictures capturing

moments, smiles, emotions.

I am sweet potato casserole, thick black coffee,

clinking iced tea and the middle

biscuit won by a quick hand.

I am a picture of who

I’ll become, a thousand words morphing

into countless pages.

I am all this and none,

more than this ink on blank white,

scrawled down out of half duty

and half inspiration.

I am a question mark in the middle

of the sentence.

Much Thanks to Give

2010-11-25T00:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted much lately, so to regain my "chatty" status I thought I would write a little about what's going on in my life right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so I started thinking about all the things I have to give thanks for. I cannot even begin without thanking God for everything he has done in my life. Every breath is due to his grace. Without him my life would be totally meaningless. It really is true that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father. He has given me so much.

My family is amazing. My father always gives the best goodnight hugs. He has set an example of hard work and dedication in our family. I love his sense of humor, the way he teases my mom, and everything he has ever done for me. My mother is an awesome person. She has always been there to hold me when I cry and make things better. She tells me when I mess up, but doesn't rub it in my face when I realize she's right (which she always is!). She teaches me so many things. She has shared a love of cooking, reading, sewing, and designing. If I turn out to be half the woman she is, I'll be happy. My sister is probably the strongest person I know. She's determined and passionate. We have great times together laughing until we cry and general goofing off. I can always count on her to tell it like it is. My brother is so talented. He can play just about any instrument and he's athletic too. He and I play silly games and are constantly quoting movies back and forth. I love my family so very much and couldn't do without them. It's amazing that they love me and put up with me like they do!

God has blessed me with an awesome boyfriend. At the point where I thought I would be alone for a while, if not the rest of my life, I met this man. He is so special to me even in the few weeks we've known each other. We laugh together, have serious discussions, or just sit down and be near each other and it's all amazing. He treats me like a princess and takes care of me, but also lets me be me. He is strong, caring, and a leader. He can be goofy and have me rolling on the floor laughing, or so incredibly sweet that the things he say make me wanna cry because they touch me that much. Since he has been around, I don't even think about people or situations that have hurt me in the past. I don't know exactly what will happen in the future, but I do know that I am loving every second of the present.

I'm so very thankful to have great people in my life. At points in my life, there have been people who have touched me in ways I never thought possible. Whether those people are still in my life, or have moved on, I'm still thankful for them nonetheless. There have been people who helped me through rough times, taught me, mentored me, been there to listen or give advice, or simply just be around. You know who you are. Thank you.

I am so very glad to be almost done with school. I have but two weeks left in this semester, and one more semester to complete until I graduate. 5 months and 5 days from now, I will be a Mississippi State Alumnus. I have applied for an internship at a bank here, which might turn into a full-time job. Hopefully I'll hear whether I get an interview during Christmas break. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm not as worried about finding a job because I have a little bit of direction now. I know that things will work out. I've seen evidence of it, and I have a promise that God will work things out for good. I really believe that in my heart now. I doubted it for a while, but now I'm sure.

What are you thankful for?

Lately

2010-11-19T20:12:00.002-06:00

Life is good.

A Noche

2010-10-31T23:53:00.000-05:00

Lonely nights are not fun. Maybe one day I won't have to hate that time right before I go to bed, when my head is going non-stop and my heart aches.

Super Glue

2010-10-14T16:30:00.013-05:00

I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.

I had a super amazing weekend. We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend. Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day. The whole day was pretty fun. We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game. Then we beat UH. Great day. On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on. Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house. One of those "had to been there" kinda things. Sunday was more laid back. We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns. I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time. Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well. We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon. Great time just hanging out and talking with people. Monday was our San Antonio adventure. We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza. It was really great. I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents. I miss them so much! I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life. I try never to take that for granted. No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.

After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up. Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself. I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it. I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life. Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change. If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well. I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work. The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me. On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me. I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me. What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord? Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it. The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company. It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me. There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much. But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person. I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God. He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life. Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse? "He will give you the desires of your heart." I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that. God has most definitely put a dream in my heart. I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon. And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack. Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right. That's what I'm banking on.

It's That Time Again

2010-10-13T13:27:00.001-05:00

I should blog soon.

Dog Bites

2010-09-30T00:31:00.000-05:00

If you had a dog that bit you every time you touched it, would you keep petting it? No! That would be dumb. So why do I do the exact same thing? How many times does it have to hurt before I quit reaching out? I can predict what will happen. It's not like I'm ignorant of it, I just disregard it. I tell myself that I deserve better and don't do it again; I'm through! And then I turn around and act like a fool again. How I must look to people. So foolish and stupid. Maybe I'll learn one day.

Desperation

2010-09-21T15:02:00.002-05:00

There’s a lonely man thinkin’ about a long lost love
The gleam in a young girl’s eye
The content of a man just in from the cold
With a pretty young thing by his side

But he threw it away like a lifetime wasted
Still learnin’ what he ought to know
Once a fresh young buck now he’s down on his luck
And the miles are startin’ to show

So if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

There’s a lonely girl sitting with a chip on her shoulder
Feeling that time’s runnin’ out
The dismay of a woman who never saw it coming
Never knew what it was about

The confusion of a girl who watched as her whole world
Completely unraveled at the seams
Once the toast of the town now it all comes down
To findin’ the man of her dreams

And when the lights go down and you’re all alone
You think you’ll never find love but you don’t wanna go home

But if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

By Mickey and the Motorcars

Life Recently

2010-09-15T13:54:00.001-05:00

I really haven't done much writing on here since the semester started. Not because I don't have time, but I really don't have the energy to sit down and sort out all my thoughts. I try to stay busy with things that I don't have to think about too much. But I'm sitting here in the Union, as I always do on Mondays and Wednesdays. I have a ridiculous break, about three hours to kill. Most of the time there's someone sitting there with me, but right now they're occupied doing other things across the table from me. So it's a good a time as any.

School is going well. Even with 18 hours, the work load isn't unbearable. I have a feeling this will change when midterms roll around in a couple weeks, but it's nice for now. I'm taking three elective classes, so that's nice. One of them I actually like- floral design. The only thing we've done so far is listen to lectures, but tomorrow I get my first set of flowers and have to make things with them. Pretty excited. My Italian class is good too. There's a lot of learning I have to do on my own. Basically we're supposed to learn it from the book and just practice in class. Not my favorite way of doing things, since I learn better audibly, but oh well.

As far as my "love life" or whatever you want to call it, it's non-existent. Refer to the previous post. I have a slight crush, but I've decided not to give it much attention or thought. It would inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment. I don't hang out with friends as much as I did, either. I miss it.

There's never a shortage of drama in my life. Whether I create it or it just happens, I'm not sure. But nevertheless it's there. I tend to struggle with the same things over and over again. I think I'm over it, then it comes back and bites me in the butt. I'm rather tired of it, honestly. But what can I do?

In other news, I still don't know what to do with my life. Big surprise, right? I'm tempted to find a job somewhere, just any good job, and move off somewhere a good way off and start fresh. Start saving for a few things I'd like to buy. Try to enjoy being young and single for a while. I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going home this weekend. I can't wait. I need family time. Time where I can be the kid and let my parents worry about stuff instead of me. OK, so that's probably just a delusion, but it will be nice to be with everyone for a little while. I miss my parents. I need a hug.

Can't Sleep for the Rambling in My Head

2010-08-29T00:48:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the BSU. We had a good time, but I'm pretty tired. That being said, I can't sleep because there is too much on my mind. Lots of randomness floating around up there. So here goes:

WARNING: Not for small eyes. I'm speaking rather candidly here and my filter is all but gone tonight. Also, if you're male and get offended really easily, it might be best for you to hit the back button right now.

1) Friday was not so great. Several people were getting on my nerves. I was even getting on my nerves. And sometimes I get in these "I'm pissed off for no good reason" moods. Other times, I have good reason.

2) I'm so sick of emotions. Can I just live without them for a couple days so that I can have a break? I'm up and down all the time. Not cool in the least.

3) The people who hurt you the most are those who are closest to you.

4) Why do people give up when things are hard and circumstances aren't perfect? If you want to be with someone, why would you let things stand in your way? There is always a way to make do, to work it out, to compromise until things are better. Do they give up because it's hard? Inconvenient? Just don't care enough?

5) If we would stop for just a millisecond and consider how the next word out of our mouth or our next action will effect the person we're around, maybe we would say something different or not act quite the way we would otherwise. Think about someone other than yourself! That little inside joke that seems funny to you might really be hurtful to the person you say it to. If someone had expressly told you not to bring that subject up again, and you do it anyway, how insensitive and uncaring do you have to be to keep on bringing it up?!

6) Sometimes when I talk, I think all that gets through to the person I'm talking to is static. I talk until I'm blue in the face and I get absolutely no feedback. Maybe some stupid cop-out or excuse, but nothing of value, nothing sincere. I'm so tired of talking. When there's a problem, I'd love for that person to come to me to work it out, not the other way around. I try and try and try to make things work and no one cares. (Fyi, I really wanted to cuss right then. Thank goodness for the backspace key.) That's it. I can't try anymore. No one cares, so why should I?

7) Guys are dumb. Seriously. I've had it with the whole gender. Trying to have a relationship is crap. It doesn't work. Not for me, at least. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't know, but what I do know is that if I stay away from it, it won't be a problem anymore. Guys could care less what I think or feel. They feed me all this utter garbage about me being pretty and special and thinking I'm the greatest. "There's just something about you." "You're amazing." "The way you make me feel is amazing." If I hear those things one more time, I think I'd barf on his shoes. You cannot tell me that crap then turn around and do the things you do. Or don't do. Inaction is 100x worse than action sometimes. If he's doing something, at least I know he's trying and that he cares. If he doesn't do anything, that shows me that he could give a rat's hiney about me or my thoughts or feelings. Getting mad at him doesn't work either. I can yell and scream and cuss, and nothing gets through. The best I get is a shocked face after I use a choice word. They can't even give me the satisfaction of being mad at them. Right when I get good and steamed, I get a text message with an apology. UGH! Couldn't you let me fume for at least 20 minutes?! And seriously, a freakin text message? Grow some balls. I don't know what you male people want from me. I just don't get it.

8) The room feels like it's spinning right now. Don't know why. Makes it kinda hard to type, fyi.

9) The people I complain about, who really need to hear what I say on here, never read it. The things I say don't get through. If it wasn't a way for me to vent my frustration without imploding, it would be pointless to even say anything about it. I'm pretty much preaching to the choir. Or maybe to no one, I really don't know. Most of what I say on this blog is insignificant anyway. In fact, most of my pathetic, high school drama filled life is insignificant. Apart from Christ, I really wouldn't have much worth.

10) I'm sick and tired of all this crap that's cluttering my thoughts and make me want to just stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to deal with it. I'm so weary, cynical, and jaded right now, it's not even funny.

Beginning and Ending

2010-08-19T22:04:00.001-05:00

The end of the summer is always a bittersweet thing for me. I know I always say that, but it's true. Having two different lives in two different states is really hard for me. I hope soon it won't have to be that way.

I wrapped up the summer by spending the weekend at the lake. I drove up on Friday evening and left Sunday afternoon. The weekend was great. I spent some time with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I also love being out on the boat. This time we got to ride jet skis. It was the first time I'd driven jet skis and it was awesome. I also decided to try my hand (or feet, rather) at wake boarding. I was super nervous the first time. And it took me about ten tries to finally get up on the water. After trying and trying, I started to get discouraged, but the first time I got up on the water, even though I didn't stay up long, the feeling was incredible. I had accomplished something I didn't think I could do.

Being at the lake allows me to go outside, usually after our Bible study on Saturday night, and think about the things that are going on in my life at the moment. It's not always fun to process the different problems that are going on, but for me it's necessary. I went to sit down by the water and let the open air and open sky clear my head. I didn't find any magical answers there, but it felt good just to have room to breathe and let out some stress.

Things I miss about Texas: Family, kolaches, Texas country music, my Sunday school class, open space, low humidity, wide roads, fast speed limits.

I've decided I'm a speed junkie. There's no feeling close to the one where you're racing along at high speeds. It's exhilarating, thrilling, and takes my breath away. I love the feeling, and it's the closest I can get to euphoria for now. Too bad I don't get to experience it very often. Perhaps someday though.

Wake boarding took a toll on my muscles so the drive back to MS was hard and long. I'm still sore from doing it, but it was worth it. It's good to be back in MS and start the school year. My last year--wow. It's hard to believe. College has flown by. I'm not going to start on all the things I'll miss, because I have one more year left to enjoy them to the fullest. I'll save that blog post for April 30, 2011.

Aerial Photographs

2010-08-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

Check out these photos. I never would have thought aerial photography could be this beautiful. It shows how different our world is, across all the continents.

http://justpaste.it/3ky

The Great Empanada Adventure

2010-08-06T21:01:00.001-05:00

I made my first test recipe tonight-Chicken Empanadas. You can find the recipe here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/chicken-empanadas-recipe/index.html

The recipe was easy to follow and make. It did take a bit of time though, and getting the oil the right temp was a challenge. They were very tasty though! This is definitely something I could make if I had a catering business. Maybe a part of a Mexican or Tapas menu. Ahhh the possibilities!

Same Sunset

2010-08-04T21:05:00.002-05:00

I think I've taken this particular shot about 20 times since I've been home. This is my favorite spot near sunset. I love the trees becoming a silhouette as the sun goes down. Even though I take this shot a lot, the pictures never come out looking identical.

I've decided that I'm going to test recipes this coming year. I've been toying with the idea of owning a catering business somewhere in the future, so this would be a good start. I even have a handy-dandy notebook. ;) I'll have to post the ones that are really good. Or should I keep them secret? Hmmm...

Recent Photos

2010-07-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

Good and Bad

2010-07-21T23:38:00.001-05:00

There are good and bad things about living by yourself. Good: you can walk around in your underwear. Bad: there's no one to welcome you home after a long, hard day at work. Good: you can watch or listen to whatever you want, whenever you want. Bad: having to constantly have the tv or radio on because the house is too quiet. Good: you can have whatever you'd like for supper. Bad: cooking and eating alone. Good: peace and quiet, and not having conflict with another person. Bad: having to deal with the conflict in your mind.

On another note, a while back I was working on a photography project for my class. I was trying to get the hang of panning so I was outside taking pictures of the horses. The dogs were out chasing them (btw, that's a funny sight, little dachshunds chasing Tennessee walkers) so the mare and her filly were running around the pen. I was standing in the middle snapping shots. I didn't get the hang of it on that try, but I got some neat pictures anyway. My mom fell in love with one of them I took. The colors are all washed out because it was taken with the aperture all the way open and the shutter speed was too slow. She still thought it was cool and didn't even want me to Photoshop it. So she tells me the other day that she's ordered this photo to be printed onto a canvas. I was shocked and flattered too! My picture printed on canvas? Too cool!

So here's the original photo:

And here's the canvas version:

I like. :)

Yesterday, I discovered a turtle in our pool. I thought he wasn't alive at first, because usually when you walk outside, they dive underwater and you don't get to see them. This guy was floating near the top and didn't move until I touched him with the net. He wasn't that fast of a swimmer, so I was able to catch him and get him out of the pool. I didn't want to just put him in the yard because the dogs might get him, or he'd wind up right back in the pool. So I put him in a container and drove out to the pond. I figured he'd be pretty happy there.

For Sure Not Now and Probably Not Ever...

2010-07-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

I can finally put it to rest. I thought I had months ago, but sometimes we don't realize what we're holding inside until someone comes along and pokes a hole in us. But after three miserable days, I have an answer. So that's that. I'll still have to deal with memories, but those will fade in time. I hope anyway.

An old dream was resurrected, but now that it's dead for good, I can go back to my new dream. The one that doesn't cause hurt and confusion. I'm going to get there come hell or high water. It may take me forever, but I will get there.

You Mean I Have to Make A Living?!?!

2010-07-15T21:02:00.000-05:00

I started a new blog about finding the perfect career and job hunting. Check it out here.

A New Dream

2010-06-24T23:53:00.004-05:00

Today I started thinking about where I want to live after college. It's something I've thought about before, but have always been overwhelmed by it, so just stopped thinking about it for now. Today I decided to let my mind wander. I'm reading a book set in South Carolina, near the coast. I guess it inspired me to find out more about that area. I've been to SC before, and it's gorgeous there. I have been wanting lately to live near the coast. I love the beach so much. I know I won't be able to afford beach front property, but just living near it would be amazing. I also want to be in a smaller town or just outside town. So I started looking at different coastal towns in SC. Eventually I started looking at houses and my mind went wild with possibilities. So here's what's shaped in my mind so far:

Picture a small house just off a quiet street. It's a pretty pastel color-maybe light blue or yellow-with white trim. There are flower pots and a rocking chair on the front porch. You can smell salt in the air and know you're close to the coast. Inside the colors are soft but bright. Lots of whites, blues, greens, pinks, and purples. The furniture looks like it has been there for fifty years, and while it doesn't all match, it compliments each other. There are accents from all over the world, and pieces I've collected over the years. Porcelain dolls from Austria, a tea pot from England, lace from Romania, sand in a jar from Florida, cowboy boots by the fireplace, black and white photographs of historic places, and pictures of friends and family. It feels comfortable and lived in. Two dogs nap on the couch. A cat wanders through the living room. The back yard is neat and shady with plenty of space to have a cookout. A hammock provides the perfect place to read or catch a nap. The house reflects all the facets of my personality and fits me perfectly.

I have a job that I enjoy doing. It may not seem exciting and full of drama to some people, but I make a difference and enjoy the work. I find a small-ish church that I love and get involved in. I make it down to the beach several times a week to walk the dogs or enjoy a sunset. I try to talk myself into running or going to a gym every once and a while. I take day trips to nearby historical towns to take pictures. In my spare time I'm working on my house or yard, or editing pictures, reading, or learning how to do something.

I envision a quiet kind of life, somewhat secluded until I establish relationships. I never thought I'd be happy living by myself, but it's becoming more and more desirable. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I would be free to make some decisions for myself, doing what's best for me at the time. It think it would be a time for me to grow a lot and get a good start in "the real world." Hopefully I would spend time growing in my relationship to God, finding lasting relationships with people, especially older women who could mentor me, and developing my character more.

Now, I know very well that all of this will not happen exactly like I want it to. That's why they call it a dream. But it is something I can work towards. I'm excited to finally have some direction now.

Commentary and Messages

2010-06-21T22:02:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was time. I always have a myriad of things to say, but when I actually sit down to write, it escapes me. There are so many things through the day that I want to say. My mind is like a running commentary on the world around me and how it effects me. Take lunch today for example. I was in Austin working, and decided to go out to lunch instead of bringing my lunch with me. It breaks up the routine and honestly I was ready to get out of the office for a while. I finally found my way out of the sketchy part of town where I work, and went to a deli. I went inside, ordered food, and sat down at a table. Shortly my food came out and I began to eat. I was in just the right spot to watch people as they walked by, getting food and finding tables. So naturally I added commentary in my head.

I also did something I haven't done in a while. I got my plate, picked up my fork, and thought, "I need to say the blessing." I had already taken a bite. But then I thought, "What if I talk to God as I'm eating? Like I would do if I were eating with a friend." Now before you go thinking I got all spiritual and holier than thou during lunch, I'll clear things up for you. It wasn't earth shattering. The heavens didn't open up right there in Jason's Deli and shine down on me. It was more like a text message conversation between me and God. I shot him a few quick messages, and he even responded. Or, more accurately, I read his response. I had been having a craptastic morning (being Monday and all) and after that, my mood lifted a bit. I didn't skip outside, but I at least had enough peace to finish the day at work. I think it's a good start. Tomorrow I'm going to find another way to have a conversation. Perhaps we'll even progress to a phone call. :)

My Favorite Jeans

2010-06-11T23:46:00.008-05:00

I'm trying out a new look for my blog. Not sure if I like it yet or not. Seems a little hard to read. Feedback?

I'm back in Mississippi right now. It always feels good to come back here. It's like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. It's comfortable and familiar. They're soft and worn-in, fitting perfectly in every way. I don't always wear my favorite pair of jeans, but I'll never throw them away. I'll pull them out every once and a while and remember all the memories that were made while wearing them.

Every time I think about it, It's like the realization hits me anew each time--I'm a senior. This is my last year of being a college student. Wow. I'm sad, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time. I know I'll be ready to move onto the next thing by next year, but for now I'm going to enjoy what's left.

This week was so tiring. I was almost to the point of burnout by the time it had ended. I worked every day but today, and helped at VBS at night. So there were a couple days I left at 7 and didn't get back home til 10 that night. That makes for a terribly long day. I don't when I have been so exhausted. One day at work I fell asleep at the computer! Not good. It didn't help that I kept finding unfriendlies (in the form of scorpions) in my room. Now, not much bothers me or freaks me out. Not snakes, bugs, rats, and even most spiders. But scorpions are a different things altogether. They are creeptastic. Ick. I wasn't so much of a chicken as not to fix the problem when it presented itself, but what I really wanted to do was stand on my chair and yell for my dad to come and kill it for me. I think he wouldn't have like that very much, because it was late at night, so I cowgirl-upped. Didn't have to like it though. So there were several things that made this week long. But I'm finally to the weekend and back in Mississippi.

Sunday starts the beginning of a grand adventure with my awesome friend/roomie! :) I'm so very excited for her to come and visit me in Texas. I plan on showing her some of the flavors of the area we live in and some Texas culture in general. Aside from that, we have girl-talk to catch up on. I've missed her, my sister, my other roomie, and all my amazing friends soooooo much already this summer. I depend on them to be there for me, and they always are. I love y'all so much.

I'd like you to keep someone in your prayers, as he is in mine. A very good friend is spending his summer in Peru, and could use prayers for his health, patience, guidance, and for him to be open for God to use him this summer. Whether he reaches one or one hundred, it will be all for God's glory.

Here's some MSU news for you: my brother will now be joining ranks as an official Bulldog this fall! I'm so happy he's decided to come here. Also, cowbells have been legalized in the stadium again. What an amazing year this is going to be!!!

But for now, let's enjoy what's left of summer. It may have its downs, but when else can you find that deeply warm feeling of the sun on your face, playing in the water wherever you can find it, riding with the windows down blaring the newest summer tune, lazy evenings grilling with the family, and late night talks in the humid air under the stars. All these things are priceless to me.

Redeeming Love

2010-06-01T12:06:00.003-05:00

Last night I finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, you need to. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, 20 or 80. You need to read it. This is not your normal Christian fiction book. I wouldn't call it a pleasure read either, because as I was reading this book, I was convicted, and I cried. If you don't know anything about the book, I won't give anything away, but I'll tell you it's a story like that of Hosea in the Bible. I identified with Angel more than I would like to admit. I found in her my own weaknesses and vices, fears and doubts. I began to love Michael as she did, and have raised my standards quite a bit because of it. I don't know if there are guys like Michael in existence today, outside of fiction, but I've decided to wait and see. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes. Unconditional love has been something that I've known about, but never really seen an example that touched me like this book. It's amazing to me that every time we go back to our old, reckless, dirty ways, God comes to get us and waits for us to come back into His arms. I found a way back to God and to the forgiveness he offers freely if we only ask. I don't want to wander from Him again. I probably will, because I'm human, but knowing that He'll always be there with me is a feeling I can't describe. He loves me. Really loves me.

It struck me that there are two kind of loves. There's the love that you think is the real thing. You feel amazing when they are near you. You dismiss their faults, ignoring them when they come up and only looking at the good things. It's a love of convenience. You cling to them like they are the only thing that can give you happiness and worth. You would do anything to be with them, even things that aren't right. But in your mind, it's justified because you "love" them. When they leave, the hurt you feel is indescribable. It feels like your heart is sinking inside your body. You know you shouldn't feel like that but can't help it.

The other love is different. You still feel amazing when they're around. But that person isn't you sole source of happiness and worth. They add to it substantially, but both of you know that only God makes you whole and gives you worth. This is a love that lasts a lifetime, not just for a season. I don't know everything about this love, because I've never experienced it, but it is my goal.

Full Swing

2010-05-29T00:16:00.002-05:00

Summer has gotten started. It's been good so far. I've worked a lot, which is both exciting and tiring. I'm not used to getting up so early, especially on the mornings when I have to be in Austin at 8:30. It's quite a commute. I don't mind it so much. It's time I get to think, listen to music, or listen to an audio book. At my internship at the Red Cross, I'm learning all that's involved in running a non profit organization. It's not just the front lines stuff that people see. There's a ton of stuff that goes on day-to-day that makes the first response in a disaster possible. I think I'm heading in the right direction as far as a career. I could get into this. While a good bit of it may be office work, there's new challenges every day. I doubt you'd encounter two days exactly alike.

My other job, the one that pays, is filling in at the vet clinic in town. We're good friends with the receptionist and the vet. It's been neat working there too, because in addition to the money, I get to talk to Doc. He's a very interesting man. He's super intelligent, and we have actual deep conversations. They're about random topics too. He likes to pick my brain, as he calls it.

I've been adding to my calendar steadily, but it's mostly work related. I'm not getting to go to concerts like I had hoped. I'm not sure why I bothered to look them all up and get excited about going. Surely I knew deep down that there wouldn't be anyone to go with me. I have successfully alienated, one way or another, anyone who I used to hang out with in Texas. One relationship shouldn't have even started, and it fell to pieces around me. I'm reeling with the consequences of that. The other, I'm not sure what happened. I guess I pissed them off. I honestly was a butt about some things and attempted to apologize in person and not on the internet, but wasn't given the time of day. I don't know what to do now. Nothing I guess. Obviously they want to be left alone. I guess all of that to say that I'm starting to feel a little lonely.

I'm excited about my roomie coming to see me though. She has never been to my house out here and I know we'll have an awesome week together. I need her friendship so badly! I don't know what I'd do without her. If only my other roomie could come, the week would be complete. I miss her too!

I've been all teary this evening. Not sure why exactly. Maybe I need a good cry. I'm getting that achy wanting in my chest again. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I probably couldn't explain it.

Venting

2010-05-14T01:06:00.002-05:00

Why do we feel the need to vent to other people? Especially via social networking? When you've got a problem with someone or something, isn't there the tendency to update your status, tweet, or write a blog post about it? Even if you don't act on the impulse, surely it's there. Or maybe perhaps I'm generalizing. I know I have those tendencies. Just tonight, I was on Facebook (as usual) and I came across some things that aggravated issues that I've been dealing with. My first inclination was to update my status with some vague statement or song lyrics that I hoped one person in particular would read. Why would I do that? It seems absurd. I should be able to just tell that person what I think, but I don't often possess that ability.

I can usually express myself in writing, which is the main reason I have this blog. It's somewhere to let my thoughts loose. Some of those thoughts should be kept to myself I think. I sometimes forget that I'm not sending these posts out into thin air, but before the eyes of people, perhaps even people close to me. I should be careful what I say.

I had hoped when I started this blog, a little less than two years ago, that it wouldn't turn into a place where all I did was complain. Seems like lately that's what it's become. I'm going to work on that this summer. I want this to be a place where you might find encouragement, information, advice, or perhaps just someone you can relate to.

It seems that things get to me way to easily. Just seeing a name or picture can conjure up memories that I'd sooner forget than dwell on. Sometimes those memories aren't bad, but they're a reminder of things I've lost, people who have forgotten me, or things I've messed up. Not easy reminders at all.

Outside My Window

2010-05-10T18:57:00.003-05:00

All is right in my world at the moment. I'm sitting on the deck of the condo we rented in Pensacola, Fl, drinking a Frappuccino and watching the sunset. The picture above is what I'm looking at right this moment. Just factor in the sound of the waves and the salty breeze coming off the water. My dad is grilling hamburgers on the deck too. Smells heavenly. It's going to be a great week with my family leading up to me little brother graduating. I can hardly believe he's old enough to graduate and go to college this year. I'm hoping we get to hang out a good bit this summer before he goes off and forgets about his big sis. He's pretty cool most of the time. We went for a walk on the beach last night. It was fun just goofing off and talking. He thought it was entertaining watching me avoid the ghost crabs. Those things kinda creep me out. They look like spiders.

Things I love about the beach:

The smell of the air- It's salty and humid.

The sound of the waves- The gentle roar is a constant reminder of where you are.

Sand- As much as I don't like it all in my bathingsuit, I do like it under my feet. And I love that it's pure white.

Relaxing atmosphere- When I'm at the beach, I'm almost never in a hurry. Life is better when it's slowed down a notch every now and then.

Great pictures- Hopefully, I'll get a chance to take some great pictures while we're here.

Great food- Grilled food, seafood, desserts, and popcicles are some of the great food we have at the beach.

Time to think- Usually this is a good thing. Sometimes not at first, but after I take the time to work through all my thoughts and feelings, I always feel a great deal better.

Time to write- As I'm doing now, I try to take time to write while I'm here. Life gets busy and I don't have too much time during the school year.

Possible para-sailing?- Maybe... :)

Because I Love Her

2010-05-07T16:32:00.001-05:00

Please check this out. It's from a friend of mine's blog. It's a great reminder for us.

Because I Love Her

Starkville minus Classes!

2010-05-04T17:56:00.002-05:00

I finished finals last Wednesday, but didn't go home right away because I'm going to the beach with my family on Sunday, and it would be pointless to drive to Texas, only to turn around a week later and go to Florida. My two best friends moved in with us last week too, so we spend the week getting things settled. And probably the best reason was to relax and de-stress from the semester. It has been really great.

The end of the semester is really bittersweet. It's sad seeing all my friends going in different directions for the next three months. Some are headed to internships all over the country, others are headed home, and some are headed to different countries. It's exciting because of the opportunities and I know we'll all meet back up in Starkville once the summer is over. So good luck to all of you and vaya con Dios!

I'm excited about spending a week at the beach with my family. My brother is graduating from high school on the fifteenth, so we're going to spend a week together celebrating that and my mom's retirement. No more chirens to teach. I love the beach and I love my family, so it will be an amazing week!

Finally

2010-04-28T01:02:00.002-05:00

Finals week is here and all the stress and frustration that accompany it. Yesterday and today were pretty crazy. Amidst studying for finals, we were moving in two new roommates. Exciting to have new roommates, but moving is always a pain. It's much better now that they are semi settled. Tonight is the first night with all of us in the house. This is going to be a good thing.

Not unusual for me, I was disappointed again tonight. This seems to be a recurring theme with the summer coming up... I got news that the lake trip that we take with the college and career class at church is canceled. I really look forward to this trip every summer. It usually winds up being the highlight of my summer. This year will be different. A few people in the group decided to have a third lake trip in September (which I can't go to because I'll be at school). This was originally in addition to the June and August trips. Well, from what little I've heard, a couple of people decided it would be too expensive and canned the June trip. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure this was the decision of like, two people. I don't guess the rest of us matter enough to contribute to decisions like that.

This Sunday school class has meant the world to me the past few years. I have loved the fellowship and the teaching that I've received from it. But in the last year, things have started to change dramatically. I don't feel so much a part of it anymore. I know I live away during the semester, but for the past three summers I've been there. I come every time I can. It seems like other people have replaced me now, and I resent it. I know it's not really like that, and that's a petty way to look at it, but that's the way it feels. I'm loosing yet another place where I felt like I belonged. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

I feel like I've totally lost my place in the church. When I'm at school, I go to the service on Sunday mornings, but I don't feel like it's my church home. I don't feel like I can get too involved because I'll be gone in a year. When I'm back in Texas, it doesn't feel like that's my church home either because though I know people there, they could care less that I've been gone, or that I'm back. I used to think that the college and career class was my place, but even they don't care so much anymore. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I hate that I have these feelings of resentment and bitterness. I'm downright angry at times. Sometimes I don't even know why. Everything's out of place and I hate it. Everything and everyone I lean on either falls to pieces or disappears. I get my hopes up and am constantly let down. I hope for a sign that someone wants me and it never comes. I look for a place to be wanted and there's nowhere for me. The very time when I need it most, no one's around. Sometimes it even feels like God's not listening to me. Why should he after all I've said and done? I know the churchy answer to this, but that's just not cutting it right now. Those things come across at trite and almost condescending.

The Guy's Guide to Girls: Part One

2010-04-25T00:29:00.024-05:00

Ok guys, y'all are always talking about how girls are so complicated and how you don't understand us. Maybe this will help. Here are a few helpful hints from the female world. Take it to heart, then USE IT. Girls, feel free to comment and add more. Thanks to my anonymous girl friends who contributed to this post.

If hanging out is to be done, it will not be suggested by me. You must act like you want to see me.

If I'm giving one-word answers it means one of three things: 1) I'm busy and really don't want to talk right now, 2) I don't know what to say, 3) I'm mad at you. Fix it.

We want to know that you think about us. It takes something as simple as "I miss you" or "You've been on my mind today" or "I can't wait to see you."

Nothing hurts more than being cheated or forgotten. Avoid at all costs.

Don't think you can fix everything. The dryer or car? Yes. My issues? Probably not. I need support, space, and time.

I understand you're busy and so am I, but when you can spend all day procrastinating homework, you can spend a little bit of time with me. You make time for the things you care about. When you don't make time for me, I feel like you don't care about me.

Don't talk much about exes. Yours or mine. The past should stay right where it is-in the past.

If you want to talk to me, text or call. Don't expect me to initiate all the time.

Having long, drawn out conversations over text is OBNOXIOUS.

We have no idea what you're thinking. We are always wondering what you're thinking. Make it easy and tell us if we ask.

Do not say things that you don't mean. Even though you think we want to hear it, later when we find out it wasn't true, we'll never forget it. Tell me the truth.

If you like me, be a man and tell me so.

Don't lie. We WILL find out.

Don't diss our friends or family. Not cool.

Unless you tell us specifically not to tell our best friend, we probably will. We talk about everything to those closest to us. It's how we operate.

Actually listen when we talk. If you keep asking the same questions over and over again, we will get annoyed.

It's ok to act like you like me if we're dating. It won't kill you to hold my hand. I won't protest.

You will make my day if you send me a good morning message.

When I say I don't want to talk about something, I probably mean it. Don't push the issue.

When I do want to talk about it, I'll probably mutter something then say "I don't know..."

When you ask me if I'm ok, and I say "I'm fine," I am not fine. Pretty much anything other than good (accompanied with a smile), great, fabulous, or spectacular means I'm not fine.

My heart melts when I hear you talk about your relationship with God or hear you pray. Definitely do that. Frequently.

Tell me, with words, out loud, that I'm special to you and that you care about me.

You-messed-up Flowers: good. Just-because Flowers: even better.

A hug never hurt anybody.

It's ok for you to ask me questions.

Chivalry is never dead in a girl's mind. Opening doors and holding out chairs gets you bonus points.

Treat me like a lady.

Though I may be a girl, I'm not as fragile as you think.

Don't badger me into doing something I don't want to do.

Even if we "hang out," a real date would be nice.

Don't get mad at me for things that you do all the time.

I'm willing to play sports, watch action movies, and do other things you like to do. Do something I like to do once and a while without me having to pull your leg or guilt you into it.

If I'm trying to do something, don't automatically swoop in and do it for me. I can do things for myself. If I ask for help, that's a different story.

A girl loves to hear that she's beautiful every once in a while.

Apathy

2010-04-24T22:14:00.006-05:00

Being apathetic is a pathetic way to be, according to Relient K. But that's where I find myself tonight. I suppose it's a product of the end of the semester and summer-itis. I'm tired of dealing with stuff.

After exams next week, I'll spend the following week doing stuff around the house getting ready for my roomies to movie in. Then I'm headed to the sunshine state for a week. I can't wait. It'll be good time with family, and time to myself. I can detox from the baggage I've been carrying around and maybe get some clarity and peace. Then I'll be ready for a summer. A good summer. I wanna work and travel some this summer. We'll see what opportunities open up.

I bought a Love and Theft album the other day. One $8 on iTunes. It's really good. It's country, but not honky tonk country. It's also got Christian themes in it. Good stuff. Check out this song.

I finished two projects today after tracking tornadoes that were everywhere this morning. Kinda scary, but I didn't freak out like I normally do. Probably because 1) I couldn't hear the sirens, 2) I had my weather friends checking up on me and giving me info and 3) I was able to know where the tornadoes were from the internet and tv. So it was kinda exciting.

Only three finals separating me from summer. Yee haw.

Unsettled

2010-04-19T23:20:00.003-05:00

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
But I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
"Near to You"- A Fine Frenzy

Still bummed about summer plans falling through. I've been in a weird mood today. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. Still reeling over past hurts. Not sure what to do about that except try to forget.

On one hand, I want someone. Terribly. On the other, I don't want anyone. Because if I don't "have" anyone, I won't have to worry about getting hurt or hurting someone else. And I can do my own thing. But that's neither here nor there.

No Emo

2010-04-19T00:17:00.002-05:00

I haven't gone off my rocker and gotten all emo and clinically depressed. It was a bad week is all. When things don't pan out, even the best of us can get upset. The weekend was good, so that helped me get over things. Three more days and I'm done with class, then three exams and I'm home free for the summer.

Rejected

2010-04-16T00:02:00.002-05:00

I heard back from the Nicaragua trip. I wasn't selected. I had my hopes up that I would get picked to go. I didn't really entertain the thought that I wouldn't get to. I almost wish I had doubted that more because when I got news today, it was a hard letdown. At least I heard it from a friend first. That made it a little better because he tried to make me feel better about it. I could go down there for a week just to visit, see some sights, and get acquainted with the culture. I might do that, I don't know yet.

It's really hard to be rejected like that. It's happened to me a few times before. Whether it be rejection from a job or position, or from a person, it's really hard for me to deal with that. To know that you and your qualities and qualifications were lined up next to other people's and you weren't good enough is really hard to take. I strive to do the best I can, and end up not making the cut. It makes me not want to try anymore. Not just with stuff like the Nicaragua thing, but with relationships as well. I've been rejected and that's not something I can bounce back from easily. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do. It seems like everything I set my heart to completely comes undone. Everything I strive so hard for and want so badly slips through my fingers.

I can sense feelings rising that plagued me last semester. I cannot afford to go back to that again. But right now I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a long time. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them. I want to shut down.

No Time!

2010-04-14T17:21:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to post for a while. But I don't have much time, so here's the short version.

I got Photoshop! Exciting! I'm still loving my photography class. We're doing portraits next week. Kind of a challenge.

I am a drama queen. I don't like that. I shall seek to change that. Yuck. Also, 95% of my drama is boy-related.

I've been working out. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but it's a means to an end. That end being a little black swimsuit that came in the mail the other day. Also, looking fabulous all around. ha ha.

One full week of classes left. Wow. The semester has been pretty great, but kinda short.

I have the summer bug. I'm so ready.

I haven't heard if I'm going to Nicaragua yet or not. I'm getting nervous/impatient. I'm supposed to hear sometime this week.

That's all I have time for. I'm off to study astronomy. Yay. (That was an un-enthusiastic yay, btw.)

Just Don't Want Coffee

2010-04-12T13:45:00.002-05:00

This song pretty much describes how I've been feeling as of late.

Just Don't Want Coffee
by Caedmon's Call

Though I am small I've seen things far beyond these city walls
The land is flat and it rolls for miles
I don't know much I know I've many places yet to see
I know I've been here for a while
Wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I'm back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I've no ideas of what to do
'Cause something's changed today
And what it is I just can't say
And if I don't seem okay, well I'm okay

(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don't want coffee tonight
Back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
Now we've been friends since we were young
But all our conversations are hitting walls we can't ignore
We can hide but we can't run
And I can't run from you
Or what we've run into
Now regardless what I choose, we both lose
(repeat chorus)

It must be getting late
Where's my head
Where is my head
Where is my head
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I've made
Funny that's what I've been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can't change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I'd explain to you what you could never understand
And how I'd keep my mind from you
But that's the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today's another day and it's okay

(repeat chorus)

I think I need some rest
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head

Figgity

2010-04-04T18:52:00.002-05:00

I can't seem to sit still this afternoon. Since it's Easter Sunday and the family is here, we decided to take a break and use today to rest. Yesterday we worked around the house doing various jobs and projects. Today after going to church and cooking a delicious dinner, we sat in the living room and talked and watched tv. I almost fell asleep several times (surprise, surprise) but never quite got there. Now I'm figgity and can't sit still. I looked for the book I'm in the middle of reading, but can't find it anywhere. It's probably hiding from me with my iPod. In the process of searching my shelves for the lost literature, I came across a notebook that I used to write in over the summer and last fall. I perused the pages reading thoughts from the past. Not sure that's always a wise thing to do, but I did it nevertheless. It did not, however, cure my figgiting. Possibly added to it.

My mom brought me an audio book. It's called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. She's not my most favoritest person ever, but my mom said this was definitely worth listening to. So I'll let you know how that goes.

M*A*S*H is quite a good tv show. I like watching reruns on Hallmark.

I'm bored, yet don't have much to say. At least not that I wish to say on here.

Adios.

In Song

2010-04-03T00:06:00.002-05:00

I've tried for the last little bit to find a song that perfectly fits my mood/situation perfectly, but I can't seem to find one that's just right. Maybe it's a combination of a few songs. Perhaps I'll try to find the right combination.

Here's some song lyrics that seem to fit right now:

Guinevere- Eli Young Band
She carries memories around like souveniers down in her pockets
Should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
For as much as she's stumbled, she's runnin'
For as much as she runs, she's still here
Always hopin' to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Nobody's Baby- Reckless Kelly
You've always been a little scared to open your heart
And you never let anybody take it too far
You never let 'em on the inside
'Cause you're always scared of gettin' taken for a ride

You're nobody's baby
You're nobody's darlin'
You're nobody's girl

Everybody wants you but you don't wanna care
So you keep 'em at a distance with the frown you wear
Spend your time tryin' to even the score
And you've got it in your head you deserve a lot more

Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't
It's so complicated

Mi Vida Loca- Pam Tillis
If you're comin' with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two weels
It's a never ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi vida loca, over and over
Destiny turn on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Free to Be Me- Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Chicken and Biscuits

2010-03-31T00:14:00.003-05:00

A few lyrics:

Lord have mercy here she comes
Behind the wheel of a pickup truck
Mud slingin'
She's singin'
Country girl just doin her thing and
Ain't nothin like a backwoods baby
Drive my tractor, drive me crazy
Likes huntin'
Loves fishin'
And she can hold her own in the kitchen
And by the way boys, did I mention

She's pretty as a field of daisies
She's sweeter than watermelon wine
Way hotter than the Alabama asphalt
And when I get her in these arms of mine
Lord have mercy, I love her kisses
Man, I cant get enough
Kinda like chicken and biscuits

She can rock them high heel shoes
But she'd rather wear cowboy boots
Cut off jeans and a baseball hat
City girls can't do it like that
Sunday mornin' rolls around
In the choir is where she's found

Chicken and Biscuits- Colt Ford

That song makes me smile. I'm going through a country phase. I miss being home around the horses and cows. I miss riding horses, and back roads, and Texas country on the radio.

I was looking at bikes today. I want to own one eventually, but I should probably start with learning how to ride. Hopefully I can do that this summer.

This summer, I pretty much want to do everything I can't do in Starkville. Ride horses and bikes, learn to shoot better, and maybe a little fishing. I haven't done that in forever.

The weekend was good because I got to rest some. It meant missing out on some socializing, but it was worth it to preserve the little sanity I have left. Yeah, I know. It's not much.

I'm fed up with drama, once again. Mine and other people's. Life should be simple. Thoughts and feelings should translate easily to other people and there shouldn't be any discrepancy between what people want. Sadly, it's not that way. It's neither simple nor easy. Sigh.

That's all for tonight.

Rethinking

2010-03-24T11:01:00.006-05:00

I keep meaning to post the few things that I've been thinking about lately, but haven't gotten a chance to sit down and organize all my thoughts. This is as good a time as any, so even if it's not totally organized, I'm going to get it down before I forget. You are most likely used to my randomness and disconjointed thoughts if you know me much at all or have been following my blog for any period of time. So here goes.

On the way home from spring break, I borrowed an audio recording of C. S. Lewis reading his book The Four Loves. It took a little over two hours to listen to, but seeing as I was on an 11 hour drive, it was a welcome distraction. In those two hours, I listened to the common sense approach that is typical of Lewis as he explained the differences and nuances of the four different types of love: storge, which Lewis defines as affection; philia, friendship; eros, romantic love; and agape, charity or unconditional love. I think people, including me, very often confuse the different types of love, never acknowledging that there are different loves and lumping them into one big catagory. I think it causes problems because the loves are so different and require different thoughts, feelings, and actions to accompany them. I definitely recommend you listen or read this book. I plan on listening to it again and making notes to post on here. It challenged some notions I had and I'd like to share that.

Two words I never thought I'd put together: country rapper. Check it out here.

And I forgot pretty much everything else I was going to talk about. Perhaps topics for another post.

Breaking

2010-03-17T02:28:00.004-05:00

Spring break got off to a great start. I spent the weekend at the beach with friends. It was crazy windy the two days we were there, but it's the beach, it was still great. We watched the sunset and sunrise one day. That was pretty spectacular. Very good times indeed.

I can always think of lots of topics to cover when I'm not actually sitting at the computer. I need a more convenient way to keep up with my thoughts. I'm going to post random thoughts anyway.

I could definitely see myself living in Florida after college. It would be awesome to have a place not far from the beach (because I could never afford waterfront property). I could go to the beach almost every day to watch the sunset. I could ride my bike (when I get enough money to buy one) down the coastal roads. Working down there would be great. Hmm. Maybe I'll tuck that dream away for a while and see what comes.

I was in the kitchen tonight helping/watching my mom cook supper. Before long, my sister came to join us. I love the times we have together cooking and whatnot in the kitchen. We're all relaxed and talk about many different things. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes we're cracking up. The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for good food and great conversation. We should do that more often.

I feel that free spirited mood coming to the surface. Not rebellion really, because I'm not rebelling against anyone or anything, but rather it's an independence and determination. It's hard to explain. I kinda get an attitude, a tough girl attitude. I'm not sure it's such a good thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure what it's stemming from either. We'll see though. I am dying my hair red tomorrow...well, highlights anyway.

It bothers me when I can't understand people's motives. I don't profess to be good at reading people, but I generally have an idea where people fit into my life. I don't like it when I can figure that out.

My time management skills have been sorely lacking as of late. I need to work on that. Prioritize a little bit better. Perhaps the break will help get things back in focus.

And now it's bedtime. G'night all.

Sunny Days

2010-03-12T00:10:00.001-06:00

This week has been great, despite the fact it rained several days and that I had lots to do. Monday was absolutely gorgeous and I spent all afternoon outside. It was amazing. I like cold weather, but I'm ready for springtime and sunshine, flip-flops and shorts. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spring break officially started for me at 3:50 p.m. today. I'm going to spend several days at the beach with some of my closest friends. It's going to be awesome. Then next week I get to go home and be with my family. All of us under one roof! That hasn't happened since Christmas. Sometimes growing up is good, but other times not so fun, as in this case. But next week will be great. I really need a break. I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks on end. I want to do nothing but relax on the beach and soak in the sun. And maybe talk to people too. :)

I finally got my act together last weekend and got things settled. Instead of being worried and scared about things, I'm excited to see where this new relationship goes. It's great so far. There will be some trials during the summer due to distance, but we'll handle that when we get to it. Right now It's all good. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

Internal Disagreement

2010-03-01T01:12:00.001-06:00

My heart says one thing, my head another. Why can they not agree? Which one should I listen to? One is right, one is wrong--but which one is it?

Doubts and Fears

2010-02-26T16:04:00.001-06:00

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.

D-Now

2010-02-26T15:49:00.001-06:00

This past weekend a group of students from State led a Disciple Now at Agricola Baptist Church. I was asked to lead a group of 9th grade girls. I was nervous about it at first because I've never lead a Bible study group. A friend of mine was helping organize, so I decided to help her out. So we all met at the BSU on Friday and caravanned to Lucedale. Because we had a trailer attached to one of the vehicles, we had to go slower so the trip too about 4 hours. Once we got there and got set up, we ate and then went to worship. I really wasn't prepared for this weekend. As a result, our first small group session didn't go very well. I felt like I was stumbling over my words, repeating myself, and the girls weren't really contributing. I was pretty disappointed. My and my co-leader decided to prepare better for the next session. It went much better, so I felt a little more effective. Saturday night and Sunday morning's sessions were probably the best. I finally felt like the girls were listening to what we said.

I think I learned more this weekend than the girls did. I was faced with how far I've gotten from my first love and from the joy of being a Christian. How I ever thought I could do things on my own, I don't know. I have zero power to make things happen in my life. When I try to run things, I get myself into huge messes. When I finally give up and come back to God, head hung low with tears streaming down my face, He accepts me back, comforts me, and starts to work things out in my life for good, just as He's promised me. I realized that I need to lay aside my fears and insecurities and trust God to work things out. He delights in giving us good things. He wants us to have good things in our lives. So if we let Him, He'll work things out for our best. I've got to hold onto that and not try to make things work the way I want them to.

Zipline

2010-02-19T02:10:00.001-06:00

Today was a good day. A very good day. I decided to be brave and get over some pretty deep insecurities and fears I had about being in a relationship again. I can't say it was easy at first, but I really think my fears are irrational. It will be different this time. I kinda felt like I had stepped off the tower of a zipline this afternoon. There was the feeling you get when you're free-falling for that moment until the wire catches you and you begin to move forward. I think this is going to be a pretty amazing ride, and I guess I'll have to wait and see where I wind up. Wherever that may be, I want it to be all for God's glory and not my own.

Bright Picture

2010-02-18T02:08:00.000-06:00

These past few weeks have been pretty great, an overall bright picture with few dark spots. I've had great times with friends lately. It seems that last semester, my friendships were tested, at times to their limits. But this semester seems to be a time when friendships are growing and deepening. I am so very thankful for my close friends. I have gained a new friendship from this past summer and it is awesome getting to know her and talk more with her. She's so precious. Other friends are still relatively new as well, but I feel as though I've known them for a long time. Yet others are "old" friends, but the relationship is deepening and widening. This is incredible to me as well. So, you know who you are, and I love y'all!

I have more to say, but it's sleepytime. So, until next post, I bid thee farewell and a good night/day. Adios.

The Road Paved with Good Intentions

2010-02-15T01:16:00.001-06:00

No wonder I have a problem making decisions. Every time it's left up to me to decide something that effects other people, I'm bound to make the wrong one. I try to make everyone happy and wind up making everyone ticked off instead. It's enough to make an otherwise optimistic girl cynical at times. My intention tonight was two-fold: to spend time with one friend, while at the same time cheering another one up. I figured that it would work since all those participating were friends and hung out together. Apparently I was wrong. What resulted was the one friend getting ticked off at me and the other even less cheery than before. I'm no good at this relationship thing, whether it be friends or guys. I try and try and try to make things work, be the mediator, make peace with people, and I wind up getting stomped to death in the process.

On another slightly depressing note, it's kinda a downer when you have an idea to do something that you'd enjoy and think other people might enjoy, only to find out that nobody wants to do it with you. And I mean not even one person. This one's too busy, that one doesn't have enough cash, and still another just thinks it isn't that great of an idea to start with. There's a movie I want to see, but no one else wants to see it. Ok, so I'll go by myself. Not a big deal. I wanted to go to the rodeo, but everyone else thought that was pretty lame. (Thanks to an awesome friend, I didn't have to go all by myself though.) I wanted to go skiing so bad for spring break, but yet again it was a flop. The one person who would have gone, found other more willing participants, and is going this week. Gee, thanks. I don't mind doing things myself every once and a while, but it gets old. I do things that other people want to do all the time, even if it's not particularly my favorite. But for them to return the favor, well, it just doesn't happen. BUT, if I do wind up doing something own my own, away from the crowd, I get heckled for that too! I just don't get it...

I'm such a contradiction. I love the beach and the mountains. I wear pearls with leather jackets. I like boots and converse and heels. I enjoy a rodeo as much as a book or play. I like classical music and country music. One set of interests and abilities work well with someone, but my other interests and abilities clash. But take the opposite person and it's the same thing in reverse. It always seems to be a point of contention. Sometimes I think it's nearly impossible to find the person that compliments me. Sure, I can compliment other people well, but I always seem to be lacking something.

Advice and Experiences

2010-02-08T02:47:00.005-06:00

Recently I've come across several people having some issues with relationships. Goodness knows this is common, and I've had my share of ups and downs just like anyone else. I think that sometimes things aren't talked about enough. It's really important for Christians to share experiences and advice with each other so that we can learn and grow from others. First, I want to say that if anybody has a problem and wants someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not can help in every situation, but I can be a sounding board. Second, I want to share what I've learned from the things I've been through. I especially want to write to encourage my girls who might be reading this. This is written mostly for girls, because I am one, so that's where my experiences have come from. If there are any guys out there reading this, you may certainly continue, and hopefully you'll get a little insight into the female mind. This might be a tad random, however, because I'm writing as things come to mind.

So, girls, when a guy first starts paying attention to you, watch out! I have been in several situations where I'm going merrily on my way when it suddenly comes to my attention that I have an admirer. This might sound really shallow, but I want to be as honest and as transparent as I can be. Some of the time, I haven't even noticed the guy until he starts paying attention to me. That's not a bad thing. What isn't so great is that I start liking him, not because of what a great guy he is, but because he's giving me the time of day. I'm attracted to the attention. I know it sounds shallow, but I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. This is a big thing especially if there are doubts and fears about the way I look or about my future. Sometimes I can be really insecure and a guy's attention makes me feel better about myself. I'm not saying that you should write off every guy who pays attention to you. Just make sure you find out his character before you go giving your heart to him. Make sure he's worth it.

That brings me to a second thought: Don't give yourself away too quickly. I have a big problem with this. I get very attached to people, very quickly. It's just the kind of personality I have. I have a big heart and see right away the good in people. This is a good way to be, but can also lead to trouble if I'm not careful. There have been several times in the past where I have revealed way too much, way too quickly. I get comfortable with a guy, and we have great conversations, but I wind up saying too much. I'm too quick to tell my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. It's good to be real with people, but if you aren't very careful, they can use that openness against you. Sometimes it's not intentional, yet other times it is. Make very sure that the guy you're talking to is worth you sharing your heart with. Make sure that he isn't going to use the information you share against you.

It's not just shared information that's come back to bite me in the butt, but also emotions. This is a huge thing for me. I'm going to talk to the guys for a minute. Please realize that every sweet thing you say to us, every simple touch, does a number on our hearts and emotions. You have no idea what "you looked very pretty today" or touching our hand does. It's incredibly powerful. Again, these aren't bad things, but please realize what it does, and make sure your intentions match the gesture. Nothing hurts worse that remembering all the beautiful words and gestures, only to realize that in the end it meant nothing at all, that it was only a ploy to get to us. The hurt that brings is hard to describe. It's a lot like a knife being stabbed in the chest. I don't wish that on anyone.

So girls, be really careful to guard your hearts against this. The guy you give your heart and emotions to needs to be worthy of that, because it's a precious thing to share. We are such emotional beings that we do lots of things to get the love and affection we crave. I know the struggle that goes on in our hearts and minds when we are faced with a difficult dilemma. There's a struggle to remain pure and save everything until you are at the point where you give all you have to offer to that amazing guy, and having that need for acceptance and affection. There are times when I crave physical touch, something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold. It's so hard to think when you're in the moment, right there with him. So decide where your boundaries are and what's acceptable way before you're even faced with this decision. I have been in those situations and there were times where I didn't make good choices because I didn't think about it before I was put in a tough spot. There were other times it saved me from a world of heartache.

Be sure not to put yourself in awkward spots. I always thought I would be fine, but like I said, in the moment it's totally different! I know you've heard this from your moms or Sunday school teachers, and so have I. Of course, being the stubborn thing I am, I didn't listen half the time. So much awkwardness could have been avoided. So listen!

Guys, back to you. Don't put her in those situations! Man up and decide that you're going to take the lead in being right in a relationship. Tell her up front what's acceptable and what's not. Don't make her do it all the time. Society says that guys can't control themselves and it's up to the girl to say no. Bull hockey. You are decent human beings and can control yourselves. Be a man and don't back out of having hard or awkward conversations with a girl. Most of us don't bite...too hard, anyway.

Girls, although we crave that attention, don't sacrifice everything to get it. Demand to be treated the way you should be. Don't play second fiddle to work, another girl, or a guys whims. You are so precious and deserve the best. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they don't realize what they've done or not done even bothers us. So kindly inform him. It's ok to be real with guys and let them know what's going on. Be straight with them. If it's killing you that he's not making a decision, talk to him about it. Don't be nagging or whiny about it. Be a woman and clearly and explicitly (but kindly) tell him what's on your mind. Guys hate guessing and trying to figure out what we want, so tell them.

Don't let your insecurities or fears be the driving force in a relationship. That's what God is for. He's there to be your strength and substance. A guy is only there to compliment what an incredible person you are. If you can't serve God better with that guy, then you need to look harder at that relationship and maybe move on to where God wants you to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I certainly don't know it all. In fact, some people reading this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "She doesn't even practice what she preaches!" That's true. In the past, I haven't followed a lot of the things I've mentioned. I have learned from those mistakes, however, and am trying my best to do differently in the future. My heart's desire is to follow Christ and somewhere along the way meet the guy who has that same desire, who can walk along with me to serve Him better.

I wish I could take all my friends and save them from any hurt that might come their way. I can't, anymore than those close to me wish they could do the same for me. But hopefully my experiences will shine a new light on things, and help you in some way or another. At the very least I hope it was interesting reading. Au revoir.

On an Even Keel

2010-02-06T02:37:00.000-06:00

Life has been going pretty good lately. Nothing terrible has happened and nothing terribly exciting either. I'm on an even keel. It's pretty nice, actually. I'm really enjoying it. School isn't too much to handle right now. My friends are awesome and I'm enjoying hanging out with them and getting to know some of them better. I've given up some of the worries that had plagued me last semester and it's really freeing. I've been happier this semester than I've been in a while, and I think it's due to many things, but mostly a change in attitude. I have given up trying to manipulate things to make them work out the way I want them to. While I cannot control my life, I know the One who can.

I had hoped to write more, because I have more to say, but the late hour has effected my ability to think and write. So I'm off to sleep!

Uphill

2010-01-29T01:14:00.000-06:00

I was embarrassed by one of my professors today. It was not too much fun. It really upset me, and I really hope he doesn't do it again. Being embarrassed like that kinda made my day go from not-the-greatest to worse. But after going to my last class of the day, a class where my professor is awesome and doesn't make people feel like idiots, I was in a somewhat better mood.

My photography class is going really well. It's my favorite class. I've always loved taking pictures and now I'm learning the skills to take much better ones. I think I have finally found my niche, my "thing." I have to say that makes me really happy, because for so long I've felt like there really wasn't that thing about me that made me stand out. My brother is amazingly talented with music and fencing. My sister has an awesome ability to accomplish so much, and she's athletic and talented with animals. I didn't really have that one thing that I did well. I think maybe photography can be that thing.

So, my mood improved much more after attending my first photography club meeting. I didn't know anyone there, besides my professor, so it was a tad awkward at first, but when we went out shooting, it was pretty great. I got some tips on how to shoot outside at night. The results of my little excursion are posted on Facebook if you're interested.

After shooting until my fingers were numb from the cold, I got a message to join my friends at Subway. Then we all went to "The Abacus," as it's called, to watch the end of the MSU vs. Arkansas basketball game. We didn't win, but hanging out with my friends is always awesome. They're pretty cool people. I almost never want to go home, but sadly, some people have classes on Friday (but not me! ;)

Me!

2010-01-19T17:37:00.002-06:00

This is me. I'm not apologizing anymore for the way I am. It's my personality, my characteristics, my likes and dislikes, and my quirks. I like me. If you don't, that's ok too. Take it or leave it. I'm fine with you disagreeing, but don't expect me to change just because I don't agree with you. So many times I try to change myself just to suit other people, but it never works. The people who love exactly how I am are the people who belong in my life.

I'm short. I like being short. It's never an issue for me, though it seems to bother other people sometimes. I can wear fabulously high heels. I love shoes. All kinds, but especially heels. Three inches plus, please. I'm blond with red highlights. Forget all the stereotypes about blonds. I don't fit those. Ok, so I have blond moments, but everyone does, no matter what color your hair is. I love the red in my hair. It gives it depth and spunk and personality. I have hazel eyes that sometimes change depending on what I'm wearing. I love when they're blueish green and bright green. My favorite things about my appearance are my eyes, my hair (some days), and my legs. Random, I know. I also like randomness and the variety it adds to my life.

I'm part southern belle, part rock and roll, and lots country. I grew up in a place that was 15 minutes from a loaf of bread, as my dad would say. A fur piece from town. I loved it and someday I hope to go back to living that way. For now, I get as close as I can to that. Being outside and hearing only sounds that belong to nature is pretty much the most amazing thing ever. You can't beat it. I love walking out my door at night and being able to see a multitude of stars shining so bright. Every sunset I see never fails to amazes me. I love to appreciate what God has made.

I'm pretty much a walking contradiction. I like to dress up, but I like to get dirty too. I'm quiet and shy, but also crazy and loud. I'm really sweet, but also really sarcastic. I like plays, orchestras, and museums, but also guns, fireworks, and 4-wheelers. I can be the happiest person in the room, or the moodiest. I have an immense capacity for compassion, but can also shut down and pull away from people.

I love to read Christian fiction and classics. Fiction is my favorite though. I like books that grab your attention and force you to stay up until 3am if you have to in order to find out what happens at the end. I like books where the characters face problems similar to mine, and come out better for it in the end. I've loved to read since I was little. My mother taught me to read and instilled in me a love for books that stems from her own. I hope to teach my children to read and give them that same devotion to reading.

I have singular focus when it comes to something I'm invested in. I go at it with everything I've got. This applies to relationships, hobbies, or goals. Some people would say this is good, some bad, and some indifferent. I'm indifferent I guess. It's good sometimes, not so good others, but it's how I am. I have incredible passion and can't give anything less. This intensity and commitment will pay off someday. Of that I'm sure.

I have several quirks or pet-peeves. I can't stand for the egg carton in the refrigerator to be unbalanced. I don't take from just one side, I take equally from both sides. Or equally from the center. Also, I can't stand for the toilet paper to unroll from the bottom. I like when people bounce their leg. It's soothing, I think because my dad does that a lot. I do it too. Motion puts me to sleep. I cannot, absolutely cannot stand when people mispronounce the word "figure." They say "figger." No. It's "figUre." Also "nuclear" as "nucular." Wrong. Learn how to speak, please.

People think I'm a quiet, shy good little girl when they first meet me. While I guess that's true sometimes, it's not a complete picture of me. I can be a little firecracker when I choose to be.

There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life. I want to get my private pilot's license. I want to learn to ride a dirt bike, then a motorcycle, and eventually own one. Not a Harley or anything, but a sport bike. Like the Honda CBR6000. I want to visit all 50 states and as many countries in the world that I can. Especially Italy. I've always wanted to go there for some reason. Which leads to another thing I want to do: Drive a Lambourghini Spyder. Ah-mazing. (I like to go fast.) I want to learn to crochet. I want to read over 150 books in one year (my record is 100, I believe). I want to learn how to shoot better. Go hunting a little more. I want to be an amazing wife and mother. I want to have a job where I make a difference to people. I don't want to just blend in the background.

Driving, Thinking, and Freezing

2010-01-10T18:18:00.001-06:00

I finally made it back to Starkville. I drove home Friday, amid below-freezing temperatures. I didn't encounter any problems because of it, just cold air and a few flurries once I hit Jackson. I love cold weather, but even this is a little cold for me. When you feel like your face is going to freeze off before you make it to the car, it's a little much. Of course, if it were snowing, and if I was somewhere I could ski, you wouldn't hear any complaining out of me. I was trying to get together a ski trip for spring break, but it seems to be falling though. I'll probably give up and find something else to do. If it weren't dumb to go alone, I would.

The drive back wasn't too bad. I had the four poochies with me, two in the front and two in the back. But it was pretty much uneventful. Well, except for getting pulled over cause I crossed the white line. He just pulled me over to check (probably to see if I was drunk lol) and then said "Have a safe trip!" and I went on my merry way. He was very nice, which was good. I wasn't in the greatest mood though. I allowed myself to take the 11 hours and think about some stuff. I think I got it mostly out of my system, for now at least. I get my hopes up about things, and when I'm disappointed, I go through this process to work it out. First, I'm sad, then I get upset, then angry, and finally indifferent. Usually at the end, I've worked through it and can move on. Hopefully it will turn out that way this time, because I went through all those phases on the drive back. I'm pretty sure I'll get a text message in the next few days and will have to deal with it more. I'm not really looking forward to that...

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Not as many, nor as bad as some people, but it's been painful nonetheless. It seems to be a recurring theme that I get attached to someone, and they don't get so attached to me. But they pay me attention and say nice things to me, so I get jerked back and forth thinking they really do care about me. And maybe they do to some level, but it never seems to be to the level that I do. It's really disappointing. I invest so much time and energy, so much of myself into these dead-end relationships. Because of all this, now I'm scared to death to invest myself into other potential relationships. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that guys aren't out to get me and don't mean to hurt me, it's just an unwanted casualty of things like this. But I honestly don't think I can handle another disappointment like that right now. As a Christian, I know that I should fall back on Christ to help me when I get disappointed, but right now I'm so far from where I need to be.

It occurred to me in church this morning that Christ will never disappoint me. He will always be there. He'll never ignore a message from me, especially in my greatest time of need. He won't ever be to busy for me or forget about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm His. He won't ever care more for someone else than He does for me. He'll always be there-to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with-every minute of every day. I'm not saying that Christ can take the place of a boyfriend. "Your boyfriend isn't God, and God isn't your boyfriend." But what I am saying is that the relationship that I'm craving is found in Christ. The relationship that I need right now is found in Christ. Yes, I will still have the need for a man, and I pray that one day God will fill that need with a godly husband. But until then, and even then, Christ will be who I rely on and who carries me through the day. When I finally focus on that relationship, I can grow in relationships with other people, even a dating relationship eventually.

Blemishes or Beauty Marks?

2010-01-03T16:58:00.003-06:00

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was messing around on the internet and was on a picture editing site and uploaded a random picture of myself. I started looking at the different things you could do to change or edit the picture, and came across the "Blemish Remover." I thought "Heck yes!" and started zapping away. The more I looked, the more I saw that needed erasing. When I was done, I looked at the picture. Hmm. It didn't really look like me. Not because it had changed the picture that drastically, but because those features that make me, me, weren't there anymore. They may be small things, but they are a part of me, and identify me nonetheless. I realized that I do this quite often. Not with pictures, but with other parts of me. I try to erase all the "blemishes" of character or mannerisms that I think aren't good, or that people won't like. Depending on who I'm around, I try to change myself to fit what I think they like. So the "me" that is presented to other people isn't the real me. It's some sort of edited and blemish-free version. It's the so-called blemishes that make us who we are. They are as much a part of us as our hair color or voice, and shouldn't be hidden. I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to improve ourselves. There's always room for improvement. But what we shouldn't do is hide or change who we really are just to fit what we think someone else will like. We should be ourselves, and if someone doesn't like it, they aren't someone worth our time and effort.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

2010-01-03T16:36:00.002-06:00

These are the notes from Bro. Ellis Mckinzie's sermon this morning. It's exactly what I needed to hear.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

1) Live one day at a time.

James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'"

Stan Getz was a famous saxophone player who had cancer. When asked what he learned from his illness he replied, "I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal."

Look at the simple things in life. Enjoy the little things that happen everyday.

2) Live with a view to the end.

Philippians 3:13-14: "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

1 Corinthians 9:24: "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win."

2 Timothy 4:8: "In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

3) Give yourself to others.

John 13:15-17 (After Jesus washes the disciple's feet): "For I have you an example that you also should do as I did to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

Giving to others leads to happiness.

4) Learn to forgive and forget

Matthew 6:15: "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."

Colossians 3:13 "...bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

5) Face adversity with courage

Romans 5:3-5: "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

6) Keep a good sense of humor.

Proverbs 15:13: "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 15:30: "Bright eyes gladden the heart; Good news puts fat on the bones."

Proverbs 17:22: "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

7) Put your life in God's hands.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid."

Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"You can spend your life any way you like, but you can only spend it once."

One Week

2009-12-29T14:30:00.000-06:00

Only one week left of Christmas break!! Seven short days. It's gone by so fast. It has been good though. And was a much needed break away from Starkville and school and stress.

Christmas was really good this year. It was a quite one, just me and my family. It was nice to take some time and just hang out together. Usually we're working when all of us are home, which is good too, but it was nice just to chill.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. Thursday night I'll be hanging out with my Sunday school class. They're always a fun bunch. Hopefully everyone will be able to be there. Then Friday, my two aunts will be here (they're coming tomorrow!) and family from Houston. It will be good to see my cousin (who's my age) cause I haven't seen her in ages! Trying to keep up with people is difficult sometimes, even if they are family.

I haven't posted many pictures with my posts lately, but hopefully that will change soon. I got a really neat camera for Christmas, and will be using it often, especially with the photography class I'm taking this semester.

I know everyone makes New's Years resolutions, but I've never really been big into doing that. So, instead I've got a few goals in mind for the next semester. That's about as far into the future as I can think about right now. For one thing, I'm going to stay busier than I was last semester. I had too much downtime. Not a good thing for me. So, I'm going to volunteer with the local Red Cross. I'm looking into a summer internship with them, and that would give me some good experience. I'm also going to go to the gym more. I've decided to swim laps. I'm a good swimmer, and it's something I enjoy doing. I should be able to get that in a few times a week with the schedule I have. That's pretty much all I've come up with so far. My classes should keep me pretty busy, especially photography, as well as hanging out with friends. I'm also scheming up a few weekend trips, and definitely something for spring break. I want to go skiing! If I can find only one other person to go with me, I'm headed to Santa Fe for the break. We'll see.

Well, there's a quick update. I'm going to spend the next seven days with family, and some time with friends too, hopefully. I want to be rested and recovered enough to face the new semester with a good attitude.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

2009-12-24T00:12:00.001-06:00

I've never had the best of timin'.
I open my mouth when I should be silent,
And just the time I should speak
Is when I say nothing at all.

When you're around, I'm clumsy.
I trip over my feet and my words, see
I can't say what I'm really thinking
'Cause you scramble all my thoughts.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

What we have is amazing.
You don't know it, but you're making
My heart want to beat
Right out of my chest.

Whether it's the distance of miles
Or the distance of our hearts
I'll never know, because you are to me
Like a closed window.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can see glimpses inside
But I can't reach through the glass
That covers your heart
And hides all that I miss.

One day you'll break that glass and let someone through
And in doing that you'll prove
That you're exactly who she needs,
And she'll be everything to you.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can only hope that someday
It will happen that way
For me, even if it's with someone
Who isn't you.

I don't understand why things are
The way they are and I'm so far
From where I want to be, but if I weren't,
It seems things would work out perfectly.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

Sunshine!

2009-12-18T14:40:00.001-06:00

Finally, today the sun started shining. I don't think I've seen the Texas sun since I arrived a week ago. It was nice to have cold weather, but it's my opinion that if it's cold and wet, it should be snowing! Though with all my complaining about the rain, it was amazing to fall asleep to the drizzle the other night. It wasn't raining hard, just enough so that I could hear the dripping off the roof outside my window.

So what's going on right now-hmm. Well, we're still trying to get the house back in order after our whirlwind rennovation this summer. There were some kinks in the plan, and we're still putting down the tile floors. At the rate we're going, we WILL have a livingroom for Christmas! That is very good news, as we have been without one for about four months now.

While it's tiring to have to get up and get to work every morning, it is kinda nice to do some physical labor. I'm rather pitiful and don't do much during the semester. (Hoping to change that this coming semester though.) It's a nice change from sitting in hour long lectures every day. Sore muscles are a nuisance sometimes, but other times it feels kinda nice. A reminder I've accomplished something.

I'm leaving this weekend to spend three days in Mississippi. I'm happy to be going, because a good friend of mine is getting married. They are the cutest couple and I wish them every happiness. But it cuts some time from my break here. And, being very much human as I am, I am getting a tad jealous. Sigh. One day.

I was reminded this week that I'm not a very patient person. While having to wait on an answer, the later in the day it got, the more disappointed and irritable I became. Hopefully my impatience will get better as time goes on. I've been waiting for some things a very long time, and some things I will have to wait a bit longer for. Sigh again.

I have an itch to go skiing. Really bad!!! Every time someone mentions snow or skiing, I want to pack up right now and head north/west. I would love to get a trip together for this spring break, but I'm afraid I can't find anyone actually willing to go. I've had a few "that sounds like a good idea"s, but no takers yet. So, guess I keep looking at options and begging people to go with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. It was nice to chat for a while about different things going on in our lives. I do worry that I talk about me too much. But then again, I worry about everything-talking too much, too little, too shallow subjects, too deep subjects. There's that moderation thing that keeps popping up wherever I look.

Ah well, my break is over and I should get back to work.

Lost Thoughts

2009-12-13T00:12:00.000-06:00

Do you ever sit around thinking or in the course of the day a thought pops into your head, a rather good one, but no one is around to share it with? Do you feel as though this thought is wasted? Just something I thought about. Kind of random, I know.

I thought when I first started writing that I had quite a bit to say. But it has either escaped me or isn't untangled enough from my head for it to be written down properly. So, that is all for now.

TTFN

Some Other Beginning's End

2009-12-08T14:27:00.001-06:00

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
Closing Time -Semisonic

Well, I must say that I'm happy that this new begining is the result of another beginning ending. Confusing? Well, my life as of late has been pretty confusing, so it fits. But, the semester is officially over!!!!!! All I'm waiting on is grades, and the two that I was worried about weren't so bad. So it's a great beginning so far! I finished up exams on Friday and spent a great weekend just hanging out with friends before they left for the semester. Yesterday and today I slept in, even later that I usually would. I figured I would take advantage of that since I won't get to when I get home. Too much to do! I cleaned the house, made Christmas cookies, and did a little online Christmas shopping last night. It was rather pleasant. It was pretty good cause I got to be in the same house with my sister for once. We've both been pretty busy this semester and our schedules didn't usually match up. Today I think I'll make more cookies. Probably a good thing because I have about four pounds of dough in my refridgerator right now...

I didn't go home right away after my exams because one of my good friends is getting married this month, and her bachelorette party is tomorrow night. It should be interesting. And fun! It's been pretty nice actually, not having too much to do, and spending some time just for leisure. I'm ready to go home though. I'm determined that my time at home with my family is going to be as great, if not greater, than the first few days of the break. I want no arguing or fussing! And that means on my part. I'm soooo tired of conflict, so none of that please.

I also want to see my friends from Texas. I have an awesome Sunday school class back home, and spending time with them is always fun. We're going to Houston Friday night to buy soccer balls to give to a couple going on a mission trip over the break. And, of course, we're going to eat mexican food. It's pretty much a class tradition.

This semester has been...hard, to say the least. Very hard. I want to erase all the hard things I had to face, and never look at them again. I can't do that, but I can leave the past in the past and move on. Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to use the break to get rid of some of the worries and bad moods I've been carrying around. There are still several things that are uncertain, and a few things I need to get settled with people, but hopefully that will turn out ok. I'm not going to spaz out about it. Well, I'll try not to anyway.

I've been slow to get into the Christmas mood this year, but finally I'm there. I'm listening to Christmas music, making Christmas cookies, and we finally decorated our house. It's pretty. :) I was sooo ready for Christmas break to get here, and I'm so glad it's finally here. I'll probably be wishing for time to slow down for a while. So far, it kinda feels like it has, and I'm ok with this.

So, I just wanted to say thanks for hanging on with me through this past semester. At times I've not been very fun to talk to, be around, or even read about, but thanks for staying with me. The people in my life really make everything worthwhile. I love you guys!

Oh, and Merry Christmas! :)

A Moment or Two

2009-11-13T09:53:00.000-06:00

I only have a few minutes before I have to go to my next class, but I haven't posted in a while. So here's an update.

It's Friday! I always look forward to the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. I think it will be a good weekend. I hope so at least. Next weekend I head to California with my friend to attend a Marine Military Ball. I'm pretty excited about it. I've never been to Cali before, and how cool is a military ball?

Things have been kinda rough lately. The happy mood I was in from my last few posts didn't stick around long. I'm still dealing with some hurt. I need to get through it and move on. There have been some long and lonely nights, but I'm getting through it with help from my family and friends. I know I'm being prayed for and that helps more than you can know. I think if I can make it to the end of the semester, finish finals, I'll be ok. I need a break. I hope Christmas break will provide some relief.

Well, off to Ethics class to discuss lifestyle choices. Oh fun...

Haven't Met You Yet

2009-10-25T21:34:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine posted some of these lyrics on Facebook, so I thought I'd share, because I like the song, and I like Michael Buble. :)

Watch the video here

Haven't Met You Yet

By Michael Buble

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

A Change

2009-10-19T14:07:00.000-05:00

I don't know whether it's the weather, or just that I desperately need a change, but I've decided I'm tired of being depressed and upset about eveything. I'm ready to be happy again. So with the beautiful weather comes a change of attitude. I've been focusing on everything that's been wrong in my life. Granted, everything's not perfect, but it never is, nor ever will be. For me, or for anyone. But when I started to look at things with a different perspective today, things really aren't that bad. I have lots of things going for me and I'm really blessed. I have amazing family that loves me, and incredible friends that are there with me through whatever comes as well. This alone should make me grateful. I focus on my future a lot (as any college student does) and all I see sometimes is uncertainty. That uncertainty could be interpreted as opportunity. There's almost endless possiblilities for things I can do with my life. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to. I have mulititudes of chances to make a difference in people and am going to take those chances when they come. So instead of freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should, maybe I should look at what's happening and know it's for the best, however it turns out.

I'm also giving up coke. (As in the soda lol.) I think I'll function better without it and it gets expensive when you add it all up. Detoxing should be interesting, however. lol. So we'll see how that goes.

Hope if you are reading this that you are having a good day, and if not, don't worry-things will get better!

Stuck in Reverse

2009-10-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I'm sitting in the library, dreading sitting through my next class. I usually eat lunch with friends during this time, but today I tried working on a presentation. Needless to say, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing. It's raining outside...again. It has rained for four weeks straight. And I'm not exaggerating. I am so sick of the rain. I hate walking to class and getting drenched, then sitting through a long and boring class, miserable because I'm soaked and cold. So, the rain has not helped my already fragile mood. Things have seemed to get worse lately. I haven't had the best semester so far, for many resons, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I do have fun hanging out with my friends, and we've done some cool things this semester. I've also gotten to know more people and know them better. But I get these waves of sadness and hopelessness. Sometimes they come from things that are happening in my life, but other times, it seems random, like right now. Sometimes they come and go quickly and other times seem to stick around for a while. I'm so tired. Tired of struggling with every single thing in my life. Tired of classes. Tired of everything I touch falling apart. Tired of trying. I know the way I've been the past few weeks has been a burden to people around me. I'm pretty sure it's getting to the point where they are afraid to even ask how my day has been. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the optimistic and genuinely happy person I used to be. (And I really wish the dude on the computer next to me would quit banging on the desk!) I don't want to be constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to be scared of tomorrow and what might happen. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until it's sunny outide and everything's better. But I know I can't. Things won't get better if I ignore them. Ugh. Life. Not cool.

Fail

2009-10-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day back to school. I was out last week for three days, and Monday-Tuesday of this week was a holiday. So I haven't been to school in a week. I just got out of my 8 o'clock Spanish class. We had a test. I didn't know about this test. I failed this test. I don't normally curse, but right now I'm so angry that I could curse a blue streak. It's terrible but that's what's flying around in my head right now. I want to scream, or at the very least talk to someone about it, but it seems that no one answers text messages at nine in the morning. I really want to punch something right now. It's probably a good thing I'm sitting on campus in a relatively quite room or I'd probably have a broken computer and/or hand. Not many things make me mad, but apparently failing a test does. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it!!!! My professor is so hard nosed. He doesn't care if we all flunk. So even if I asked, he woudn't do anything- no extra credit, no make-up. If I hadn't had to spend two nights in the ER last week and been put on stupid painkillers, maybe I would have known about the test and actually studied for it. This sucks. Big time. I hate when crap like this happens, and aparently it likes to happen to me. This year is not turning out to be better than last. It's getting worse every day that passes. I'm going to go crawl into a fetal position and hide from the world for a while. Maybe I'll come out in a few years. Oh wait, I have class at ten. Yay me.

Under My Skin

2009-09-16T01:34:00.000-05:00

I'm the kind of person where little things that people do get to me. In a good way, most of the time. When I least expect it, someone will say or do something that makes me feel so good. I'm sure they don't know how much it means, but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed. You have no idea how much an email, text, or phone call can mean. Just a few minutes of your time is enough to change someone's day. Today I had a craptastic day. Every little thing was going wrong, and I was convinced it would just get worse. There are so many things on my mind at the moment that it's easy to get lost in all that. But all that seemed to get better in a matter of minutes, thanks to a friend. It wasn't anything big, just a simple conversation. Nothing earth shattering, just catching up. It made me smile. Seems like I'm not doing enough of that these days. Sometimes tears outweigh the smiles. But that, my friend, is how life goes. I'm convinced things will improve, and soon I'll be back to smiling more than crying.

I went to the worship service for the campus ministery tonight. It's good to be able to go this semester, because I thought I would be forced to miss it because of a class. Thankfully, the professor lets us out early. Oddly enough, I feel a little uncomfortable in worship at the moment. I feel like a child who has been scolded and now stands in front of her Father. I feel bad standing and singing the lyrics to a praise song, hypocritical almost, when inside I am still wrestling and arguing with God. But I need so much to be there standing among friends and siblings in Christ. I feel a strength from being with them, a strength I so desperately need. Sometimes it feels like I will never find my place again and be back to where I want and need to be. But I know that I will get there. A relationship is always full of ups and downs, and this is just a down. There's really nowhere left to go but up. There's some hope in that, at least.

On My Mind

2009-09-09T16:10:00.001-05:00

I've got some time to kill on campus, so I thought I'd write a few things that have been on my mind lately.

For starters, I had a great Labor Day weekend. I flew home Friday afternoon, and my mom and I went to a movie together after she picked me up from the airport. We watched Julie & Julia. I liked it a lot. Might even be one I'd buy later. Saturday, I had lunch with my mom while my brother was at a guitar lesson. That was good, if not a little emotional. But we're girls, so that's to be expected. That night we all went out for pizza and rented a movie. I enjoyed what little time I got to just hanging out. Seems like there is never enough time in a weekend.

Sunday was my day to hang out with friends. I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed my Sunday school class. We also went out to eat at the Mexican restaurant, which is sort of a class ritual or tradition. I miss it so much! That evening, we all went out to the property to ride horses and jus hang out. I must have ridden for close to two hours! I'm not used to that much time in the saddle and neither was my rear. It was great tho. I miss riding horses. I've also missed hanging out with my friends there. I think they should just move to Mississippi... Just kidding. I can only imagine the comments I'd get if I told them that. I really didn't want to leave that night, those few hours just weren't enough, but I had to drive home on Monday, so thanks to Chica watching my back, I made it home at a decent hour. What I want and reason do not always see eye to eye. So I'm thankful for people looking out for me.

The drive home was long, but not bad. Spent some time riding with the windows down and singing along with the music. And my puppy dogs were happy to see me when I got home.

I went to BSU last night and it seemed as if the speaker had me in mind when he started speaking. Everything he said hit me in the heart. It wasn't necessarily plesant, but it was important for me to hear and acknowledge. The message was about humility, Spiritual Humility. I definitely need a dose of that. I say and do good things, and everyone thinks that I'm a good Christian girl. Truth is that I sin, all the time. I try to keep my sins hidden so people will think I'm a good Christian. I compare myself to others around me and justify the things I do wrong by saying "at least I'm not as bad as they are; the things I've done are not as bad as what they do." How arrogant of me! I was reminded of a conversation I had over the weekend, and I can remember clearly thinking, "Nothing I did was that bad. I could have done a lot worse, but I didn't. So there's no reason for me to feel bad." As a friend of mine would say, "false." I could not be more wrong. That is a prime example of Spiritual Pride. Truth is that I sinned, and need to confess and ask forgiveness. I struggle with my nature so many times, but just because it is a struggle doesn't make it permissable to give in. I'm not saying any of this is easy, much the opposite. It's taken me a while to settle some things, and it's going to take longer still. Things like this can't be settled overnight. I can't change the past, but I can make sure I don't repeat my mistakes in the future. That's the best I can do.

A song that we sang last night had these words in it: "At the cross you beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered." This is a good song, and I understand the point of the lyrics, but I disagree. Christ does not draw us gently to our knees every time. He will do whatever necessary to bring us to our knees, and sometimes that is nowhere near gentle. And there isn't anything sweet about being broken. It hurts. It is painful. It's not something you enjoy or with would happen more often. I understand that the songwriter was trying to convey that it is a good thing to be broken and on your knees, but the process is painful. Only when you get past that point and back where you should be does the sweetness and gentleness come in. I'm not at that point yet, but I can only hope it comes soon.

Right Here Right Now

2009-08-28T21:32:00.005-05:00

I had a great day today, despite having to get up at 6:30 to make it to my 8 o'clock class. I have an hour to kill between classes, so I went to the library to get some hot tea for a sore throat, and sat outside reading. It was very pretty weather today so sitting outside was really nice. I got to a really sad part in my book and had to tell myself not to cry! It's a good thing I've read it twice before, so I was able to read it fast and not bawl like I did the first two times.

After classes, I had lunch with my very bestest friend. We talked for hours! It was great. And after she left, I got a message from another friend, so I went to hang out with her for a while. I love my friends!

My mom and brother have been in and out of the house this week. My brother is a senior in high school, so they came out to look at schools in the area. It's been nice having them here. I love it here in Mississippi, and it's good to have almost everyone here. Oh, and good news! My dad will be coming home from overseas soon! We're not sure exactly when just yet, but I'm really glad he's coming home. He's been working overseas for two and a half years now. I miss him terribly.

As I was having lunch with my bestest best friend today, we started talking about where we are in life, and where we're headed. I realized (not for the first time) that I am constantly living in the future. I keep waiting for something to happen. Whether it's next weekend, six months from now, or a year down the road. I'm always waiting for the next big thing to happen. I think I'm missing so much that's going on right here and now. There are amazing things that happen everyday, but if you're not looking for them, they will pass by unnoticed. I guess it's all about being content. Being happy with whatever situation you find yourself in. Paul said he had learned how to be content. That gives me hope, because if it was something that was supposed to come natural, I'd be out of luck. But it's something that I can work on and learn. So I need to be happy being me, and being where I am, and being happy with the people who are in my life right now. I shouldn't worry about those who have moved on or those yet to come.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 (NAS)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)

~*~

Junior

2009-08-20T16:10:00.002-05:00

My first week as a junior is almost complete. Only two more classes to go tomorrow. It's been a good week overall, with only a few rough spots. I'm liking my classes so far, but they will definitely be more challenging and require much more time and effort than in previous semesters. I'm looking forward to getting more into what I want to do as a career though. Even though I'm still ironing that out.

I'm at home now, listening to the end of the thunderstorm I got caught in walking to my car. I've decided that I like thunderstorms, but I enjoy them much more when I'm inside and dry. :)

One Year Passed

2009-08-14T12:01:00.003-05:00

Well, one year has passed since I started writing. When I go back and look at where I was then, it seems like it was ages ago. So much has happened, good and bad, in the past year. I can't say it's been the easiest year of my life, and I sure don't want to relive it. All I can do is move on, forget about the hurtful things, and remember the good things. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but it's the only way to keep going.

It seems like I have to start over so often. Whether it's moving locations, trying to move on from a relationship, or just a change of heart, I have to refocus and restart. I keep hoping one day that maybe I'll be in a more stable situation. It hasn't happened yet, nor do I foresee it happening in the near future. It all seems kind of disheartening and hopeless at the moment, but maybe that's because I'm trying to accomplish the daunting task of packing. That never makes me feel particularly chipper.

I always seem to screw things up in the summer. I don't know why. It starts out good, then progressively gets worse as it gets closer to me moving back to school. I mess up relationships right and left. It's hard to do things you want to do, while thinking of others. I think I try to make everything work out the way I think it should be, only Newsflash!-It doesn't work. Can I just be three again when the most earth shattering thing that happened to me was when I couldn't find my stuff animal before I went to bed?

Well, here I go again. Another summer over and another semester beginning. This year has to be better than last. It just has to be...

I So Hate Consequences

2009-08-12T13:56:00.007-05:00

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that
-Relient K

An Incredible 48 hours

2009-08-10T23:10:00.005-05:00

I just got off the phone with a friend who is in Nicaragua. How cool is that?! He went down there about a month ago and will be there for thirteen months. It was great to hear about what's happening down there. Maybe we'll get a trip together to go visit. That would be pretty sweet.

I had an awesome weekend. I had a date Friday night to the Cory Morrow concert in town. It was a good concert. Good music and I even got to dance a few songs. Found out that I can't dance worth a flip, but I think I just need more practice. I'll catch on eventually. (Warning: sarcasm) I'll just add it to the list of things I suck at.

After the concert we drove the two and a half hours to the lake. It was nice to have that time alone to talk and hang out. I'm gonna miss those times spent together, but I'm glad I have those memories to hang onto until we can make new ones.

The lake was incredibly low this time. In some places the normal watermark was twenty feet higher than where the water is now. It's kinda sad. But we were able to launch the boat a couple miles up the road and do our normal activities.

I don't normally do much other than ride in the boat and swim, but I decided to get on the tube. Two of us got on it, and as I was getting out of the boat I asked the driver not to throw me too hard. I'm a bit of a chicken when it comes to stuff like that. Anyway, we got on and took off. He was going easy on us, and the brilliant soul who was riding with me decides to let go of the handholds and get up on his knees. Usually this encourages the driver to nail it, which he did. The fearless one riding with me decided it might be better if he hung on again, but alas was too late and away he went. Usually when two people are tubing and one falls off, the other is not far behind. But not so! I managed to hang on. So we went back to pick him up and go a second round. The second was much like the first, but instead he almost stands up on the tube. This action elicited the same reaction as before, and he flipped over me and into the water. He ate it that time. It was hilarious, and I can only imagine what it looked like to the spectators in the boat. I didn't fall off this time either, but thought I might cause I was laughing so hard. Even my friend in the water was hysterical. Too funny.

That was only one instance of the great times we had. I was really glad I got to spend time with the group, certain people in particular. I've had the privilege of getting to know some pretty incredible people, and I'm going to miss them terribly. But I will be back, hopefully often, and can see everyone again. Until then I'll look forward to keeping in touch via the internet, phone-heck, carrier pigeons if I have to. Good friends are too rare to let something as trivial as a few miles take that friendship away.