I'm not sure what it is about the middle of the night. It's always in the dead of night, when I'm alone with my thoughts, that I feel prompted to write. I think the biggest reason is all the noise in life. "Noise" has such a loud and harsh connotation. "Noise" is what adults are always hushing in children. "Noise" is what keeps an outside of town dweller from sleeping while visiting a big city. But noise isn't always bad; it isn't always loud. "Noise" can be friends laughing and catching up after months or years apart. "Noise" is a new member of the family crying. "Noise" can simply be the gentle hum of routine during your day. Noise surrounds us constantly. It can be audible noise, sensory noise, written noise, screen noise. The thing we don't get enough of is quiet.
When we are quiet, it allows our brain to focus on one thing: us. Our thoughts and feelings that aren't readily available during daily life are filtered to the surface. I know that not everyone is like me, and that some people are very decided feelers or thinkers. Everything they want to say comes right out, in the correct way, the first time. Some people immediately know when that twinge of feeling rises, the name and cause of the emotion. But for people like me, that twinge is nameless. It's felt too deep inside to dig out at a moment's notice. Those thoughts seem lost somewhere in the back of your mind, and even when you will them to come out of your mouth, they spill forth like a tangled mess. I believe that everyone needs quiet, but especially people like us. It allows the time and space to process those thoughts and emotions. To give names to everything and file it in the proper spot.
Quiet isn't just for processing. It is for creativity. So often that word is associated with crafting or making something tangible. That is the most visual result and usually what one is trying to attain. But creativity in itself is something more than a product. Creativity is a frame of mind. It is cultivating new ideas. A melding together of perception, intellect, imagination, and experience. When you are given the quiet, and the mental space to produce creativity, there is so much good that can come from that.
I believe quiet is also for healing. In addition to the healing that our bodies receive when our bodies are asleep, or quiet, there is also healing when our minds are quiet. Maybe you are like me and sometimes the quiet allows you to think "too much." I have often felt that way. But instead of running away from those thoughts and feelings that are trying to surface, if we process and work through them, I really believe healing can come from that. It's not pleasant nor easy. It will be painful. Believe me, I know the mental anguish that comes from replaying a painful conversation over and over in my head, feeling the same each time as I felt in that moment, even if it happend years ago. Or dwelling on a damaging even that occurred, wondering what you could have done to prevent it. Wondering why it even happened in the first place. But there is a place we can get to if we do the hard work of processing through all of that mess. The way we process might be different. Maybe quiet isn't the first step for you, or maybe you need someone to help you process through everything. But in the end, to be at a place where you can still your thoughts and be at peace, that is a beautiful thing.
Quiet is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
My journey to health
I started a journey to being healthier not quite a year ago. It started around September 2017. (I had to stop and think what year it was. Somehow it doesn't seem like it should be 2018.) I don't really recall what exactly sparked the decision to do something I've toyed with and talked about for years now. I do remember a podcast that was on the topic of fertility and hormonal birth control that started a research frenzy. And I will be honest in admitting that a large part of my drive to be healthier is driven by the desire to start a family in the near future.
I know I had enough of being utterly exhausted, not able to keep my eyes open in the evenings, for no apparent reason. I had enough of gaining and gaining weight. I had enough of a poor diet. I had enough of a sedentary lifestyle.
So here's a little about my journey to being healthier.
The first problem I wanted to tackle was my exhaustion. I do not have a physically taxing job, nor did I feel like I didn't sleep at night, so I had no idea why I was so very, very tired all the time. It was bad enough that I would get really sleepy on my 20 minute drive home from work. I would literally fall asleep at my desk daily. I could not stay awake no matter how hard I tried. It was negatively impacting my work and my relationships. As I was listening to the podcast mentioned above, something was said about the tiredness that is a side effect of hormonal birth control. My ears perked and my interest immediately peaked.
As a teenager, about age 15, there was a time where my period went for three months straight. I bled for that long. That is not healthy at all, and my mom took me to see a gynecologist. He didn't do an exam, but prescribed a birth control pill to stop the bleeding. It accomplished that, and I took it for a year, until the prescription ran out. I wasn't keen on going back to the doctor, and my mom agreed that we could see what happened when I got off the pill. So I did, and things went back to normal. Fast forward years later, and I didn't get back on hormonal birth control until about 6 months before my wedding. I knew that we didn't want to try for a baby right away, so I did what everyone does, and got a prescription from my doctor. I did the Nuvaring this time, and for 5 years, was seemingly happy with it. It wasn't until I started having all these issues that I even questioned it.
In addition to the tiredness, I had been unable to lose weight. I had been trying for months, counting calories, and couldn't lose a single pound. What's worse is that I seemed to be gaining in spite of my efforts to lose. That didn't add up for me. Also, this is uncomfortable to talk about, but it's so important to me that I share my experiences with others so that it might help someone else struggling. I had lost my libido. My sex drive was non-existent. I haven't always been that way, but it had been a gradual decrease over a couple years to nothing. This was obviously causing an issue in my marriage, because that is an important part of a marriage relationship! No, that isn't everything, but it is an important component of a healthy marriage. I didn't realize it at the time, but the hormonal birth control was causing that side effect for me. Not many women realize that can be a side effect.
So after I heard the information on the podcast, I deep-dived into research. I scoured the internet for reliable sources (hard to find sometimes!) about how hormonal birth control works and the ways it changes your body. After tons of reading, and talking with my husband, we agreed that I should go to the doctor and see if we could figure out what was going on. So I went to a new gynecologist and had my normal yearly exam. While talking to her before my exam, I expressed concerns about the exhaustion, the inability to lose weight even with counting calories, and the loss of libido. She suggested that we do some extensive blood work to see what the issues might be. She ran my iron, vitamin, thyroid, and hormone levels. The results came back that I had a slightly low functioning thyroid, was deficient in vitamin D, and low testosterone levels. All of these things contribute to the issues I was having. So she prescribed me a thyroid medication, over the counter vitamin D supplementation, and we discussed how to address the low testosterone level. There were a couple options, but during my research, I had read that hormonal birth control can contribute to low testosterone levels, so I decided to try getting off the Nuvaring, and see if my levels would increase naturally. We also discussed an alternative birth control method since I was getting off the hormonal birth control. She wrote me a generic prescription for a diaphragm. Yes, those seem super archaic to most people, and you even have a hard time finding a pharmacy that will fill it! But there is a new version called Caya that is available through a mail order pharmacy. I was able to pay for it out of pocket, they mailed it to me, then filed for reimbursement from my insurance company. It was a bit of a hassle, but worth it for what I was trying to accomplish. Along with the Caya, I purchased the Daysy fertility monitor. There's more info about that in the previous post.
After finishing a cycle with the Nuvaring in November 2017, I didn't start a new one. The immediate result was a return of my libido. Like I said, this is super awkward to talk about, but it's important! In the years and months before that time, I really began to question what was wrong with me. Why was I broken? Why did thing not work for me like they used to? I finally found the answer, and I was not broken. Things really have gotten so much better.
After getting off the Nuvaring, I started tracking my cycles using the Fertility Awareness Method. You can find more info about that on my previous post, or by googling it. This has really given me so much information and insight on how my body is or isn't working correctly. It's been fascinating! I know I will be able to use this information in lots of ways- seeing when my period is due, knowing when something isn't right and I need to see a doctor, avoiding pregnancy right now, and eventually using the same information to get pregnant later. I highly recommend it.
Another thing I began was taking supplements. I already had been taking a prenatal vitamin, at the recommendation of my previous gynecologist. She suggested that all women in child bearing age take them, not just women who were planning to get pregnant soon. So I had been taking an over the counter prenatal vitamin for about 2 years at that point. Which is crazy considering how low my vitamin D levels were, even with supplementation! So on top of continuing my prenatal vitamins, I added the over the counter vitamin D supplement that the doctor recommended. Also, I added a couple other supplements that were recommended based on the research I had done. Hormonal birth control leads to deficiencies in several minerals and vitamins, so I wanted to boost those as well. In retrospect, I might have gone a little overboard with one of them, so please consult a doctor before you decide to take a bunch of supplements.
I also started working on my diet. I have never been one to fad diet. If I even tried something, I never stuck with it for more than a week. So I knew that a fad diet wasn't going to be the answer for me. There is also so much conflicting information on what diet you should follow. All I knew is that I should watch my calories, and eat a balanced diet with lot of veggies and fruits, and not much sugar and simple carbs.
At the beginning of the year, my sister, mom, and I were having a discussion about being healthy and exercising. None of us had a sustainable exercise program, and we all needed it badly! My sister suggested a personal trainer that she had worked with in the past. So she made the call and got things started. We each found a time and class that worked for us. I go to a small gym three times a week in the afternoon, and work out in a group of people who match my exercise level, with the personal training directing our workouts and providing advise and oversight, should we chose, on our diet and tracking our weight. I have never enjoyed exercise before. It's always been very hard on me both because I have never been in peak physical condition, and because I have asthma that can be triggered by exercise. Every time I started to consistently exercise, I would get so discouraged by the lack of progress I would make. This time, he started me off really slow, and gradually worked me up to where I was keeping up with the group. Now I can do everything that everyone else is doing. It is very challenging for me, but I really enjoy it now! The people are great, and I feel good after working out. For my personality, I needed the accountability that comes with working with a personal trainer. I know he expects me to be there, and because of that, I show up consistently. I am loving it more than I ever thought possible.
So at this point, I have been tracking my cycles for several month, trying to get things to even out after coming off the hormonal birth control. It's not been all smooth sailing. I have run into a snag where I am experiencing a super long cycle and there's no end in sight right now. I have made an appointment with my doctor to get my blood work redone and see what's going on and what we might can do about this. Not having a period is not healthy. It might sound good, but it means something is out of wack and not working properly. You don't get a true period if you aren't ovulating, and if you aren't ovulating, you can't get pregnant. So that will be an issue in the near future when we decide to try for a baby. I want to get things figured out now rather than waiting until we are wanting a baby, and having to do more invasive things then. So that's my focus right now.
I've also encountered some cystic acne that is problematic. Most likely it's a result of a hormone imbalance- the same one causing my missing period. I suspect my levels of testosterone are too high at this point. I guess I did a too good job of raising it! We will see what the blood work shows when I go to my appointment in a little over a month. I hate waiting that long, but that's the only time they had available.
It might seem weird to some that I'm sharing so much personal information on the internet. I usually do not share this type of personal information, but I really feel that I should share with others, and this is my outlet to do so. If I can help one woman who is struggling and frustrated that her body isn't working, then I will have accomplished something. If you need someone to talk to, I am more than happy to listen or answer questions.
It's an ongoing journey to be the healthiest person I can be.
I know I had enough of being utterly exhausted, not able to keep my eyes open in the evenings, for no apparent reason. I had enough of gaining and gaining weight. I had enough of a poor diet. I had enough of a sedentary lifestyle.
So here's a little about my journey to being healthier.
The first problem I wanted to tackle was my exhaustion. I do not have a physically taxing job, nor did I feel like I didn't sleep at night, so I had no idea why I was so very, very tired all the time. It was bad enough that I would get really sleepy on my 20 minute drive home from work. I would literally fall asleep at my desk daily. I could not stay awake no matter how hard I tried. It was negatively impacting my work and my relationships. As I was listening to the podcast mentioned above, something was said about the tiredness that is a side effect of hormonal birth control. My ears perked and my interest immediately peaked.
As a teenager, about age 15, there was a time where my period went for three months straight. I bled for that long. That is not healthy at all, and my mom took me to see a gynecologist. He didn't do an exam, but prescribed a birth control pill to stop the bleeding. It accomplished that, and I took it for a year, until the prescription ran out. I wasn't keen on going back to the doctor, and my mom agreed that we could see what happened when I got off the pill. So I did, and things went back to normal. Fast forward years later, and I didn't get back on hormonal birth control until about 6 months before my wedding. I knew that we didn't want to try for a baby right away, so I did what everyone does, and got a prescription from my doctor. I did the Nuvaring this time, and for 5 years, was seemingly happy with it. It wasn't until I started having all these issues that I even questioned it.
In addition to the tiredness, I had been unable to lose weight. I had been trying for months, counting calories, and couldn't lose a single pound. What's worse is that I seemed to be gaining in spite of my efforts to lose. That didn't add up for me. Also, this is uncomfortable to talk about, but it's so important to me that I share my experiences with others so that it might help someone else struggling. I had lost my libido. My sex drive was non-existent. I haven't always been that way, but it had been a gradual decrease over a couple years to nothing. This was obviously causing an issue in my marriage, because that is an important part of a marriage relationship! No, that isn't everything, but it is an important component of a healthy marriage. I didn't realize it at the time, but the hormonal birth control was causing that side effect for me. Not many women realize that can be a side effect.
So after I heard the information on the podcast, I deep-dived into research. I scoured the internet for reliable sources (hard to find sometimes!) about how hormonal birth control works and the ways it changes your body. After tons of reading, and talking with my husband, we agreed that I should go to the doctor and see if we could figure out what was going on. So I went to a new gynecologist and had my normal yearly exam. While talking to her before my exam, I expressed concerns about the exhaustion, the inability to lose weight even with counting calories, and the loss of libido. She suggested that we do some extensive blood work to see what the issues might be. She ran my iron, vitamin, thyroid, and hormone levels. The results came back that I had a slightly low functioning thyroid, was deficient in vitamin D, and low testosterone levels. All of these things contribute to the issues I was having. So she prescribed me a thyroid medication, over the counter vitamin D supplementation, and we discussed how to address the low testosterone level. There were a couple options, but during my research, I had read that hormonal birth control can contribute to low testosterone levels, so I decided to try getting off the Nuvaring, and see if my levels would increase naturally. We also discussed an alternative birth control method since I was getting off the hormonal birth control. She wrote me a generic prescription for a diaphragm. Yes, those seem super archaic to most people, and you even have a hard time finding a pharmacy that will fill it! But there is a new version called Caya that is available through a mail order pharmacy. I was able to pay for it out of pocket, they mailed it to me, then filed for reimbursement from my insurance company. It was a bit of a hassle, but worth it for what I was trying to accomplish. Along with the Caya, I purchased the Daysy fertility monitor. There's more info about that in the previous post.
After finishing a cycle with the Nuvaring in November 2017, I didn't start a new one. The immediate result was a return of my libido. Like I said, this is super awkward to talk about, but it's important! In the years and months before that time, I really began to question what was wrong with me. Why was I broken? Why did thing not work for me like they used to? I finally found the answer, and I was not broken. Things really have gotten so much better.
After getting off the Nuvaring, I started tracking my cycles using the Fertility Awareness Method. You can find more info about that on my previous post, or by googling it. This has really given me so much information and insight on how my body is or isn't working correctly. It's been fascinating! I know I will be able to use this information in lots of ways- seeing when my period is due, knowing when something isn't right and I need to see a doctor, avoiding pregnancy right now, and eventually using the same information to get pregnant later. I highly recommend it.
Another thing I began was taking supplements. I already had been taking a prenatal vitamin, at the recommendation of my previous gynecologist. She suggested that all women in child bearing age take them, not just women who were planning to get pregnant soon. So I had been taking an over the counter prenatal vitamin for about 2 years at that point. Which is crazy considering how low my vitamin D levels were, even with supplementation! So on top of continuing my prenatal vitamins, I added the over the counter vitamin D supplement that the doctor recommended. Also, I added a couple other supplements that were recommended based on the research I had done. Hormonal birth control leads to deficiencies in several minerals and vitamins, so I wanted to boost those as well. In retrospect, I might have gone a little overboard with one of them, so please consult a doctor before you decide to take a bunch of supplements.
I also started working on my diet. I have never been one to fad diet. If I even tried something, I never stuck with it for more than a week. So I knew that a fad diet wasn't going to be the answer for me. There is also so much conflicting information on what diet you should follow. All I knew is that I should watch my calories, and eat a balanced diet with lot of veggies and fruits, and not much sugar and simple carbs.
At the beginning of the year, my sister, mom, and I were having a discussion about being healthy and exercising. None of us had a sustainable exercise program, and we all needed it badly! My sister suggested a personal trainer that she had worked with in the past. So she made the call and got things started. We each found a time and class that worked for us. I go to a small gym three times a week in the afternoon, and work out in a group of people who match my exercise level, with the personal training directing our workouts and providing advise and oversight, should we chose, on our diet and tracking our weight. I have never enjoyed exercise before. It's always been very hard on me both because I have never been in peak physical condition, and because I have asthma that can be triggered by exercise. Every time I started to consistently exercise, I would get so discouraged by the lack of progress I would make. This time, he started me off really slow, and gradually worked me up to where I was keeping up with the group. Now I can do everything that everyone else is doing. It is very challenging for me, but I really enjoy it now! The people are great, and I feel good after working out. For my personality, I needed the accountability that comes with working with a personal trainer. I know he expects me to be there, and because of that, I show up consistently. I am loving it more than I ever thought possible.
So at this point, I have been tracking my cycles for several month, trying to get things to even out after coming off the hormonal birth control. It's not been all smooth sailing. I have run into a snag where I am experiencing a super long cycle and there's no end in sight right now. I have made an appointment with my doctor to get my blood work redone and see what's going on and what we might can do about this. Not having a period is not healthy. It might sound good, but it means something is out of wack and not working properly. You don't get a true period if you aren't ovulating, and if you aren't ovulating, you can't get pregnant. So that will be an issue in the near future when we decide to try for a baby. I want to get things figured out now rather than waiting until we are wanting a baby, and having to do more invasive things then. So that's my focus right now.
I've also encountered some cystic acne that is problematic. Most likely it's a result of a hormone imbalance- the same one causing my missing period. I suspect my levels of testosterone are too high at this point. I guess I did a too good job of raising it! We will see what the blood work shows when I go to my appointment in a little over a month. I hate waiting that long, but that's the only time they had available.
It might seem weird to some that I'm sharing so much personal information on the internet. I usually do not share this type of personal information, but I really feel that I should share with others, and this is my outlet to do so. If I can help one woman who is struggling and frustrated that her body isn't working, then I will have accomplished something. If you need someone to talk to, I am more than happy to listen or answer questions.
It's an ongoing journey to be the healthiest person I can be.
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