Tuesday, December 29, 2009

One Week

Only one week left of Christmas break!! Seven short days. It's gone by so fast. It has been good though. And was a much needed break away from Starkville and school and stress.

Christmas was really good this year. It was a quite one, just me and my family. It was nice to take some time and just hang out together. Usually we're working when all of us are home, which is good too, but it was nice just to chill.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. Thursday night I'll be hanging out with my Sunday school class. They're always a fun bunch. Hopefully everyone will be able to be there. Then Friday, my two aunts will be here (they're coming tomorrow!) and family from Houston. It will be good to see my cousin (who's my age) cause I haven't seen her in ages! Trying to keep up with people is difficult sometimes, even if they are family.

I haven't posted many pictures with my posts lately, but hopefully that will change soon. I got a really neat camera for Christmas, and will be using it often, especially with the photography class I'm taking this semester.

I know everyone makes New's Years resolutions, but I've never really been big into doing that. So, instead I've got a few goals in mind for the next semester. That's about as far into the future as I can think about right now. For one thing, I'm going to stay busier than I was last semester. I had too much downtime. Not a good thing for me. So, I'm going to volunteer with the local Red Cross. I'm looking into a summer internship with them, and that would give me some good experience. I'm also going to go to the gym more. I've decided to swim laps. I'm a good swimmer, and it's something I enjoy doing. I should be able to get that in a few times a week with the schedule I have. That's pretty much all I've come up with so far. My classes should keep me pretty busy, especially photography, as well as hanging out with friends. I'm also scheming up a few weekend trips, and definitely something for spring break. I want to go skiing! If I can find only one other person to go with me, I'm headed to Santa Fe for the break. We'll see.

Well, there's a quick update. I'm going to spend the next seven days with family, and some time with friends too, hopefully. I want to be rested and recovered enough to face the new semester with a good attitude.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I've never had the best of timin'.
I open my mouth when I should be silent,
And just the time I should speak
Is when I say nothing at all.

When you're around, I'm clumsy.
I trip over my feet and my words, see
I can't say what I'm really thinking
'Cause you scramble all my thoughts.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

What we have is amazing.
You don't know it, but you're making
My heart want to beat
Right out of my chest.

Whether it's the distance of miles
Or the distance of our hearts
I'll never know, because you are to me
Like a closed window.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can see glimpses inside
But I can't reach through the glass
That covers your heart
And hides all that I miss.

One day you'll break that glass and let someone through
And in doing that you'll prove
That you're exactly who she needs,
And she'll be everything to you.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can only hope that someday
It will happen that way
For me, even if it's with someone
Who isn't you.

I don't understand why things are
The way they are and I'm so far
From where I want to be, but if I weren't,
It seems things would work out perfectly.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

Friday, December 18, 2009


Finally, today the sun started shining. I don't think I've seen the Texas sun since I arrived a week ago.  It was nice to have cold weather, but it's my opinion that if it's cold and wet, it should be snowing!  Though with all my complaining about the rain, it was amazing to fall asleep to the drizzle the other night.  It wasn't raining hard, just enough so that I could hear the dripping off the roof outside my window.

So what's going on right now-hmm. Well, we're still trying to get the house back in order after our whirlwind rennovation this summer.  There were some kinks in the plan, and we're still putting down the tile floors.  At the rate we're going, we WILL have a livingroom for Christmas! That is very good news, as we have been without one for about four months now.

While it's tiring to have to get up and get to work every morning, it is kinda nice to do some physical labor.  I'm rather pitiful and don't do much during the semester. (Hoping to change that this coming semester though.)  It's a nice change from sitting in hour long lectures every day. Sore muscles are a nuisance sometimes, but other times it feels kinda nice.  A reminder I've accomplished something.

I'm leaving this weekend to spend three days in Mississippi.  I'm happy to be going, because a good friend of mine is getting married.  They are the cutest couple and I wish them every happiness.  But it cuts some time from my break here. And, being very much human as I am, I am getting a tad jealous.  Sigh.  One day.

I was reminded this week that I'm not a very patient person.  While having to wait on an answer, the later in the day it got, the more disappointed and irritable I became.  Hopefully my impatience will get better as time goes on.  I've been waiting for some things a very long time, and some things I will have to wait a bit longer for. Sigh again.

I have an itch to go skiing.  Really bad!!! Every time someone mentions snow or skiing, I want to pack up right now and head north/west.  I would love to get a trip together for this spring break, but I'm afraid I can't find anyone actually willing to go.  I've had a few "that sounds like a good idea"s, but no takers yet. So, guess I keep looking at options and begging people to go with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  It was nice to chat for a while about different things going on in our lives.  I do worry that I talk about me too much.  But then again, I worry about everything-talking too much, too little, too shallow subjects, too deep subjects.  There's that moderation thing that keeps popping up wherever I look.

Ah well, my break is over and I should get back to work.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Lost Thoughts

Do you ever sit around thinking or in the course of the day a thought pops into your head, a rather good one, but no one is around to share it with?  Do you feel as though this thought is wasted? Just something I thought about. Kind of random, I know.

I thought when I first started writing that I had quite a bit to say. But it has either escaped me or isn't untangled enough from my head for it to be written down properly. So, that is all for now.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Some Other Beginning's End

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
Closing Time -Semisonic

Well, I must say that I'm happy that this new begining is the result of another beginning ending. Confusing? Well, my life as of late has been pretty confusing, so it fits. But, the semester is officially over!!!!!! All I'm waiting on is grades, and the two that I was worried about weren't so bad. So it's a great beginning so far! I finished up exams on Friday and spent a great weekend just hanging out with friends before they left for the semester. Yesterday and today I slept in, even later that I usually would.  I figured I would take advantage of that since I won't get to when I get home.  Too much to do!  I cleaned the house, made Christmas cookies, and did a little online Christmas shopping last night.  It was rather pleasant.  It was pretty good cause I got to be in the same house with my sister for once.  We've both been pretty busy this semester and our schedules didn't usually match up.  Today I think I'll make more cookies.  Probably a good thing because I have about four pounds of dough in my refridgerator right now...

I didn't go home right away after my exams because one of my good friends is getting married this month, and her bachelorette party is tomorrow night.  It should be interesting.  And fun!  It's been pretty nice actually, not having too much to do, and spending some time just for leisure.  I'm ready to go home though.  I'm determined that my time at home with my family is going to be as great, if not greater, than the first few days of the break.  I want no arguing or fussing!  And that means on my part.  I'm soooo tired of conflict, so none of that please.

I also want to see my friends from Texas.  I have an awesome Sunday school class back home, and spending time with them is always fun.  We're going to Houston Friday night to buy soccer balls to give to a couple going on a mission trip over the break.  And, of course, we're going to eat mexican food.  It's pretty much a class tradition.

This semester has been...hard, to say the least.  Very hard.  I want to erase all the hard things I had to face, and never look at them again.  I can't do that, but I can leave the past in the past and move on.  Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to use the break to get rid of some of the worries and bad moods I've been carrying around.  There are still several things that are uncertain, and a few things I need to get settled with people, but hopefully that will turn out ok.  I'm not going to spaz out about it.  Well, I'll try not to anyway.

I've been slow to get into the Christmas mood this year, but finally I'm there.  I'm listening to Christmas music, making Christmas cookies, and we finally decorated our house.  It's pretty. :)  I was sooo ready for Christmas break to get here, and I'm so glad it's finally here.  I'll probably be wishing for time to slow down for a while.  So far, it kinda feels like it has, and I'm ok with this.

So, I just wanted to say thanks for hanging on with me through this past semester.  At times I've not been very fun to talk to, be around, or even read about, but thanks for staying with me.  The people in my life really make everything worthwhile.  I love you guys!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!  :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Moment or Two

I only have a few minutes before I have to go to my next class, but I haven't posted in a while. So here's an update.

It's Friday! I always look forward to the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. I think it will be a good weekend. I hope so at least. Next weekend I head to California with my friend to attend a Marine Military Ball. I'm pretty excited about it. I've never been to Cali before, and how cool is a military ball?

Things have been kinda rough lately. The happy mood I was in from my last few posts didn't stick around long. I'm still dealing with some hurt. I need to get through it and move on. There have been some long and lonely nights, but I'm getting through it with help from my family and friends. I know I'm being prayed for and that helps more than you can know. I think if I can make it to the end of the semester, finish finals, I'll be ok. I need a break. I hope Christmas break will provide some relief.

Well, off to Ethics class to discuss lifestyle choices. Oh fun...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Haven't Met You Yet

A friend of mine posted some of these lyrics on Facebook, so I thought I'd share, because I like the song, and I like Michael Buble. :)

Watch the video here

Haven't Met You Yet
By Michael Buble

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.


I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.


But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.


You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Change

I don't know whether it's the weather, or just that I desperately need a change, but I've decided I'm tired of being depressed and upset about eveything. I'm ready to be happy again. So with the beautiful weather comes a change of attitude. I've been focusing on everything that's been wrong in my life. Granted, everything's not perfect, but it never is, nor ever will be. For me, or for anyone. But when I started to look at things with a different perspective today, things really aren't that bad. I have lots of things going for me and I'm really blessed. I have amazing family that loves me, and incredible friends that are there with me through whatever comes as well. This alone should make me grateful. I focus on my future a lot (as any college student does) and all I see sometimes is uncertainty. That uncertainty could be interpreted as opportunity. There's almost endless possiblilities for things I can do with my life. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to. I have mulititudes of chances to make a difference in people and am going to take those chances when they come. So instead of freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should, maybe I should look at what's happening and know it's for the best, however it turns out.

I'm also giving up coke. (As in the soda lol.) I think I'll function better without it and it gets expensive when you add it all up. Detoxing should be interesting, however. lol. So we'll see how that goes.

Hope if you are reading this that you are having a good day, and if not, don't worry-things will get better!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Stuck in Reverse

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I'm sitting in the library, dreading sitting through my next class. I usually eat lunch with friends during this time, but today I tried working on a presentation. Needless to say, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing. It's raining outside...again. It has rained for four weeks straight. And I'm not exaggerating. I am so sick of the rain. I hate walking to class and getting drenched, then sitting through a long and boring class, miserable because I'm soaked and cold. So, the rain has not helped my already fragile mood. Things have seemed to get worse lately. I haven't had the best semester so far, for many resons, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I do have fun hanging out with my friends, and we've done some cool things this semester. I've also gotten to know more people and know them better. But I get these waves of sadness and hopelessness. Sometimes they come from things that are happening in my life, but other times, it seems random, like right now. Sometimes they come and go quickly and other times seem to stick around for a while. I'm so tired. Tired of struggling with every single thing in my life. Tired of classes. Tired of everything I touch falling apart. Tired of trying. I know the way I've been the past few weeks has been a burden to people around me. I'm pretty sure it's getting to the point where they are afraid to even ask how my day has been. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the optimistic and genuinely happy person I used to be. (And I really wish the dude on the computer next to me would quit banging on the desk!) I don't want to be constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to be scared of tomorrow and what might happen. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until it's sunny outide and everything's better. But I know I can't. Things won't get better if I ignore them. Ugh. Life. Not cool.     

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Today was the first day back to school. I was out last week for three days, and Monday-Tuesday of this week was a holiday. So I haven't been to school in a week. I just got out of my 8 o'clock Spanish class. We had a test. I didn't know about this test. I failed this test. I don't normally curse, but right now I'm so angry that I could curse a blue streak. It's terrible but that's what's flying around in my head right now. I want to scream, or at the very least talk to someone about it, but it seems that no one answers text messages at nine in the morning. I really want to punch something right now. It's probably a good thing I'm sitting on campus in a relatively quite room or I'd probably have a broken computer and/or hand. Not many things make me mad, but apparently failing a test does. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it!!!! My professor is so hard nosed. He doesn't care if we all flunk. So even if I asked, he woudn't do anything- no extra credit, no make-up. If I hadn't had to spend two nights in the ER last week and been put on stupid painkillers, maybe I would have known about the test and actually studied for it. This sucks. Big time. I hate when crap like this happens, and aparently it likes to happen to me. This year is not turning out to be better than last. It's getting worse every day that passes. I'm going to go crawl into a fetal position and hide from the world for a while. Maybe I'll come out in a few years. Oh wait, I have class at ten. Yay me.   

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Under My Skin

I'm the kind of person where little things that people do get to me.  In a good way, most of the time.  When I least expect it, someone will say or do something that makes me feel so good.  I'm sure they don't know how much it means, but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed.  You have no idea how much an email, text, or phone call can mean.  Just a few minutes of your time is enough to change someone's day.  Today I had a craptastic day.  Every little thing was going wrong, and I was convinced it would just get worse.  There are so many things on my mind at the moment that it's easy to get lost in all that.  But all that seemed to get better in a matter of minutes, thanks to a friend.  It wasn't anything big, just a simple conversation.  Nothing earth shattering, just catching up.  It made me smile.  Seems like I'm not doing enough of that these days. Sometimes tears outweigh the smiles.  But that, my friend, is how life goes.  I'm convinced things will improve, and soon I'll be back to smiling more than crying.

I went to the worship service for the campus ministery tonight.  It's good to be able to go this semester, because I thought I would be forced to miss it because of a class.  Thankfully, the professor lets us out early.  Oddly enough, I feel a little uncomfortable in worship at the moment.  I feel like a child who has been scolded and now stands in front of her Father.  I feel bad standing and singing the lyrics to a praise song, hypocritical almost, when inside I am still wrestling and arguing with God.  But I need so much to be there standing among friends and siblings in Christ.  I feel a strength from being with them, a strength I so desperately need.  Sometimes it feels like I will never find my place again and be back to where I want and need to be.  But I know that I will get there.  A relationship is always full of ups and downs, and this is just a down.  There's really nowhere left to go but up.  There's some hope in that, at least.     

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

On My Mind

I've got some time to kill on campus, so I thought I'd write a few things that have been on my mind lately.

For starters, I had a great Labor Day weekend.  I flew home Friday afternoon, and my mom and I went to a movie together after she picked me up from the airport.  We watched Julie & Julia.  I liked it a lot.  Might even be one I'd buy later.  Saturday, I had lunch with my mom while my brother was at a guitar lesson.  That was good, if not a little emotional.  But we're girls, so that's to be expected.  That night we all went out for pizza and rented a movie.  I enjoyed what little time I got to just hanging out.  Seems like there is never enough time in a weekend. 

Sunday was my day to hang out with friends. I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed my Sunday school class.  We also went out to eat at the Mexican restaurant, which is sort of a class ritual or tradition.  I miss it so much!  That evening, we all went out to the property to ride horses and jus hang out.  I must have ridden for close to two hours!  I'm not used to that much time in the saddle and neither was my rear.  It was great tho.  I miss riding horses.  I've also missed hanging out with my friends there.  I think they should just move to Mississippi...  Just kidding.  I can only imagine the comments I'd get if I told them that.  I really didn't want to leave that night, those few hours just weren't enough, but I had to drive home on Monday, so thanks to Chica watching my back, I made it home at a decent hour.  What I want and reason do not always see eye to eye.  So I'm thankful for people looking out for me.

The drive home was long, but not bad.  Spent some time riding with the windows down and singing along with the music.  And my puppy dogs were happy to see me when I got home.

I went to BSU last night and it seemed as if the speaker had me in mind when he started speaking.  Everything he said hit me in the heart.  It wasn't necessarily plesant, but it was important for me to hear and acknowledge.  The message was about humility, Spiritual Humility.  I definitely need a dose of that.  I say and do good things, and everyone thinks that I'm a good Christian girl.  Truth is that I sin, all the time.  I try to keep my sins hidden so people will think I'm a good Christian.  I compare myself to others around me and justify the things I do wrong by saying "at least I'm not as bad as they are; the things I've done are not as bad as what they do."  How arrogant of me!  I was reminded of a conversation I had over the weekend, and I can remember clearly thinking, "Nothing I did was that bad. I could have done a lot worse, but I didn't.  So there's no reason for me to feel bad."  As a friend of mine would say, "false."  I could not be more wrong.  That is a prime example of Spiritual Pride.  Truth is that I sinned, and need to confess and ask forgiveness.  I struggle with my nature so many times, but just because it is a struggle doesn't make it permissable to give in.  I'm not saying any of this is easy, much the opposite.  It's taken me a while to settle some things, and it's going to take longer still.  Things like this can't be settled overnight.  I can't change the past, but I can make sure I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.  That's the best I can do.

A song that we sang last night had these words in it: "At the cross you beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."  This is a good song, and I understand the point of the lyrics, but I disagree.  Christ does not draw us gently to our knees every time.  He will do whatever necessary to bring us to our knees, and sometimes that is nowhere near gentle.  And there isn't anything sweet about being broken.  It hurts.  It is painful.  It's not something you enjoy or with would happen more often.  I understand that the songwriter was trying to convey that it is a good thing to be broken and on your knees, but the process is painful.  Only when you get past that point and back where you should be does the sweetness and gentleness come in.  I'm not at that point yet, but I can only hope it comes soon.          

Friday, August 28, 2009

Right Here Right Now

I had a great day today, despite having to get up at 6:30 to make it to my 8 o'clock class. I have an hour to kill between classes, so I went to the library to get some hot tea for a sore throat, and sat outside reading. It was very pretty weather today so sitting outside was really nice. I got to a really sad part in my book and had to tell myself not to cry! It's a good thing I've read it twice before, so I was able to read it fast and not bawl like I did the first two times.

After classes, I had lunch with my very bestest friend. We talked for hours! It was great. And after she left, I got a message from another friend, so I went to hang out with her for a while. I love my friends!

My mom and brother have been in and out of the house this week. My brother is a senior in high school, so they came out to look at schools in the area. It's been nice having them here. I love it here in Mississippi, and it's good to have almost everyone here. Oh, and good news! My dad will be coming home from overseas soon! We're not sure exactly when just yet, but I'm really glad he's coming home. He's been working overseas for two and a half years now. I miss him terribly.

As I was having lunch with my bestest best friend today, we started talking about where we are in life, and where we're headed. I realized (not for the first time) that I am constantly living in the future. I keep waiting for something to happen. Whether it's next weekend, six months from now, or a year down the road. I'm always waiting for the next big thing to happen. I think I'm missing so much that's going on right here and now. There are amazing things that happen everyday, but if you're not looking for them, they will pass by unnoticed. I guess it's all about being content. Being happy with whatever situation you find yourself in. Paul said he had learned how to be content. That gives me hope, because if it was something that was supposed to come natural, I'd be out of luck. But it's something that I can work on and learn. So I need to be happy being me, and being where I am, and being happy with the people who are in my life right now. I shouldn't worry about those who have moved on or those yet to come.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 (NAS)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)


Thursday, August 20, 2009


My first week as a junior is almost complete. Only two more classes to go tomorrow. It's been a good week overall, with only a few rough spots. I'm liking my classes so far, but they will definitely be more challenging and require much more time and effort than in previous semesters. I'm looking forward to getting more into what I want to do as a career though. Even though I'm still ironing that out.

I'm at home now, listening to the end of the thunderstorm I got caught in walking to my car. I've decided that I like thunderstorms, but I enjoy them much more when I'm inside and dry. :)

Friday, August 14, 2009

One Year Passed

Well, one year has passed since I started writing. When I go back and look at where I was then, it seems like it was ages ago. So much has happened, good and bad, in the past year. I can't say it's been the easiest year of my life, and I sure don't want to relive it. All I can do is move on, forget about the hurtful things, and remember the good things. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but it's the only way to keep going.

It seems like I have to start over so often. Whether it's moving locations, trying to move on from a relationship, or just a change of heart, I have to refocus and restart. I keep hoping one day that maybe I'll be in a more stable situation. It hasn't happened yet, nor do I foresee it happening in the near future. It all seems kind of disheartening and hopeless at the moment, but maybe that's because I'm trying to accomplish the daunting task of packing. That never makes me feel particularly chipper.

I always seem to screw things up in the summer. I don't know why. It starts out good, then progressively gets worse as it gets closer to me moving back to school. I mess up relationships right and left. It's hard to do things you want to do, while thinking of others. I think I try to make everything work out the way I think it should be, only Newsflash!-It doesn't work. Can I just be three again when the most earth shattering thing that happened to me was when I couldn't find my stuff animal before I went to bed?

Well, here I go again. Another summer over and another semester beginning. This year has to be better than last. It just has to be...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I So Hate Consequences

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that
-Relient K

Monday, August 10, 2009

An Incredible 48 hours

I just got off the phone with a friend who is in Nicaragua. How cool is that?! He went down there about a month ago and will be there for thirteen months. It was great to hear about what's happening down there. Maybe we'll get a trip together to go visit. That would be pretty sweet.

I had an awesome weekend. I had a date Friday night to the Cory Morrow concert in town. It was a good concert. Good music and I even got to dance a few songs. Found out that I can't dance worth a flip, but I think I just need more practice. I'll catch on eventually. (Warning: sarcasm) I'll just add it to the list of things I suck at.

After the concert we drove the two and a half hours to the lake. It was nice to have that time alone to talk and hang out. I'm gonna miss those times spent together, but I'm glad I have those memories to hang onto until we can make new ones.

The lake was incredibly low this time. In some places the normal watermark was twenty feet higher than where the water is now. It's kinda sad. But we were able to launch the boat a couple miles up the road and do our normal activities.

I don't normally do much other than ride in the boat and swim, but I decided to get on the tube. Two of us got on it, and as I was getting out of the boat I asked the driver not to throw me too hard. I'm a bit of a chicken when it comes to stuff like that. Anyway, we got on and took off. He was going easy on us, and the brilliant soul who was riding with me decides to let go of the handholds and get up on his knees. Usually this encourages the driver to nail it, which he did. The fearless one riding with me decided it might be better if he hung on again, but alas was too late and away he went. Usually when two people are tubing and one falls off, the other is not far behind. But not so! I managed to hang on. So we went back to pick him up and go a second round. The second was much like the first, but instead he almost stands up on the tube. This action elicited the same reaction as before, and he flipped over me and into the water. He ate it that time. It was hilarious, and I can only imagine what it looked like to the spectators in the boat. I didn't fall off this time either, but thought I might cause I was laughing so hard. Even my friend in the water was hysterical. Too funny.

That was only one instance of the great times we had. I was really glad I got to spend time with the group, certain people in particular. I've had the privilege of getting to know some pretty incredible people, and I'm going to miss them terribly. But I will be back, hopefully often, and can see everyone again. Until then I'll look forward to keeping in touch via the internet, phone-heck, carrier pigeons if I have to. Good friends are too rare to let something as trivial as a few miles take that friendship away.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Winding Down

Our trip to the Hill Country was great. We spent four days in a cabin that had a river nearby. It was great spending time with my family, eating, talking, and playing in the river. The scenery on the drive up there and back was really pretty. I also had plenty of time to think through some things, and I have to say I came back better than I went. I've got a peace of mind about things that I didn't have, and didn't expect to find anytime soon.

The summer is starting to wind down. It makes me sad, because there is still lots I'd like to do and it seems like I'm running out of time. I don't enjoy the transitions I have to make between my life here in Texas and my life in Mississippi. It's hard for me to go back and forth between them. If I could only combine the good parts of both, I'd be one happy chica. I miss my friends in Mississippi, but I am going to miss my family and friends in Texas when I go back to school. But such is life. I've got some time left here, so I'll take it day by day, and when it comes time to leave, I'll embrace that eleven hour drive back to my Mississippi, and look forward to the good times that lie ahead there, here, and somewhere in between.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


This week we've been working hard in the house (as we have all summer). We have gotten a lot accomplished, but it's been pretty tiring. My dad came home from England yesterday, and tomorrow we are going to a cabin in the Hill Country for a few days for some R&R and to spend some time with my dad. When he comes home, there is always so much to do that he leaves even more tired than he was when he got here. It will be nice to spend some time together as a family. As we get older and grow up, it gets harder for all of us to get together at the same time. Right now, there are three households that have to coordinate in order for us to be together. Someone told me recently that we're complicated and I agree!

I personally am looking forward to no facebook, no phone, and no stress. I want to spend the day sleeping, reading, eating, and doing lots of nothing. I need to take some time for me to let go of things I've been worrying about, and find my upbeat attitude again. It's gotten lost here in the past few days. The world isn't coming to an end just because things aren't working out the way I want them to. Plus, in the grand scheme of things, my dramas aren't really that big. It only seems that way at the moment. I think I know what will help...reading Pride and Prejudice again. Jane Austen always makes me feel better. :)

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I looked out the kitchen window this evening while I was cooking supper and I just had to step outside and take a few pictures. I always try to capture the sunset in a picture, but it never comes out quite like it is in person. These are pretty close though.

Sunsets never seem to last long enough. The colors change so rapidly that in just a little while everything turns to night. Seems like some things in my life are sunsets. They don't last long enough, and then everything turns to night. Night isn't a bad thing, as long as the stars are out, but it seems to go on forever sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could capture those things like I try to capture the sunset. But, like the picture, it won't be quite like the original.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I think I have come to the realization that I am clingy. :/ Not something I have aspired to be, and I have denied it before, but I think I am. But is it my personality or just a part of being a female? I know that I tend to be singular in my focus when it comes to something I feel strongly about. It's like I wrap my whole life around that focus. Sometimes it's an activity, sometimes an object, or sometimes a person. In the case of a person, a guy to be exact, I think about him all the time, want to talk or see him as much as I can. I tend to mesh everything together and incorporate him into my life. I want to text often, telling him everything that's going on in my life at that particular moment. I think that's part of being female, connecting everything together, like spaghetti (see previous blog post here if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about). Guys, on the other hand, tend to compartmentalize, like waffles. Work is one thing, family another, and girl yet another. Can you see how this might lead to frustration? The girl gets put out when she doesn't hear from the guy as much as she thinks she should. She feels forgotten about. The guy doesn't understand why she's aggravated, he was busy. Surely she could understand that. And the girl thinks, "Well, I was busy too, but I still found time to talk to you!" Oh my. Well, based on this, I'm thinking "clingy-ness" is a part of being female. Not every girl is always clingy, or as clingy as others, but I still think it happens. So, I guess it takes patience and the girl's part, and understanding on the guys. Just one of those differences that we have to learn how to deal with and compromise. What do you think?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Free to Be Me

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek
And it's easy to believe
Even though
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
Francesca Battistelli

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Summertime in Mississippi

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and until now, had forgotten about it. I delayed posting it because I wanted to put pictures up with it. So I will post it now.

After being in Texas all summer, I got to spend a few days back in Mississippi to take care of some things at our house. I had forgotten how much I love summertime here. Everything is green and growing and flowers are blooming. I absolutely love the sights and smells of summertime in Mississippi. Fresh cut grass never smelled better nor looked so good. My very favorite part of the day to enjoy the summer is right before twilight. When everything has slowed down and cooled down too. Tonight was absolutely perfect outside. It wasn't hot and the humidity wasn't bad either. The light outside during that part of the day makes everything look like a picture out of a storybook. The sky is all shades of blue, orange, and pink. If I could freeze time for a while, it would be to enjoy those moments longer. Or better yet, I get to enjoy them everyday! I love to feel the grass under my bare feet. It's soft and cool. I love to smell the honeysuckle that grows in my yard. My mother doesn't like it because it's a vine that takes over whatever it grows on, but it's my favorite flower. It smells amazing, has a unique white bloom, and if you do it just right, you can taste the sweet nectar that hides inside. To me, it epitomizes summertime in the country. Just seeing or smelling it makes me feel at home.

The Hidden Person of the Heart

This summer, I'm attending a Bible study on Wednesday nights. We're studying the book of 1st Peter. We've only met once, and unfortunately I'm going to miss the next two weeks, so I decided to keep up the reading and write my own notes about what I've read. So tonight I had a quite moment by myself and decided to read the second half of chapter two and chapter three.

In chapter three, the first thing that Peter talks about is how wives should act. I believe that this applies to single women as well, because we are future wives, hopefully. So the first part talks about being submissive to your husband. I thought "yeah, yeah, I've heard this part before. Got it." But Peter's reason for being submissive is a little different than the reasons that Paul uses. Peter says that wives (who are believers) should be submissive to their husbands (who are unbelievers) so that they may be a witness by their actions. I think this situation applies to a woman who becomes a Christian after she is married, and her husband does not. I believe that God blesses this situation, if the wife is submissive and lives as a Christian witness to her husband.

But the part that struck me tonight was in verses three and four: "Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. (NASB)" Wow. That phrase "the hidden person of the heart" stopped me cold. For so long, I have complained that no one knows the real me. So I have been trying things to get noticed, and to shock people into spending time getting to know who I am. It hasn't worked and has only been a source of frustration for me and those around me. I have always been the quiet girl. Lately I have wanted to change that, but according to these verses, having "gentle and quiet spirit" is precious to God. So all along, God has seen the real me. He sees the hidden person of my heart, and I am precious to Him. The world does not value a meek and gentle spirit, but God does. That's all I need to know.

Who is the Hidden Person of your Heart?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another First

This summer seems to be a summer of firsts for me, in some respects. Well, here's another to add to the list. I bought my first pair of honest to goodness cowgirl boots! I've been looking at boots for a while now and finally found a pair that I liked. I went today to try them on again, and if they had the right size, purchase them. So, here's what I wound up with. I like them and can't wait to break them in!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

An Amazing Moment...

...that lasts forever, or many amazing moments that are fleeting? This is an interesting question to pose. The moment that you are in is a sure thing, you know that it is amazing, and would be amazing forever. Other moments are unknown. Will they be as good as the one you are in? Better? If you stay in that one moment forever, what might you be missing?

I think life is a series of amazing moments. Sometimes they are few and far between, and sometimes you are blessed beyond belief and fall into a series of them. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes you have to look for them. I think the best compromise is to love the moment you are in, while it lasts, while at the same time looking forward to other amazing moments just around the corner.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Wild at Heart

Some people are of the opinion that I've gotten kinda daring and wild this summer. This surprised me because I haven't changed on the inside, I'm just getting better at reflecting it. Usually I show people what they want to see. Sometimes this is good, cause I can blend into a crowd, and not go against the grain. Sometimes not so good, because people don't see the real me. Lately I've been trying new things, things I've always wanted to do. I guess the first "wild" thing I did this year was getting a second hole pierced in my ears. It's nothing extravagant, and lots of people have two holes in their ears, but I guess nobody really expects that from me. I like it when I do something unexpected. People are constantly underestimating me, and when they do, I shock them. It's quite fun. :) Another crazy new thing I did just last weekend was ride a motorcycle. Not a Harley, but a sport bike. A friend of mine promised me a ride, so the next chance I got, I took him up on it. It was utterly amazing. Words cannot describe the way I felt as we raced down the highway. It felt like I was sitting still, and everything was whizzing by me at lightning speed. So amazing. I can't wait to do it again! Stay tuned to see what other wild and crazy stunts I try this summer. ;)

My piercing

This is pretty close to what I rode, only his was orange.

Friday, May 15, 2009


Someone asked me recently what made me happy. My response? Simple things make me happy. Things like sitting outside at night and staring at the stars, listening to the rain, hearing a baby laugh, driving on back roads with windows down and singing along with the music, sharing a meal with friends or family, wading in a creek in the summer, doing something exciting for the first time. Those are all things that make me feel like the happiest and luckiest girl alive. I love to share these things with my friends and family. People are the most important things I have in my life. Without them, where would I be? Nowhere happy, that's for sure.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Relaxing Weekend at the Lake

For Mother's Day, my mom decided to go somewhere for the weekend. It would be nice to get away for a while. We thought about going to the beach, but then decided to go to the lake. It wasn't a terribly long drive, only about three hours. My siblings and I have been to this lake before, but not to this place we're staying. It's a nice little place, with a small cabin we rented. The cabin is supposed to be right on the water, and I'm sure it is when the lake isn't down 14 feet. It's really sad to see where all the water used to be. I just hope it rains a lot before my sister and I come back in June, so we can do stuff on the boat. But this weekend it was nice to get away from phones, internet, computers, and television, and be able to sleep, relax, listen to music, and read. Not to mention a little bit of writing. My thoughts are always clearer when I'm away from all the every-day distractions.

Friday night was really nice. I grilled steak outside on the grill. That was interesting considering I haven't used charcoal in like, 8 years. It turned out really well though. Supper was good, and we sat around the table and laughed hysterically about all manner of things. After that, we just sat around talking and eventually got ready for bed. I walked on of the dogs before bed, and it was windy and lightning outside. Usually I'm a little neurotic about storms (because I'm terrified of tornadoes) but I liked the weather that night. The lightning was streaking and flashing all across the sky over the lake. It was beautiful.

I love being away from the city, and people, and all the artificial noise. I like to go outside, see beautiful sights, and not worry about who's watching. I'm not always antisocial, but sometimes it's nice. Sometimes I think I'd like to live on a deserted island. But for now, for this weekend, the lake was my getaway.

Our weekend was not without adventure. The lady at the office told us that the one of the waterfalls was only about 2 miles away, and that you could walk to it. My sister and I decided to go. I should have known that wherever the two of us go, an adventure follows. Whether it's getting lost in Little Rock at 11pm in the ghetto trying to find McDonald's, or making a wrong turn in the woods riding horses and taking a 4 hour detour, or trying to escape Gustav and Bubba in rural Arkansas, we always have interesting stories to tell. Anyway, we started trekking to the falls around 4pm on Saturday. Since the lake was so dry, we were able to walk on dry lake bed. Well, the first part was really soggy. After that, there was a stretch of the trip that had ankle-turning rocks and sticks, then buzzard alley, then dead, putrid fish, then a horse pasture, all of which used to be under water. We finally made it to the falls. We stayed for about 10 or 15 minutes, stuck our feet in the water, and left. The whole trip was about 5 miles, and took over three hours. It really wasn't worth it to see something we've seen several times before. Going to the falls stinks (sometimes literally) unless you're going by boat. Note to self: don't do that again. But like I said, it was an adventure.

All-in-all, we had a quiet, relaxing weekend. It was so nice to sit outside on the porch at night and listen to all the sounds of the night. That is without a doubt my favorite part of going to the lake.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Summer Change

After a loooong drive home, I am finally here for the summer. I was sad to leave Mississippi, with all of her beauty and comfort, but I was not sad to leave Starkville. The past semester was hard, and I was more than ready to leave everything behind. This summer has an uncertain air about it. I have a feeling that it will be better than last summer-it just about has to be. But there are also hints of some tough things I will have to deal with, mostly within myself. So I'm not sure what the summer will bring, but I'm ready for a change.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


This afternoon, as I walked back to my car after classes were done for the day, I was in a pretty good mood. It was a gorgeous day outside, and I was finished with three of my five classes. I reached my car and opened the door to get inside. The heat enveloped me like a blanket. It was a welcome feeling because it had been absent so long. That feeling can only mean one thing: summer is well on it's way.

Have you ever felt like you were two different people? I feel that way very often. It's as if the person who everyone sees is very different from the person who very few, if any people see. Maybe not two totally different people, but definitely not the same. On the outside, I am meek, polite, and soft-spoken. These are not bad qualities to have, but sometimes people take advantage of them. Others see these qualities and assume I am lacking other qualities, such as confidence and ambition. If only people could see what's inside. There is such passion, ambition, and downright fire inside of me. There are times I would like to chew people out for being stupid. Other times I want to go at something with all that's in me. Everyone who knows me (aside from my family, because they have seen it on occasion) would be totally shocked if they saw this coming from me. The things I feel inside are hard for me to express. They don't translate well to others. I think that the people I'm around either hold this back, or let it come out. One day there will be someone who will be able to see all that's behind this facade, and see who I really am from the inside out. Every layer and fiber of my being. I'm waiting for the person, and only the person who can do that.

Monday, April 13, 2009


What is wrong with being a "traditional" woman? There is so much pressure on young women to be independent from men, have a high profile career, and, IF you marry, you must not fulfill the traditional role of mother/housewife. Why is being a woman, or housewife, or mother taboo in our society? Today's "modern woman" is hardly a woman at all. She is expected to fulfill the role of both man and woman. She must be highly competitive, never show emotion, and do everything a man can do, only faster and better. On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life, she must also be incredibly pretty, soft, and feminine, lest she be perceived as anything less than straight. How can one individual fulfill all of these expectations under so much stress? I think it is impossible to accomplish, and be happy and satisfied with life. I'm not saying every woman should be June Cleaver. That isn't plausible either. I'm addressing the issue of the negativity towards a woman who wants to be a wife and mother. No career, no "job." Women with this desire are frowned upon and thought of as less of a woman, a whipped puppy, if you will. Some of these women are seen as gold-diggers or lazy. A woman who runs a household and raises children has one of the hardest jobs around. It is very rewarding work, although there is not a paycheck every month. Payment is in the form of having a fulfilling and satisfying life, and raising children to be kind and smart adults. If a woman wants to have a high profile career, go for it. If she wants to have a family also, that's great. Just don't look down on a woman who wants a family as her career.
I've come up with several reasons that I, personally, want to be a stay-at-home mom:
1. I'll get to see every stage of development in my children
2. I'll be available for every important event for my children.
3. I'll be able to provide for and care for my husband and children.
4. I'll have time to care for my house and take pride in it.
5. I'll be available to care for my husband's and my parents later in life, in our home.
6. I'll be able to homeschool my children.
7. I'll have time to devote to just my husband.
8. I'll strive to be the best wife, mother, and woman I can be.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Hand Song


I recently discovered a new band, thanks to Andy telling me about Pandora. They're called Nickel Creek, and sound alot like Allison Krauss. They have some really great songs, but one in particular really touched me. It's called The Hand Song.



The boy only wanting to give mother something,
And all of her roses had bloomed.
Looking at him as he came rushing in,
without knowing her roses were doomed.
All she could see were some thorns buried deep,
And tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.

And she knew it was love, it was what she could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

He still remembers that night as a child, on his mothers knee.
She held him close and she opened her Bible, and quietly started to read.
Then seeing a picture of Jesus, he cried out:
"Mama he's got some scars like me!"
And he knew it was love, it was what he could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

Now the boy is grown and moved out on his own,
when Uncle Sam comes along.
A foreign affair, but our young men are there,
and luck had his number drawn.
It wasn't that long till our hero was gone,
he gave to a friend what he learned from the cross.
But they knew it was love, it one they could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

It was one they could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Natchez Trace

I've been wanting to drive down the Natchez Trace Parkway for a long time now, and finally got a chance to today. I went with my best friend, Andy! :) We have had all sorts of adventures together, and today was no exception. We got on the Trace in Mathiston and drove about 100 miles down to the Ross Barnett Reservoir just north of Jackson. It was a beautiful day to be out and about, about 75 degrees and sunny skies. So we drove, listened to music, and stopped to see as much as we could. And we took lots of pictures!