Friday, February 26, 2010

Doubts and Fears

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.


This past weekend a group of students from State led a Disciple Now at Agricola Baptist Church. I was asked to lead a group of 9th grade girls. I was nervous about it at first because I've never lead a Bible study group. A friend of mine was helping organize, so I decided to help her out. So we all met at the BSU on Friday and caravanned to Lucedale. Because we had a trailer attached to one of the vehicles, we had to go slower so the trip too about 4 hours. Once we got there and got set up, we ate and then went to worship. I really wasn't prepared for this weekend. As a result, our first small group session didn't go very well. I felt like I was stumbling over my words, repeating myself, and the girls weren't really contributing. I was pretty disappointed. My and my co-leader decided to prepare better for the next session. It went much better, so I felt a little more effective. Saturday night and Sunday morning's sessions were probably the best. I finally felt like the girls were listening to what we said.

I think I learned more this weekend than the girls did. I was faced with how far I've gotten from my first love and from the joy of being a Christian. How I ever thought I could do things on my own, I don't know. I have zero power to make things happen in my life. When I try to run things, I get myself into huge messes. When I finally give up and come back to God, head hung low with tears streaming down my face, He accepts me back, comforts me, and starts to work things out in my life for good, just as He's promised me. I realized that I need to lay aside my fears and insecurities and trust God to work things out. He delights in giving us good things. He wants us to have good things in our lives. So if we let Him, He'll work things out for our best. I've got to hold onto that and not try to make things work the way I want them to.

Friday, February 19, 2010


Today was a good day. A very good day. I decided to be brave and get over some pretty deep insecurities and fears I had about being in a relationship again. I can't say it was easy at first, but I really think my fears are irrational. It will be different this time. I kinda felt like I had stepped off the tower of a zipline this afternoon. There was the feeling you get when you're free-falling for that moment until the wire catches you and you begin to move forward. I think this is going to be a pretty amazing ride, and I guess I'll have to wait and see where I wind up. Wherever that may be, I want it to be all for God's glory and not my own.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bright Picture

These past few weeks have been pretty great, an overall bright picture with few dark spots. I've had great times with friends lately. It seems that last semester, my friendships were tested, at times to their limits. But this semester seems to be a time when friendships are growing and deepening. I am so very thankful for my close friends. I have gained a new friendship from this past summer and it is awesome getting to know her and talk more with her. She's so precious. Other friends are still relatively new as well, but I feel as though I've known them for a long time. Yet others are "old" friends, but the relationship is deepening and widening. This is incredible to me as well. So, you know who you are, and I love y'all!

I have more to say, but it's sleepytime. So, until next post, I bid thee farewell and a good night/day. Adios.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Road Paved with Good Intentions

No wonder I have a problem making decisions. Every time it's left up to me to decide something that effects other people, I'm bound to make the wrong one. I try to make everyone happy and wind up making everyone ticked off instead. It's enough to make an otherwise optimistic girl cynical at times. My intention tonight was two-fold: to spend time with one friend, while at the same time cheering another one up. I figured that it would work since all those participating were friends and hung out together. Apparently I was wrong. What resulted was the one friend getting ticked off at me and the other even less cheery than before. I'm no good at this relationship thing, whether it be friends or guys. I try and try and try to make things work, be the mediator, make peace with people, and I wind up getting stomped to death in the process.

On another slightly depressing note, it's kinda a downer when you have an idea to do something that you'd enjoy and think other people might enjoy, only to find out that nobody wants to do it with you. And I mean not even one person. This one's too busy, that one doesn't have enough cash, and still another just thinks it isn't that great of an idea to start with. There's a movie I want to see, but no one else wants to see it. Ok, so I'll go by myself. Not a big deal. I wanted to go to the rodeo, but everyone else thought that was pretty lame. (Thanks to an awesome friend, I didn't have to go all by myself though.) I wanted to go skiing so bad for spring break, but yet again it was a flop. The one person who would have gone, found other more willing participants, and is going this week. Gee, thanks. I don't mind doing things myself every once and a while, but it gets old. I do things that other people want to do all the time, even if it's not particularly my favorite. But for them to return the favor, well, it just doesn't happen. BUT, if I do wind up doing something own my own, away from the crowd, I get heckled for that too! I just don't get it...

I'm such a contradiction. I love the beach and the mountains. I wear pearls with leather jackets. I like boots and converse and heels. I enjoy a rodeo as much as a book or play. I like classical music and country music. One set of interests and abilities work well with someone, but my other interests and abilities clash. But take the opposite person and it's the same thing in reverse. It always seems to be a point of contention. Sometimes I think it's nearly impossible to find the person that compliments me. Sure, I can compliment other people well, but I always seem to be lacking something.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Advice and Experiences

Recently I've come across several people having some issues with relationships. Goodness knows this is common, and I've had my share of ups and downs just like anyone else. I think that sometimes things aren't talked about enough. It's really important for Christians to share experiences and advice with each other so that we can learn and grow from others. First, I want to say that if anybody has a problem and wants someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not can help in every situation, but I can be a sounding board. Second, I want to share what I've learned from the things I've been through. I especially want to write to encourage my girls who might be reading this. This is written mostly for girls, because I am one, so that's where my experiences have come from. If there are any guys out there reading this, you may certainly continue, and hopefully you'll get a little insight into the female mind. This might be a tad random, however, because I'm writing as things come to mind.

So, girls, when a guy first starts paying attention to you, watch out! I have been in several situations where I'm going merrily on my way when it suddenly comes to my attention that I have an admirer. This might sound really shallow, but I want to be as honest and as transparent as I can be. Some of the time, I haven't even noticed the guy until he starts paying attention to me. That's not a bad thing. What isn't so great is that I start liking him, not because of what a great guy he is, but because he's giving me the time of day. I'm attracted to the attention. I know it sounds shallow, but I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. This is a big thing especially if there are doubts and fears about the way I look or about my future. Sometimes I can be really insecure and a guy's attention makes me feel better about myself. I'm not saying that you should write off every guy who pays attention to you. Just make sure you find out his character before you go giving your heart to him. Make sure he's worth it.

That brings me to a second thought: Don't give yourself away too quickly. I have a big problem with this. I get very attached to people, very quickly. It's just the kind of personality I have. I have a big heart and see right away the good in people. This is a good way to be, but can also lead to trouble if I'm not careful. There have been several times in the past where I have revealed way too much, way too quickly. I get comfortable with a guy, and we have great conversations, but I wind up saying too much. I'm too quick to tell my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. It's good to be real with people, but if you aren't very careful, they can use that openness against you. Sometimes it's not intentional, yet other times it is. Make very sure that the guy you're talking to is worth you sharing your heart with. Make sure that he isn't going to use the information you share against you.

It's not just shared information that's come back to bite me in the butt, but also emotions. This is a huge thing for me. I'm going to talk to the guys for a minute. Please realize that every sweet thing you say to us, every simple touch, does a number on our hearts and emotions. You have no idea what "you looked very pretty today" or touching our hand does. It's incredibly powerful. Again, these aren't bad things, but please realize what it does, and make sure your intentions match the gesture. Nothing hurts worse that remembering all the beautiful words and gestures, only to realize that in the end it meant nothing at all, that it was only a ploy to get to us. The hurt that brings is hard to describe. It's a lot like a knife being stabbed in the chest. I don't wish that on anyone.

So girls, be really careful to guard your hearts against this. The guy you give your heart and emotions to needs to be worthy of that, because it's a precious thing to share. We are such emotional beings that we do lots of things to get the love and affection we crave. I know the struggle that goes on in our hearts and minds when we are faced with a difficult dilemma. There's a struggle to remain pure and save everything until you are at the point where you give all you have to offer to that amazing guy, and having that need for acceptance and affection. There are times when I crave physical touch, something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold. It's so hard to think when you're in the moment, right there with him. So decide where your boundaries are and what's acceptable way before you're even faced with this decision. I have been in those situations and there were times where I didn't make good choices because I didn't think about it before I was put in a tough spot. There were other times it saved me from a world of heartache.

Be sure not to put yourself in awkward spots. I always thought I would be fine, but like I said, in the moment it's totally different! I know you've heard this from your moms or Sunday school teachers, and so have I. Of course, being the stubborn thing I am, I didn't listen half the time. So much awkwardness could have been avoided. So listen!

Guys, back to you. Don't put her in those situations! Man up and decide that you're going to take the lead in being right in a relationship. Tell her up front what's acceptable and what's not. Don't make her do it all the time. Society says that guys can't control themselves and it's up to the girl to say no. Bull hockey. You are decent human beings and can control yourselves. Be a man and don't back out of having hard or awkward conversations with a girl. Most of us don't bite...too hard, anyway.

Girls, although we crave that attention, don't sacrifice everything to get it. Demand to be treated the way you should be. Don't play second fiddle to work, another girl, or a guys whims. You are so precious and deserve the best. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they don't realize what they've done or not done even bothers us. So kindly inform him. It's ok to be real with guys and let them know what's going on. Be straight with them. If it's killing you that he's not making a decision, talk to him about it. Don't be nagging or whiny about it. Be a woman and clearly and explicitly (but kindly) tell him what's on your mind. Guys hate guessing and trying to figure out what we want, so tell them.

Don't let your insecurities or fears be the driving force in a relationship. That's what God is for. He's there to be your strength and substance. A guy is only there to compliment what an incredible person you are. If you can't serve God better with that guy, then you need to look harder at that relationship and maybe move on to where God wants you to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I certainly don't know it all. In fact, some people reading this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "She doesn't even practice what she preaches!" That's true. In the past, I haven't followed a lot of the things I've mentioned. I have learned from those mistakes, however, and am trying my best to do differently in the future. My heart's desire is to follow Christ and somewhere along the way meet the guy who has that same desire, who can walk along with me to serve Him better.

I wish I could take all my friends and save them from any hurt that might come their way. I can't, anymore than those close to me wish they could do the same for me. But hopefully my experiences will shine a new light on things, and help you in some way or another. At the very least I hope it was interesting reading. Au revoir.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

On an Even Keel

Life has been going pretty good lately. Nothing terrible has happened and nothing terribly exciting either. I'm on an even keel. It's pretty nice, actually. I'm really enjoying it. School isn't too much to handle right now. My friends are awesome and I'm enjoying hanging out with them and getting to know some of them better. I've given up some of the worries that had plagued me last semester and it's really freeing. I've been happier this semester than I've been in a while, and I think it's due to many things, but mostly a change in attitude. I have given up trying to manipulate things to make them work out the way I want them to. While I cannot control my life, I know the One who can.

I had hoped to write more, because I have more to say, but the late hour has effected my ability to think and write. So I'm off to sleep!