Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Thousand Dollar Wit


Soo... Recently my posts (though sparing) have been somewhat in the direction of the not so happy. Ok, downright depressing. But I've decided to pull out that thousand dollar wit and humor again to have you thoroughly entertained.  Ok, so somewhat amused at least.  I hope.  Ahem.

So let's get the ball rolling.  Since I don't have anything in particular to rant about nor do I have an appropriate soapbox topic as of late, I'll go on about what's going on in my life.  I know you're on the edge of your seat now.

I successfully (depending on how you define success) finished another semester of college.  I passed all my classes and didn't bomb my gpa too bad.  I have ONE more semester left!  It can't end soon enough.  But then again, I like the college life.  Just not the classes, tests, teachers, and that sort of stuff.  Ah well.  I'm taking 12 hours (the least number of hours I've had in the history of ever) and I'm looking forward to it.  I also hopefully will have an internship (cross your fingers Monday morning).  I hope it will be the jump-start I need to begin this whole career thing.

I am happier than I've been...pretty much ever.  Most of that is due to a wonderful addition to my life.  You'll probably get tired of hearing about him, but I don't care.  This is my blog, after all.  I figure if you didn't like hearing me ramble on, you would have stopped following long ago! (Because rambling is my middle name.  Ok, not really. That would be awful silly.  My momma loves me more than that.) Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  I am being treated like the inner princess that I am (tongue-in-cheek here, people) and we have so much fun together.  I have finally found someone who can be as goofy as I am, and understands all my random cartoon movie references.  Hello, first date we watched The Emperor's New Groove.  Can you say keeper? That's all I'll go on about right now.  Stay tuned for more gushing. ;)

I have direction in my life and that makes me happy as well.  I like having a plan.  And making lists.  And brainstorming.  And being organized.  Probably to the point of obsession, but hey, one must obsess about something.  Or somethings...  I digress.  So here's the plan (I've stopped putting letters e.g. A, B, C because there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet...):  Get an internship and finish my last semester of college.  I love multitasking.  Yay.  Then, in a perfect world, that internship would morph into a full-time job.  If not, I'll find a full-time job somewhere.  I want to stay in the Starkville area for a while.  That will allow me to save up some money and get my feet under me.  That's about as far as I've gotten, but it's much farther than I was just a couple months ago.

I am in a crafty mood as of late.  Not the trick you kinda crafty, but the make cool stuff out of regular stuff kinda crafty.  My project in progress is making Christmas ornaments.  Yes, I'm aware that December 25th has already passed.  I'm looking ahead to next Christmas.  They're made of paper circles that you score and glue together to form a geometrical sphere thing.  I'll have to post a picture later.  Hard to explain.  Anyhow, they're made with cool vintage/old fashioned-looking paper.  I think that shall be the theme to the Christmas decorations I'm amassing slowly.  I've decided to get three jars.  One with $, another with $$, and the third with $$$ written on them.  In them I'll put slips of paper with ideas for craft projects.  Most of the ones I do right now will probably come out of the $ jar, seeing as how I'm broke most of the time.

I have a fabulous idea to start my own business.  I want to be a special events coordinator.  (That's my official title.  Party planner sounds a bit unimpressive).  I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, some of which have landed on paper in my Book of Gradios Ideas.  Yes, it has a title.  Just go with it.  I have a rather large bubble around my head and would hate to have it slap someone in the face when it popped.  Just sayin'.

So there are some random, off-the-wall, crazy things that are going on right now.  Hope you were enterta--I mean, slightly amused. Adios por ahora.

  

         

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Center of a Pound Cake

Tasting the hottest hot sauce in Texas
and there’s no bread nor milk
anywhere around.

Pressing your face into the glass
of the cake shop downtown
knowing you can’t afford McDonald’s
much less a $2,500 wedding cake.

Going for hours after eating
a bowl full of pistachios
without a single glass of water
to soothe that burning saltiness
on your tongue.

Smelling the forbidden pecan pie
in the oven your mother
is taking to the church picnic,
knowing you’ll never get a slice.

Running to the kitchen
after a terrible day at school,
looking behind the Slim Fast
for the hidden tub of cookie dough,
then realizing your brother
ate all of it.

Missing you is worse
than the lingering burn
on the tongue after a too eager
bite of steaming, buttered cornbread. 

How to Go From Boredom to Philosophy

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.
Secondary labor market, economy, administrations—
Save no room for these words in your head.
Fill your mind with more important musings, not

the secondary labor market, economy, or administrations.
Let the words from the front breeze by your ears while
your mind is filled with more important musings.
Only come because of the guilt.

Let the words from the front sting your ears
while you are busy making grand life plans.
Only come because of the guilt
of skipping the past three classes.

Be busy making grand life plans
none of which involve sitting in this class.
Skip the next three classes so that you can
spend the whole next day contemplating your perfect love life.

Nothing you want in life involves sitting in this class.
You can’t help that you have no more room left in your head
because you spend your days contemplating your perfect love life.
Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

All This and None

I am grey-green eyes looking
straight into you,
softness and fire.

I am an off-center smile scrunching one cheek
in amusement or embarrassment;
lips that hold cutting
sarcasm or a goodbye kiss.

I am grown in Magnolias,
matured in the Lone Star;
the paradox of sunset, constant
but changing.

I am pearls bouncing on the collarbone
going secret speeds
on a crotch rocket,
Michael Bublé in all black and chains.

I am the iris looking at life
through an 18-55 mm lens,
memories like pictures capturing
moments, smiles, emotions.

I am sweet potato casserole, thick black coffee,
clinking iced tea and the middle
biscuit won by a quick hand.

I am a picture of who
I’ll become, a thousand words morphing
into countless pages.

I am all this and none,
more than this ink on blank white,
scrawled down out of half duty
and half inspiration.

I am a question mark in the middle
of the sentence.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Much Thanks to Give

I haven't posted much lately, so to regain my "chatty" status I thought I would write a little about what's going on in my life right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so I started thinking about all the things I have to give thanks for.  I cannot even begin without thanking God for everything he has done in my life.  Every breath is due to his grace.  Without him my life would be totally meaningless.  It really is true that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  He has given me so much.

My family is amazing.  My father always gives the best goodnight hugs.  He has set an example of hard work and dedication in our family.  I love his sense of humor, the way he teases my mom, and everything he has ever done for me.  My mother is an awesome person.  She has always been there to hold me when I cry and make things better.  She tells me when I mess up, but doesn't rub it in my face when I realize she's right (which she always is!).  She teaches me so many things.  She has shared a love of cooking, reading, sewing, and designing. If I turn out to be half the woman she is, I'll be happy.  My sister is probably the strongest person I know.  She's determined and passionate.  We have great times together laughing until we cry and general goofing off.  I can always count on her to tell it like it is.  My brother is so talented.  He can play just about any instrument and he's athletic too.  He and I play silly games and are constantly quoting movies back and forth.  I love my family so very much and couldn't do without them.  It's amazing that they love me and put up with me like they do!

God has blessed me with an awesome boyfriend.  At the point where I thought I would be alone for a while, if not the rest of my life, I met this man.  He is so special to me even in the few weeks we've known each other. We laugh together, have serious discussions, or just sit down and be near each other and it's all amazing.  He treats me like a princess and takes care of me, but also lets me be me.  He is strong, caring, and a leader.  He can be goofy and have me rolling on the floor laughing, or so incredibly sweet that the things he say make me wanna cry because they touch me that much.  Since he has been around, I don't even think about people or situations that have hurt me in the past.  I don't know exactly what will happen in the future, but I do know that I am loving every second of the present.

I'm so very thankful to have great people in my life.  At points in my life, there have been people who have touched me in ways I never thought possible.  Whether those people are still in my life, or have moved on, I'm still thankful for them nonetheless.  There have been people who helped me through rough times, taught me, mentored me, been there to listen or give advice, or simply just be around.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

I am so very glad to be almost done with school.  I have but two weeks left in this semester, and one more semester to complete until I graduate.  5 months and 5 days from now, I will be a Mississippi State Alumnus. I have applied for an internship at a bank here, which might turn into a full-time job.  Hopefully I'll hear whether I get an interview during Christmas break.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm not as worried about finding a job because I have a little bit of direction now.  I know that things will work out.  I've seen evidence of it, and I have a promise that God will work things out for good.  I really believe that in my heart now.  I doubted it for a while, but now I'm sure.

What are you thankful for?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Noche

Lonely nights are not fun. Maybe one day I won't have to hate that time right before I go to bed, when my head is going non-stop and my heart aches.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Super Glue






I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.


I had a super amazing weekend.  We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend.  Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day.  The whole day was pretty fun.  We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game.  Then we beat UH.  Great day.  On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on.  Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house.  One of those "had to been there" kinda things.  Sunday was more laid back.  We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns.  I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time.  Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well.  We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon.  Great time just hanging out and talking with people.  Monday was our San Antonio adventure.  We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza.  It was really great.  I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents.  I miss them so much!  I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life.  I try never to take that for granted.  No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.


After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up.  Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself.  I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it.  I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life.  Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change.  If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well.  I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work.  The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me.  On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.


Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me.  I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me.  What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord?  Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it.  The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company.  It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me.  There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much.  But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person.  I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God.  He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life.  Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse?  "He will give you the desires of your heart."  I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that.  God has most definitely put a dream in my heart.  I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon.  And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack.  Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right.  That's what I'm banking on.  

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dog Bites

If you had a dog that bit you every time you touched it, would you keep petting it? No! That would be dumb.  So why do I do the exact same thing?  How many times does it have to hurt before I quit reaching out? I can predict what will happen.  It's not like I'm ignorant of it, I just disregard it.  I tell myself that I deserve better and don't do it again; I'm through!  And then I turn around and act like a fool again.  How I must look to people.  So foolish and stupid.  Maybe I'll learn one day.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Desperation

There’s a lonely man thinkin’ about a long lost love
The gleam in a young girl’s eye
The content of a man just in from the cold
With a pretty young thing by his side

But he threw it away like a lifetime wasted
Still learnin’ what he ought to know
Once a fresh young buck now he’s down on his luck
And the miles are startin’ to show

So if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

There’s a lonely girl sitting with a chip on her shoulder
Feeling that time’s runnin’ out
The dismay of a woman who never saw it coming
Never knew what it was about

The confusion of a girl who watched as her whole world
Completely unraveled at the seams
Once the toast of the town now it all comes down
To findin’ the man of her dreams

And when the lights go down and you’re all alone
You think you’ll never find love but you don’t wanna go home

But if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night 



By Mickey and the Motorcars

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Life Recently

I really haven't done much writing on here since the semester started.  Not because I don't have time, but I really don't have the energy to sit down and sort out all my thoughts.  I try to stay busy with things that I don't have to think about too much.  But I'm sitting here in the Union, as I always do on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I have a ridiculous break, about three hours to kill.  Most of the time there's someone sitting there with me, but right now they're occupied doing other things across the table from me.  So it's a good a time as any.

School is going well.  Even with 18 hours, the work load isn't unbearable.  I have a feeling this will change when midterms roll around in a couple weeks, but it's nice for now.  I'm taking three elective classes, so that's nice.  One of them I actually like- floral design.  The only thing we've done so far is listen to lectures, but tomorrow I get my first set of flowers and have to make things with them.  Pretty excited.  My Italian class is good too.  There's a lot of learning I have to do on my own.  Basically we're supposed to learn it from the book and just practice in class.  Not my favorite way of doing things, since I learn better audibly, but oh well.

As far as my "love life" or whatever you want to call it, it's non-existent.  Refer to the previous post.  I have a slight crush, but I've decided not to give it much attention or thought.  It would inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.   I don't hang out with friends as much as I did, either.  I miss it.

There's never a shortage of drama in my life.  Whether I create it or it just happens, I'm not sure.  But nevertheless it's there.  I tend to struggle with the same things over and over again.  I think I'm over it, then it comes back and bites me in the butt.  I'm rather tired of it, honestly.  But what can I do?

In other news, I still don't know what to do with my life.  Big surprise, right?  I'm tempted to find a job somewhere, just any good job, and move off somewhere a good way off and start fresh.  Start saving for a few things I'd like to buy.  Try to enjoy being young and single for a while. I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going home this weekend.  I can't wait.  I need family time.  Time where I can be the kid and let my parents worry about stuff instead of me.  OK, so that's probably just a delusion, but it will be nice to be with everyone for a little while.  I miss my parents.  I need a hug.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Can't Sleep for the Rambling in My Head

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the BSU.  We had a good time, but I'm pretty tired.  That being said, I can't sleep because there is too much on my mind.  Lots of randomness floating around up there.  So here goes:

WARNING: Not for small eyes. I'm speaking rather candidly here and my filter is all but gone tonight.  Also, if you're male and get offended really easily, it might be best for you to hit the back button right now.

1) Friday was not so great.  Several people were getting on my nerves.  I was even getting on my nerves.  And sometimes I get in these "I'm pissed off for no good reason" moods.  Other times, I have good reason.

2) I'm so sick of emotions. Can I just live without them for a couple days so that I can have a break?  I'm up and down all the time.  Not cool in the least.

3) The people who hurt you the most are those who are closest to you.

4) Why do people give up when things are hard and circumstances aren't perfect?  If you want to be with someone, why would you let things stand in your way?  There is always a way to make do, to work it out, to compromise until things are better.  Do they give up because it's hard?  Inconvenient? Just don't care enough?

5) If we would stop for just a millisecond and consider how the next word out of our mouth or our next action will effect the person we're around, maybe we would say something different or not act quite the way we would otherwise.  Think about someone other than yourself!  That little inside joke that seems funny to you might really be hurtful to the person you say it to.  If someone had expressly told you not to bring that subject up again, and you do it anyway, how insensitive and uncaring do you have to be to keep on bringing it up?!

6) Sometimes when I talk, I think all that gets through to the person I'm talking to is static.  I talk until I'm blue in the face and I get absolutely no feedback.  Maybe some stupid cop-out or excuse, but nothing of value, nothing sincere. I'm so tired of talking.  When there's a problem, I'd love for that person to come to me to work it out, not the other way around.  I try and try and try to make things work and no one cares. (Fyi, I really wanted to cuss right then. Thank goodness for the backspace key.)  That's it. I can't try anymore.  No one cares, so why should I?

7) Guys are dumb. Seriously. I've had it with the whole gender.  Trying to have a relationship is crap. It doesn't work.  Not for me, at least. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't know, but what I do know is that if I stay away from it, it won't be a problem anymore.  Guys could care less what I think or feel.  They feed me all this utter garbage about me being pretty and special and thinking I'm the greatest.  "There's just something about you."  "You're amazing."  "The way you make me feel is amazing."  If I hear those things one more time, I think I'd barf on his shoes.  You cannot tell me that crap then turn around and do the things you do.  Or don't do.  Inaction is 100x worse than action sometimes.  If he's doing something, at least I know he's trying and that he cares.  If he doesn't do anything, that shows me that he could give a rat's hiney about me or my thoughts or feelings.  Getting mad at him doesn't work either.  I can yell and scream and cuss, and nothing gets through.  The best I get is a shocked face after I use a choice word.  They can't even give me the satisfaction of being mad at them.  Right when I get good and steamed, I get a text message with an apology.  UGH! Couldn't you let me fume for at least 20 minutes?!  And seriously, a freakin text message?  Grow some balls.  I don't know what you male people want from me. I just don't get it.

8) The room feels like it's spinning right now.  Don't know why.  Makes it kinda hard to type, fyi.

9) The people I complain about, who really need to hear what I say on here, never read it.  The things I say don't get through.  If it wasn't a way for me to vent my frustration without imploding, it would be pointless to even say anything about it.  I'm pretty much preaching to the choir.  Or maybe to no one, I really don't know.  Most of what I say on this blog is insignificant anyway.  In fact, most of my pathetic, high school drama filled life is insignificant.  Apart from Christ, I really wouldn't have much worth.

10) I'm sick and tired of all this crap that's cluttering my thoughts and make me want to just stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to deal with it.  I'm so weary, cynical, and jaded right now, it's not even funny.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Beginning and Ending

The end of the summer is always a bittersweet thing for me.  I know I always say that, but it's true.  Having two different lives in two different states is really hard for me.  I hope soon it won't have to be that way.


I wrapped up the summer by spending the weekend at the lake.  I drove up on Friday evening and left Sunday afternoon.  The weekend was great.  I spent some time with friends I hadn't seen in a while.  I also love being out on the boat.  This time we got to ride jet skis.  It was the first time I'd driven jet skis and it was awesome.  I also decided to try my hand (or feet, rather) at wake boarding.  I was super nervous the first time.  And it took me about ten tries to finally get up on the water.  After trying and trying, I started to get discouraged, but the first time I got up on the water, even though I didn't stay up long, the feeling was incredible.  I had accomplished something I didn't think I could do.


Being at the lake allows me to go outside, usually after our Bible study on Saturday night, and think about the things that are going on in my life at the moment.  It's not always fun to process the different problems that are going on, but for me it's necessary. I went to sit down by the water and let the open air and open sky clear my head.  I didn't find any magical answers there, but it felt good just to have room to breathe and let out some stress.


Things I miss about Texas: Family, kolaches, Texas country music, my Sunday school class, open space, low humidity, wide roads, fast speed limits.


I've decided I'm a speed junkie.  There's no feeling close to the one where you're racing along at high speeds. It's exhilarating, thrilling, and takes my breath away.  I love the feeling, and it's the closest I can get to euphoria for now.  Too bad I don't get to experience it very often.  Perhaps someday though.


Wake boarding took a toll on my muscles so the drive back to MS was hard and long.  I'm still sore from doing it, but it was worth it.  It's good to be back in MS and start the school year.  My last year--wow. It's hard to believe.  College has flown by.  I'm not going to start on all the things I'll miss, because I have one more year left to enjoy them to the fullest.  I'll save that blog post for April 30, 2011.    

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Aerial Photographs

Check out these photos.  I never would have thought aerial photography could be this beautiful.  It shows how different our world is, across all the continents.

http://justpaste.it/3ky

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Great Empanada Adventure















I made my first test recipe tonight-Chicken Empanadas. You can find the recipe here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/chicken-empanadas-recipe/index.html

The recipe was easy to follow and make.  It did take a bit of time though, and getting the oil the right temp was a challenge.  They were very tasty though!  This is definitely something I could make if I had a catering business.  Maybe a part of a Mexican or Tapas menu.  Ahhh the possibilities!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Same Sunset


I think I've taken this particular shot about 20 times since I've been home. This is my favorite spot near sunset.  I love the trees becoming a silhouette as the sun goes down. Even though I take this shot a lot, the pictures never come out looking identical.  

I've decided that I'm going to test recipes this coming year.  I've been toying with the idea of owning a catering business somewhere in the future, so this would be a good start.  I even have a handy-dandy notebook. ;)  I'll have to post the ones that are really good.  Or should I keep them secret? Hmmm...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Good and Bad

There are good and bad things about living by yourself.  Good: you can walk around in your underwear.  Bad: there's no one to welcome you home after a long, hard day at work.  Good: you can watch or listen to whatever you want, whenever you want.  Bad: having to constantly have the tv or radio on because the house is too quiet. Good: you can have whatever you'd like for supper.  Bad: cooking and eating alone.  Good: peace and quiet, and not having conflict with another person.  Bad: having to deal with the conflict in your mind.

On another note, a while back I was working on a photography project for my class.  I was trying to get the hang of panning so I was outside taking pictures of the horses.  The dogs were out chasing them (btw, that's a funny sight, little dachshunds chasing Tennessee walkers) so the mare and her filly were running around the pen.  I was standing in the middle snapping shots.  I didn't get the hang of it on that try, but I got some neat pictures anyway.  My mom fell in love with one of them I took.  The colors are all washed out because it was taken with the aperture all the way open and the shutter speed was too slow.  She still thought it was cool and didn't even want me to Photoshop it.  So she tells me the other day that she's ordered this photo to be printed onto a canvas.  I was shocked and flattered too!  My picture printed on canvas? Too cool!

So here's the original photo:
















And here's the canvas version:































I like. :)


Yesterday, I discovered a turtle in our pool. I thought he wasn't alive at first, because usually when you walk outside, they dive underwater and you don't get to see them.  This guy was floating near the top and didn't move until I touched him with the net.  He wasn't that fast of a swimmer, so I was able to catch him and get him out of the pool.  I didn't want to just put him in the yard because the dogs might get him, or he'd wind up right back in the pool.  So I put him in a container and drove out to the pond.  I figured he'd be pretty happy there.







Friday, July 16, 2010

For Sure Not Now and Probably Not Ever...

I can finally put it to rest.  I thought I had months ago, but sometimes we don't realize what we're holding inside until someone comes along and pokes a hole in us.  But after three miserable days, I have an answer.  So that's that. I'll still have to deal with memories, but those will fade in time.  I hope anyway.

An old dream was resurrected, but now that it's dead for good, I can go back to my new dream.  The one that doesn't cause hurt and confusion.  I'm going to get there come hell or high water.  It may take me forever, but I will get there.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

You Mean I Have to Make A Living?!?!

I started a new blog about finding the perfect career and job hunting. Check it out here.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A New Dream




Today I started thinking about where I want to live after college. It's something I've thought about before, but have always been overwhelmed by it, so just stopped thinking about it for now. Today I decided to let my mind wander. I'm reading a book set in South Carolina, near the coast. I guess it inspired me to find out more about that area. I've been to SC before, and it's gorgeous there. I have been wanting lately to live near the coast. I love the beach so much. I know I won't be able to afford beach front property, but just living near it would be amazing. I also want to be in a smaller town or just outside town. So I started looking at different coastal towns in SC. Eventually I started looking at houses and my mind went wild with possibilities. So here's what's shaped in my mind so far:

Picture a small house just off a quiet street. It's a pretty pastel color-maybe light blue or yellow-with white trim. There are flower pots and a rocking chair on the front porch. You can smell salt in the air and know you're close to the coast. Inside the colors are soft but bright. Lots of whites, blues, greens, pinks, and purples. The furniture looks like it has been there for fifty years, and while it doesn't all match, it compliments each other. There are accents from all over the world, and pieces I've collected over the years. Porcelain dolls from Austria, a tea pot from England, lace from Romania, sand in a jar from Florida, cowboy boots by the fireplace, black and white photographs of historic places, and pictures of friends and family. It feels comfortable and lived in. Two dogs nap on the couch. A cat wanders through the living room. The back yard is neat and shady with plenty of space to have a cookout. A hammock provides the perfect place to read or catch a nap. The house reflects all the facets of my personality and fits me perfectly.

I have a job that I enjoy doing. It may not seem exciting and full of drama to some people, but I make a difference and enjoy the work. I find a small-ish church that I love and get involved in. I make it down to the beach several times a week to walk the dogs or enjoy a sunset. I try to talk myself into running or going to a gym every once and a while. I take day trips to nearby historical towns to take pictures. In my spare time I'm working on my house or yard, or editing pictures, reading, or learning how to do something.

I envision a quiet kind of life, somewhat secluded until I establish relationships. I never thought I'd be happy living by myself, but it's becoming more and more desirable. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I would be free to make some decisions for myself, doing what's best for me at the time. It think it would be a time for me to grow a lot and get a good start in "the real world." Hopefully I would spend time growing in my relationship to God, finding lasting relationships with people, especially older women who could mentor me, and developing my character more.

Now, I know very well that all of this will not happen exactly like I want it to. That's why they call it a dream. But it is something I can work towards. I'm excited to finally have some direction now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Commentary and Messages


It's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was time. I always have a myriad of things to say, but when I actually sit down to write, it escapes me. There are so many things through the day that I want to say. My mind is like a running commentary on the world around me and how it effects me. Take lunch today for example. I was in Austin working, and decided to go out to lunch instead of bringing my lunch with me. It breaks up the routine and honestly I was ready to get out of the office for a while. I finally found my way out of the sketchy part of town where I work, and went to a deli. I went inside, ordered food, and sat down at a table. Shortly my food came out and I began to eat. I was in just the right spot to watch people as they walked by, getting food and finding tables. So naturally I added commentary in my head.

I also did something I haven't done in a while. I got my plate, picked up my fork, and thought, "I need to say the blessing." I had already taken a bite. But then I thought, "What if I talk to God as I'm eating? Like I would do if I were eating with a friend." Now before you go thinking I got all spiritual and holier than thou during lunch, I'll clear things up for you. It wasn't earth shattering. The heavens didn't open up right there in Jason's Deli and shine down on me. It was more like a text message conversation between me and God. I shot him a few quick messages, and he even responded. Or, more accurately, I read his response. I had been having a craptastic morning (being Monday and all) and after that, my mood lifted a bit. I didn't skip outside, but I at least had enough peace to finish the day at work. I think it's a good start. Tomorrow I'm going to find another way to have a conversation. Perhaps we'll even progress to a phone call. :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

My Favorite Jeans


I'm trying out a new look for my blog. Not sure if I like it yet or not. Seems a little hard to read. Feedback?

I'm back in Mississippi right now. It always feels good to come back here. It's like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. It's comfortable and familiar. They're soft and worn-in, fitting perfectly in every way. I don't always wear my favorite pair of jeans, but I'll never throw them away. I'll pull them out every once and a while and remember all the memories that were made while wearing them.

Every time I think about it, It's like the realization hits me anew each time--I'm a senior. This is my last year of being a college student. Wow. I'm sad, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time. I know I'll be ready to move onto the next thing by next year, but for now I'm going to enjoy what's left.

This week was so tiring. I was almost to the point of burnout by the time it had ended. I worked every day but today, and helped at VBS at night. So there were a couple days I left at 7 and didn't get back home til 10 that night. That makes for a terribly long day. I don't when I have been so exhausted. One day at work I fell asleep at the computer! Not good. It didn't help that I kept finding unfriendlies (in the form of scorpions) in my room. Now, not much bothers me or freaks me out. Not snakes, bugs, rats, and even most spiders. But scorpions are a different things altogether. They are creeptastic. Ick. I wasn't so much of a chicken as not to fix the problem when it presented itself, but what I really wanted to do was stand on my chair and yell for my dad to come and kill it for me. I think he wouldn't have like that very much, because it was late at night, so I cowgirl-upped. Didn't have to like it though. So there were several things that made this week long. But I'm finally to the weekend and back in Mississippi.

Sunday starts the beginning of a grand adventure with my awesome friend/roomie! :) I'm so very excited for her to come and visit me in Texas. I plan on showing her some of the flavors of the area we live in and some Texas culture in general. Aside from that, we have girl-talk to catch up on. I've missed her, my sister, my other roomie, and all my amazing friends soooooo much already this summer. I depend on them to be there for me, and they always are. I love y'all so much.

I'd like you to keep someone in your prayers, as he is in mine. A very good friend is spending his summer in Peru, and could use prayers for his health, patience, guidance, and for him to be open for God to use him this summer. Whether he reaches one or one hundred, it will be all for God's glory.

Here's some MSU news for you: my brother will now be joining ranks as an official Bulldog this fall! I'm so happy he's decided to come here. Also, cowbells have been legalized in the stadium again. What an amazing year this is going to be!!!

But for now, let's enjoy what's left of summer. It may have its downs, but when else can you find that deeply warm feeling of the sun on your face, playing in the water wherever you can find it, riding with the windows down blaring the newest summer tune, lazy evenings grilling with the family, and late night talks in the humid air under the stars. All these things are priceless to me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Redeeming Love


Last night I finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, you need to. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, 20 or 80. You need to read it. This is not your normal Christian fiction book. I wouldn't call it a pleasure read either, because as I was reading this book, I was convicted, and I cried. If you don't know anything about the book, I won't give anything away, but I'll tell you it's a story like that of Hosea in the Bible. I identified with Angel more than I would like to admit. I found in her my own weaknesses and vices, fears and doubts. I began to love Michael as she did, and have raised my standards quite a bit because of it. I don't know if there are guys like Michael in existence today, outside of fiction, but I've decided to wait and see. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes. Unconditional love has been something that I've known about, but never really seen an example that touched me like this book. It's amazing to me that every time we go back to our old, reckless, dirty ways, God comes to get us and waits for us to come back into His arms. I found a way back to God and to the forgiveness he offers freely if we only ask. I don't want to wander from Him again. I probably will, because I'm human, but knowing that He'll always be there with me is a feeling I can't describe. He loves me. Really loves me.

It struck me that there are two kind of loves. There's the love that you think is the real thing. You feel amazing when they are near you. You dismiss their faults, ignoring them when they come up and only looking at the good things. It's a love of convenience. You cling to them like they are the only thing that can give you happiness and worth. You would do anything to be with them, even things that aren't right. But in your mind, it's justified because you "love" them. When they leave, the hurt you feel is indescribable. It feels like your heart is sinking inside your body. You know you shouldn't feel like that but can't help it.

The other love is different. You still feel amazing when they're around. But that person isn't you sole source of happiness and worth. They add to it substantially, but both of you know that only God makes you whole and gives you worth. This is a love that lasts a lifetime, not just for a season. I don't know everything about this love, because I've never experienced it, but it is my goal.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Full Swing

Summer has gotten started. It's been good so far. I've worked a lot, which is both exciting and tiring. I'm not used to getting up so early, especially on the mornings when I have to be in Austin at 8:30. It's quite a commute. I don't mind it so much. It's time I get to think, listen to music, or listen to an audio book. At my internship at the Red Cross, I'm learning all that's involved in running a non profit organization. It's not just the front lines stuff that people see. There's a ton of stuff that goes on day-to-day that makes the first response in a disaster possible. I think I'm heading in the right direction as far as a career. I could get into this. While a good bit of it may be office work, there's new challenges every day. I doubt you'd encounter two days exactly alike.

My other job, the one that pays, is filling in at the vet clinic in town. We're good friends with the receptionist and the vet. It's been neat working there too, because in addition to the money, I get to talk to Doc. He's a very interesting man. He's super intelligent, and we have actual deep conversations. They're about random topics too. He likes to pick my brain, as he calls it.

I've been adding to my calendar steadily, but it's mostly work related. I'm not getting to go to concerts like I had hoped. I'm not sure why I bothered to look them all up and get excited about going. Surely I knew deep down that there wouldn't be anyone to go with me. I have successfully alienated, one way or another, anyone who I used to hang out with in Texas. One relationship shouldn't have even started, and it fell to pieces around me. I'm reeling with the consequences of that. The other, I'm not sure what happened. I guess I pissed them off. I honestly was a butt about some things and attempted to apologize in person and not on the internet, but wasn't given the time of day. I don't know what to do now. Nothing I guess. Obviously they want to be left alone. I guess all of that to say that I'm starting to feel a little lonely.

I'm excited about my roomie coming to see me though. She has never been to my house out here and I know we'll have an awesome week together. I need her friendship so badly! I don't know what I'd do without her. If only my other roomie could come, the week would be complete. I miss her too!

I've been all teary this evening. Not sure why exactly. Maybe I need a good cry. I'm getting that achy wanting in my chest again. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I probably couldn't explain it.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Venting

Why do we feel the need to vent to other people? Especially via social networking? When you've got a problem with someone or something, isn't there the tendency to update your status, tweet, or write a blog post about it? Even if you don't act on the impulse, surely it's there. Or maybe perhaps I'm generalizing. I know I have those tendencies. Just tonight, I was on Facebook (as usual) and I came across some things that aggravated issues that I've been dealing with. My first inclination was to update my status with some vague statement or song lyrics that I hoped one person in particular would read. Why would I do that? It seems absurd. I should be able to just tell that person what I think, but I don't often possess that ability.

I can usually express myself in writing, which is the main reason I have this blog. It's somewhere to let my thoughts loose. Some of those thoughts should be kept to myself I think. I sometimes forget that I'm not sending these posts out into thin air, but before the eyes of people, perhaps even people close to me. I should be careful what I say.

I had hoped when I started this blog, a little less than two years ago, that it wouldn't turn into a place where all I did was complain. Seems like lately that's what it's become. I'm going to work on that this summer. I want this to be a place where you might find encouragement, information, advice, or perhaps just someone you can relate to.

It seems that things get to me way to easily. Just seeing a name or picture can conjure up memories that I'd sooner forget than dwell on. Sometimes those memories aren't bad, but they're a reminder of things I've lost, people who have forgotten me, or things I've messed up. Not easy reminders at all.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Outside My Window


All is right in my world at the moment. I'm sitting on the deck of the condo we rented in Pensacola, Fl, drinking a Frappuccino and watching the sunset. The picture above is what I'm looking at right this moment. Just factor in the sound of the waves and the salty breeze coming off the water. My dad is grilling hamburgers on the deck too. Smells heavenly. It's going to be a great week with my family leading up to me little brother graduating. I can hardly believe he's old enough to graduate and go to college this year. I'm hoping we get to hang out a good bit this summer before he goes off and forgets about his big sis. He's pretty cool most of the time. We went for a walk on the beach last night. It was fun just goofing off and talking. He thought it was entertaining watching me avoid the ghost crabs. Those things kinda creep me out. They look like spiders.

Things I love about the beach:
The smell of the air- It's salty and humid.
The sound of the waves- The gentle roar is a constant reminder of where you are.
Sand- As much as I don't like it all in my bathingsuit, I do like it under my feet. And I love that it's pure white.
Relaxing atmosphere- When I'm at the beach, I'm almost never in a hurry. Life is better when it's slowed down a notch every now and then.
Great pictures- Hopefully, I'll get a chance to take some great pictures while we're here.
Great food- Grilled food, seafood, desserts, and popcicles are some of the great food we have at the beach.
Time to think- Usually this is a good thing. Sometimes not at first, but after I take the time to work through all my thoughts and feelings, I always feel a great deal better.
Time to write- As I'm doing now, I try to take time to write while I'm here. Life gets busy and I don't have too much time during the school year.
Possible para-sailing?- Maybe... :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Because I Love Her

Please check this out. It's from a friend of mine's blog. It's a great reminder for us.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Starkville minus Classes!

I finished finals last Wednesday, but didn't go home right away because I'm going to the beach with my family on Sunday, and it would be pointless to drive to Texas, only to turn around a week later and go to Florida. My two best friends moved in with us last week too, so we spend the week getting things settled. And probably the best reason was to relax and de-stress from the semester. It has been really great.

The end of the semester is really bittersweet. It's sad seeing all my friends going in different directions for the next three months. Some are headed to internships all over the country, others are headed home, and some are headed to different countries. It's exciting because of the opportunities and I know we'll all meet back up in Starkville once the summer is over. So good luck to all of you and vaya con Dios!

I'm excited about spending a week at the beach with my family. My brother is graduating from high school on the fifteenth, so we're going to spend a week together celebrating that and my mom's retirement. No more chirens to teach. I love the beach and I love my family, so it will be an amazing week!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Finally

Finals week is here and all the stress and frustration that accompany it. Yesterday and today were pretty crazy. Amidst studying for finals, we were moving in two new roommates. Exciting to have new roommates, but moving is always a pain. It's much better now that they are semi settled. Tonight is the first night with all of us in the house. This is going to be a good thing.

Not unusual for me, I was disappointed again tonight. This seems to be a recurring theme with the summer coming up... I got news that the lake trip that we take with the college and career class at church is canceled. I really look forward to this trip every summer. It usually winds up being the highlight of my summer. This year will be different. A few people in the group decided to have a third lake trip in September (which I can't go to because I'll be at school). This was originally in addition to the June and August trips. Well, from what little I've heard, a couple of people decided it would be too expensive and canned the June trip. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure this was the decision of like, two people. I don't guess the rest of us matter enough to contribute to decisions like that.

This Sunday school class has meant the world to me the past few years. I have loved the fellowship and the teaching that I've received from it. But in the last year, things have started to change dramatically. I don't feel so much a part of it anymore. I know I live away during the semester, but for the past three summers I've been there. I come every time I can. It seems like other people have replaced me now, and I resent it. I know it's not really like that, and that's a petty way to look at it, but that's the way it feels. I'm loosing yet another place where I felt like I belonged. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

I feel like I've totally lost my place in the church. When I'm at school, I go to the service on Sunday mornings, but I don't feel like it's my church home. I don't feel like I can get too involved because I'll be gone in a year. When I'm back in Texas, it doesn't feel like that's my church home either because though I know people there, they could care less that I've been gone, or that I'm back. I used to think that the college and career class was my place, but even they don't care so much anymore. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I hate that I have these feelings of resentment and bitterness. I'm downright angry at times. Sometimes I don't even know why. Everything's out of place and I hate it. Everything and everyone I lean on either falls to pieces or disappears. I get my hopes up and am constantly let down. I hope for a sign that someone wants me and it never comes. I look for a place to be wanted and there's nowhere for me. The very time when I need it most, no one's around. Sometimes it even feels like God's not listening to me. Why should he after all I've said and done? I know the churchy answer to this, but that's just not cutting it right now. Those things come across at trite and almost condescending.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Guy's Guide to Girls: Part One

Ok guys, y'all are always talking about how girls are so complicated and how you don't understand us. Maybe this will help. Here are a few helpful hints from the female world. Take it to heart, then USE IT. Girls, feel free to comment and add more. Thanks to my anonymous girl friends who contributed to this post.

If hanging out is to be done, it will not be suggested by me. You must act like you want to see me.

If I'm giving one-word answers it means one of three things: 1) I'm busy and really don't want to talk right now, 2) I don't know what to say, 3) I'm mad at you. Fix it.

We want to know that you think about us. It takes something as simple as "I miss you" or "You've been on my mind today" or "I can't wait to see you."

Nothing hurts more than being cheated or forgotten. Avoid at all costs.

Don't think you can fix everything. The dryer or car? Yes. My issues? Probably not. I need support, space, and time.

I understand you're busy and so am I, but when you can spend all day procrastinating homework, you can spend a little bit of time with me. You make time for the things you care about. When you don't make time for me, I feel like you don't care about me.

Don't talk much about exes. Yours or mine. The past should stay right where it is-in the past.

If you want to talk to me, text or call. Don't expect me to initiate all the time.

Having long, drawn out conversations over text is OBNOXIOUS.

We have no idea what you're thinking. We are always wondering what you're thinking. Make it easy and tell us if we ask.

Do not say things that you don't mean. Even though you think we want to hear it, later when we find out it wasn't true, we'll never forget it. Tell me the truth.

If you like me, be a man and tell me so.

Don't lie. We WILL find out.

Don't diss our friends or family. Not cool.

Unless you tell us specifically not to tell our best friend, we probably will. We talk about everything to those closest to us. It's how we operate.

Actually listen when we talk. If you keep asking the same questions over and over again, we will get annoyed.

It's ok to act like you like me if we're dating. It won't kill you to hold my hand. I won't protest.

You will make my day if you send me a good morning message.

When I say I don't want to talk about something, I probably mean it. Don't push the issue.

When I do want to talk about it, I'll probably mutter something then say "I don't know..."

When you ask me if I'm ok, and I say "I'm fine," I am not fine. Pretty much anything other than good (accompanied with a smile), great, fabulous, or spectacular means I'm not fine.

My heart melts when I hear you talk about your relationship with God or hear you pray. Definitely do that. Frequently.

Tell me, with words, out loud, that I'm special to you and that you care about me.

You-messed-up Flowers: good. Just-because Flowers: even better.

A hug never hurt anybody.

It's ok for you to ask me questions.

Chivalry is never dead in a girl's mind. Opening doors and holding out chairs gets you bonus points.

Treat me like a lady.

Though I may be a girl, I'm not as fragile as you think.

Don't badger me into doing something I don't want to do.

Even if we "hang out," a real date would be nice.

Don't get mad at me for things that you do all the time.

I'm willing to play sports, watch action movies, and do other things you like to do. Do something I like to do once and a while without me having to pull your leg or guilt you into it.

If I'm trying to do something, don't automatically swoop in and do it for me. I can do things for myself. If I ask for help, that's a different story.

A girl loves to hear that she's beautiful every once in a while.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Apathy

Being apathetic is a pathetic way to be, according to Relient K. But that's where I find myself tonight. I suppose it's a product of the end of the semester and summer-itis. I'm tired of dealing with stuff.

After exams next week, I'll spend the following week doing stuff around the house getting ready for my roomies to movie in. Then I'm headed to the sunshine state for a week. I can't wait. It'll be good time with family, and time to myself. I can detox from the baggage I've been carrying around and maybe get some clarity and peace. Then I'll be ready for a summer. A good summer. I wanna work and travel some this summer. We'll see what opportunities open up.

I bought a Love and Theft album the other day. One $8 on iTunes. It's really good. It's country, but not honky tonk country. It's also got Christian themes in it. Good stuff. Check out this song.

I finished two projects today after tracking tornadoes that were everywhere this morning. Kinda scary, but I didn't freak out like I normally do. Probably because 1) I couldn't hear the sirens, 2) I had my weather friends checking up on me and giving me info and 3) I was able to know where the tornadoes were from the internet and tv. So it was kinda exciting.

Only three finals separating me from summer. Yee haw.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Unsettled

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
But I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
"Near to You"- A Fine Frenzy

Still bummed about summer plans falling through. I've been in a weird mood today. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. Still reeling over past hurts. Not sure what to do about that except try to forget.

On one hand, I want someone. Terribly. On the other, I don't want anyone. Because if I don't "have" anyone, I won't have to worry about getting hurt or hurting someone else. And I can do my own thing. But that's neither here nor there.

No Emo

I haven't gone off my rocker and gotten all emo and clinically depressed. It was a bad week is all. When things don't pan out, even the best of us can get upset. The weekend was good, so that helped me get over things. Three more days and I'm done with class, then three exams and I'm home free for the summer.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Rejected

I heard back from the Nicaragua trip. I wasn't selected. I had my hopes up that I would get picked to go. I didn't really entertain the thought that I wouldn't get to. I almost wish I had doubted that more because when I got news today, it was a hard letdown. At least I heard it from a friend first. That made it a little better because he tried to make me feel better about it. I could go down there for a week just to visit, see some sights, and get acquainted with the culture. I might do that, I don't know yet.

It's really hard to be rejected like that. It's happened to me a few times before. Whether it be rejection from a job or position, or from a person, it's really hard for me to deal with that. To know that you and your qualities and qualifications were lined up next to other people's and you weren't good enough is really hard to take. I strive to do the best I can, and end up not making the cut. It makes me not want to try anymore. Not just with stuff like the Nicaragua thing, but with relationships as well. I've been rejected and that's not something I can bounce back from easily. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do. It seems like everything I set my heart to completely comes undone. Everything I strive so hard for and want so badly slips through my fingers.

I can sense feelings rising that plagued me last semester. I cannot afford to go back to that again. But right now I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a long time. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them. I want to shut down.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

No Time!

I've been meaning to post for a while. But I don't have much time, so here's the short version.

I got Photoshop! Exciting! I'm still loving my photography class. We're doing portraits next week. Kind of a challenge.

I am a drama queen. I don't like that. I shall seek to change that. Yuck. Also, 95% of my drama is boy-related.

I've been working out. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but it's a means to an end. That end being a little black swimsuit that came in the mail the other day. Also, looking fabulous all around. ha ha.

One full week of classes left. Wow. The semester has been pretty great, but kinda short.

I have the summer bug. I'm so ready.

I haven't heard if I'm going to Nicaragua yet or not. I'm getting nervous/impatient. I'm supposed to hear sometime this week.

That's all I have time for. I'm off to study astronomy. Yay. (That was an un-enthusiastic yay, btw.)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Just Don't Want Coffee

This song pretty much describes how I've been feeling as of late.

Just Don't Want Coffee
by Caedmon's Call

Though I am small I've seen things far beyond these city walls
The land is flat and it rolls for miles
I don't know much I know I've many places yet to see
I know I've been here for a while
Wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I'm back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I've no ideas of what to do
'Cause something's changed today
And what it is I just can't say
And if I don't seem okay, well I'm okay

(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don't want coffee tonight
Back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
Now we've been friends since we were young
But all our conversations are hitting walls we can't ignore
We can hide but we can't run
And I can't run from you
Or what we've run into
Now regardless what I choose, we both lose
(repeat chorus)

It must be getting late
Where's my head
Where is my head
Where is my head
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I've made
Funny that's what I've been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can't change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I'd explain to you what you could never understand
And how I'd keep my mind from you
But that's the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today's another day and it's okay

(repeat chorus)

I think I need some rest
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Figgity

I can't seem to sit still this afternoon. Since it's Easter Sunday and the family is here, we decided to take a break and use today to rest. Yesterday we worked around the house doing various jobs and projects. Today after going to church and cooking a delicious dinner, we sat in the living room and talked and watched tv. I almost fell asleep several times (surprise, surprise) but never quite got there. Now I'm figgity and can't sit still. I looked for the book I'm in the middle of reading, but can't find it anywhere. It's probably hiding from me with my iPod. In the process of searching my shelves for the lost literature, I came across a notebook that I used to write in over the summer and last fall. I perused the pages reading thoughts from the past. Not sure that's always a wise thing to do, but I did it nevertheless. It did not, however, cure my figgiting. Possibly added to it.

My mom brought me an audio book. It's called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. She's not my most favoritest person ever, but my mom said this was definitely worth listening to. So I'll let you know how that goes.

M*A*S*H is quite a good tv show. I like watching reruns on Hallmark.

I'm bored, yet don't have much to say. At least not that I wish to say on here.

Adios.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

In Song

I've tried for the last little bit to find a song that perfectly fits my mood/situation perfectly, but I can't seem to find one that's just right. Maybe it's a combination of a few songs. Perhaps I'll try to find the right combination.

Here's some song lyrics that seem to fit right now:

Guinevere- Eli Young Band
She carries memories around like souveniers down in her pockets
Should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
For as much as she's stumbled, she's runnin'
For as much as she runs, she's still here
Always hopin' to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Nobody's Baby- Reckless Kelly
You've always been a little scared to open your heart
And you never let anybody take it too far
You never let 'em on the inside
'Cause you're always scared of gettin' taken for a ride

You're nobody's baby
You're nobody's darlin'
You're nobody's girl

Everybody wants you but you don't wanna care
So you keep 'em at a distance with the frown you wear
Spend your time tryin' to even the score
And you've got it in your head you deserve a lot more

Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't
It's so complicated

Mi Vida Loca- Pam Tillis
If you're comin' with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two weels
It's a never ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi vida loca, over and over
Destiny turn on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Free to Be Me- Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Chicken and Biscuits


A few lyrics:

Lord have mercy here she comes
Behind the wheel of a pickup truck
Mud slingin'
She's singin'
Country girl just doin her thing and
Ain't nothin like a backwoods baby
Drive my tractor, drive me crazy
Likes huntin'
Loves fishin'
And she can hold her own in the kitchen
And by the way boys, did I mention

She's pretty as a field of daisies
She's sweeter than watermelon wine
Way hotter than the Alabama asphalt
And when I get her in these arms of mine
Lord have mercy, I love her kisses
Man, I cant get enough
Kinda like chicken and biscuits

She can rock them high heel shoes
But she'd rather wear cowboy boots
Cut off jeans and a baseball hat
City girls can't do it like that
Sunday mornin' rolls around
In the choir is where she's found

Chicken and Biscuits- Colt Ford

That song makes me smile. I'm going through a country phase. I miss being home around the horses and cows. I miss riding horses, and back roads, and Texas country on the radio.

I was looking at bikes today. I want to own one eventually, but I should probably start with learning how to ride. Hopefully I can do that this summer.

This summer, I pretty much want to do everything I can't do in Starkville. Ride horses and bikes, learn to shoot better, and maybe a little fishing. I haven't done that in forever.

The weekend was good because I got to rest some. It meant missing out on some socializing, but it was worth it to preserve the little sanity I have left. Yeah, I know. It's not much.

I'm fed up with drama, once again. Mine and other people's. Life should be simple. Thoughts and feelings should translate easily to other people and there shouldn't be any discrepancy between what people want. Sadly, it's not that way. It's neither simple nor easy. Sigh.

That's all for tonight.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Rethinking

I keep meaning to post the few things that I've been thinking about lately, but haven't gotten a chance to sit down and organize all my thoughts. This is as good a time as any, so even if it's not totally organized, I'm going to get it down before I forget. You are most likely used to my randomness and disconjointed thoughts if you know me much at all or have been following my blog for any period of time. So here goes.

On the way home from spring break, I borrowed an audio recording of C. S. Lewis reading his book The Four Loves. It took a little over two hours to listen to, but seeing as I was on an 11 hour drive, it was a welcome distraction. In those two hours, I listened to the common sense approach that is typical of Lewis as he explained the differences and nuances of the four different types of love: storge, which Lewis defines as affection; philia, friendship; eros, romantic love; and agape, charity or unconditional love. I think people, including me, very often confuse the different types of love, never acknowledging that there are different loves and lumping them into one big catagory. I think it causes problems because the loves are so different and require different thoughts, feelings, and actions to accompany them. I definitely recommend you listen or read this book. I plan on listening to it again and making notes to post on here. It challenged some notions I had and I'd like to share that.

Two words I never thought I'd put together: country rapper. Check it out here.

And I forgot pretty much everything else I was going to talk about. Perhaps topics for another post.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Breaking


Spring break got off to a great start. I spent the weekend at the beach with friends. It was crazy windy the two days we were there, but it's the beach, it was still great. We watched the sunset and sunrise one day. That was pretty spectacular. Very good times indeed.

I can always think of lots of topics to cover when I'm not actually sitting at the computer. I need a more convenient way to keep up with my thoughts. I'm going to post random thoughts anyway.

I could definitely see myself living in Florida after college. It would be awesome to have a place not far from the beach (because I could never afford waterfront property). I could go to the beach almost every day to watch the sunset. I could ride my bike (when I get enough money to buy one) down the coastal roads. Working down there would be great. Hmm. Maybe I'll tuck that dream away for a while and see what comes.

I was in the kitchen tonight helping/watching my mom cook supper. Before long, my sister came to join us. I love the times we have together cooking and whatnot in the kitchen. We're all relaxed and talk about many different things. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes we're cracking up. The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for good food and great conversation. We should do that more often.

I feel that free spirited mood coming to the surface. Not rebellion really, because I'm not rebelling against anyone or anything, but rather it's an independence and determination. It's hard to explain. I kinda get an attitude, a tough girl attitude. I'm not sure it's such a good thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure what it's stemming from either. We'll see though. I am dying my hair red tomorrow...well, highlights anyway.

It bothers me when I can't understand people's motives. I don't profess to be good at reading people, but I generally have an idea where people fit into my life. I don't like it when I can figure that out.

My time management skills have been sorely lacking as of late. I need to work on that. Prioritize a little bit better. Perhaps the break will help get things back in focus.

And now it's bedtime. G'night all.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sunny Days

This week has been great, despite the fact it rained several days and that I had lots to do. Monday was absolutely gorgeous and I spent all afternoon outside. It was amazing. I like cold weather, but I'm ready for springtime and sunshine, flip-flops and shorts. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spring break officially started for me at 3:50 p.m. today. I'm going to spend several days at the beach with some of my closest friends. It's going to be awesome. Then next week I get to go home and be with my family. All of us under one roof! That hasn't happened since Christmas. Sometimes growing up is good, but other times not so fun, as in this case. But next week will be great. I really need a break. I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks on end. I want to do nothing but relax on the beach and soak in the sun. And maybe talk to people too. :)

I finally got my act together last weekend and got things settled. Instead of being worried and scared about things, I'm excited to see where this new relationship goes. It's great so far. There will be some trials during the summer due to distance, but we'll handle that when we get to it. Right now It's all good. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Internal Disagreement

My heart says one thing, my head another. Why can they not agree? Which one should I listen to? One is right, one is wrong--but which one is it?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Doubts and Fears

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.