Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Under My Skin

I'm the kind of person where little things that people do get to me.  In a good way, most of the time.  When I least expect it, someone will say or do something that makes me feel so good.  I'm sure they don't know how much it means, but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed.  You have no idea how much an email, text, or phone call can mean.  Just a few minutes of your time is enough to change someone's day.  Today I had a craptastic day.  Every little thing was going wrong, and I was convinced it would just get worse.  There are so many things on my mind at the moment that it's easy to get lost in all that.  But all that seemed to get better in a matter of minutes, thanks to a friend.  It wasn't anything big, just a simple conversation.  Nothing earth shattering, just catching up.  It made me smile.  Seems like I'm not doing enough of that these days. Sometimes tears outweigh the smiles.  But that, my friend, is how life goes.  I'm convinced things will improve, and soon I'll be back to smiling more than crying.

I went to the worship service for the campus ministery tonight.  It's good to be able to go this semester, because I thought I would be forced to miss it because of a class.  Thankfully, the professor lets us out early.  Oddly enough, I feel a little uncomfortable in worship at the moment.  I feel like a child who has been scolded and now stands in front of her Father.  I feel bad standing and singing the lyrics to a praise song, hypocritical almost, when inside I am still wrestling and arguing with God.  But I need so much to be there standing among friends and siblings in Christ.  I feel a strength from being with them, a strength I so desperately need.  Sometimes it feels like I will never find my place again and be back to where I want and need to be.  But I know that I will get there.  A relationship is always full of ups and downs, and this is just a down.  There's really nowhere left to go but up.  There's some hope in that, at least.     

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

On My Mind

I've got some time to kill on campus, so I thought I'd write a few things that have been on my mind lately.

For starters, I had a great Labor Day weekend.  I flew home Friday afternoon, and my mom and I went to a movie together after she picked me up from the airport.  We watched Julie & Julia.  I liked it a lot.  Might even be one I'd buy later.  Saturday, I had lunch with my mom while my brother was at a guitar lesson.  That was good, if not a little emotional.  But we're girls, so that's to be expected.  That night we all went out for pizza and rented a movie.  I enjoyed what little time I got to just hanging out.  Seems like there is never enough time in a weekend. 

Sunday was my day to hang out with friends. I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed my Sunday school class.  We also went out to eat at the Mexican restaurant, which is sort of a class ritual or tradition.  I miss it so much!  That evening, we all went out to the property to ride horses and jus hang out.  I must have ridden for close to two hours!  I'm not used to that much time in the saddle and neither was my rear.  It was great tho.  I miss riding horses.  I've also missed hanging out with my friends there.  I think they should just move to Mississippi...  Just kidding.  I can only imagine the comments I'd get if I told them that.  I really didn't want to leave that night, those few hours just weren't enough, but I had to drive home on Monday, so thanks to Chica watching my back, I made it home at a decent hour.  What I want and reason do not always see eye to eye.  So I'm thankful for people looking out for me.

The drive home was long, but not bad.  Spent some time riding with the windows down and singing along with the music.  And my puppy dogs were happy to see me when I got home.

I went to BSU last night and it seemed as if the speaker had me in mind when he started speaking.  Everything he said hit me in the heart.  It wasn't necessarily plesant, but it was important for me to hear and acknowledge.  The message was about humility, Spiritual Humility.  I definitely need a dose of that.  I say and do good things, and everyone thinks that I'm a good Christian girl.  Truth is that I sin, all the time.  I try to keep my sins hidden so people will think I'm a good Christian.  I compare myself to others around me and justify the things I do wrong by saying "at least I'm not as bad as they are; the things I've done are not as bad as what they do."  How arrogant of me!  I was reminded of a conversation I had over the weekend, and I can remember clearly thinking, "Nothing I did was that bad. I could have done a lot worse, but I didn't.  So there's no reason for me to feel bad."  As a friend of mine would say, "false."  I could not be more wrong.  That is a prime example of Spiritual Pride.  Truth is that I sinned, and need to confess and ask forgiveness.  I struggle with my nature so many times, but just because it is a struggle doesn't make it permissable to give in.  I'm not saying any of this is easy, much the opposite.  It's taken me a while to settle some things, and it's going to take longer still.  Things like this can't be settled overnight.  I can't change the past, but I can make sure I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.  That's the best I can do.

A song that we sang last night had these words in it: "At the cross you beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."  This is a good song, and I understand the point of the lyrics, but I disagree.  Christ does not draw us gently to our knees every time.  He will do whatever necessary to bring us to our knees, and sometimes that is nowhere near gentle.  And there isn't anything sweet about being broken.  It hurts.  It is painful.  It's not something you enjoy or with would happen more often.  I understand that the songwriter was trying to convey that it is a good thing to be broken and on your knees, but the process is painful.  Only when you get past that point and back where you should be does the sweetness and gentleness come in.  I'm not at that point yet, but I can only hope it comes soon.