Uphill

I was embarrassed by one of my professors today. It was not too much fun. It really upset me, and I really hope he doesn't do it again. Being embarrassed like that kinda made my day go from not-the-greatest to worse. But after going to my last class of the day, a class where my professor is awesome and doesn't make people feel like idiots, I was in a somewhat better mood.

My photography class is going really well. It's my favorite class. I've always loved taking pictures and now I'm learning the skills to take much better ones. I think I have finally found my niche, my "thing." I have to say that makes me really happy, because for so long I've felt like there really wasn't that thing about me that made me stand out. My brother is amazingly talented with music and fencing. My sister has an awesome ability to accomplish so much, and she's athletic and talented with animals. I didn't really have that one thing that I did well. I think maybe photography can be that thing.

So, my mood improved much more after attending my first photography club meeting. I didn't know anyone there, besides my professor, so it was a tad awkward at first, but when we went out shooting, it was pretty great. I got some tips on how to shoot outside at night. The results of my little excursion are posted on Facebook if you're interested.

After shooting until my fingers were numb from the cold, I got a message to join my friends at Subway. Then we all went to "The Abacus," as it's called, to watch the end of the MSU vs. Arkansas basketball game. We didn't win, but hanging out with my friends is always awesome. They're pretty cool people. I almost never want to go home, but sadly, some people have classes on Friday (but not me! ;)

Me!

This is me.  I'm not apologizing anymore for the way I am.  It's my personality, my characteristics, my likes and dislikes, and my quirks.  I like me.  If you don't, that's ok too. Take it or leave it.  I'm fine with you disagreeing, but don't expect me to change just because I don't agree with you.  So many times I try to change myself just to suit other people, but it never works.  The people who love exactly how I am are the people who belong in my life. 

I'm short.  I like being short.  It's never an issue for me, though it seems to bother other people sometimes.  I can wear fabulously high heels.  I love shoes.  All kinds, but especially heels.  Three inches plus, please.  I'm blond with red highlights.  Forget all the stereotypes about blonds.  I don't fit those.  Ok, so I have blond moments, but everyone does, no matter what color your hair is.  I love the red in my hair.  It gives it depth and spunk and personality.  I have hazel eyes that sometimes change depending on what I'm wearing.  I love when they're blueish green and bright green.  My favorite things about my appearance are my eyes, my hair (some days), and my legs.  Random, I know.  I also like randomness and the variety it adds to my life.

I'm part southern belle, part rock and roll, and lots country.  I grew up in a place that was 15 minutes from a loaf of bread, as my dad would say.  A fur piece from town.  I loved it and someday I hope to go back to living that way.  For now, I get as close as I can to that.  Being outside and hearing only sounds that belong to nature is pretty much the most amazing thing ever.  You can't beat it.  I love walking out my door at night and being able to see a multitude of stars shining so bright.  Every sunset I see never fails to amazes me.  I love to appreciate what God has made. 

I'm pretty much a walking contradiction.  I like to dress up, but I like to get dirty too.  I'm quiet and shy, but also crazy and loud.  I'm really sweet, but also really sarcastic.  I like plays, orchestras, and museums, but also guns, fireworks, and 4-wheelers.  I can be the happiest person in the room, or the moodiest.  I have an immense capacity for compassion, but can also shut down and pull away from people.

I love to read Christian fiction and classics.  Fiction is my favorite though.  I like books that grab your attention and force you to stay up until 3am if you have to in order to find out what happens at the end.  I like books where the characters face problems similar to mine, and come out better for it in the end. I've loved to read since I was little.  My mother taught me to read and instilled in me a love for books that stems from her own.  I hope to teach my children to read and give them that same devotion to reading.

I have singular focus when it comes to something I'm invested in.  I go at it with everything I've got.  This applies to relationships, hobbies, or goals.  Some people would say this is good, some bad, and some indifferent.  I'm indifferent I guess.  It's good sometimes, not so good others, but it's how I am.  I have incredible passion and can't give anything less.  This intensity and commitment will pay off someday.  Of that I'm sure.

I have several quirks or pet-peeves.  I can't stand for the egg carton in the refrigerator to be unbalanced.  I don't take from just one side, I take equally from both sides.  Or equally from the center.  Also, I can't stand for the toilet paper to unroll from the bottom.  I like when people bounce their leg.  It's soothing, I think because my dad does that a lot.  I do it too.  Motion puts me to sleep.  I cannot, absolutely cannot stand when people mispronounce the word "figure."  They say "figger."  No.  It's "figUre."  Also "nuclear" as "nucular."  Wrong.  Learn how to speak, please.

People think I'm a quiet, shy good little girl when they first meet me.  While I guess that's true sometimes, it's not a complete picture of me.  I can be a little firecracker when I choose to be.

There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life.  I want to get my private pilot's license.  I want to learn to ride a dirt bike, then a motorcycle, and eventually own one.  Not a Harley or anything, but a sport bike.  Like the Honda CBR6000.  I want to visit all 50 states and as many countries in the world that I can.  Especially Italy.  I've always wanted to go there for some reason.  Which leads to another thing I want to do: Drive a Lambourghini Spyder.  Ah-mazing.  (I like to go fast.)  I want to learn to crochet.  I want to read over 150 books in one year (my record is 100, I believe).  I want to learn how to shoot better.  Go hunting a little more.  I want to be an amazing wife and mother. I want to have a job where I make a difference to people.  I don't want to just blend in the background.

 

Driving, Thinking, and Freezing

I finally made it back to Starkville. I drove home Friday, amid below-freezing temperatures. I didn't encounter any problems because of it, just cold air and a few flurries once I hit Jackson. I love cold weather, but even this is a little cold for me. When you feel like your face is going to freeze off before you make it to the car, it's a little much. Of course, if it were snowing, and if I was somewhere I could ski, you wouldn't hear any complaining out of me.  I was trying to get together a ski trip for spring break, but it seems to be falling though. I'll probably give up and find something else to do. If it weren't dumb to go alone, I would.

The drive back wasn't too bad. I had the four poochies with me, two in the front and two in the back. But it was pretty much uneventful. Well, except for getting pulled over cause I crossed the white line. He just pulled me over to check (probably to see if I was drunk lol) and then said "Have a safe trip!" and I went on my merry way. He was very nice, which was good. I wasn't in the greatest mood though. I allowed myself to take the 11 hours and think about some stuff. I think I got it mostly out of my system, for now at least. I get my hopes up about things, and when I'm disappointed, I go through this process to work it out. First, I'm sad, then I get upset, then angry, and finally indifferent. Usually at the end, I've worked through it and can move on. Hopefully it will turn out that way this time, because I went through all those phases on the drive back. I'm pretty sure I'll get a text message in the next few days and will have to deal with it more. I'm not really looking forward to that...

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Not as many, nor as bad as some people, but it's been painful nonetheless. It seems to be a recurring theme that I get attached to someone, and they don't get so attached to me. But they pay me attention and say nice things to me, so I get jerked back and forth thinking they really do care about me. And maybe they do to some level, but it never seems to be to the level that I do. It's really disappointing. I invest so much time and energy, so much of myself into these dead-end relationships. Because of all this, now I'm scared to death to invest myself into other potential relationships. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that guys aren't out to get me and don't mean to hurt me, it's just an unwanted casualty of things like this. But I honestly don't think I can handle another disappointment like that right now. As a Christian, I know that I should fall back on Christ to help me when I get disappointed, but right now I'm so far from where I need to be.

It occurred to me in church this morning that Christ will never disappoint me. He will always be there. He'll never ignore a message from me, especially in my greatest time of need. He won't ever be to busy for me or forget about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm His. He won't ever care more for someone else than He does for me. He'll always be there-to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with-every minute of every day. I'm not saying that Christ can take the place of a boyfriend. "Your boyfriend isn't God, and God isn't your boyfriend." But what I am saying is that the relationship that I'm craving is found in Christ. The relationship that I need right now is found in Christ. Yes, I will still have the need for a man, and I pray that one day God will fill that need with a godly husband. But until then, and even then, Christ will be who I rely on and who carries me through the day. When I finally focus on that relationship, I can grow in relationships with other people, even a dating relationship eventually. 

Blemishes or Beauty Marks?

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was messing around on the internet and was on a picture editing site and uploaded a random picture of myself. I started looking at the different things you could do to change or edit the picture, and came across the "Blemish Remover." I thought "Heck yes!" and started zapping away. The more I looked, the more I saw that needed erasing. When I was done, I looked at the picture. Hmm. It didn't really look like me. Not because it had changed the picture that drastically, but because those features that make me, me, weren't there anymore. They may be small things, but they are a part of me, and identify me nonetheless. I realized that I do this quite often. Not with pictures, but with other parts of me. I try to erase all the "blemishes" of character or mannerisms that I think aren't good, or that people won't like. Depending on who I'm around, I try to change myself to fit what I think they like. So the "me" that is presented to other people isn't the real me. It's some sort of edited and blemish-free version. It's the so-called blemishes that make us who we are. They are as much a part of us as our hair color or voice, and shouldn't be hidden. I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to improve ourselves. There's always room for improvement. But what we shouldn't do is hide or change who we really are just to fit what we think someone else will like. We should be ourselves, and if someone doesn't like it, they aren't someone worth our time and effort.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

These are the notes from Bro. Ellis Mckinzie's sermon this morning.  It's exactly what I needed to hear.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

1) Live one day at a time.

James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.'  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow  You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'"

Stan Getz was a famous saxophone player who had cancer.  When asked what he learned from his illness he replied, "I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal."

Look at the simple things in life.  Enjoy the little things that happen everyday.

2) Live with a view to the end.

Philippians 3:13-14: "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

1 Corinthians 9:24: "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win."

2 Timothy 4:8: "In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

3) Give yourself to others.

John 13:15-17 (After Jesus washes the disciple's feet): "For I have you an example that you also should do as I did to you.  Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him.  If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over.  For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

Giving to others leads to happiness.

4) Learn to forgive and forget

Matthew 6:15: "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."

Colossians 3:13 "...bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

5) Face adversity with courage

Romans 5:3-5: "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

6) Keep a good sense of humor.

Proverbs 15:13: "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 15:30: "Bright eyes gladden the heart; Good news puts fat on the bones."

Proverbs 17:22: "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

7) Put your life in God's hands.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid."

Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"You can spend your life any way you like, but you can only spend it once."