Advice and Experiences

Recently I've come across several people having some issues with relationships. Goodness knows this is common, and I've had my share of ups and downs just like anyone else. I think that sometimes things aren't talked about enough. It's really important for Christians to share experiences and advice with each other so that we can learn and grow from others. First, I want to say that if anybody has a problem and wants someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not can help in every situation, but I can be a sounding board. Second, I want to share what I've learned from the things I've been through. I especially want to write to encourage my girls who might be reading this. This is written mostly for girls, because I am one, so that's where my experiences have come from. If there are any guys out there reading this, you may certainly continue, and hopefully you'll get a little insight into the female mind. This might be a tad random, however, because I'm writing as things come to mind.

So, girls, when a guy first starts paying attention to you, watch out! I have been in several situations where I'm going merrily on my way when it suddenly comes to my attention that I have an admirer. This might sound really shallow, but I want to be as honest and as transparent as I can be. Some of the time, I haven't even noticed the guy until he starts paying attention to me. That's not a bad thing. What isn't so great is that I start liking him, not because of what a great guy he is, but because he's giving me the time of day. I'm attracted to the attention. I know it sounds shallow, but I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. This is a big thing especially if there are doubts and fears about the way I look or about my future. Sometimes I can be really insecure and a guy's attention makes me feel better about myself. I'm not saying that you should write off every guy who pays attention to you. Just make sure you find out his character before you go giving your heart to him. Make sure he's worth it.

That brings me to a second thought: Don't give yourself away too quickly. I have a big problem with this. I get very attached to people, very quickly. It's just the kind of personality I have. I have a big heart and see right away the good in people. This is a good way to be, but can also lead to trouble if I'm not careful. There have been several times in the past where I have revealed way too much, way too quickly. I get comfortable with a guy, and we have great conversations, but I wind up saying too much. I'm too quick to tell my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. It's good to be real with people, but if you aren't very careful, they can use that openness against you. Sometimes it's not intentional, yet other times it is. Make very sure that the guy you're talking to is worth you sharing your heart with. Make sure that he isn't going to use the information you share against you.

It's not just shared information that's come back to bite me in the butt, but also emotions. This is a huge thing for me. I'm going to talk to the guys for a minute. Please realize that every sweet thing you say to us, every simple touch, does a number on our hearts and emotions. You have no idea what "you looked very pretty today" or touching our hand does. It's incredibly powerful. Again, these aren't bad things, but please realize what it does, and make sure your intentions match the gesture. Nothing hurts worse that remembering all the beautiful words and gestures, only to realize that in the end it meant nothing at all, that it was only a ploy to get to us. The hurt that brings is hard to describe. It's a lot like a knife being stabbed in the chest. I don't wish that on anyone.

So girls, be really careful to guard your hearts against this. The guy you give your heart and emotions to needs to be worthy of that, because it's a precious thing to share. We are such emotional beings that we do lots of things to get the love and affection we crave. I know the struggle that goes on in our hearts and minds when we are faced with a difficult dilemma. There's a struggle to remain pure and save everything until you are at the point where you give all you have to offer to that amazing guy, and having that need for acceptance and affection. There are times when I crave physical touch, something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold. It's so hard to think when you're in the moment, right there with him. So decide where your boundaries are and what's acceptable way before you're even faced with this decision. I have been in those situations and there were times where I didn't make good choices because I didn't think about it before I was put in a tough spot. There were other times it saved me from a world of heartache.

Be sure not to put yourself in awkward spots. I always thought I would be fine, but like I said, in the moment it's totally different! I know you've heard this from your moms or Sunday school teachers, and so have I. Of course, being the stubborn thing I am, I didn't listen half the time. So much awkwardness could have been avoided. So listen!

Guys, back to you. Don't put her in those situations! Man up and decide that you're going to take the lead in being right in a relationship. Tell her up front what's acceptable and what's not. Don't make her do it all the time. Society says that guys can't control themselves and it's up to the girl to say no. Bull hockey. You are decent human beings and can control yourselves. Be a man and don't back out of having hard or awkward conversations with a girl. Most of us don't bite...too hard, anyway.

Girls, although we crave that attention, don't sacrifice everything to get it. Demand to be treated the way you should be. Don't play second fiddle to work, another girl, or a guys whims. You are so precious and deserve the best. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they don't realize what they've done or not done even bothers us. So kindly inform him. It's ok to be real with guys and let them know what's going on. Be straight with them. If it's killing you that he's not making a decision, talk to him about it. Don't be nagging or whiny about it. Be a woman and clearly and explicitly (but kindly) tell him what's on your mind. Guys hate guessing and trying to figure out what we want, so tell them.

Don't let your insecurities or fears be the driving force in a relationship. That's what God is for. He's there to be your strength and substance. A guy is only there to compliment what an incredible person you are. If you can't serve God better with that guy, then you need to look harder at that relationship and maybe move on to where God wants you to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I certainly don't know it all. In fact, some people reading this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "She doesn't even practice what she preaches!" That's true. In the past, I haven't followed a lot of the things I've mentioned. I have learned from those mistakes, however, and am trying my best to do differently in the future. My heart's desire is to follow Christ and somewhere along the way meet the guy who has that same desire, who can walk along with me to serve Him better.

I wish I could take all my friends and save them from any hurt that might come their way. I can't, anymore than those close to me wish they could do the same for me. But hopefully my experiences will shine a new light on things, and help you in some way or another. At the very least I hope it was interesting reading. Au revoir.