The Waiting Game and A Little Mush

CAUTION: If mushy stuff appalls you, you might want to avoid this post.

But first, I'll talk about the waiting game.  I'm learning yet another lesson in patience.  I have been applying for jobs for almost four months now. I keep getting discouraged in thinking I'll never get hired.  It's tough waiting for employers to respond to applications, and most of the time they never do.  I also get stressed thinking about the financial aspect of things.  I need a new computer soon.  If it goes out, it'll be hard to keep looking for and applying for jobs.  Other things like that.  I need a job soon.  I need to get into a routine.  I think I'll be less neurotic that way.

Even through the worry, I still have time for the mushy stuff.  Just yesterday I was reminded how much I love him.  We were riding in the truck, on the way to get a Blizzard from DQ.  The windows were down, music up, and he was singing along.  I looked over at him, and he smiled at me. It still gives me butterflies.  And I still love holding his hand as much as I did the first time, seven months ago.  I don't ever want to lose that feeling.  We were talking just the other day about when we first started dating.  We didn't waste time getting to know each other.  From the first date, we spent pretty much every day together.  We have had some great times, and I cannot wait to see what's in store for us.  He is so good to me.  He takes care of me and loves me more than life.

The heat outside tells me summer is here, but this summer is different than I've ever experienced.  It hadn't really felt like summer until yesterday.  When we were in the car, riding with the windows down and summer country music playing, it started to feel like it.  I'm hoping to go to the reservoir this week sometime for a picnic.  Being by the water is very summery.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  Back to job hunting...    

Ready, Set...

So I'm not to the "Go" part yet.  I wish I was!  I really like Brandon.  I'm ready to move here, start working, and living.  I have an apartment complex in mind where I want to live, but it depends on whether or not they have one open.  There are a couple others that would be good too.  There's a Curves down the street that I'm thinking about joining.  I think it would be a better atmosphere for me to work out in.  A regular gym is too intimidating. I'm going tomorrow to the First Baptist Church to see what it's like.  I am really hoping something will happen this week as far as a job is concerned. I'm crossing my fingers.  I feel like my life is on hold and I'm just biding my time until it gets going again.  I know the days ahead will be great.  Working, being active, and spending time with my love.  It will be great. :)

“It’ll all work out.”

Please, please do not say that to me right now. I mean, if you really think about it, of course it will work out. There will be an outcome no matter what it is.  But how much heartache will it take until it's "worked out?"  How many tears until it's "worked out?"  How many hurt feelings and broken promises?  Well?

 

Why do I even try?  It's almost pointless.  I get disappointed again and again and again.  So why do I keep going?  Why do I apply for jobs?  Why do I make promises?  Why do people count on me when I can never, ever do anything right? 

 

I am having to fight so hard to keep those feelings away.  I cannot, absolutely cannot have a repeat of the same feelings I had last year.  I have no reason at all for them, but I didn't have a reason for them last year either.  I feel like I could crawl in bed and not come out for a month.  I really could this time though.  I don't have any obligations as far as school and job are concerned.  It's really tempting.

 

I hate the ache that's inside my heart.  I miss him so much it's a physical pain in my chest.  I count the days until we can be together again, but when I don't know when that will be, it's even worse. 

 

I hate not having a say in what's happening in my life right now.  I keep making plans and having dreams and they are immediately squashed.  It goes back to why do I even try?

 

I hate this. 

Running on Empty

I don't even know where to start.  The emotions I have swirling through my head are enough to make even the most emotionally stable person collapse in a heap.  I am trying so hard to make things work.  I am balancing relationships on either side and myself caught in the middle.  I have to think for myself, but also consider what each side is saying. If I try to do what I want to do, I'm accused of acting as someone else wants me to.  I do have a mind of my own.  At any given time, someone is going to be upset with me.  I've almost come to terms with this.  That's a big almost.

I hate this limbo I'm in.  I am 22 years old.  A recent graduate.  I have a gnawing desire to be out on my own, doing my thing.  I can't make that happen right now and it's about to kill me.  I am not a patient person.  I have waited and waited for the answer I need, and still haven't heard.  I don't know what plan B is.  I want plan A to work.  Why can't my phone ring, and on the other end hear, "you're hired!"?  I need to get hired, get an apartment, get a car, and start living my life as a 22 year old woman.  That's what I need.