Please, please do not say that to me right now. I mean, if you really think about it, of course it will work out. There will be an outcome no matter what it is. But how much heartache will it take until it's "worked out?" How many tears until it's "worked out?" How many hurt feelings and broken promises? Well?
Why do I even try? It's almost pointless. I get disappointed again and again and again. So why do I keep going? Why do I apply for jobs? Why do I make promises? Why do people count on me when I can never, ever do anything right?
I am having to fight so hard to keep those feelings away. I cannot, absolutely cannot have a repeat of the same feelings I had last year. I have no reason at all for them, but I didn't have a reason for them last year either. I feel like I could crawl in bed and not come out for a month. I really could this time though. I don't have any obligations as far as school and job are concerned. It's really tempting.
I hate the ache that's inside my heart. I miss him so much it's a physical pain in my chest. I count the days until we can be together again, but when I don't know when that will be, it's even worse.
I hate not having a say in what's happening in my life right now. I keep making plans and having dreams and they are immediately squashed. It goes back to why do I even try?
I hate this.
1 comment:
I remember that feeling even now, 30 years later. Thirty years ago we didn't have cell phones, texting, e-mail, or Skype. What we had was South Central Bell long distance and the U S Postal Service. Using the Postal Service, we set up Bell "dates." (I'll call you Saturday night at 11:01.) - because after 11, rates were cheaper. When he was in Peru a few months ago, I was reminded of summer separations from long ago.
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