Driving, Thinking, and Freezing

I finally made it back to Starkville. I drove home Friday, amid below-freezing temperatures. I didn't encounter any problems because of it, just cold air and a few flurries once I hit Jackson. I love cold weather, but even this is a little cold for me. When you feel like your face is going to freeze off before you make it to the car, it's a little much. Of course, if it were snowing, and if I was somewhere I could ski, you wouldn't hear any complaining out of me.  I was trying to get together a ski trip for spring break, but it seems to be falling though. I'll probably give up and find something else to do. If it weren't dumb to go alone, I would.

The drive back wasn't too bad. I had the four poochies with me, two in the front and two in the back. But it was pretty much uneventful. Well, except for getting pulled over cause I crossed the white line. He just pulled me over to check (probably to see if I was drunk lol) and then said "Have a safe trip!" and I went on my merry way. He was very nice, which was good. I wasn't in the greatest mood though. I allowed myself to take the 11 hours and think about some stuff. I think I got it mostly out of my system, for now at least. I get my hopes up about things, and when I'm disappointed, I go through this process to work it out. First, I'm sad, then I get upset, then angry, and finally indifferent. Usually at the end, I've worked through it and can move on. Hopefully it will turn out that way this time, because I went through all those phases on the drive back. I'm pretty sure I'll get a text message in the next few days and will have to deal with it more. I'm not really looking forward to that...

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Not as many, nor as bad as some people, but it's been painful nonetheless. It seems to be a recurring theme that I get attached to someone, and they don't get so attached to me. But they pay me attention and say nice things to me, so I get jerked back and forth thinking they really do care about me. And maybe they do to some level, but it never seems to be to the level that I do. It's really disappointing. I invest so much time and energy, so much of myself into these dead-end relationships. Because of all this, now I'm scared to death to invest myself into other potential relationships. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that guys aren't out to get me and don't mean to hurt me, it's just an unwanted casualty of things like this. But I honestly don't think I can handle another disappointment like that right now. As a Christian, I know that I should fall back on Christ to help me when I get disappointed, but right now I'm so far from where I need to be.

It occurred to me in church this morning that Christ will never disappoint me. He will always be there. He'll never ignore a message from me, especially in my greatest time of need. He won't ever be to busy for me or forget about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm His. He won't ever care more for someone else than He does for me. He'll always be there-to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with-every minute of every day. I'm not saying that Christ can take the place of a boyfriend. "Your boyfriend isn't God, and God isn't your boyfriend." But what I am saying is that the relationship that I'm craving is found in Christ. The relationship that I need right now is found in Christ. Yes, I will still have the need for a man, and I pray that one day God will fill that need with a godly husband. But until then, and even then, Christ will be who I rely on and who carries me through the day. When I finally focus on that relationship, I can grow in relationships with other people, even a dating relationship eventually.