Finally

Finals week is here and all the stress and frustration that accompany it. Yesterday and today were pretty crazy. Amidst studying for finals, we were moving in two new roommates. Exciting to have new roommates, but moving is always a pain. It's much better now that they are semi settled. Tonight is the first night with all of us in the house. This is going to be a good thing.

Not unusual for me, I was disappointed again tonight. This seems to be a recurring theme with the summer coming up... I got news that the lake trip that we take with the college and career class at church is canceled. I really look forward to this trip every summer. It usually winds up being the highlight of my summer. This year will be different. A few people in the group decided to have a third lake trip in September (which I can't go to because I'll be at school). This was originally in addition to the June and August trips. Well, from what little I've heard, a couple of people decided it would be too expensive and canned the June trip. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure this was the decision of like, two people. I don't guess the rest of us matter enough to contribute to decisions like that.

This Sunday school class has meant the world to me the past few years. I have loved the fellowship and the teaching that I've received from it. But in the last year, things have started to change dramatically. I don't feel so much a part of it anymore. I know I live away during the semester, but for the past three summers I've been there. I come every time I can. It seems like other people have replaced me now, and I resent it. I know it's not really like that, and that's a petty way to look at it, but that's the way it feels. I'm loosing yet another place where I felt like I belonged. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

I feel like I've totally lost my place in the church. When I'm at school, I go to the service on Sunday mornings, but I don't feel like it's my church home. I don't feel like I can get too involved because I'll be gone in a year. When I'm back in Texas, it doesn't feel like that's my church home either because though I know people there, they could care less that I've been gone, or that I'm back. I used to think that the college and career class was my place, but even they don't care so much anymore. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I hate that I have these feelings of resentment and bitterness. I'm downright angry at times. Sometimes I don't even know why. Everything's out of place and I hate it. Everything and everyone I lean on either falls to pieces or disappears. I get my hopes up and am constantly let down. I hope for a sign that someone wants me and it never comes. I look for a place to be wanted and there's nowhere for me. The very time when I need it most, no one's around. Sometimes it even feels like God's not listening to me. Why should he after all I've said and done? I know the churchy answer to this, but that's just not cutting it right now. Those things come across at trite and almost condescending.

The Guy's Guide to Girls: Part One

Ok guys, y'all are always talking about how girls are so complicated and how you don't understand us. Maybe this will help. Here are a few helpful hints from the female world. Take it to heart, then USE IT. Girls, feel free to comment and add more. Thanks to my anonymous girl friends who contributed to this post.

If hanging out is to be done, it will not be suggested by me. You must act like you want to see me.

If I'm giving one-word answers it means one of three things: 1) I'm busy and really don't want to talk right now, 2) I don't know what to say, 3) I'm mad at you. Fix it.

We want to know that you think about us. It takes something as simple as "I miss you" or "You've been on my mind today" or "I can't wait to see you."

Nothing hurts more than being cheated or forgotten. Avoid at all costs.

Don't think you can fix everything. The dryer or car? Yes. My issues? Probably not. I need support, space, and time.

I understand you're busy and so am I, but when you can spend all day procrastinating homework, you can spend a little bit of time with me. You make time for the things you care about. When you don't make time for me, I feel like you don't care about me.

Don't talk much about exes. Yours or mine. The past should stay right where it is-in the past.

If you want to talk to me, text or call. Don't expect me to initiate all the time.

Having long, drawn out conversations over text is OBNOXIOUS.

We have no idea what you're thinking. We are always wondering what you're thinking. Make it easy and tell us if we ask.

Do not say things that you don't mean. Even though you think we want to hear it, later when we find out it wasn't true, we'll never forget it. Tell me the truth.

If you like me, be a man and tell me so.

Don't lie. We WILL find out.

Don't diss our friends or family. Not cool.

Unless you tell us specifically not to tell our best friend, we probably will. We talk about everything to those closest to us. It's how we operate.

Actually listen when we talk. If you keep asking the same questions over and over again, we will get annoyed.

It's ok to act like you like me if we're dating. It won't kill you to hold my hand. I won't protest.

You will make my day if you send me a good morning message.

When I say I don't want to talk about something, I probably mean it. Don't push the issue.

When I do want to talk about it, I'll probably mutter something then say "I don't know..."

When you ask me if I'm ok, and I say "I'm fine," I am not fine. Pretty much anything other than good (accompanied with a smile), great, fabulous, or spectacular means I'm not fine.

My heart melts when I hear you talk about your relationship with God or hear you pray. Definitely do that. Frequently.

Tell me, with words, out loud, that I'm special to you and that you care about me.

You-messed-up Flowers: good. Just-because Flowers: even better.

A hug never hurt anybody.

It's ok for you to ask me questions.

Chivalry is never dead in a girl's mind. Opening doors and holding out chairs gets you bonus points.

Treat me like a lady.

Though I may be a girl, I'm not as fragile as you think.

Don't badger me into doing something I don't want to do.

Even if we "hang out," a real date would be nice.

Don't get mad at me for things that you do all the time.

I'm willing to play sports, watch action movies, and do other things you like to do. Do something I like to do once and a while without me having to pull your leg or guilt you into it.

If I'm trying to do something, don't automatically swoop in and do it for me. I can do things for myself. If I ask for help, that's a different story.

A girl loves to hear that she's beautiful every once in a while.

Apathy

Being apathetic is a pathetic way to be, according to Relient K. But that's where I find myself tonight. I suppose it's a product of the end of the semester and summer-itis. I'm tired of dealing with stuff.

After exams next week, I'll spend the following week doing stuff around the house getting ready for my roomies to movie in. Then I'm headed to the sunshine state for a week. I can't wait. It'll be good time with family, and time to myself. I can detox from the baggage I've been carrying around and maybe get some clarity and peace. Then I'll be ready for a summer. A good summer. I wanna work and travel some this summer. We'll see what opportunities open up.

I bought a Love and Theft album the other day. One $8 on iTunes. It's really good. It's country, but not honky tonk country. It's also got Christian themes in it. Good stuff. Check out this song.

I finished two projects today after tracking tornadoes that were everywhere this morning. Kinda scary, but I didn't freak out like I normally do. Probably because 1) I couldn't hear the sirens, 2) I had my weather friends checking up on me and giving me info and 3) I was able to know where the tornadoes were from the internet and tv. So it was kinda exciting.

Only three finals separating me from summer. Yee haw.

Unsettled

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
But I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
"Near to You"- A Fine Frenzy

Still bummed about summer plans falling through. I've been in a weird mood today. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. Still reeling over past hurts. Not sure what to do about that except try to forget.

On one hand, I want someone. Terribly. On the other, I don't want anyone. Because if I don't "have" anyone, I won't have to worry about getting hurt or hurting someone else. And I can do my own thing. But that's neither here nor there.

No Emo

I haven't gone off my rocker and gotten all emo and clinically depressed. It was a bad week is all. When things don't pan out, even the best of us can get upset. The weekend was good, so that helped me get over things. Three more days and I'm done with class, then three exams and I'm home free for the summer.

Rejected

I heard back from the Nicaragua trip. I wasn't selected. I had my hopes up that I would get picked to go. I didn't really entertain the thought that I wouldn't get to. I almost wish I had doubted that more because when I got news today, it was a hard letdown. At least I heard it from a friend first. That made it a little better because he tried to make me feel better about it. I could go down there for a week just to visit, see some sights, and get acquainted with the culture. I might do that, I don't know yet.

It's really hard to be rejected like that. It's happened to me a few times before. Whether it be rejection from a job or position, or from a person, it's really hard for me to deal with that. To know that you and your qualities and qualifications were lined up next to other people's and you weren't good enough is really hard to take. I strive to do the best I can, and end up not making the cut. It makes me not want to try anymore. Not just with stuff like the Nicaragua thing, but with relationships as well. I've been rejected and that's not something I can bounce back from easily. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do. It seems like everything I set my heart to completely comes undone. Everything I strive so hard for and want so badly slips through my fingers.

I can sense feelings rising that plagued me last semester. I cannot afford to go back to that again. But right now I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a long time. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them. I want to shut down.

No Time!

I've been meaning to post for a while. But I don't have much time, so here's the short version.

I got Photoshop! Exciting! I'm still loving my photography class. We're doing portraits next week. Kind of a challenge.

I am a drama queen. I don't like that. I shall seek to change that. Yuck. Also, 95% of my drama is boy-related.

I've been working out. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but it's a means to an end. That end being a little black swimsuit that came in the mail the other day. Also, looking fabulous all around. ha ha.

One full week of classes left. Wow. The semester has been pretty great, but kinda short.

I have the summer bug. I'm so ready.

I haven't heard if I'm going to Nicaragua yet or not. I'm getting nervous/impatient. I'm supposed to hear sometime this week.

That's all I have time for. I'm off to study astronomy. Yay. (That was an un-enthusiastic yay, btw.)

Just Don't Want Coffee

This song pretty much describes how I've been feeling as of late.

Just Don't Want Coffee
by Caedmon's Call

Though I am small I've seen things far beyond these city walls
The land is flat and it rolls for miles
I don't know much I know I've many places yet to see
I know I've been here for a while
Wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I'm back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I've no ideas of what to do
'Cause something's changed today
And what it is I just can't say
And if I don't seem okay, well I'm okay

(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don't want coffee tonight
Back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
Now we've been friends since we were young
But all our conversations are hitting walls we can't ignore
We can hide but we can't run
And I can't run from you
Or what we've run into
Now regardless what I choose, we both lose
(repeat chorus)

It must be getting late
Where's my head
Where is my head
Where is my head
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I've made
Funny that's what I've been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can't change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I'd explain to you what you could never understand
And how I'd keep my mind from you
But that's the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today's another day and it's okay

(repeat chorus)

I think I need some rest
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head

Figgity

I can't seem to sit still this afternoon. Since it's Easter Sunday and the family is here, we decided to take a break and use today to rest. Yesterday we worked around the house doing various jobs and projects. Today after going to church and cooking a delicious dinner, we sat in the living room and talked and watched tv. I almost fell asleep several times (surprise, surprise) but never quite got there. Now I'm figgity and can't sit still. I looked for the book I'm in the middle of reading, but can't find it anywhere. It's probably hiding from me with my iPod. In the process of searching my shelves for the lost literature, I came across a notebook that I used to write in over the summer and last fall. I perused the pages reading thoughts from the past. Not sure that's always a wise thing to do, but I did it nevertheless. It did not, however, cure my figgiting. Possibly added to it.

My mom brought me an audio book. It's called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. She's not my most favoritest person ever, but my mom said this was definitely worth listening to. So I'll let you know how that goes.

M*A*S*H is quite a good tv show. I like watching reruns on Hallmark.

I'm bored, yet don't have much to say. At least not that I wish to say on here.

Adios.

In Song

I've tried for the last little bit to find a song that perfectly fits my mood/situation perfectly, but I can't seem to find one that's just right. Maybe it's a combination of a few songs. Perhaps I'll try to find the right combination.

Here's some song lyrics that seem to fit right now:

Guinevere- Eli Young Band
She carries memories around like souveniers down in her pockets
Should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
For as much as she's stumbled, she's runnin'
For as much as she runs, she's still here
Always hopin' to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Nobody's Baby- Reckless Kelly
You've always been a little scared to open your heart
And you never let anybody take it too far
You never let 'em on the inside
'Cause you're always scared of gettin' taken for a ride

You're nobody's baby
You're nobody's darlin'
You're nobody's girl

Everybody wants you but you don't wanna care
So you keep 'em at a distance with the frown you wear
Spend your time tryin' to even the score
And you've got it in your head you deserve a lot more

Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't
It's so complicated

Mi Vida Loca- Pam Tillis
If you're comin' with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two weels
It's a never ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi vida loca, over and over
Destiny turn on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Free to Be Me- Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Chicken and Biscuits

A few lyrics:

Lord have mercy here she comes
Behind the wheel of a pickup truck
Mud slingin'
She's singin'
Country girl just doin her thing and
Ain't nothin like a backwoods baby
Drive my tractor, drive me crazy
Likes huntin'
Loves fishin'
And she can hold her own in the kitchen
And by the way boys, did I mention

She's pretty as a field of daisies
She's sweeter than watermelon wine
Way hotter than the Alabama asphalt
And when I get her in these arms of mine
Lord have mercy, I love her kisses
Man, I cant get enough
Kinda like chicken and biscuits

She can rock them high heel shoes
But she'd rather wear cowboy boots
Cut off jeans and a baseball hat
City girls can't do it like that
Sunday mornin' rolls around
In the choir is where she's found

Chicken and Biscuits- Colt Ford

That song makes me smile. I'm going through a country phase. I miss being home around the horses and cows. I miss riding horses, and back roads, and Texas country on the radio.

I was looking at bikes today. I want to own one eventually, but I should probably start with learning how to ride. Hopefully I can do that this summer.

This summer, I pretty much want to do everything I can't do in Starkville. Ride horses and bikes, learn to shoot better, and maybe a little fishing. I haven't done that in forever.

The weekend was good because I got to rest some. It meant missing out on some socializing, but it was worth it to preserve the little sanity I have left. Yeah, I know. It's not much.

I'm fed up with drama, once again. Mine and other people's. Life should be simple. Thoughts and feelings should translate easily to other people and there shouldn't be any discrepancy between what people want. Sadly, it's not that way. It's neither simple nor easy. Sigh.

That's all for tonight.

Rethinking

I keep meaning to post the few things that I've been thinking about lately, but haven't gotten a chance to sit down and organize all my thoughts. This is as good a time as any, so even if it's not totally organized, I'm going to get it down before I forget. You are most likely used to my randomness and disconjointed thoughts if you know me much at all or have been following my blog for any period of time. So here goes.

On the way home from spring break, I borrowed an audio recording of C. S. Lewis reading his book The Four Loves. It took a little over two hours to listen to, but seeing as I was on an 11 hour drive, it was a welcome distraction. In those two hours, I listened to the common sense approach that is typical of Lewis as he explained the differences and nuances of the four different types of love: storge, which Lewis defines as affection; philia, friendship; eros, romantic love; and agape, charity or unconditional love. I think people, including me, very often confuse the different types of love, never acknowledging that there are different loves and lumping them into one big catagory. I think it causes problems because the loves are so different and require different thoughts, feelings, and actions to accompany them. I definitely recommend you listen or read this book. I plan on listening to it again and making notes to post on here. It challenged some notions I had and I'd like to share that.

Two words I never thought I'd put together: country rapper. Check it out here.

And I forgot pretty much everything else I was going to talk about. Perhaps topics for another post.

Breaking

Spring break got off to a great start. I spent the weekend at the beach with friends. It was crazy windy the two days we were there, but it's the beach, it was still great. We watched the sunset and sunrise one day. That was pretty spectacular. Very good times indeed.

I can always think of lots of topics to cover when I'm not actually sitting at the computer. I need a more convenient way to keep up with my thoughts. I'm going to post random thoughts anyway.

I could definitely see myself living in Florida after college. It would be awesome to have a place not far from the beach (because I could never afford waterfront property). I could go to the beach almost every day to watch the sunset. I could ride my bike (when I get enough money to buy one) down the coastal roads. Working down there would be great. Hmm. Maybe I'll tuck that dream away for a while and see what comes.

I was in the kitchen tonight helping/watching my mom cook supper. Before long, my sister came to join us. I love the times we have together cooking and whatnot in the kitchen. We're all relaxed and talk about many different things. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes we're cracking up. The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for good food and great conversation. We should do that more often.

I feel that free spirited mood coming to the surface. Not rebellion really, because I'm not rebelling against anyone or anything, but rather it's an independence and determination. It's hard to explain. I kinda get an attitude, a tough girl attitude. I'm not sure it's such a good thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure what it's stemming from either. We'll see though. I am dying my hair red tomorrow...well, highlights anyway.

It bothers me when I can't understand people's motives. I don't profess to be good at reading people, but I generally have an idea where people fit into my life. I don't like it when I can figure that out.

My time management skills have been sorely lacking as of late. I need to work on that. Prioritize a little bit better. Perhaps the break will help get things back in focus.

And now it's bedtime. G'night all.

Sunny Days

This week has been great, despite the fact it rained several days and that I had lots to do. Monday was absolutely gorgeous and I spent all afternoon outside. It was amazing. I like cold weather, but I'm ready for springtime and sunshine, flip-flops and shorts. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spring break officially started for me at 3:50 p.m. today. I'm going to spend several days at the beach with some of my closest friends. It's going to be awesome. Then next week I get to go home and be with my family. All of us under one roof! That hasn't happened since Christmas. Sometimes growing up is good, but other times not so fun, as in this case. But next week will be great. I really need a break. I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks on end. I want to do nothing but relax on the beach and soak in the sun. And maybe talk to people too. :)

I finally got my act together last weekend and got things settled. Instead of being worried and scared about things, I'm excited to see where this new relationship goes. It's great so far. There will be some trials during the summer due to distance, but we'll handle that when we get to it. Right now It's all good. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

Internal Disagreement

My heart says one thing, my head another. Why can they not agree? Which one should I listen to? One is right, one is wrong--but which one is it?

Doubts and Fears

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.

D-Now

This past weekend a group of students from State led a Disciple Now at Agricola Baptist Church. I was asked to lead a group of 9th grade girls. I was nervous about it at first because I've never lead a Bible study group. A friend of mine was helping organize, so I decided to help her out. So we all met at the BSU on Friday and caravanned to Lucedale. Because we had a trailer attached to one of the vehicles, we had to go slower so the trip too about 4 hours. Once we got there and got set up, we ate and then went to worship. I really wasn't prepared for this weekend. As a result, our first small group session didn't go very well. I felt like I was stumbling over my words, repeating myself, and the girls weren't really contributing. I was pretty disappointed. My and my co-leader decided to prepare better for the next session. It went much better, so I felt a little more effective. Saturday night and Sunday morning's sessions were probably the best. I finally felt like the girls were listening to what we said.

I think I learned more this weekend than the girls did. I was faced with how far I've gotten from my first love and from the joy of being a Christian. How I ever thought I could do things on my own, I don't know. I have zero power to make things happen in my life. When I try to run things, I get myself into huge messes. When I finally give up and come back to God, head hung low with tears streaming down my face, He accepts me back, comforts me, and starts to work things out in my life for good, just as He's promised me. I realized that I need to lay aside my fears and insecurities and trust God to work things out. He delights in giving us good things. He wants us to have good things in our lives. So if we let Him, He'll work things out for our best. I've got to hold onto that and not try to make things work the way I want them to.

Zipline

Today was a good day. A very good day. I decided to be brave and get over some pretty deep insecurities and fears I had about being in a relationship again. I can't say it was easy at first, but I really think my fears are irrational. It will be different this time. I kinda felt like I had stepped off the tower of a zipline this afternoon. There was the feeling you get when you're free-falling for that moment until the wire catches you and you begin to move forward. I think this is going to be a pretty amazing ride, and I guess I'll have to wait and see where I wind up. Wherever that may be, I want it to be all for God's glory and not my own.

Bright Picture

These past few weeks have been pretty great, an overall bright picture with few dark spots. I've had great times with friends lately. It seems that last semester, my friendships were tested, at times to their limits. But this semester seems to be a time when friendships are growing and deepening. I am so very thankful for my close friends. I have gained a new friendship from this past summer and it is awesome getting to know her and talk more with her. She's so precious. Other friends are still relatively new as well, but I feel as though I've known them for a long time. Yet others are "old" friends, but the relationship is deepening and widening. This is incredible to me as well. So, you know who you are, and I love y'all!

I have more to say, but it's sleepytime. So, until next post, I bid thee farewell and a good night/day. Adios.

The Road Paved with Good Intentions

No wonder I have a problem making decisions. Every time it's left up to me to decide something that effects other people, I'm bound to make the wrong one. I try to make everyone happy and wind up making everyone ticked off instead. It's enough to make an otherwise optimistic girl cynical at times. My intention tonight was two-fold: to spend time with one friend, while at the same time cheering another one up. I figured that it would work since all those participating were friends and hung out together. Apparently I was wrong. What resulted was the one friend getting ticked off at me and the other even less cheery than before. I'm no good at this relationship thing, whether it be friends or guys. I try and try and try to make things work, be the mediator, make peace with people, and I wind up getting stomped to death in the process.

On another slightly depressing note, it's kinda a downer when you have an idea to do something that you'd enjoy and think other people might enjoy, only to find out that nobody wants to do it with you. And I mean not even one person. This one's too busy, that one doesn't have enough cash, and still another just thinks it isn't that great of an idea to start with. There's a movie I want to see, but no one else wants to see it. Ok, so I'll go by myself. Not a big deal. I wanted to go to the rodeo, but everyone else thought that was pretty lame. (Thanks to an awesome friend, I didn't have to go all by myself though.) I wanted to go skiing so bad for spring break, but yet again it was a flop. The one person who would have gone, found other more willing participants, and is going this week. Gee, thanks. I don't mind doing things myself every once and a while, but it gets old. I do things that other people want to do all the time, even if it's not particularly my favorite. But for them to return the favor, well, it just doesn't happen. BUT, if I do wind up doing something own my own, away from the crowd, I get heckled for that too! I just don't get it...

I'm such a contradiction. I love the beach and the mountains. I wear pearls with leather jackets. I like boots and converse and heels. I enjoy a rodeo as much as a book or play. I like classical music and country music. One set of interests and abilities work well with someone, but my other interests and abilities clash. But take the opposite person and it's the same thing in reverse. It always seems to be a point of contention. Sometimes I think it's nearly impossible to find the person that compliments me. Sure, I can compliment other people well, but I always seem to be lacking something.