Sleepless Night

Nights when I can't fall asleep are always tedious. Sometimes they're difficult, but tonight it's not bad things on my mind. Not bad things, just deep, thought-provoking things. I've done the typical things I usually do to occupy myself until I'm sleepy, but tonight that just added fuel to the fire.

I have a job interview for a job I really, really want in less than 2 weeks. I'm very excited, but nervous and anxious as well. I haven't had many other promising inquiries, and if I don't get this job it's going to be very disappointing. It seems just right for me: what I want to do and am capable of doing in the location I want to be in. I'm going to research as much as possible about the company and the position, and try to be my best at the interview.

I've also been thinking a lot about my future. There are very, very exciting things that I am looking forward to. There are also things that will be very difficult. There are certain aspects that I have no control over, and no idea how we'll accomplish that. But as long as I have the one I love by my side, we can make it though. I am about to head straight into the most difficult and rewarding life I could imagine.

Time for Something New...Another Something New

Amidst the newness approaching with April 30th, I am facing another new situation: a new car.  Alas, on the way to an interview last week, I was in a wreck. I wasn't hurt, but my poor, poor Saturn took the full brunt of the blow. She is totaled. :,(  So in the wake of losing my faithful 4 year college companion, I must find another vehicle.  I don't have much moo-lah to work with, so I'm going used.  Better value for the money anyway.  I have a hot lead on a Ford Explorer in Austin. It's maroon. :)  And has power petals and leather seats.  Fancy!  I'm hopefully going to look at it tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed!

My Dress Pants Don't Fit...

The title of this post brings me to two topics: 1) my clothes not fitting and 2) dress clothes. 

As for topic 1:

My clothes don't fit anymore. I've gained some weight since last semester. It seems to always happen in the spring, which is the worst possible time for it to happen because spring precedes summer. Bummer.  So I've decided that I can do a diet for 2 weeks.  The Special K diet to be exact.  Today was Day 1, and it wasn't so bad.  I had a protein shake for breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, a granola bar for snack, and a normal dinner.  I splurged a little by buying a coke and a small bag of chips (not just any chips- Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, aka crack chips. I'm addicted) this afternoon before my group meeting.  Tomorrow I will do better.  So here's to hoping I lose those 6 promised pounds in two weeks. 

Topic 2:

It's crunch time. And no, not because of the granola bar I'm eating.  It's because I graduate in exactly one month. Four weeks. Thirty days.  Yep.  I'm in overdrive applying for jobs.  I think I submitted 6 applications last night alone, and another 2 today.  I have two interviews lined up, starting tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. I'm hoping there's more to come.  The ideal situation would be to have to chose between job offers.  Yeah, I can definitely handle that. We'll see what comes though.

Time to Grow Up

I really started thinking today about graduation and the end of my college career.  I have been in a clean out mood the past couple days so I was cleaning out and organizing my room.  As I tried on clothes and decided what to keep and what to donate, and I came across a brown and pink polka dot dress.  It's a very cute dress, one that I've worn several times before.  I got it at the end of high school and wore into college.  I tried it on today (miraculously, this dress escaped the closet shrinkage that my other clothes have been infected with...), and looked at myself in the mirror.  It's still a cute style, but it just didn't fit the image of me, a 22 year old, soon to be independent career woman.

I can feel a change coming on, a different stage of life starting where one is ending. On one hand, it's sad that I'm no longer going to be a college student.  I'm going to miss lots of things about college.  There will be other things I won't miss so much.  But I'm definitely excited about what's to come. I'm excited about getting a full-time job and all the challenges and new opportunities that brings.  I'm excited about moving into my own apartment again (like I did freshman year of college), but being on my own and independent.  Though that brings tons and tons of responsibility with it, I think I'm ready.  I hope so anyway.  If I'm not, I have people that will always be there to help me.  I'm excited about spending the summer with My Other Half and getting to know each other more.  The past five months have been phenomenal.  I couldn't have asked for more, and I have been happier than I've ever been.  But that is a different story.  One I could write pages and pages on.

I'm trying very hard to make good decisions for myself, and to form a foundation that will serve me well throughout my life.  It's really difficult sometimes.  I have to juggle different roles: student, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. It's not easy.  But it is fulfilling to have those great relationships in my life.  A lot of people don't have that. I'm very blessed in so many ways.
 

Surrounded by Books

I'm killing time before my group meeting.  I had to come to town early, but didn't want to go back to my house and then turn right around and go to campus.  So I'm sitting in the forth floor of the library in a very cozy spot. There's a chair sitting by a window, and there are rows and rows of books to my left.  I like being surrounded by books. Makes me feel instantly smarter.  Also makes me miss reading for pleasure.  I keep saying I'll get a chance to in the summer, but who knows.  I'd like to though.  I have about 4 books on my shelf at home that I have never read.

The wait is killing me.  I have applied for several jobs and have heard nothing from them.  I don't think I got the job I interviewed for last week.  It's a bummer.  I'm going to try to start babysitting again for some extra cash. I hate having to worry about money.

Right Now

Things on my mind right now:

1) Photography.  I want to take more pictures.  I see pictures that other people have taken and I'm jealous. And in awe.  And it makes me happy.  I haven't even picked up my camera in weeks.  Sad.

2) Homeschooling.  Begin in college now, and about to graduate, I haven't thought much about it recently. I almost miss it. Weird.  Never thought I'd say that.  But I was reading The Pioneer Woman blog tonight (which is an awesome blog, btw. thepioneerwoman.com) and there was a post from her daughter about homeschooling.  There aren't many things I've passionate about, but this is one of them.  I lived through all my school years homeschooling and loved it.  I never wished to be in public school.  And when people throw the "problems" with homeschooling in my face, I get really defensive and want to tear into someone.  Especially the "homeschoolers are socially disadvantaged" argument.  It doesn't hold water.  Do you know how many public or private school kids I've met that are socially awkward?  It doesn't matter where you went to school, it matters how you were raised. So it's a terrible argument.  I want to homeschool my kids. I realize that everyone will oppose that, possibly even my spouse at first, but it's something I feel strongly about.  My mom and dad will be the biggest supporters though.  My mom knows first-hand all the trials and rewards involved.  She's the reason I want to homeschool my kids.

3) Pizza: With a side of ranch, is in the fridge that is calling my name.

Mobile Blogging

Because I'm a girl on the go, I thought I would try out mobile blogging. Hopefully I'll be able to post more often this way. It's not too often that I sit down at the computer with nothing else to do but blog. In the last couple weeks, it's not often I'm sitting in one place too long at a time. 

It occurred to me this morning walking to class that I should think about 1) things I should do before marriage and 2) things I should do before kids. Not that either one of those things is imminent, but I don't want to wind up looking back and having regrets or trying to be 22 again when I'm a wife and mother. I've known people who have done that and it's not cool. Not for the marriage and not for the kids. So this is just me looking three steps ahead (as usual). 

Senioritis is kicking in. Actually, it's kicking like a mule. My attention is all but gone during lecture and my drive to get things done isn't very strong at this point. My major class takes most of my attention, but other classes are way under that in my priorities. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like crap lately. So much so that I'm going to the doctor about it. I hate going to the doctor... 

Cross your fingers for my job interview tomorrow at 11. It's a student worker position for this semester. Still waiting to hear about the post-grad jobs I've applied for.

New Reads

Because of my hectic life at the moment, I don't have time to read books like I'd like to. But I manage time for blogs. And not during class...ahem. Anywho, I'm looking for new and exciting/interesting blogs to follow. Suggestions? Muchas gracias.

Blahs and Boo-hoos

The past two weeks have been stressful. I haven't been in a great mood.  One of those moods where all the little things start meshing together and making one Big Thing that threatens to eat me whole. Not so fond of that feeling.  At least it's not the breathing under water feeling.  But the past two weeks have been especially trying. I'm to that "I can't do anything right" point. I'm disappointing people right and left. My feelings get hurt way too easily. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've had a perpetual headache for about a week now.  Exhausted from the time I step out of bed.  School is getting the better of me.  Yikes.  It's a mess.

Today was rough. I wished I could wake up and try it all over again from the beginning.  I'm not sure why these two weeks have been so rough.  Nothing earth-shattering have happened.  Just small things popping up.  A large part of it is my mood and not feeling well.  I'm being strongly encouraged to go to the doctor about it, but I'm not so keen on that idea.  I know I need to though. Ugh.

I'm tired but I'm in no mood to sleep.  I need to work some things out of my system.  I'm aware that 1:36 a.m. is a bad time to do that, but it is what it is.  I have the urge to go back and read my old journals right now.  I was watching a show earlier that was talking about a journal this guy had back when he was a teenager and how his mom found it and read it.  I have several old journals about random stuff.  Most of them were when I was a teenager too. We'll see what I find.

I'll get to sleep eventually.

Austen

I've been in a Jane Austen mood lately.  I love her books and wish I had time to read them more.  I have a good many of the movies that they made from the books.  They're all very good.  I especially like the BBC mini series of Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

I'm fascinated by the time period and the characters in her stories.  The scenery, music, and clothing are all so beautiful.  I think it's the allure of another time and place that draws me to it.  The stories and characters are not so different than people today.  If you take away the clothing and speech, they would act just as people do today.  Austen crafts her characters to point out human flaws.  The stories are touching and deep, but also have elements of humor.  I love it all.

"The Time Has Come"...

...the walrus said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll

As the title implies, it's time for another post.  I should be asleep right about now, but isn't that how things always go. 

Christmas break was great.  I got time to see my family and spent Christmas morning with people I love.  It was hard being away from my guy, but we managed to handle the distance well.  I'm back in Starkvegas this week and have been spending time with him and settling in for the next semester.  I had a job interview on Monday that I think went very well.  I'll get the results of that later this week. (Crossing my fingers that I got the internship!)  Classes officially start tomorrow, but I only have Tuesday-Thursday classes.  Should be pretty great.  I'm in a cleaning mood tomorrow, so I plan on going through closets and such and getting rid of unnecessaries.  Better watch out, Mr. Closet Monster, I'm comin' in.  

While being in this relationship is more that I ever dreamed or imagined, I need to be careful about some things.  My personality is what I'm going to phrase an adapter.  I change to fit other people's personality so that everything works.  While that's a great thing sometimes, other times I tend to lose a bit of myself.  I'm fully aware of it this time around, so I think I can do a few things to make sure I'm not changing to make others happy.  Compromise is one thing, complete overhaul is another.  I need to make sure I keep around the things  that are essentially me.  For instance, my guy likes country music.  So do I, and have for quite some time now.  But there is other music that I like, that I listened to quite a bit before I met him.  It's not like he told me I can't listen to that music now, but I just adapt my music tastes to his.  Some of it is legitimately that I like the same music, and others it that I listen to it because he likes it.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I shouldn't lose the other kinds of music that I like in the process.  Most of the things are very small and not too noticeable.  But if I want someone to love me just like I am, I need to be fully myself and not an adapter.  I'm working on it. 

Things that are essentially me: I like some girly things like chick flicks, jewelry, purses, and other general foo-foo at times.  I like classical music, popular rock, and acoustic/bluegrass.  As country as I am, there's a good bit of the whole rocker girl there.  I'm a bit of a rebel.  I'm competitive and independent to a point.  I can take care of myself.  I really enjoy things like fine Italian food, hot tea, classic literature, plays, symphonies, and museums.  I love skiing and ice skating.  I dream of going to Italy one day. 

Speaking of ice, it's freezing in here.  It's interesting sometimes when it's my sister paying the light bill.  Needless to say, our heater isn't getting a big workout at the moment.  There are currently four blankets on my bed.  There would be a few more, but I'm too cold to get up and get another one from the living room.  That reminds me, I need to get up and brush my teeth.  Sigh.  I hate getting ready for bed.  I'd like to just fall into bed and pass out.  But no, I've got to wash my face, take meds, and brush my teeth.  Oh well.  Here goes.  Until next time, goodnight to my wonderful world of internet readers.        

Thousand Dollar Wit

Soo... Recently my posts (though sparing) have been somewhat in the direction of the not so happy. Ok, downright depressing. But I've decided to pull out that thousand dollar wit and humor again to have you thoroughly entertained.  Ok, so somewhat amused at least.  I hope.  Ahem.

So let's get the ball rolling.  Since I don't have anything in particular to rant about nor do I have an appropriate soapbox topic as of late, I'll go on about what's going on in my life.  I know you're on the edge of your seat now.

I successfully (depending on how you define success) finished another semester of college.  I passed all my classes and didn't bomb my gpa too bad.  I have ONE more semester left!  It can't end soon enough.  But then again, I like the college life.  Just not the classes, tests, teachers, and that sort of stuff.  Ah well.  I'm taking 12 hours (the least number of hours I've had in the history of ever) and I'm looking forward to it.  I also hopefully will have an internship (cross your fingers Monday morning).  I hope it will be the jump-start I need to begin this whole career thing.

I am happier than I've been...pretty much ever.  Most of that is due to a wonderful addition to my life.  You'll probably get tired of hearing about him, but I don't care.  This is my blog, after all.  I figure if you didn't like hearing me ramble on, you would have stopped following long ago! (Because rambling is my middle name.  Ok, not really. That would be awful silly.  My momma loves me more than that.) Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  I am being treated like the inner princess that I am (tongue-in-cheek here, people) and we have so much fun together.  I have finally found someone who can be as goofy as I am, and understands all my random cartoon movie references.  Hello, first date we watched The Emperor's New Groove.  Can you say keeper? That's all I'll go on about right now.  Stay tuned for more gushing. ;)

I have direction in my life and that makes me happy as well.  I like having a plan.  And making lists.  And brainstorming.  And being organized.  Probably to the point of obsession, but hey, one must obsess about something.  Or somethings...  I digress.  So here's the plan (I've stopped putting letters e.g. A, B, C because there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet...):  Get an internship and finish my last semester of college.  I love multitasking.  Yay.  Then, in a perfect world, that internship would morph into a full-time job.  If not, I'll find a full-time job somewhere.  I want to stay in the Starkville area for a while.  That will allow me to save up some money and get my feet under me.  That's about as far as I've gotten, but it's much farther than I was just a couple months ago.

I am in a crafty mood as of late.  Not the trick you kinda crafty, but the make cool stuff out of regular stuff kinda crafty.  My project in progress is making Christmas ornaments.  Yes, I'm aware that December 25th has already passed.  I'm looking ahead to next Christmas.  They're made of paper circles that you score and glue together to form a geometrical sphere thing.  I'll have to post a picture later.  Hard to explain.  Anyhow, they're made with cool vintage/old fashioned-looking paper.  I think that shall be the theme to the Christmas decorations I'm amassing slowly.  I've decided to get three jars.  One with $, another with $$, and the third with $$$ written on them.  In them I'll put slips of paper with ideas for craft projects.  Most of the ones I do right now will probably come out of the $ jar, seeing as how I'm broke most of the time.

I have a fabulous idea to start my own business.  I want to be a special events coordinator.  (That's my official title.  Party planner sounds a bit unimpressive).  I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, some of which have landed on paper in my Book of Gradios Ideas.  Yes, it has a title.  Just go with it.  I have a rather large bubble around my head and would hate to have it slap someone in the face when it popped.  Just sayin'.

So there are some random, off-the-wall, crazy things that are going on right now.  Hope you were enterta--I mean, slightly amused. Adios por ahora.

  

         

The Center of a Pound Cake

Tasting the hottest hot sauce in Texas

and there’s no bread nor milk

anywhere around.

Pressing your face into the glass

of the cake shop downtown

knowing you can’t afford McDonald’s

much less a $2,500 wedding cake.

Going for hours after eating

a bowl full of pistachios

without a single glass of water

to soothe that burning saltiness

on your tongue.

Smelling the forbidden pecan pie

in the oven your mother

is taking to the church picnic,

knowing you’ll never get a slice.

Running to the kitchen

after a terrible day at school,

looking behind the Slim Fast

for the hidden tub of cookie dough,

then realizing your brother

ate all of it.

Missing you is worse

than the lingering burn

on the tongue after a too eager

bite of steaming, buttered cornbread. 

How to Go From Boredom to Philosophy

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

Secondary labor market, economy, administrations—

Save no room for these words in your head.

Fill your mind with more important musings, not

the secondary labor market, economy, or administrations.

Let the words from the front breeze by your ears while

your mind is filled with more important musings.

Only come because of the guilt.

Let the words from the front sting your ears

while you are busy making grand life plans.

Only come because of the guilt

of skipping the past three classes.

Be busy making grand life plans

none of which involve sitting in this class.

Skip the next three classes so that you can

spend the whole next day contemplating your perfect love life.

Nothing you want in life involves sitting in this class.

You can’t help that you have no more room left in your head

because you spend your days contemplating your perfect love life.

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

All This and None

I am grey-green eyes looking

straight into you,

softness and fire.

I am an off-center smile scrunching one cheek

in amusement or embarrassment;

lips that hold cutting

sarcasm or a goodbye kiss.

I am grown in Magnolias,

matured in the Lone Star;

the paradox of sunset, constant

but changing.

I am pearls bouncing on the collarbone

going secret speeds

on a crotch rocket,

Michael Bublé in all black and chains.

I am the iris looking at life

through an 18-55 mm lens,

memories like pictures capturing

moments, smiles, emotions.

I am sweet potato casserole, thick black coffee,

clinking iced tea and the middle

biscuit won by a quick hand.

I am a picture of who

I’ll become, a thousand words morphing

into countless pages.

I am all this and none,

more than this ink on blank white,

scrawled down out of half duty

and half inspiration.

I am a question mark in the middle

of the sentence.

Much Thanks to Give

I haven't posted much lately, so to regain my "chatty" status I thought I would write a little about what's going on in my life right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so I started thinking about all the things I have to give thanks for.  I cannot even begin without thanking God for everything he has done in my life.  Every breath is due to his grace.  Without him my life would be totally meaningless.  It really is true that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  He has given me so much.

My family is amazing.  My father always gives the best goodnight hugs.  He has set an example of hard work and dedication in our family.  I love his sense of humor, the way he teases my mom, and everything he has ever done for me.  My mother is an awesome person.  She has always been there to hold me when I cry and make things better.  She tells me when I mess up, but doesn't rub it in my face when I realize she's right (which she always is!).  She teaches me so many things.  She has shared a love of cooking, reading, sewing, and designing. If I turn out to be half the woman she is, I'll be happy.  My sister is probably the strongest person I know.  She's determined and passionate.  We have great times together laughing until we cry and general goofing off.  I can always count on her to tell it like it is.  My brother is so talented.  He can play just about any instrument and he's athletic too.  He and I play silly games and are constantly quoting movies back and forth.  I love my family so very much and couldn't do without them.  It's amazing that they love me and put up with me like they do!

God has blessed me with an awesome boyfriend.  At the point where I thought I would be alone for a while, if not the rest of my life, I met this man.  He is so special to me even in the few weeks we've known each other. We laugh together, have serious discussions, or just sit down and be near each other and it's all amazing.  He treats me like a princess and takes care of me, but also lets me be me.  He is strong, caring, and a leader.  He can be goofy and have me rolling on the floor laughing, or so incredibly sweet that the things he say make me wanna cry because they touch me that much.  Since he has been around, I don't even think about people or situations that have hurt me in the past.  I don't know exactly what will happen in the future, but I do know that I am loving every second of the present.

I'm so very thankful to have great people in my life.  At points in my life, there have been people who have touched me in ways I never thought possible.  Whether those people are still in my life, or have moved on, I'm still thankful for them nonetheless.  There have been people who helped me through rough times, taught me, mentored me, been there to listen or give advice, or simply just be around.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

I am so very glad to be almost done with school.  I have but two weeks left in this semester, and one more semester to complete until I graduate.  5 months and 5 days from now, I will be a Mississippi State Alumnus. I have applied for an internship at a bank here, which might turn into a full-time job.  Hopefully I'll hear whether I get an interview during Christmas break.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm not as worried about finding a job because I have a little bit of direction now.  I know that things will work out.  I've seen evidence of it, and I have a promise that God will work things out for good.  I really believe that in my heart now.  I doubted it for a while, but now I'm sure.

What are you thankful for?

Lately

Life is good.

A Noche

Lonely nights are not fun. Maybe one day I won't have to hate that time right before I go to bed, when my head is going non-stop and my heart aches.

Super Glue

I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.


I had a super amazing weekend.  We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend.  Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day.  The whole day was pretty fun.  We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game.  Then we beat UH.  Great day.  On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on.  Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house.  One of those "had to been there" kinda things.  Sunday was more laid back.  We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns.  I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time.  Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well.  We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon.  Great time just hanging out and talking with people.  Monday was our San Antonio adventure.  We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza.  It was really great.  I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents.  I miss them so much!  I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life.  I try never to take that for granted.  No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.


After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up.  Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself.  I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it.  I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life.  Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change.  If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well.  I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work.  The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me.  On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.


Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me.  I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me.  What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord?  Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it.  The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company.  It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me.  There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much.  But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person.  I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God.  He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life.  Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse?  "He will give you the desires of your heart."  I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that.  God has most definitely put a dream in my heart.  I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon.  And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack.  Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right.  That's what I'm banking on.  

It's That Time Again

I should blog soon.