Super Glue

I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.


I had a super amazing weekend.  We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend.  Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day.  The whole day was pretty fun.  We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game.  Then we beat UH.  Great day.  On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on.  Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house.  One of those "had to been there" kinda things.  Sunday was more laid back.  We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns.  I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time.  Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well.  We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon.  Great time just hanging out and talking with people.  Monday was our San Antonio adventure.  We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza.  It was really great.  I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents.  I miss them so much!  I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life.  I try never to take that for granted.  No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.


After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up.  Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself.  I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it.  I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life.  Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change.  If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well.  I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work.  The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me.  On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.


Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me.  I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me.  What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord?  Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it.  The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company.  It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me.  There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much.  But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person.  I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God.  He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life.  Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse?  "He will give you the desires of your heart."  I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that.  God has most definitely put a dream in my heart.  I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon.  And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack.  Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right.  That's what I'm banking on.  

It's That Time Again

I should blog soon.

Dog Bites

If you had a dog that bit you every time you touched it, would you keep petting it? No! That would be dumb.  So why do I do the exact same thing?  How many times does it have to hurt before I quit reaching out? I can predict what will happen.  It's not like I'm ignorant of it, I just disregard it.  I tell myself that I deserve better and don't do it again; I'm through!  And then I turn around and act like a fool again.  How I must look to people.  So foolish and stupid.  Maybe I'll learn one day.

Desperation

There’s a lonely man thinkin’ about a long lost love
The gleam in a young girl’s eye
The content of a man just in from the cold
With a pretty young thing by his side

But he threw it away like a lifetime wasted
Still learnin’ what he ought to know
Once a fresh young buck now he’s down on his luck
And the miles are startin’ to show

So if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

There’s a lonely girl sitting with a chip on her shoulder
Feeling that time’s runnin’ out
The dismay of a woman who never saw it coming
Never knew what it was about

The confusion of a girl who watched as her whole world
Completely unraveled at the seams
Once the toast of the town now it all comes down
To findin’ the man of her dreams

And when the lights go down and you’re all alone
You think you’ll never find love but you don’t wanna go home

But if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night 


By Mickey and the Motorcars

Life Recently

I really haven't done much writing on here since the semester started.  Not because I don't have time, but I really don't have the energy to sit down and sort out all my thoughts.  I try to stay busy with things that I don't have to think about too much.  But I'm sitting here in the Union, as I always do on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I have a ridiculous break, about three hours to kill.  Most of the time there's someone sitting there with me, but right now they're occupied doing other things across the table from me.  So it's a good a time as any.

School is going well.  Even with 18 hours, the work load isn't unbearable.  I have a feeling this will change when midterms roll around in a couple weeks, but it's nice for now.  I'm taking three elective classes, so that's nice.  One of them I actually like- floral design.  The only thing we've done so far is listen to lectures, but tomorrow I get my first set of flowers and have to make things with them.  Pretty excited.  My Italian class is good too.  There's a lot of learning I have to do on my own.  Basically we're supposed to learn it from the book and just practice in class.  Not my favorite way of doing things, since I learn better audibly, but oh well.

As far as my "love life" or whatever you want to call it, it's non-existent.  Refer to the previous post.  I have a slight crush, but I've decided not to give it much attention or thought.  It would inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.   I don't hang out with friends as much as I did, either.  I miss it.

There's never a shortage of drama in my life.  Whether I create it or it just happens, I'm not sure.  But nevertheless it's there.  I tend to struggle with the same things over and over again.  I think I'm over it, then it comes back and bites me in the butt.  I'm rather tired of it, honestly.  But what can I do?

In other news, I still don't know what to do with my life.  Big surprise, right?  I'm tempted to find a job somewhere, just any good job, and move off somewhere a good way off and start fresh.  Start saving for a few things I'd like to buy.  Try to enjoy being young and single for a while. I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going home this weekend.  I can't wait.  I need family time.  Time where I can be the kid and let my parents worry about stuff instead of me.  OK, so that's probably just a delusion, but it will be nice to be with everyone for a little while.  I miss my parents.  I need a hug.

Can't Sleep for the Rambling in My Head

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the BSU.  We had a good time, but I'm pretty tired.  That being said, I can't sleep because there is too much on my mind.  Lots of randomness floating around up there.  So here goes:

WARNING: Not for small eyes. I'm speaking rather candidly here and my filter is all but gone tonight.  Also, if you're male and get offended really easily, it might be best for you to hit the back button right now.

1) Friday was not so great.  Several people were getting on my nerves.  I was even getting on my nerves.  And sometimes I get in these "I'm pissed off for no good reason" moods.  Other times, I have good reason.

2) I'm so sick of emotions. Can I just live without them for a couple days so that I can have a break?  I'm up and down all the time.  Not cool in the least.

3) The people who hurt you the most are those who are closest to you.

4) Why do people give up when things are hard and circumstances aren't perfect?  If you want to be with someone, why would you let things stand in your way?  There is always a way to make do, to work it out, to compromise until things are better.  Do they give up because it's hard?  Inconvenient? Just don't care enough?

5) If we would stop for just a millisecond and consider how the next word out of our mouth or our next action will effect the person we're around, maybe we would say something different or not act quite the way we would otherwise.  Think about someone other than yourself!  That little inside joke that seems funny to you might really be hurtful to the person you say it to.  If someone had expressly told you not to bring that subject up again, and you do it anyway, how insensitive and uncaring do you have to be to keep on bringing it up?!

6) Sometimes when I talk, I think all that gets through to the person I'm talking to is static.  I talk until I'm blue in the face and I get absolutely no feedback.  Maybe some stupid cop-out or excuse, but nothing of value, nothing sincere. I'm so tired of talking.  When there's a problem, I'd love for that person to come to me to work it out, not the other way around.  I try and try and try to make things work and no one cares. (Fyi, I really wanted to cuss right then. Thank goodness for the backspace key.)  That's it. I can't try anymore.  No one cares, so why should I?

7) Guys are dumb. Seriously. I've had it with the whole gender.  Trying to have a relationship is crap. It doesn't work.  Not for me, at least. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't know, but what I do know is that if I stay away from it, it won't be a problem anymore.  Guys could care less what I think or feel.  They feed me all this utter garbage about me being pretty and special and thinking I'm the greatest.  "There's just something about you."  "You're amazing."  "The way you make me feel is amazing."  If I hear those things one more time, I think I'd barf on his shoes.  You cannot tell me that crap then turn around and do the things you do.  Or don't do.  Inaction is 100x worse than action sometimes.  If he's doing something, at least I know he's trying and that he cares.  If he doesn't do anything, that shows me that he could give a rat's hiney about me or my thoughts or feelings.  Getting mad at him doesn't work either.  I can yell and scream and cuss, and nothing gets through.  The best I get is a shocked face after I use a choice word.  They can't even give me the satisfaction of being mad at them.  Right when I get good and steamed, I get a text message with an apology.  UGH! Couldn't you let me fume for at least 20 minutes?!  And seriously, a freakin text message?  Grow some balls.  I don't know what you male people want from me. I just don't get it.

8) The room feels like it's spinning right now.  Don't know why.  Makes it kinda hard to type, fyi.

9) The people I complain about, who really need to hear what I say on here, never read it.  The things I say don't get through.  If it wasn't a way for me to vent my frustration without imploding, it would be pointless to even say anything about it.  I'm pretty much preaching to the choir.  Or maybe to no one, I really don't know.  Most of what I say on this blog is insignificant anyway.  In fact, most of my pathetic, high school drama filled life is insignificant.  Apart from Christ, I really wouldn't have much worth.

10) I'm sick and tired of all this crap that's cluttering my thoughts and make me want to just stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to deal with it.  I'm so weary, cynical, and jaded right now, it's not even funny.

Beginning and Ending

The end of the summer is always a bittersweet thing for me.  I know I always say that, but it's true.  Having two different lives in two different states is really hard for me.  I hope soon it won't have to be that way.


I wrapped up the summer by spending the weekend at the lake.  I drove up on Friday evening and left Sunday afternoon.  The weekend was great.  I spent some time with friends I hadn't seen in a while.  I also love being out on the boat.  This time we got to ride jet skis.  It was the first time I'd driven jet skis and it was awesome.  I also decided to try my hand (or feet, rather) at wake boarding.  I was super nervous the first time.  And it took me about ten tries to finally get up on the water.  After trying and trying, I started to get discouraged, but the first time I got up on the water, even though I didn't stay up long, the feeling was incredible.  I had accomplished something I didn't think I could do.


Being at the lake allows me to go outside, usually after our Bible study on Saturday night, and think about the things that are going on in my life at the moment.  It's not always fun to process the different problems that are going on, but for me it's necessary. I went to sit down by the water and let the open air and open sky clear my head.  I didn't find any magical answers there, but it felt good just to have room to breathe and let out some stress.


Things I miss about Texas: Family, kolaches, Texas country music, my Sunday school class, open space, low humidity, wide roads, fast speed limits.


I've decided I'm a speed junkie.  There's no feeling close to the one where you're racing along at high speeds. It's exhilarating, thrilling, and takes my breath away.  I love the feeling, and it's the closest I can get to euphoria for now.  Too bad I don't get to experience it very often.  Perhaps someday though.


Wake boarding took a toll on my muscles so the drive back to MS was hard and long.  I'm still sore from doing it, but it was worth it.  It's good to be back in MS and start the school year.  My last year--wow. It's hard to believe.  College has flown by.  I'm not going to start on all the things I'll miss, because I have one more year left to enjoy them to the fullest.  I'll save that blog post for April 30, 2011.    

Aerial Photographs

Check out these photos.  I never would have thought aerial photography could be this beautiful.  It shows how different our world is, across all the continents.

http://justpaste.it/3ky

The Great Empanada Adventure

I made my first test recipe tonight-Chicken Empanadas. You can find the recipe here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/chicken-empanadas-recipe/index.html

The recipe was easy to follow and make.  It did take a bit of time though, and getting the oil the right temp was a challenge.  They were very tasty though!  This is definitely something I could make if I had a catering business.  Maybe a part of a Mexican or Tapas menu.  Ahhh the possibilities!

Same Sunset

I think I've taken this particular shot about 20 times since I've been home. This is my favorite spot near sunset.  I love the trees becoming a silhouette as the sun goes down. Even though I take this shot a lot, the pictures never come out looking identical.  

I've decided that I'm going to test recipes this coming year.  I've been toying with the idea of owning a catering business somewhere in the future, so this would be a good start.  I even have a handy-dandy notebook. ;)  I'll have to post the ones that are really good.  Or should I keep them secret? Hmmm...

Recent Photos

Good and Bad

There are good and bad things about living by yourself.  Good: you can walk around in your underwear.  Bad: there's no one to welcome you home after a long, hard day at work.  Good: you can watch or listen to whatever you want, whenever you want.  Bad: having to constantly have the tv or radio on because the house is too quiet. Good: you can have whatever you'd like for supper.  Bad: cooking and eating alone.  Good: peace and quiet, and not having conflict with another person.  Bad: having to deal with the conflict in your mind.

On another note, a while back I was working on a photography project for my class.  I was trying to get the hang of panning so I was outside taking pictures of the horses.  The dogs were out chasing them (btw, that's a funny sight, little dachshunds chasing Tennessee walkers) so the mare and her filly were running around the pen.  I was standing in the middle snapping shots.  I didn't get the hang of it on that try, but I got some neat pictures anyway.  My mom fell in love with one of them I took.  The colors are all washed out because it was taken with the aperture all the way open and the shutter speed was too slow.  She still thought it was cool and didn't even want me to Photoshop it.  So she tells me the other day that she's ordered this photo to be printed onto a canvas.  I was shocked and flattered too!  My picture printed on canvas? Too cool!

So here's the original photo:

And here's the canvas version:

I like. :)


Yesterday, I discovered a turtle in our pool. I thought he wasn't alive at first, because usually when you walk outside, they dive underwater and you don't get to see them.  This guy was floating near the top and didn't move until I touched him with the net.  He wasn't that fast of a swimmer, so I was able to catch him and get him out of the pool.  I didn't want to just put him in the yard because the dogs might get him, or he'd wind up right back in the pool.  So I put him in a container and drove out to the pond.  I figured he'd be pretty happy there.

For Sure Not Now and Probably Not Ever...

I can finally put it to rest.  I thought I had months ago, but sometimes we don't realize what we're holding inside until someone comes along and pokes a hole in us.  But after three miserable days, I have an answer.  So that's that. I'll still have to deal with memories, but those will fade in time.  I hope anyway.

An old dream was resurrected, but now that it's dead for good, I can go back to my new dream.  The one that doesn't cause hurt and confusion.  I'm going to get there come hell or high water.  It may take me forever, but I will get there.

You Mean I Have to Make A Living?!?!

I started a new blog about finding the perfect career and job hunting. Check it out here.

A New Dream

Today I started thinking about where I want to live after college. It's something I've thought about before, but have always been overwhelmed by it, so just stopped thinking about it for now. Today I decided to let my mind wander. I'm reading a book set in South Carolina, near the coast. I guess it inspired me to find out more about that area. I've been to SC before, and it's gorgeous there. I have been wanting lately to live near the coast. I love the beach so much. I know I won't be able to afford beach front property, but just living near it would be amazing. I also want to be in a smaller town or just outside town. So I started looking at different coastal towns in SC. Eventually I started looking at houses and my mind went wild with possibilities. So here's what's shaped in my mind so far:

Picture a small house just off a quiet street. It's a pretty pastel color-maybe light blue or yellow-with white trim. There are flower pots and a rocking chair on the front porch. You can smell salt in the air and know you're close to the coast. Inside the colors are soft but bright. Lots of whites, blues, greens, pinks, and purples. The furniture looks like it has been there for fifty years, and while it doesn't all match, it compliments each other. There are accents from all over the world, and pieces I've collected over the years. Porcelain dolls from Austria, a tea pot from England, lace from Romania, sand in a jar from Florida, cowboy boots by the fireplace, black and white photographs of historic places, and pictures of friends and family. It feels comfortable and lived in. Two dogs nap on the couch. A cat wanders through the living room. The back yard is neat and shady with plenty of space to have a cookout. A hammock provides the perfect place to read or catch a nap. The house reflects all the facets of my personality and fits me perfectly.

I have a job that I enjoy doing. It may not seem exciting and full of drama to some people, but I make a difference and enjoy the work. I find a small-ish church that I love and get involved in. I make it down to the beach several times a week to walk the dogs or enjoy a sunset. I try to talk myself into running or going to a gym every once and a while. I take day trips to nearby historical towns to take pictures. In my spare time I'm working on my house or yard, or editing pictures, reading, or learning how to do something.

I envision a quiet kind of life, somewhat secluded until I establish relationships. I never thought I'd be happy living by myself, but it's becoming more and more desirable. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I would be free to make some decisions for myself, doing what's best for me at the time. It think it would be a time for me to grow a lot and get a good start in "the real world." Hopefully I would spend time growing in my relationship to God, finding lasting relationships with people, especially older women who could mentor me, and developing my character more.

Now, I know very well that all of this will not happen exactly like I want it to. That's why they call it a dream. But it is something I can work towards. I'm excited to finally have some direction now.

Commentary and Messages

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was time. I always have a myriad of things to say, but when I actually sit down to write, it escapes me. There are so many things through the day that I want to say. My mind is like a running commentary on the world around me and how it effects me. Take lunch today for example. I was in Austin working, and decided to go out to lunch instead of bringing my lunch with me. It breaks up the routine and honestly I was ready to get out of the office for a while. I finally found my way out of the sketchy part of town where I work, and went to a deli. I went inside, ordered food, and sat down at a table. Shortly my food came out and I began to eat. I was in just the right spot to watch people as they walked by, getting food and finding tables. So naturally I added commentary in my head.

I also did something I haven't done in a while. I got my plate, picked up my fork, and thought, "I need to say the blessing." I had already taken a bite. But then I thought, "What if I talk to God as I'm eating? Like I would do if I were eating with a friend." Now before you go thinking I got all spiritual and holier than thou during lunch, I'll clear things up for you. It wasn't earth shattering. The heavens didn't open up right there in Jason's Deli and shine down on me. It was more like a text message conversation between me and God. I shot him a few quick messages, and he even responded. Or, more accurately, I read his response. I had been having a craptastic morning (being Monday and all) and after that, my mood lifted a bit. I didn't skip outside, but I at least had enough peace to finish the day at work. I think it's a good start. Tomorrow I'm going to find another way to have a conversation. Perhaps we'll even progress to a phone call. :)

My Favorite Jeans

I'm trying out a new look for my blog. Not sure if I like it yet or not. Seems a little hard to read. Feedback?

I'm back in Mississippi right now. It always feels good to come back here. It's like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. It's comfortable and familiar. They're soft and worn-in, fitting perfectly in every way. I don't always wear my favorite pair of jeans, but I'll never throw them away. I'll pull them out every once and a while and remember all the memories that were made while wearing them.

Every time I think about it, It's like the realization hits me anew each time--I'm a senior. This is my last year of being a college student. Wow. I'm sad, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time. I know I'll be ready to move onto the next thing by next year, but for now I'm going to enjoy what's left.

This week was so tiring. I was almost to the point of burnout by the time it had ended. I worked every day but today, and helped at VBS at night. So there were a couple days I left at 7 and didn't get back home til 10 that night. That makes for a terribly long day. I don't when I have been so exhausted. One day at work I fell asleep at the computer! Not good. It didn't help that I kept finding unfriendlies (in the form of scorpions) in my room. Now, not much bothers me or freaks me out. Not snakes, bugs, rats, and even most spiders. But scorpions are a different things altogether. They are creeptastic. Ick. I wasn't so much of a chicken as not to fix the problem when it presented itself, but what I really wanted to do was stand on my chair and yell for my dad to come and kill it for me. I think he wouldn't have like that very much, because it was late at night, so I cowgirl-upped. Didn't have to like it though. So there were several things that made this week long. But I'm finally to the weekend and back in Mississippi.

Sunday starts the beginning of a grand adventure with my awesome friend/roomie! :) I'm so very excited for her to come and visit me in Texas. I plan on showing her some of the flavors of the area we live in and some Texas culture in general. Aside from that, we have girl-talk to catch up on. I've missed her, my sister, my other roomie, and all my amazing friends soooooo much already this summer. I depend on them to be there for me, and they always are. I love y'all so much.

I'd like you to keep someone in your prayers, as he is in mine. A very good friend is spending his summer in Peru, and could use prayers for his health, patience, guidance, and for him to be open for God to use him this summer. Whether he reaches one or one hundred, it will be all for God's glory.

Here's some MSU news for you: my brother will now be joining ranks as an official Bulldog this fall! I'm so happy he's decided to come here. Also, cowbells have been legalized in the stadium again. What an amazing year this is going to be!!!

But for now, let's enjoy what's left of summer. It may have its downs, but when else can you find that deeply warm feeling of the sun on your face, playing in the water wherever you can find it, riding with the windows down blaring the newest summer tune, lazy evenings grilling with the family, and late night talks in the humid air under the stars. All these things are priceless to me.

Redeeming Love

Last night I finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, you need to. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, 20 or 80. You need to read it. This is not your normal Christian fiction book. I wouldn't call it a pleasure read either, because as I was reading this book, I was convicted, and I cried. If you don't know anything about the book, I won't give anything away, but I'll tell you it's a story like that of Hosea in the Bible. I identified with Angel more than I would like to admit. I found in her my own weaknesses and vices, fears and doubts. I began to love Michael as she did, and have raised my standards quite a bit because of it. I don't know if there are guys like Michael in existence today, outside of fiction, but I've decided to wait and see. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes. Unconditional love has been something that I've known about, but never really seen an example that touched me like this book. It's amazing to me that every time we go back to our old, reckless, dirty ways, God comes to get us and waits for us to come back into His arms. I found a way back to God and to the forgiveness he offers freely if we only ask. I don't want to wander from Him again. I probably will, because I'm human, but knowing that He'll always be there with me is a feeling I can't describe. He loves me. Really loves me.

It struck me that there are two kind of loves. There's the love that you think is the real thing. You feel amazing when they are near you. You dismiss their faults, ignoring them when they come up and only looking at the good things. It's a love of convenience. You cling to them like they are the only thing that can give you happiness and worth. You would do anything to be with them, even things that aren't right. But in your mind, it's justified because you "love" them. When they leave, the hurt you feel is indescribable. It feels like your heart is sinking inside your body. You know you shouldn't feel like that but can't help it.

The other love is different. You still feel amazing when they're around. But that person isn't you sole source of happiness and worth. They add to it substantially, but both of you know that only God makes you whole and gives you worth. This is a love that lasts a lifetime, not just for a season. I don't know everything about this love, because I've never experienced it, but it is my goal.

Full Swing

Summer has gotten started. It's been good so far. I've worked a lot, which is both exciting and tiring. I'm not used to getting up so early, especially on the mornings when I have to be in Austin at 8:30. It's quite a commute. I don't mind it so much. It's time I get to think, listen to music, or listen to an audio book. At my internship at the Red Cross, I'm learning all that's involved in running a non profit organization. It's not just the front lines stuff that people see. There's a ton of stuff that goes on day-to-day that makes the first response in a disaster possible. I think I'm heading in the right direction as far as a career. I could get into this. While a good bit of it may be office work, there's new challenges every day. I doubt you'd encounter two days exactly alike.

My other job, the one that pays, is filling in at the vet clinic in town. We're good friends with the receptionist and the vet. It's been neat working there too, because in addition to the money, I get to talk to Doc. He's a very interesting man. He's super intelligent, and we have actual deep conversations. They're about random topics too. He likes to pick my brain, as he calls it.

I've been adding to my calendar steadily, but it's mostly work related. I'm not getting to go to concerts like I had hoped. I'm not sure why I bothered to look them all up and get excited about going. Surely I knew deep down that there wouldn't be anyone to go with me. I have successfully alienated, one way or another, anyone who I used to hang out with in Texas. One relationship shouldn't have even started, and it fell to pieces around me. I'm reeling with the consequences of that. The other, I'm not sure what happened. I guess I pissed them off. I honestly was a butt about some things and attempted to apologize in person and not on the internet, but wasn't given the time of day. I don't know what to do now. Nothing I guess. Obviously they want to be left alone. I guess all of that to say that I'm starting to feel a little lonely.

I'm excited about my roomie coming to see me though. She has never been to my house out here and I know we'll have an awesome week together. I need her friendship so badly! I don't know what I'd do without her. If only my other roomie could come, the week would be complete. I miss her too!

I've been all teary this evening. Not sure why exactly. Maybe I need a good cry. I'm getting that achy wanting in my chest again. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I probably couldn't explain it.

Venting

Why do we feel the need to vent to other people? Especially via social networking? When you've got a problem with someone or something, isn't there the tendency to update your status, tweet, or write a blog post about it? Even if you don't act on the impulse, surely it's there. Or maybe perhaps I'm generalizing. I know I have those tendencies. Just tonight, I was on Facebook (as usual) and I came across some things that aggravated issues that I've been dealing with. My first inclination was to update my status with some vague statement or song lyrics that I hoped one person in particular would read. Why would I do that? It seems absurd. I should be able to just tell that person what I think, but I don't often possess that ability.

I can usually express myself in writing, which is the main reason I have this blog. It's somewhere to let my thoughts loose. Some of those thoughts should be kept to myself I think. I sometimes forget that I'm not sending these posts out into thin air, but before the eyes of people, perhaps even people close to me. I should be careful what I say.

I had hoped when I started this blog, a little less than two years ago, that it wouldn't turn into a place where all I did was complain. Seems like lately that's what it's become. I'm going to work on that this summer. I want this to be a place where you might find encouragement, information, advice, or perhaps just someone you can relate to.

It seems that things get to me way to easily. Just seeing a name or picture can conjure up memories that I'd sooner forget than dwell on. Sometimes those memories aren't bad, but they're a reminder of things I've lost, people who have forgotten me, or things I've messed up. Not easy reminders at all.

Outside My Window

All is right in my world at the moment. I'm sitting on the deck of the condo we rented in Pensacola, Fl, drinking a Frappuccino and watching the sunset. The picture above is what I'm looking at right this moment. Just factor in the sound of the waves and the salty breeze coming off the water. My dad is grilling hamburgers on the deck too. Smells heavenly. It's going to be a great week with my family leading up to me little brother graduating. I can hardly believe he's old enough to graduate and go to college this year. I'm hoping we get to hang out a good bit this summer before he goes off and forgets about his big sis. He's pretty cool most of the time. We went for a walk on the beach last night. It was fun just goofing off and talking. He thought it was entertaining watching me avoid the ghost crabs. Those things kinda creep me out. They look like spiders.

Things I love about the beach:

The smell of the air- It's salty and humid.

The sound of the waves- The gentle roar is a constant reminder of where you are.

Sand- As much as I don't like it all in my bathingsuit, I do like it under my feet. And I love that it's pure white.

Relaxing atmosphere- When I'm at the beach, I'm almost never in a hurry. Life is better when it's slowed down a notch every now and then.

Great pictures- Hopefully, I'll get a chance to take some great pictures while we're here.

Great food- Grilled food, seafood, desserts, and popcicles are some of the great food we have at the beach.

Time to think- Usually this is a good thing. Sometimes not at first, but after I take the time to work through all my thoughts and feelings, I always feel a great deal better.

Time to write- As I'm doing now, I try to take time to write while I'm here. Life gets busy and I don't have too much time during the school year.

Possible para-sailing?- Maybe... :)

Because I Love Her

Please check this out. It's from a friend of mine's blog. It's a great reminder for us.

Because I Love Her

Starkville minus Classes!

I finished finals last Wednesday, but didn't go home right away because I'm going to the beach with my family on Sunday, and it would be pointless to drive to Texas, only to turn around a week later and go to Florida. My two best friends moved in with us last week too, so we spend the week getting things settled. And probably the best reason was to relax and de-stress from the semester. It has been really great.

The end of the semester is really bittersweet. It's sad seeing all my friends going in different directions for the next three months. Some are headed to internships all over the country, others are headed home, and some are headed to different countries. It's exciting because of the opportunities and I know we'll all meet back up in Starkville once the summer is over. So good luck to all of you and vaya con Dios!

I'm excited about spending a week at the beach with my family. My brother is graduating from high school on the fifteenth, so we're going to spend a week together celebrating that and my mom's retirement. No more chirens to teach. I love the beach and I love my family, so it will be an amazing week!

Finally

Finals week is here and all the stress and frustration that accompany it. Yesterday and today were pretty crazy. Amidst studying for finals, we were moving in two new roommates. Exciting to have new roommates, but moving is always a pain. It's much better now that they are semi settled. Tonight is the first night with all of us in the house. This is going to be a good thing.

Not unusual for me, I was disappointed again tonight. This seems to be a recurring theme with the summer coming up... I got news that the lake trip that we take with the college and career class at church is canceled. I really look forward to this trip every summer. It usually winds up being the highlight of my summer. This year will be different. A few people in the group decided to have a third lake trip in September (which I can't go to because I'll be at school). This was originally in addition to the June and August trips. Well, from what little I've heard, a couple of people decided it would be too expensive and canned the June trip. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure this was the decision of like, two people. I don't guess the rest of us matter enough to contribute to decisions like that.

This Sunday school class has meant the world to me the past few years. I have loved the fellowship and the teaching that I've received from it. But in the last year, things have started to change dramatically. I don't feel so much a part of it anymore. I know I live away during the semester, but for the past three summers I've been there. I come every time I can. It seems like other people have replaced me now, and I resent it. I know it's not really like that, and that's a petty way to look at it, but that's the way it feels. I'm loosing yet another place where I felt like I belonged. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

I feel like I've totally lost my place in the church. When I'm at school, I go to the service on Sunday mornings, but I don't feel like it's my church home. I don't feel like I can get too involved because I'll be gone in a year. When I'm back in Texas, it doesn't feel like that's my church home either because though I know people there, they could care less that I've been gone, or that I'm back. I used to think that the college and career class was my place, but even they don't care so much anymore. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I hate that I have these feelings of resentment and bitterness. I'm downright angry at times. Sometimes I don't even know why. Everything's out of place and I hate it. Everything and everyone I lean on either falls to pieces or disappears. I get my hopes up and am constantly let down. I hope for a sign that someone wants me and it never comes. I look for a place to be wanted and there's nowhere for me. The very time when I need it most, no one's around. Sometimes it even feels like God's not listening to me. Why should he after all I've said and done? I know the churchy answer to this, but that's just not cutting it right now. Those things come across at trite and almost condescending.

The Guy's Guide to Girls: Part One

Ok guys, y'all are always talking about how girls are so complicated and how you don't understand us. Maybe this will help. Here are a few helpful hints from the female world. Take it to heart, then USE IT. Girls, feel free to comment and add more. Thanks to my anonymous girl friends who contributed to this post.

If hanging out is to be done, it will not be suggested by me. You must act like you want to see me.

If I'm giving one-word answers it means one of three things: 1) I'm busy and really don't want to talk right now, 2) I don't know what to say, 3) I'm mad at you. Fix it.

We want to know that you think about us. It takes something as simple as "I miss you" or "You've been on my mind today" or "I can't wait to see you."

Nothing hurts more than being cheated or forgotten. Avoid at all costs.

Don't think you can fix everything. The dryer or car? Yes. My issues? Probably not. I need support, space, and time.

I understand you're busy and so am I, but when you can spend all day procrastinating homework, you can spend a little bit of time with me. You make time for the things you care about. When you don't make time for me, I feel like you don't care about me.

Don't talk much about exes. Yours or mine. The past should stay right where it is-in the past.

If you want to talk to me, text or call. Don't expect me to initiate all the time.

Having long, drawn out conversations over text is OBNOXIOUS.

We have no idea what you're thinking. We are always wondering what you're thinking. Make it easy and tell us if we ask.

Do not say things that you don't mean. Even though you think we want to hear it, later when we find out it wasn't true, we'll never forget it. Tell me the truth.

If you like me, be a man and tell me so.

Don't lie. We WILL find out.

Don't diss our friends or family. Not cool.

Unless you tell us specifically not to tell our best friend, we probably will. We talk about everything to those closest to us. It's how we operate.

Actually listen when we talk. If you keep asking the same questions over and over again, we will get annoyed.

It's ok to act like you like me if we're dating. It won't kill you to hold my hand. I won't protest.

You will make my day if you send me a good morning message.

When I say I don't want to talk about something, I probably mean it. Don't push the issue.

When I do want to talk about it, I'll probably mutter something then say "I don't know..."

When you ask me if I'm ok, and I say "I'm fine," I am not fine. Pretty much anything other than good (accompanied with a smile), great, fabulous, or spectacular means I'm not fine.

My heart melts when I hear you talk about your relationship with God or hear you pray. Definitely do that. Frequently.

Tell me, with words, out loud, that I'm special to you and that you care about me.

You-messed-up Flowers: good. Just-because Flowers: even better.

A hug never hurt anybody.

It's ok for you to ask me questions.

Chivalry is never dead in a girl's mind. Opening doors and holding out chairs gets you bonus points.

Treat me like a lady.

Though I may be a girl, I'm not as fragile as you think.

Don't badger me into doing something I don't want to do.

Even if we "hang out," a real date would be nice.

Don't get mad at me for things that you do all the time.

I'm willing to play sports, watch action movies, and do other things you like to do. Do something I like to do once and a while without me having to pull your leg or guilt you into it.

If I'm trying to do something, don't automatically swoop in and do it for me. I can do things for myself. If I ask for help, that's a different story.

A girl loves to hear that she's beautiful every once in a while.

Apathy

Being apathetic is a pathetic way to be, according to Relient K. But that's where I find myself tonight. I suppose it's a product of the end of the semester and summer-itis. I'm tired of dealing with stuff.

After exams next week, I'll spend the following week doing stuff around the house getting ready for my roomies to movie in. Then I'm headed to the sunshine state for a week. I can't wait. It'll be good time with family, and time to myself. I can detox from the baggage I've been carrying around and maybe get some clarity and peace. Then I'll be ready for a summer. A good summer. I wanna work and travel some this summer. We'll see what opportunities open up.

I bought a Love and Theft album the other day. One $8 on iTunes. It's really good. It's country, but not honky tonk country. It's also got Christian themes in it. Good stuff. Check out this song.

I finished two projects today after tracking tornadoes that were everywhere this morning. Kinda scary, but I didn't freak out like I normally do. Probably because 1) I couldn't hear the sirens, 2) I had my weather friends checking up on me and giving me info and 3) I was able to know where the tornadoes were from the internet and tv. So it was kinda exciting.

Only three finals separating me from summer. Yee haw.

Unsettled

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
But I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
"Near to You"- A Fine Frenzy

Still bummed about summer plans falling through. I've been in a weird mood today. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. Still reeling over past hurts. Not sure what to do about that except try to forget.

On one hand, I want someone. Terribly. On the other, I don't want anyone. Because if I don't "have" anyone, I won't have to worry about getting hurt or hurting someone else. And I can do my own thing. But that's neither here nor there.

No Emo

I haven't gone off my rocker and gotten all emo and clinically depressed. It was a bad week is all. When things don't pan out, even the best of us can get upset. The weekend was good, so that helped me get over things. Three more days and I'm done with class, then three exams and I'm home free for the summer.

Rejected

I heard back from the Nicaragua trip. I wasn't selected. I had my hopes up that I would get picked to go. I didn't really entertain the thought that I wouldn't get to. I almost wish I had doubted that more because when I got news today, it was a hard letdown. At least I heard it from a friend first. That made it a little better because he tried to make me feel better about it. I could go down there for a week just to visit, see some sights, and get acquainted with the culture. I might do that, I don't know yet.

It's really hard to be rejected like that. It's happened to me a few times before. Whether it be rejection from a job or position, or from a person, it's really hard for me to deal with that. To know that you and your qualities and qualifications were lined up next to other people's and you weren't good enough is really hard to take. I strive to do the best I can, and end up not making the cut. It makes me not want to try anymore. Not just with stuff like the Nicaragua thing, but with relationships as well. I've been rejected and that's not something I can bounce back from easily. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do. It seems like everything I set my heart to completely comes undone. Everything I strive so hard for and want so badly slips through my fingers.

I can sense feelings rising that plagued me last semester. I cannot afford to go back to that again. But right now I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a long time. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them. I want to shut down.

No Time!

I've been meaning to post for a while. But I don't have much time, so here's the short version.

I got Photoshop! Exciting! I'm still loving my photography class. We're doing portraits next week. Kind of a challenge.

I am a drama queen. I don't like that. I shall seek to change that. Yuck. Also, 95% of my drama is boy-related.

I've been working out. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but it's a means to an end. That end being a little black swimsuit that came in the mail the other day. Also, looking fabulous all around. ha ha.

One full week of classes left. Wow. The semester has been pretty great, but kinda short.

I have the summer bug. I'm so ready.

I haven't heard if I'm going to Nicaragua yet or not. I'm getting nervous/impatient. I'm supposed to hear sometime this week.

That's all I have time for. I'm off to study astronomy. Yay. (That was an un-enthusiastic yay, btw.)

Just Don't Want Coffee

This song pretty much describes how I've been feeling as of late.

Just Don't Want Coffee
by Caedmon's Call

Though I am small I've seen things far beyond these city walls
The land is flat and it rolls for miles
I don't know much I know I've many places yet to see
I know I've been here for a while
Wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I'm back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I've no ideas of what to do
'Cause something's changed today
And what it is I just can't say
And if I don't seem okay, well I'm okay

(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don't want coffee tonight
Back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
Now we've been friends since we were young
But all our conversations are hitting walls we can't ignore
We can hide but we can't run
And I can't run from you
Or what we've run into
Now regardless what I choose, we both lose
(repeat chorus)

It must be getting late
Where's my head
Where is my head
Where is my head
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I've made
Funny that's what I've been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can't change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I'd explain to you what you could never understand
And how I'd keep my mind from you
But that's the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today's another day and it's okay

(repeat chorus)

I think I need some rest
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head

Figgity

I can't seem to sit still this afternoon. Since it's Easter Sunday and the family is here, we decided to take a break and use today to rest. Yesterday we worked around the house doing various jobs and projects. Today after going to church and cooking a delicious dinner, we sat in the living room and talked and watched tv. I almost fell asleep several times (surprise, surprise) but never quite got there. Now I'm figgity and can't sit still. I looked for the book I'm in the middle of reading, but can't find it anywhere. It's probably hiding from me with my iPod. In the process of searching my shelves for the lost literature, I came across a notebook that I used to write in over the summer and last fall. I perused the pages reading thoughts from the past. Not sure that's always a wise thing to do, but I did it nevertheless. It did not, however, cure my figgiting. Possibly added to it.

My mom brought me an audio book. It's called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. She's not my most favoritest person ever, but my mom said this was definitely worth listening to. So I'll let you know how that goes.

M*A*S*H is quite a good tv show. I like watching reruns on Hallmark.

I'm bored, yet don't have much to say. At least not that I wish to say on here.

Adios.

In Song

I've tried for the last little bit to find a song that perfectly fits my mood/situation perfectly, but I can't seem to find one that's just right. Maybe it's a combination of a few songs. Perhaps I'll try to find the right combination.

Here's some song lyrics that seem to fit right now:

Guinevere- Eli Young Band
She carries memories around like souveniers down in her pockets
Should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
For as much as she's stumbled, she's runnin'
For as much as she runs, she's still here
Always hopin' to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Nobody's Baby- Reckless Kelly
You've always been a little scared to open your heart
And you never let anybody take it too far
You never let 'em on the inside
'Cause you're always scared of gettin' taken for a ride

You're nobody's baby
You're nobody's darlin'
You're nobody's girl

Everybody wants you but you don't wanna care
So you keep 'em at a distance with the frown you wear
Spend your time tryin' to even the score
And you've got it in your head you deserve a lot more

Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't
It's so complicated

Mi Vida Loca- Pam Tillis
If you're comin' with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two weels
It's a never ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi vida loca, over and over
Destiny turn on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Free to Be Me- Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Chicken and Biscuits

A few lyrics:

Lord have mercy here she comes
Behind the wheel of a pickup truck
Mud slingin'
She's singin'
Country girl just doin her thing and
Ain't nothin like a backwoods baby
Drive my tractor, drive me crazy
Likes huntin'
Loves fishin'
And she can hold her own in the kitchen
And by the way boys, did I mention

She's pretty as a field of daisies
She's sweeter than watermelon wine
Way hotter than the Alabama asphalt
And when I get her in these arms of mine
Lord have mercy, I love her kisses
Man, I cant get enough
Kinda like chicken and biscuits

She can rock them high heel shoes
But she'd rather wear cowboy boots
Cut off jeans and a baseball hat
City girls can't do it like that
Sunday mornin' rolls around
In the choir is where she's found

Chicken and Biscuits- Colt Ford

That song makes me smile. I'm going through a country phase. I miss being home around the horses and cows. I miss riding horses, and back roads, and Texas country on the radio.

I was looking at bikes today. I want to own one eventually, but I should probably start with learning how to ride. Hopefully I can do that this summer.

This summer, I pretty much want to do everything I can't do in Starkville. Ride horses and bikes, learn to shoot better, and maybe a little fishing. I haven't done that in forever.

The weekend was good because I got to rest some. It meant missing out on some socializing, but it was worth it to preserve the little sanity I have left. Yeah, I know. It's not much.

I'm fed up with drama, once again. Mine and other people's. Life should be simple. Thoughts and feelings should translate easily to other people and there shouldn't be any discrepancy between what people want. Sadly, it's not that way. It's neither simple nor easy. Sigh.

That's all for tonight.

Rethinking

I keep meaning to post the few things that I've been thinking about lately, but haven't gotten a chance to sit down and organize all my thoughts. This is as good a time as any, so even if it's not totally organized, I'm going to get it down before I forget. You are most likely used to my randomness and disconjointed thoughts if you know me much at all or have been following my blog for any period of time. So here goes.

On the way home from spring break, I borrowed an audio recording of C. S. Lewis reading his book The Four Loves. It took a little over two hours to listen to, but seeing as I was on an 11 hour drive, it was a welcome distraction. In those two hours, I listened to the common sense approach that is typical of Lewis as he explained the differences and nuances of the four different types of love: storge, which Lewis defines as affection; philia, friendship; eros, romantic love; and agape, charity or unconditional love. I think people, including me, very often confuse the different types of love, never acknowledging that there are different loves and lumping them into one big catagory. I think it causes problems because the loves are so different and require different thoughts, feelings, and actions to accompany them. I definitely recommend you listen or read this book. I plan on listening to it again and making notes to post on here. It challenged some notions I had and I'd like to share that.

Two words I never thought I'd put together: country rapper. Check it out here.

And I forgot pretty much everything else I was going to talk about. Perhaps topics for another post.

Breaking

Spring break got off to a great start. I spent the weekend at the beach with friends. It was crazy windy the two days we were there, but it's the beach, it was still great. We watched the sunset and sunrise one day. That was pretty spectacular. Very good times indeed.

I can always think of lots of topics to cover when I'm not actually sitting at the computer. I need a more convenient way to keep up with my thoughts. I'm going to post random thoughts anyway.

I could definitely see myself living in Florida after college. It would be awesome to have a place not far from the beach (because I could never afford waterfront property). I could go to the beach almost every day to watch the sunset. I could ride my bike (when I get enough money to buy one) down the coastal roads. Working down there would be great. Hmm. Maybe I'll tuck that dream away for a while and see what comes.

I was in the kitchen tonight helping/watching my mom cook supper. Before long, my sister came to join us. I love the times we have together cooking and whatnot in the kitchen. We're all relaxed and talk about many different things. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes we're cracking up. The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for good food and great conversation. We should do that more often.

I feel that free spirited mood coming to the surface. Not rebellion really, because I'm not rebelling against anyone or anything, but rather it's an independence and determination. It's hard to explain. I kinda get an attitude, a tough girl attitude. I'm not sure it's such a good thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure what it's stemming from either. We'll see though. I am dying my hair red tomorrow...well, highlights anyway.

It bothers me when I can't understand people's motives. I don't profess to be good at reading people, but I generally have an idea where people fit into my life. I don't like it when I can figure that out.

My time management skills have been sorely lacking as of late. I need to work on that. Prioritize a little bit better. Perhaps the break will help get things back in focus.

And now it's bedtime. G'night all.

Sunny Days

This week has been great, despite the fact it rained several days and that I had lots to do. Monday was absolutely gorgeous and I spent all afternoon outside. It was amazing. I like cold weather, but I'm ready for springtime and sunshine, flip-flops and shorts. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spring break officially started for me at 3:50 p.m. today. I'm going to spend several days at the beach with some of my closest friends. It's going to be awesome. Then next week I get to go home and be with my family. All of us under one roof! That hasn't happened since Christmas. Sometimes growing up is good, but other times not so fun, as in this case. But next week will be great. I really need a break. I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks on end. I want to do nothing but relax on the beach and soak in the sun. And maybe talk to people too. :)

I finally got my act together last weekend and got things settled. Instead of being worried and scared about things, I'm excited to see where this new relationship goes. It's great so far. There will be some trials during the summer due to distance, but we'll handle that when we get to it. Right now It's all good. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

Internal Disagreement

My heart says one thing, my head another. Why can they not agree? Which one should I listen to? One is right, one is wrong--but which one is it?

Doubts and Fears

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.

D-Now

This past weekend a group of students from State led a Disciple Now at Agricola Baptist Church. I was asked to lead a group of 9th grade girls. I was nervous about it at first because I've never lead a Bible study group. A friend of mine was helping organize, so I decided to help her out. So we all met at the BSU on Friday and caravanned to Lucedale. Because we had a trailer attached to one of the vehicles, we had to go slower so the trip too about 4 hours. Once we got there and got set up, we ate and then went to worship. I really wasn't prepared for this weekend. As a result, our first small group session didn't go very well. I felt like I was stumbling over my words, repeating myself, and the girls weren't really contributing. I was pretty disappointed. My and my co-leader decided to prepare better for the next session. It went much better, so I felt a little more effective. Saturday night and Sunday morning's sessions were probably the best. I finally felt like the girls were listening to what we said.

I think I learned more this weekend than the girls did. I was faced with how far I've gotten from my first love and from the joy of being a Christian. How I ever thought I could do things on my own, I don't know. I have zero power to make things happen in my life. When I try to run things, I get myself into huge messes. When I finally give up and come back to God, head hung low with tears streaming down my face, He accepts me back, comforts me, and starts to work things out in my life for good, just as He's promised me. I realized that I need to lay aside my fears and insecurities and trust God to work things out. He delights in giving us good things. He wants us to have good things in our lives. So if we let Him, He'll work things out for our best. I've got to hold onto that and not try to make things work the way I want them to.

Zipline

Today was a good day. A very good day. I decided to be brave and get over some pretty deep insecurities and fears I had about being in a relationship again. I can't say it was easy at first, but I really think my fears are irrational. It will be different this time. I kinda felt like I had stepped off the tower of a zipline this afternoon. There was the feeling you get when you're free-falling for that moment until the wire catches you and you begin to move forward. I think this is going to be a pretty amazing ride, and I guess I'll have to wait and see where I wind up. Wherever that may be, I want it to be all for God's glory and not my own.

Bright Picture

These past few weeks have been pretty great, an overall bright picture with few dark spots. I've had great times with friends lately. It seems that last semester, my friendships were tested, at times to their limits. But this semester seems to be a time when friendships are growing and deepening. I am so very thankful for my close friends. I have gained a new friendship from this past summer and it is awesome getting to know her and talk more with her. She's so precious. Other friends are still relatively new as well, but I feel as though I've known them for a long time. Yet others are "old" friends, but the relationship is deepening and widening. This is incredible to me as well. So, you know who you are, and I love y'all!

I have more to say, but it's sleepytime. So, until next post, I bid thee farewell and a good night/day. Adios.

The Road Paved with Good Intentions

No wonder I have a problem making decisions. Every time it's left up to me to decide something that effects other people, I'm bound to make the wrong one. I try to make everyone happy and wind up making everyone ticked off instead. It's enough to make an otherwise optimistic girl cynical at times. My intention tonight was two-fold: to spend time with one friend, while at the same time cheering another one up. I figured that it would work since all those participating were friends and hung out together. Apparently I was wrong. What resulted was the one friend getting ticked off at me and the other even less cheery than before. I'm no good at this relationship thing, whether it be friends or guys. I try and try and try to make things work, be the mediator, make peace with people, and I wind up getting stomped to death in the process.

On another slightly depressing note, it's kinda a downer when you have an idea to do something that you'd enjoy and think other people might enjoy, only to find out that nobody wants to do it with you. And I mean not even one person. This one's too busy, that one doesn't have enough cash, and still another just thinks it isn't that great of an idea to start with. There's a movie I want to see, but no one else wants to see it. Ok, so I'll go by myself. Not a big deal. I wanted to go to the rodeo, but everyone else thought that was pretty lame. (Thanks to an awesome friend, I didn't have to go all by myself though.) I wanted to go skiing so bad for spring break, but yet again it was a flop. The one person who would have gone, found other more willing participants, and is going this week. Gee, thanks. I don't mind doing things myself every once and a while, but it gets old. I do things that other people want to do all the time, even if it's not particularly my favorite. But for them to return the favor, well, it just doesn't happen. BUT, if I do wind up doing something own my own, away from the crowd, I get heckled for that too! I just don't get it...

I'm such a contradiction. I love the beach and the mountains. I wear pearls with leather jackets. I like boots and converse and heels. I enjoy a rodeo as much as a book or play. I like classical music and country music. One set of interests and abilities work well with someone, but my other interests and abilities clash. But take the opposite person and it's the same thing in reverse. It always seems to be a point of contention. Sometimes I think it's nearly impossible to find the person that compliments me. Sure, I can compliment other people well, but I always seem to be lacking something.

Advice and Experiences

Recently I've come across several people having some issues with relationships. Goodness knows this is common, and I've had my share of ups and downs just like anyone else. I think that sometimes things aren't talked about enough. It's really important for Christians to share experiences and advice with each other so that we can learn and grow from others. First, I want to say that if anybody has a problem and wants someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not can help in every situation, but I can be a sounding board. Second, I want to share what I've learned from the things I've been through. I especially want to write to encourage my girls who might be reading this. This is written mostly for girls, because I am one, so that's where my experiences have come from. If there are any guys out there reading this, you may certainly continue, and hopefully you'll get a little insight into the female mind. This might be a tad random, however, because I'm writing as things come to mind.

So, girls, when a guy first starts paying attention to you, watch out! I have been in several situations where I'm going merrily on my way when it suddenly comes to my attention that I have an admirer. This might sound really shallow, but I want to be as honest and as transparent as I can be. Some of the time, I haven't even noticed the guy until he starts paying attention to me. That's not a bad thing. What isn't so great is that I start liking him, not because of what a great guy he is, but because he's giving me the time of day. I'm attracted to the attention. I know it sounds shallow, but I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. This is a big thing especially if there are doubts and fears about the way I look or about my future. Sometimes I can be really insecure and a guy's attention makes me feel better about myself. I'm not saying that you should write off every guy who pays attention to you. Just make sure you find out his character before you go giving your heart to him. Make sure he's worth it.

That brings me to a second thought: Don't give yourself away too quickly. I have a big problem with this. I get very attached to people, very quickly. It's just the kind of personality I have. I have a big heart and see right away the good in people. This is a good way to be, but can also lead to trouble if I'm not careful. There have been several times in the past where I have revealed way too much, way too quickly. I get comfortable with a guy, and we have great conversations, but I wind up saying too much. I'm too quick to tell my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. It's good to be real with people, but if you aren't very careful, they can use that openness against you. Sometimes it's not intentional, yet other times it is. Make very sure that the guy you're talking to is worth you sharing your heart with. Make sure that he isn't going to use the information you share against you.

It's not just shared information that's come back to bite me in the butt, but also emotions. This is a huge thing for me. I'm going to talk to the guys for a minute. Please realize that every sweet thing you say to us, every simple touch, does a number on our hearts and emotions. You have no idea what "you looked very pretty today" or touching our hand does. It's incredibly powerful. Again, these aren't bad things, but please realize what it does, and make sure your intentions match the gesture. Nothing hurts worse that remembering all the beautiful words and gestures, only to realize that in the end it meant nothing at all, that it was only a ploy to get to us. The hurt that brings is hard to describe. It's a lot like a knife being stabbed in the chest. I don't wish that on anyone.

So girls, be really careful to guard your hearts against this. The guy you give your heart and emotions to needs to be worthy of that, because it's a precious thing to share. We are such emotional beings that we do lots of things to get the love and affection we crave. I know the struggle that goes on in our hearts and minds when we are faced with a difficult dilemma. There's a struggle to remain pure and save everything until you are at the point where you give all you have to offer to that amazing guy, and having that need for acceptance and affection. There are times when I crave physical touch, something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold. It's so hard to think when you're in the moment, right there with him. So decide where your boundaries are and what's acceptable way before you're even faced with this decision. I have been in those situations and there were times where I didn't make good choices because I didn't think about it before I was put in a tough spot. There were other times it saved me from a world of heartache.

Be sure not to put yourself in awkward spots. I always thought I would be fine, but like I said, in the moment it's totally different! I know you've heard this from your moms or Sunday school teachers, and so have I. Of course, being the stubborn thing I am, I didn't listen half the time. So much awkwardness could have been avoided. So listen!

Guys, back to you. Don't put her in those situations! Man up and decide that you're going to take the lead in being right in a relationship. Tell her up front what's acceptable and what's not. Don't make her do it all the time. Society says that guys can't control themselves and it's up to the girl to say no. Bull hockey. You are decent human beings and can control yourselves. Be a man and don't back out of having hard or awkward conversations with a girl. Most of us don't bite...too hard, anyway.

Girls, although we crave that attention, don't sacrifice everything to get it. Demand to be treated the way you should be. Don't play second fiddle to work, another girl, or a guys whims. You are so precious and deserve the best. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they don't realize what they've done or not done even bothers us. So kindly inform him. It's ok to be real with guys and let them know what's going on. Be straight with them. If it's killing you that he's not making a decision, talk to him about it. Don't be nagging or whiny about it. Be a woman and clearly and explicitly (but kindly) tell him what's on your mind. Guys hate guessing and trying to figure out what we want, so tell them.

Don't let your insecurities or fears be the driving force in a relationship. That's what God is for. He's there to be your strength and substance. A guy is only there to compliment what an incredible person you are. If you can't serve God better with that guy, then you need to look harder at that relationship and maybe move on to where God wants you to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I certainly don't know it all. In fact, some people reading this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "She doesn't even practice what she preaches!" That's true. In the past, I haven't followed a lot of the things I've mentioned. I have learned from those mistakes, however, and am trying my best to do differently in the future. My heart's desire is to follow Christ and somewhere along the way meet the guy who has that same desire, who can walk along with me to serve Him better.

I wish I could take all my friends and save them from any hurt that might come their way. I can't, anymore than those close to me wish they could do the same for me. But hopefully my experiences will shine a new light on things, and help you in some way or another. At the very least I hope it was interesting reading. Au revoir.

On an Even Keel

Life has been going pretty good lately. Nothing terrible has happened and nothing terribly exciting either. I'm on an even keel. It's pretty nice, actually. I'm really enjoying it. School isn't too much to handle right now. My friends are awesome and I'm enjoying hanging out with them and getting to know some of them better. I've given up some of the worries that had plagued me last semester and it's really freeing. I've been happier this semester than I've been in a while, and I think it's due to many things, but mostly a change in attitude. I have given up trying to manipulate things to make them work out the way I want them to. While I cannot control my life, I know the One who can.

I had hoped to write more, because I have more to say, but the late hour has effected my ability to think and write. So I'm off to sleep!