Uphill

I was embarrassed by one of my professors today. It was not too much fun. It really upset me, and I really hope he doesn't do it again. Being embarrassed like that kinda made my day go from not-the-greatest to worse. But after going to my last class of the day, a class where my professor is awesome and doesn't make people feel like idiots, I was in a somewhat better mood.

My photography class is going really well. It's my favorite class. I've always loved taking pictures and now I'm learning the skills to take much better ones. I think I have finally found my niche, my "thing." I have to say that makes me really happy, because for so long I've felt like there really wasn't that thing about me that made me stand out. My brother is amazingly talented with music and fencing. My sister has an awesome ability to accomplish so much, and she's athletic and talented with animals. I didn't really have that one thing that I did well. I think maybe photography can be that thing.

So, my mood improved much more after attending my first photography club meeting. I didn't know anyone there, besides my professor, so it was a tad awkward at first, but when we went out shooting, it was pretty great. I got some tips on how to shoot outside at night. The results of my little excursion are posted on Facebook if you're interested.

After shooting until my fingers were numb from the cold, I got a message to join my friends at Subway. Then we all went to "The Abacus," as it's called, to watch the end of the MSU vs. Arkansas basketball game. We didn't win, but hanging out with my friends is always awesome. They're pretty cool people. I almost never want to go home, but sadly, some people have classes on Friday (but not me! ;)

Me!

This is me.  I'm not apologizing anymore for the way I am.  It's my personality, my characteristics, my likes and dislikes, and my quirks.  I like me.  If you don't, that's ok too. Take it or leave it.  I'm fine with you disagreeing, but don't expect me to change just because I don't agree with you.  So many times I try to change myself just to suit other people, but it never works.  The people who love exactly how I am are the people who belong in my life. 

I'm short.  I like being short.  It's never an issue for me, though it seems to bother other people sometimes.  I can wear fabulously high heels.  I love shoes.  All kinds, but especially heels.  Three inches plus, please.  I'm blond with red highlights.  Forget all the stereotypes about blonds.  I don't fit those.  Ok, so I have blond moments, but everyone does, no matter what color your hair is.  I love the red in my hair.  It gives it depth and spunk and personality.  I have hazel eyes that sometimes change depending on what I'm wearing.  I love when they're blueish green and bright green.  My favorite things about my appearance are my eyes, my hair (some days), and my legs.  Random, I know.  I also like randomness and the variety it adds to my life.

I'm part southern belle, part rock and roll, and lots country.  I grew up in a place that was 15 minutes from a loaf of bread, as my dad would say.  A fur piece from town.  I loved it and someday I hope to go back to living that way.  For now, I get as close as I can to that.  Being outside and hearing only sounds that belong to nature is pretty much the most amazing thing ever.  You can't beat it.  I love walking out my door at night and being able to see a multitude of stars shining so bright.  Every sunset I see never fails to amazes me.  I love to appreciate what God has made. 

I'm pretty much a walking contradiction.  I like to dress up, but I like to get dirty too.  I'm quiet and shy, but also crazy and loud.  I'm really sweet, but also really sarcastic.  I like plays, orchestras, and museums, but also guns, fireworks, and 4-wheelers.  I can be the happiest person in the room, or the moodiest.  I have an immense capacity for compassion, but can also shut down and pull away from people.

I love to read Christian fiction and classics.  Fiction is my favorite though.  I like books that grab your attention and force you to stay up until 3am if you have to in order to find out what happens at the end.  I like books where the characters face problems similar to mine, and come out better for it in the end. I've loved to read since I was little.  My mother taught me to read and instilled in me a love for books that stems from her own.  I hope to teach my children to read and give them that same devotion to reading.

I have singular focus when it comes to something I'm invested in.  I go at it with everything I've got.  This applies to relationships, hobbies, or goals.  Some people would say this is good, some bad, and some indifferent.  I'm indifferent I guess.  It's good sometimes, not so good others, but it's how I am.  I have incredible passion and can't give anything less.  This intensity and commitment will pay off someday.  Of that I'm sure.

I have several quirks or pet-peeves.  I can't stand for the egg carton in the refrigerator to be unbalanced.  I don't take from just one side, I take equally from both sides.  Or equally from the center.  Also, I can't stand for the toilet paper to unroll from the bottom.  I like when people bounce their leg.  It's soothing, I think because my dad does that a lot.  I do it too.  Motion puts me to sleep.  I cannot, absolutely cannot stand when people mispronounce the word "figure."  They say "figger."  No.  It's "figUre."  Also "nuclear" as "nucular."  Wrong.  Learn how to speak, please.

People think I'm a quiet, shy good little girl when they first meet me.  While I guess that's true sometimes, it's not a complete picture of me.  I can be a little firecracker when I choose to be.

There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life.  I want to get my private pilot's license.  I want to learn to ride a dirt bike, then a motorcycle, and eventually own one.  Not a Harley or anything, but a sport bike.  Like the Honda CBR6000.  I want to visit all 50 states and as many countries in the world that I can.  Especially Italy.  I've always wanted to go there for some reason.  Which leads to another thing I want to do: Drive a Lambourghini Spyder.  Ah-mazing.  (I like to go fast.)  I want to learn to crochet.  I want to read over 150 books in one year (my record is 100, I believe).  I want to learn how to shoot better.  Go hunting a little more.  I want to be an amazing wife and mother. I want to have a job where I make a difference to people.  I don't want to just blend in the background.

 

Driving, Thinking, and Freezing

I finally made it back to Starkville. I drove home Friday, amid below-freezing temperatures. I didn't encounter any problems because of it, just cold air and a few flurries once I hit Jackson. I love cold weather, but even this is a little cold for me. When you feel like your face is going to freeze off before you make it to the car, it's a little much. Of course, if it were snowing, and if I was somewhere I could ski, you wouldn't hear any complaining out of me.  I was trying to get together a ski trip for spring break, but it seems to be falling though. I'll probably give up and find something else to do. If it weren't dumb to go alone, I would.

The drive back wasn't too bad. I had the four poochies with me, two in the front and two in the back. But it was pretty much uneventful. Well, except for getting pulled over cause I crossed the white line. He just pulled me over to check (probably to see if I was drunk lol) and then said "Have a safe trip!" and I went on my merry way. He was very nice, which was good. I wasn't in the greatest mood though. I allowed myself to take the 11 hours and think about some stuff. I think I got it mostly out of my system, for now at least. I get my hopes up about things, and when I'm disappointed, I go through this process to work it out. First, I'm sad, then I get upset, then angry, and finally indifferent. Usually at the end, I've worked through it and can move on. Hopefully it will turn out that way this time, because I went through all those phases on the drive back. I'm pretty sure I'll get a text message in the next few days and will have to deal with it more. I'm not really looking forward to that...

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Not as many, nor as bad as some people, but it's been painful nonetheless. It seems to be a recurring theme that I get attached to someone, and they don't get so attached to me. But they pay me attention and say nice things to me, so I get jerked back and forth thinking they really do care about me. And maybe they do to some level, but it never seems to be to the level that I do. It's really disappointing. I invest so much time and energy, so much of myself into these dead-end relationships. Because of all this, now I'm scared to death to invest myself into other potential relationships. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that guys aren't out to get me and don't mean to hurt me, it's just an unwanted casualty of things like this. But I honestly don't think I can handle another disappointment like that right now. As a Christian, I know that I should fall back on Christ to help me when I get disappointed, but right now I'm so far from where I need to be.

It occurred to me in church this morning that Christ will never disappoint me. He will always be there. He'll never ignore a message from me, especially in my greatest time of need. He won't ever be to busy for me or forget about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm His. He won't ever care more for someone else than He does for me. He'll always be there-to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with-every minute of every day. I'm not saying that Christ can take the place of a boyfriend. "Your boyfriend isn't God, and God isn't your boyfriend." But what I am saying is that the relationship that I'm craving is found in Christ. The relationship that I need right now is found in Christ. Yes, I will still have the need for a man, and I pray that one day God will fill that need with a godly husband. But until then, and even then, Christ will be who I rely on and who carries me through the day. When I finally focus on that relationship, I can grow in relationships with other people, even a dating relationship eventually. 

Blemishes or Beauty Marks?

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was messing around on the internet and was on a picture editing site and uploaded a random picture of myself. I started looking at the different things you could do to change or edit the picture, and came across the "Blemish Remover." I thought "Heck yes!" and started zapping away. The more I looked, the more I saw that needed erasing. When I was done, I looked at the picture. Hmm. It didn't really look like me. Not because it had changed the picture that drastically, but because those features that make me, me, weren't there anymore. They may be small things, but they are a part of me, and identify me nonetheless. I realized that I do this quite often. Not with pictures, but with other parts of me. I try to erase all the "blemishes" of character or mannerisms that I think aren't good, or that people won't like. Depending on who I'm around, I try to change myself to fit what I think they like. So the "me" that is presented to other people isn't the real me. It's some sort of edited and blemish-free version. It's the so-called blemishes that make us who we are. They are as much a part of us as our hair color or voice, and shouldn't be hidden. I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to improve ourselves. There's always room for improvement. But what we shouldn't do is hide or change who we really are just to fit what we think someone else will like. We should be ourselves, and if someone doesn't like it, they aren't someone worth our time and effort.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

These are the notes from Bro. Ellis Mckinzie's sermon this morning.  It's exactly what I needed to hear.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

1) Live one day at a time.

James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.'  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow  You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'"

Stan Getz was a famous saxophone player who had cancer.  When asked what he learned from his illness he replied, "I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal."

Look at the simple things in life.  Enjoy the little things that happen everyday.

2) Live with a view to the end.

Philippians 3:13-14: "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

1 Corinthians 9:24: "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win."

2 Timothy 4:8: "In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

3) Give yourself to others.

John 13:15-17 (After Jesus washes the disciple's feet): "For I have you an example that you also should do as I did to you.  Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him.  If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over.  For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

Giving to others leads to happiness.

4) Learn to forgive and forget

Matthew 6:15: "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."

Colossians 3:13 "...bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

5) Face adversity with courage

Romans 5:3-5: "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

6) Keep a good sense of humor.

Proverbs 15:13: "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 15:30: "Bright eyes gladden the heart; Good news puts fat on the bones."

Proverbs 17:22: "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

7) Put your life in God's hands.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid."

Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"You can spend your life any way you like, but you can only spend it once."

One Week

Only one week left of Christmas break!! Seven short days. It's gone by so fast. It has been good though. And was a much needed break away from Starkville and school and stress.

Christmas was really good this year. It was a quite one, just me and my family. It was nice to take some time and just hang out together. Usually we're working when all of us are home, which is good too, but it was nice just to chill.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. Thursday night I'll be hanging out with my Sunday school class. They're always a fun bunch. Hopefully everyone will be able to be there. Then Friday, my two aunts will be here (they're coming tomorrow!) and family from Houston. It will be good to see my cousin (who's my age) cause I haven't seen her in ages! Trying to keep up with people is difficult sometimes, even if they are family.

I haven't posted many pictures with my posts lately, but hopefully that will change soon. I got a really neat camera for Christmas, and will be using it often, especially with the photography class I'm taking this semester.

I know everyone makes New's Years resolutions, but I've never really been big into doing that. So, instead I've got a few goals in mind for the next semester. That's about as far into the future as I can think about right now. For one thing, I'm going to stay busier than I was last semester. I had too much downtime. Not a good thing for me. So, I'm going to volunteer with the local Red Cross. I'm looking into a summer internship with them, and that would give me some good experience. I'm also going to go to the gym more. I've decided to swim laps. I'm a good swimmer, and it's something I enjoy doing. I should be able to get that in a few times a week with the schedule I have. That's pretty much all I've come up with so far. My classes should keep me pretty busy, especially photography, as well as hanging out with friends. I'm also scheming up a few weekend trips, and definitely something for spring break. I want to go skiing! If I can find only one other person to go with me, I'm headed to Santa Fe for the break. We'll see.

Well, there's a quick update. I'm going to spend the next seven days with family, and some time with friends too, hopefully. I want to be rested and recovered enough to face the new semester with a good attitude.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I've never had the best of timin'.
I open my mouth when I should be silent,
And just the time I should speak
Is when I say nothing at all.

When you're around, I'm clumsy.
I trip over my feet and my words, see
I can't say what I'm really thinking
'Cause you scramble all my thoughts.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

What we have is amazing.
You don't know it, but you're making
My heart want to beat
Right out of my chest.

Whether it's the distance of miles
Or the distance of our hearts
I'll never know, because you are to me
Like a closed window.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can see glimpses inside
But I can't reach through the glass
That covers your heart
And hides all that I miss.

One day you'll break that glass and let someone through
And in doing that you'll prove
That you're exactly who she needs,
And she'll be everything to you.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can only hope that someday
It will happen that way
For me, even if it's with someone
Who isn't you.

I don't understand why things are
The way they are and I'm so far
From where I want to be, but if I weren't,
It seems things would work out perfectly.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

Sunshine!

Finally, today the sun started shining. I don't think I've seen the Texas sun since I arrived a week ago.  It was nice to have cold weather, but it's my opinion that if it's cold and wet, it should be snowing!  Though with all my complaining about the rain, it was amazing to fall asleep to the drizzle the other night.  It wasn't raining hard, just enough so that I could hear the dripping off the roof outside my window.

So what's going on right now-hmm. Well, we're still trying to get the house back in order after our whirlwind rennovation this summer.  There were some kinks in the plan, and we're still putting down the tile floors.  At the rate we're going, we WILL have a livingroom for Christmas! That is very good news, as we have been without one for about four months now.

While it's tiring to have to get up and get to work every morning, it is kinda nice to do some physical labor.  I'm rather pitiful and don't do much during the semester. (Hoping to change that this coming semester though.)  It's a nice change from sitting in hour long lectures every day. Sore muscles are a nuisance sometimes, but other times it feels kinda nice.  A reminder I've accomplished something.

I'm leaving this weekend to spend three days in Mississippi.  I'm happy to be going, because a good friend of mine is getting married.  They are the cutest couple and I wish them every happiness.  But it cuts some time from my break here. And, being very much human as I am, I am getting a tad jealous.  Sigh.  One day.

I was reminded this week that I'm not a very patient person.  While having to wait on an answer, the later in the day it got, the more disappointed and irritable I became.  Hopefully my impatience will get better as time goes on.  I've been waiting for some things a very long time, and some things I will have to wait a bit longer for. Sigh again.

I have an itch to go skiing.  Really bad!!! Every time someone mentions snow or skiing, I want to pack up right now and head north/west.  I would love to get a trip together for this spring break, but I'm afraid I can't find anyone actually willing to go.  I've had a few "that sounds like a good idea"s, but no takers yet. So, guess I keep looking at options and begging people to go with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  It was nice to chat for a while about different things going on in our lives.  I do worry that I talk about me too much.  But then again, I worry about everything-talking too much, too little, too shallow subjects, too deep subjects.  There's that moderation thing that keeps popping up wherever I look.

Ah well, my break is over and I should get back to work.

Lost Thoughts

Do you ever sit around thinking or in the course of the day a thought pops into your head, a rather good one, but no one is around to share it with?  Do you feel as though this thought is wasted? Just something I thought about. Kind of random, I know.

I thought when I first started writing that I had quite a bit to say. But it has either escaped me or isn't untangled enough from my head for it to be written down properly. So, that is all for now.

TTFN

Some Other Beginning's End

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
Closing Time -Semisonic

Well, I must say that I'm happy that this new begining is the result of another beginning ending. Confusing? Well, my life as of late has been pretty confusing, so it fits. But, the semester is officially over!!!!!! All I'm waiting on is grades, and the two that I was worried about weren't so bad. So it's a great beginning so far! I finished up exams on Friday and spent a great weekend just hanging out with friends before they left for the semester. Yesterday and today I slept in, even later that I usually would.  I figured I would take advantage of that since I won't get to when I get home.  Too much to do!  I cleaned the house, made Christmas cookies, and did a little online Christmas shopping last night.  It was rather pleasant.  It was pretty good cause I got to be in the same house with my sister for once.  We've both been pretty busy this semester and our schedules didn't usually match up.  Today I think I'll make more cookies.  Probably a good thing because I have about four pounds of dough in my refridgerator right now...

I didn't go home right away after my exams because one of my good friends is getting married this month, and her bachelorette party is tomorrow night.  It should be interesting.  And fun!  It's been pretty nice actually, not having too much to do, and spending some time just for leisure.  I'm ready to go home though.  I'm determined that my time at home with my family is going to be as great, if not greater, than the first few days of the break.  I want no arguing or fussing!  And that means on my part.  I'm soooo tired of conflict, so none of that please.

I also want to see my friends from Texas.  I have an awesome Sunday school class back home, and spending time with them is always fun.  We're going to Houston Friday night to buy soccer balls to give to a couple going on a mission trip over the break.  And, of course, we're going to eat mexican food.  It's pretty much a class tradition.

This semester has been...hard, to say the least.  Very hard.  I want to erase all the hard things I had to face, and never look at them again.  I can't do that, but I can leave the past in the past and move on.  Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to use the break to get rid of some of the worries and bad moods I've been carrying around.  There are still several things that are uncertain, and a few things I need to get settled with people, but hopefully that will turn out ok.  I'm not going to spaz out about it.  Well, I'll try not to anyway.

I've been slow to get into the Christmas mood this year, but finally I'm there.  I'm listening to Christmas music, making Christmas cookies, and we finally decorated our house.  It's pretty. :)  I was sooo ready for Christmas break to get here, and I'm so glad it's finally here.  I'll probably be wishing for time to slow down for a while.  So far, it kinda feels like it has, and I'm ok with this.

So, I just wanted to say thanks for hanging on with me through this past semester.  At times I've not been very fun to talk to, be around, or even read about, but thanks for staying with me.  The people in my life really make everything worthwhile.  I love you guys!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!  :)

A Moment or Two

I only have a few minutes before I have to go to my next class, but I haven't posted in a while. So here's an update.

It's Friday! I always look forward to the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. I think it will be a good weekend. I hope so at least. Next weekend I head to California with my friend to attend a Marine Military Ball. I'm pretty excited about it. I've never been to Cali before, and how cool is a military ball?

Things have been kinda rough lately. The happy mood I was in from my last few posts didn't stick around long. I'm still dealing with some hurt. I need to get through it and move on. There have been some long and lonely nights, but I'm getting through it with help from my family and friends. I know I'm being prayed for and that helps more than you can know. I think if I can make it to the end of the semester, finish finals, I'll be ok. I need a break. I hope Christmas break will provide some relief.

Well, off to Ethics class to discuss lifestyle choices. Oh fun...

Haven't Met You Yet

A friend of mine posted some of these lyrics on Facebook, so I thought I'd share, because I like the song, and I like Michael Buble. :)


Watch the video here

Haven't Met You Yet

By Michael Buble

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

A Change

I don't know whether it's the weather, or just that I desperately need a change, but I've decided I'm tired of being depressed and upset about eveything. I'm ready to be happy again. So with the beautiful weather comes a change of attitude. I've been focusing on everything that's been wrong in my life. Granted, everything's not perfect, but it never is, nor ever will be. For me, or for anyone. But when I started to look at things with a different perspective today, things really aren't that bad. I have lots of things going for me and I'm really blessed. I have amazing family that loves me, and incredible friends that are there with me through whatever comes as well. This alone should make me grateful. I focus on my future a lot (as any college student does) and all I see sometimes is uncertainty. That uncertainty could be interpreted as opportunity. There's almost endless possiblilities for things I can do with my life. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to. I have mulititudes of chances to make a difference in people and am going to take those chances when they come. So instead of freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should, maybe I should look at what's happening and know it's for the best, however it turns out.

I'm also giving up coke. (As in the soda lol.) I think I'll function better without it and it gets expensive when you add it all up. Detoxing should be interesting, however. lol. So we'll see how that goes.

Hope if you are reading this that you are having a good day, and if not, don't worry-things will get better!

Stuck in Reverse

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I'm sitting in the library, dreading sitting through my next class. I usually eat lunch with friends during this time, but today I tried working on a presentation. Needless to say, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing. It's raining outside...again. It has rained for four weeks straight. And I'm not exaggerating. I am so sick of the rain. I hate walking to class and getting drenched, then sitting through a long and boring class, miserable because I'm soaked and cold. So, the rain has not helped my already fragile mood. Things have seemed to get worse lately. I haven't had the best semester so far, for many resons, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I do have fun hanging out with my friends, and we've done some cool things this semester. I've also gotten to know more people and know them better. But I get these waves of sadness and hopelessness. Sometimes they come from things that are happening in my life, but other times, it seems random, like right now. Sometimes they come and go quickly and other times seem to stick around for a while. I'm so tired. Tired of struggling with every single thing in my life. Tired of classes. Tired of everything I touch falling apart. Tired of trying. I know the way I've been the past few weeks has been a burden to people around me. I'm pretty sure it's getting to the point where they are afraid to even ask how my day has been. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the optimistic and genuinely happy person I used to be. (And I really wish the dude on the computer next to me would quit banging on the desk!) I don't want to be constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to be scared of tomorrow and what might happen. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until it's sunny outide and everything's better. But I know I can't. Things won't get better if I ignore them. Ugh. Life. Not cool.     

Fail

Today was the first day back to school. I was out last week for three days, and Monday-Tuesday of this week was a holiday. So I haven't been to school in a week. I just got out of my 8 o'clock Spanish class. We had a test. I didn't know about this test. I failed this test. I don't normally curse, but right now I'm so angry that I could curse a blue streak. It's terrible but that's what's flying around in my head right now. I want to scream, or at the very least talk to someone about it, but it seems that no one answers text messages at nine in the morning. I really want to punch something right now. It's probably a good thing I'm sitting on campus in a relatively quite room or I'd probably have a broken computer and/or hand. Not many things make me mad, but apparently failing a test does. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it!!!! My professor is so hard nosed. He doesn't care if we all flunk. So even if I asked, he woudn't do anything- no extra credit, no make-up. If I hadn't had to spend two nights in the ER last week and been put on stupid painkillers, maybe I would have known about the test and actually studied for it. This sucks. Big time. I hate when crap like this happens, and aparently it likes to happen to me. This year is not turning out to be better than last. It's getting worse every day that passes. I'm going to go crawl into a fetal position and hide from the world for a while. Maybe I'll come out in a few years. Oh wait, I have class at ten. Yay me.   

Under My Skin

I'm the kind of person where little things that people do get to me.  In a good way, most of the time.  When I least expect it, someone will say or do something that makes me feel so good.  I'm sure they don't know how much it means, but it definitely doesn't go unnoticed.  You have no idea how much an email, text, or phone call can mean.  Just a few minutes of your time is enough to change someone's day.  Today I had a craptastic day.  Every little thing was going wrong, and I was convinced it would just get worse.  There are so many things on my mind at the moment that it's easy to get lost in all that.  But all that seemed to get better in a matter of minutes, thanks to a friend.  It wasn't anything big, just a simple conversation.  Nothing earth shattering, just catching up.  It made me smile.  Seems like I'm not doing enough of that these days. Sometimes tears outweigh the smiles.  But that, my friend, is how life goes.  I'm convinced things will improve, and soon I'll be back to smiling more than crying.

I went to the worship service for the campus ministery tonight.  It's good to be able to go this semester, because I thought I would be forced to miss it because of a class.  Thankfully, the professor lets us out early.  Oddly enough, I feel a little uncomfortable in worship at the moment.  I feel like a child who has been scolded and now stands in front of her Father.  I feel bad standing and singing the lyrics to a praise song, hypocritical almost, when inside I am still wrestling and arguing with God.  But I need so much to be there standing among friends and siblings in Christ.  I feel a strength from being with them, a strength I so desperately need.  Sometimes it feels like I will never find my place again and be back to where I want and need to be.  But I know that I will get there.  A relationship is always full of ups and downs, and this is just a down.  There's really nowhere left to go but up.  There's some hope in that, at least.     

On My Mind

I've got some time to kill on campus, so I thought I'd write a few things that have been on my mind lately.

For starters, I had a great Labor Day weekend.  I flew home Friday afternoon, and my mom and I went to a movie together after she picked me up from the airport.  We watched Julie & Julia.  I liked it a lot.  Might even be one I'd buy later.  Saturday, I had lunch with my mom while my brother was at a guitar lesson.  That was good, if not a little emotional.  But we're girls, so that's to be expected.  That night we all went out for pizza and rented a movie.  I enjoyed what little time I got to just hanging out.  Seems like there is never enough time in a weekend. 

Sunday was my day to hang out with friends. I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed my Sunday school class.  We also went out to eat at the Mexican restaurant, which is sort of a class ritual or tradition.  I miss it so much!  That evening, we all went out to the property to ride horses and jus hang out.  I must have ridden for close to two hours!  I'm not used to that much time in the saddle and neither was my rear.  It was great tho.  I miss riding horses.  I've also missed hanging out with my friends there.  I think they should just move to Mississippi...  Just kidding.  I can only imagine the comments I'd get if I told them that.  I really didn't want to leave that night, those few hours just weren't enough, but I had to drive home on Monday, so thanks to Chica watching my back, I made it home at a decent hour.  What I want and reason do not always see eye to eye.  So I'm thankful for people looking out for me.

The drive home was long, but not bad.  Spent some time riding with the windows down and singing along with the music.  And my puppy dogs were happy to see me when I got home.

I went to BSU last night and it seemed as if the speaker had me in mind when he started speaking.  Everything he said hit me in the heart.  It wasn't necessarily plesant, but it was important for me to hear and acknowledge.  The message was about humility, Spiritual Humility.  I definitely need a dose of that.  I say and do good things, and everyone thinks that I'm a good Christian girl.  Truth is that I sin, all the time.  I try to keep my sins hidden so people will think I'm a good Christian.  I compare myself to others around me and justify the things I do wrong by saying "at least I'm not as bad as they are; the things I've done are not as bad as what they do."  How arrogant of me!  I was reminded of a conversation I had over the weekend, and I can remember clearly thinking, "Nothing I did was that bad. I could have done a lot worse, but I didn't.  So there's no reason for me to feel bad."  As a friend of mine would say, "false."  I could not be more wrong.  That is a prime example of Spiritual Pride.  Truth is that I sinned, and need to confess and ask forgiveness.  I struggle with my nature so many times, but just because it is a struggle doesn't make it permissable to give in.  I'm not saying any of this is easy, much the opposite.  It's taken me a while to settle some things, and it's going to take longer still.  Things like this can't be settled overnight.  I can't change the past, but I can make sure I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.  That's the best I can do.

A song that we sang last night had these words in it: "At the cross you beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."  This is a good song, and I understand the point of the lyrics, but I disagree.  Christ does not draw us gently to our knees every time.  He will do whatever necessary to bring us to our knees, and sometimes that is nowhere near gentle.  And there isn't anything sweet about being broken.  It hurts.  It is painful.  It's not something you enjoy or with would happen more often.  I understand that the songwriter was trying to convey that it is a good thing to be broken and on your knees, but the process is painful.  Only when you get past that point and back where you should be does the sweetness and gentleness come in.  I'm not at that point yet, but I can only hope it comes soon.          

Right Here Right Now

I had a great day today, despite having to get up at 6:30 to make it to my 8 o'clock class. I have an hour to kill between classes, so I went to the library to get some hot tea for a sore throat, and sat outside reading. It was very pretty weather today so sitting outside was really nice. I got to a really sad part in my book and had to tell myself not to cry! It's a good thing I've read it twice before, so I was able to read it fast and not bawl like I did the first two times.

After classes, I had lunch with my very bestest friend. We talked for hours! It was great. And after she left, I got a message from another friend, so I went to hang out with her for a while. I love my friends!

My mom and brother have been in and out of the house this week. My brother is a senior in high school, so they came out to look at schools in the area. It's been nice having them here. I love it here in Mississippi, and it's good to have almost everyone here. Oh, and good news! My dad will be coming home from overseas soon! We're not sure exactly when just yet, but I'm really glad he's coming home. He's been working overseas for two and a half years now. I miss him terribly.

As I was having lunch with my bestest best friend today, we started talking about where we are in life, and where we're headed. I realized (not for the first time) that I am constantly living in the future. I keep waiting for something to happen. Whether it's next weekend, six months from now, or a year down the road. I'm always waiting for the next big thing to happen. I think I'm missing so much that's going on right here and now. There are amazing things that happen everyday, but if you're not looking for them, they will pass by unnoticed. I guess it's all about being content. Being happy with whatever situation you find yourself in. Paul said he had learned how to be content. That gives me hope, because if it was something that was supposed to come natural, I'd be out of luck. But it's something that I can work on and learn. So I need to be happy being me, and being where I am, and being happy with the people who are in my life right now. I shouldn't worry about those who have moved on or those yet to come.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 (NAS)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)

~*~

Junior

My first week as a junior is almost complete. Only two more classes to go tomorrow. It's been a good week overall, with only a few rough spots. I'm liking my classes so far, but they will definitely be more challenging and require much more time and effort than in previous semesters. I'm looking forward to getting more into what I want to do as a career though. Even though I'm still ironing that out.

I'm at home now, listening to the end of the thunderstorm I got caught in walking to my car. I've decided that I like thunderstorms, but I enjoy them much more when I'm inside and dry. :)

One Year Passed

Well, one year has passed since I started writing. When I go back and look at where I was then, it seems like it was ages ago. So much has happened, good and bad, in the past year. I can't say it's been the easiest year of my life, and I sure don't want to relive it. All I can do is move on, forget about the hurtful things, and remember the good things. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but it's the only way to keep going.

It seems like I have to start over so often. Whether it's moving locations, trying to move on from a relationship, or just a change of heart, I have to refocus and restart. I keep hoping one day that maybe I'll be in a more stable situation. It hasn't happened yet, nor do I foresee it happening in the near future. It all seems kind of disheartening and hopeless at the moment, but maybe that's because I'm trying to accomplish the daunting task of packing. That never makes me feel particularly chipper.

I always seem to screw things up in the summer. I don't know why. It starts out good, then progressively gets worse as it gets closer to me moving back to school. I mess up relationships right and left. It's hard to do things you want to do, while thinking of others. I think I try to make everything work out the way I think it should be, only Newsflash!-It doesn't work. Can I just be three again when the most earth shattering thing that happened to me was when I couldn't find my stuff animal before I went to bed?

Well, here I go again. Another summer over and another semester beginning. This year has to be better than last. It just has to be...