Have you ever had one of those days where there was so much to think about, so much going on in your head, you just didn't even know where to begin thinking about it all? That was pretty much me today. I started out the morning kind of off kilter, and it seemed to get worse as the day wore on. It wasn't a bad day per say, just a little off.
I've had a lot on my mind lately, so maybe if I let some of it out on here it will help. I would call a friend, but it's past 2 in the morning, so I don't think they'd appreciate that. :) And I can organize my thoughts so much better in writing. I get tongue-tied otherwise.
I'm homesick. I'm missing my family. Everything's so weird right now. We've always been a very close family, geographically and emotionally. We're still close, but it seems like members of my family are spread across the globe. It's hard to deal with that when for so long we were all together. I realize that it is a part of growing up, but it's definitely a change, and sometimes I don't handle change well.
I'm missing the people that I formed closer relationships with over the summer. I'm still in touch with them, but it's not the same. Long distance in any kind of relationship-whether it be family, friends, or significant others-is always challenging. It either makes your relationship stronger or tears it apart. Sadly, I've experienced both in the past. I'm hoping that this distance forces a deeper and more lasting relationship.
I feel out of place. I thought only freshmen were supposed to feel this way...lol. But seriously, tonight I felt like I just didn't fit. I hate that feeling. It was probably due to not being well acquainted with the people I was around, and that'll hopefully change over the course of the semester, but I can't help feeling down about it.
Right now I am feeling so ineffective. I feel ineffective in my walk with Christ. I feel stuck, unable to move. Sadly, it's an all-too-common feeling for me. One of my deepest struggles is with complacency. No, I don't go off the deep-end and do terrible things that limit my relationship with Christ, but rather I fall into that "I'm not doing anything bad, so I must be a good little Christian girl who doesn't need to change." Why do I settle for mediocrity in my faith? Do I not have a God who is so above and beyond what I could ever imagine? What an insult it must be when I limit Him so... I think one reason I struggle with growth is that I equate growth with change. My life has been constantly and drastically changing for about the past 6 years. I am so resistant to change, even when it is for the better. I know that no one likes change, but I have such a hard time with it I think because I was forced by life circumstances to change. I resisted so much, I think I'm almost afraid of it now. I don't want opportunities that God gives to pass me by because I was afraid. I want God to fill my heart and life with a fire, a confidence in Him that consumes all that fear and doubt. I want to fearlessly live in a way that is glorifying to my God. I don't want to live in fear of the future, of messing up, or of making waves. I am the epitome of nothingness without my God. I am so weak and timid without Him. God, help me to find and hold onto that fire! Help me to remember the joy and passion of my salvation!
I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I hope to see everyone again. I also hope that it will bring some comfort and clarity. My emotions are in knots at the moment. So much to think and feel. It's almost overwhelming. It is astounding to me that I can feel so many different emotions all at once. I'm hoping to get all that sorted out and get my focus back to where it needs to be.
Even in the midst of all this confusion, I'm reminded of a song that is coming to mean alot in my life right now:
You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
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