Redeeming Love

Last night I finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, you need to. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, 20 or 80. You need to read it. This is not your normal Christian fiction book. I wouldn't call it a pleasure read either, because as I was reading this book, I was convicted, and I cried. If you don't know anything about the book, I won't give anything away, but I'll tell you it's a story like that of Hosea in the Bible. I identified with Angel more than I would like to admit. I found in her my own weaknesses and vices, fears and doubts. I began to love Michael as she did, and have raised my standards quite a bit because of it. I don't know if there are guys like Michael in existence today, outside of fiction, but I've decided to wait and see. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes. Unconditional love has been something that I've known about, but never really seen an example that touched me like this book. It's amazing to me that every time we go back to our old, reckless, dirty ways, God comes to get us and waits for us to come back into His arms. I found a way back to God and to the forgiveness he offers freely if we only ask. I don't want to wander from Him again. I probably will, because I'm human, but knowing that He'll always be there with me is a feeling I can't describe. He loves me. Really loves me.

It struck me that there are two kind of loves. There's the love that you think is the real thing. You feel amazing when they are near you. You dismiss their faults, ignoring them when they come up and only looking at the good things. It's a love of convenience. You cling to them like they are the only thing that can give you happiness and worth. You would do anything to be with them, even things that aren't right. But in your mind, it's justified because you "love" them. When they leave, the hurt you feel is indescribable. It feels like your heart is sinking inside your body. You know you shouldn't feel like that but can't help it.

The other love is different. You still feel amazing when they're around. But that person isn't you sole source of happiness and worth. They add to it substantially, but both of you know that only God makes you whole and gives you worth. This is a love that lasts a lifetime, not just for a season. I don't know everything about this love, because I've never experienced it, but it is my goal.

Full Swing

Summer has gotten started. It's been good so far. I've worked a lot, which is both exciting and tiring. I'm not used to getting up so early, especially on the mornings when I have to be in Austin at 8:30. It's quite a commute. I don't mind it so much. It's time I get to think, listen to music, or listen to an audio book. At my internship at the Red Cross, I'm learning all that's involved in running a non profit organization. It's not just the front lines stuff that people see. There's a ton of stuff that goes on day-to-day that makes the first response in a disaster possible. I think I'm heading in the right direction as far as a career. I could get into this. While a good bit of it may be office work, there's new challenges every day. I doubt you'd encounter two days exactly alike.

My other job, the one that pays, is filling in at the vet clinic in town. We're good friends with the receptionist and the vet. It's been neat working there too, because in addition to the money, I get to talk to Doc. He's a very interesting man. He's super intelligent, and we have actual deep conversations. They're about random topics too. He likes to pick my brain, as he calls it.

I've been adding to my calendar steadily, but it's mostly work related. I'm not getting to go to concerts like I had hoped. I'm not sure why I bothered to look them all up and get excited about going. Surely I knew deep down that there wouldn't be anyone to go with me. I have successfully alienated, one way or another, anyone who I used to hang out with in Texas. One relationship shouldn't have even started, and it fell to pieces around me. I'm reeling with the consequences of that. The other, I'm not sure what happened. I guess I pissed them off. I honestly was a butt about some things and attempted to apologize in person and not on the internet, but wasn't given the time of day. I don't know what to do now. Nothing I guess. Obviously they want to be left alone. I guess all of that to say that I'm starting to feel a little lonely.

I'm excited about my roomie coming to see me though. She has never been to my house out here and I know we'll have an awesome week together. I need her friendship so badly! I don't know what I'd do without her. If only my other roomie could come, the week would be complete. I miss her too!

I've been all teary this evening. Not sure why exactly. Maybe I need a good cry. I'm getting that achy wanting in my chest again. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I probably couldn't explain it.

Venting

Why do we feel the need to vent to other people? Especially via social networking? When you've got a problem with someone or something, isn't there the tendency to update your status, tweet, or write a blog post about it? Even if you don't act on the impulse, surely it's there. Or maybe perhaps I'm generalizing. I know I have those tendencies. Just tonight, I was on Facebook (as usual) and I came across some things that aggravated issues that I've been dealing with. My first inclination was to update my status with some vague statement or song lyrics that I hoped one person in particular would read. Why would I do that? It seems absurd. I should be able to just tell that person what I think, but I don't often possess that ability.

I can usually express myself in writing, which is the main reason I have this blog. It's somewhere to let my thoughts loose. Some of those thoughts should be kept to myself I think. I sometimes forget that I'm not sending these posts out into thin air, but before the eyes of people, perhaps even people close to me. I should be careful what I say.

I had hoped when I started this blog, a little less than two years ago, that it wouldn't turn into a place where all I did was complain. Seems like lately that's what it's become. I'm going to work on that this summer. I want this to be a place where you might find encouragement, information, advice, or perhaps just someone you can relate to.

It seems that things get to me way to easily. Just seeing a name or picture can conjure up memories that I'd sooner forget than dwell on. Sometimes those memories aren't bad, but they're a reminder of things I've lost, people who have forgotten me, or things I've messed up. Not easy reminders at all.

Outside My Window

All is right in my world at the moment. I'm sitting on the deck of the condo we rented in Pensacola, Fl, drinking a Frappuccino and watching the sunset. The picture above is what I'm looking at right this moment. Just factor in the sound of the waves and the salty breeze coming off the water. My dad is grilling hamburgers on the deck too. Smells heavenly. It's going to be a great week with my family leading up to me little brother graduating. I can hardly believe he's old enough to graduate and go to college this year. I'm hoping we get to hang out a good bit this summer before he goes off and forgets about his big sis. He's pretty cool most of the time. We went for a walk on the beach last night. It was fun just goofing off and talking. He thought it was entertaining watching me avoid the ghost crabs. Those things kinda creep me out. They look like spiders.

Things I love about the beach:

The smell of the air- It's salty and humid.

The sound of the waves- The gentle roar is a constant reminder of where you are.

Sand- As much as I don't like it all in my bathingsuit, I do like it under my feet. And I love that it's pure white.

Relaxing atmosphere- When I'm at the beach, I'm almost never in a hurry. Life is better when it's slowed down a notch every now and then.

Great pictures- Hopefully, I'll get a chance to take some great pictures while we're here.

Great food- Grilled food, seafood, desserts, and popcicles are some of the great food we have at the beach.

Time to think- Usually this is a good thing. Sometimes not at first, but after I take the time to work through all my thoughts and feelings, I always feel a great deal better.

Time to write- As I'm doing now, I try to take time to write while I'm here. Life gets busy and I don't have too much time during the school year.

Possible para-sailing?- Maybe... :)

Because I Love Her

Please check this out. It's from a friend of mine's blog. It's a great reminder for us.

Because I Love Her

Starkville minus Classes!

I finished finals last Wednesday, but didn't go home right away because I'm going to the beach with my family on Sunday, and it would be pointless to drive to Texas, only to turn around a week later and go to Florida. My two best friends moved in with us last week too, so we spend the week getting things settled. And probably the best reason was to relax and de-stress from the semester. It has been really great.

The end of the semester is really bittersweet. It's sad seeing all my friends going in different directions for the next three months. Some are headed to internships all over the country, others are headed home, and some are headed to different countries. It's exciting because of the opportunities and I know we'll all meet back up in Starkville once the summer is over. So good luck to all of you and vaya con Dios!

I'm excited about spending a week at the beach with my family. My brother is graduating from high school on the fifteenth, so we're going to spend a week together celebrating that and my mom's retirement. No more chirens to teach. I love the beach and I love my family, so it will be an amazing week!

Finally

Finals week is here and all the stress and frustration that accompany it. Yesterday and today were pretty crazy. Amidst studying for finals, we were moving in two new roommates. Exciting to have new roommates, but moving is always a pain. It's much better now that they are semi settled. Tonight is the first night with all of us in the house. This is going to be a good thing.

Not unusual for me, I was disappointed again tonight. This seems to be a recurring theme with the summer coming up... I got news that the lake trip that we take with the college and career class at church is canceled. I really look forward to this trip every summer. It usually winds up being the highlight of my summer. This year will be different. A few people in the group decided to have a third lake trip in September (which I can't go to because I'll be at school). This was originally in addition to the June and August trips. Well, from what little I've heard, a couple of people decided it would be too expensive and canned the June trip. I don't get it. I'm pretty sure this was the decision of like, two people. I don't guess the rest of us matter enough to contribute to decisions like that.

This Sunday school class has meant the world to me the past few years. I have loved the fellowship and the teaching that I've received from it. But in the last year, things have started to change dramatically. I don't feel so much a part of it anymore. I know I live away during the semester, but for the past three summers I've been there. I come every time I can. It seems like other people have replaced me now, and I resent it. I know it's not really like that, and that's a petty way to look at it, but that's the way it feels. I'm loosing yet another place where I felt like I belonged. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

I feel like I've totally lost my place in the church. When I'm at school, I go to the service on Sunday mornings, but I don't feel like it's my church home. I don't feel like I can get too involved because I'll be gone in a year. When I'm back in Texas, it doesn't feel like that's my church home either because though I know people there, they could care less that I've been gone, or that I'm back. I used to think that the college and career class was my place, but even they don't care so much anymore. I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I hate that I have these feelings of resentment and bitterness. I'm downright angry at times. Sometimes I don't even know why. Everything's out of place and I hate it. Everything and everyone I lean on either falls to pieces or disappears. I get my hopes up and am constantly let down. I hope for a sign that someone wants me and it never comes. I look for a place to be wanted and there's nowhere for me. The very time when I need it most, no one's around. Sometimes it even feels like God's not listening to me. Why should he after all I've said and done? I know the churchy answer to this, but that's just not cutting it right now. Those things come across at trite and almost condescending.

The Guy's Guide to Girls: Part One

Ok guys, y'all are always talking about how girls are so complicated and how you don't understand us. Maybe this will help. Here are a few helpful hints from the female world. Take it to heart, then USE IT. Girls, feel free to comment and add more. Thanks to my anonymous girl friends who contributed to this post.

If hanging out is to be done, it will not be suggested by me. You must act like you want to see me.

If I'm giving one-word answers it means one of three things: 1) I'm busy and really don't want to talk right now, 2) I don't know what to say, 3) I'm mad at you. Fix it.

We want to know that you think about us. It takes something as simple as "I miss you" or "You've been on my mind today" or "I can't wait to see you."

Nothing hurts more than being cheated or forgotten. Avoid at all costs.

Don't think you can fix everything. The dryer or car? Yes. My issues? Probably not. I need support, space, and time.

I understand you're busy and so am I, but when you can spend all day procrastinating homework, you can spend a little bit of time with me. You make time for the things you care about. When you don't make time for me, I feel like you don't care about me.

Don't talk much about exes. Yours or mine. The past should stay right where it is-in the past.

If you want to talk to me, text or call. Don't expect me to initiate all the time.

Having long, drawn out conversations over text is OBNOXIOUS.

We have no idea what you're thinking. We are always wondering what you're thinking. Make it easy and tell us if we ask.

Do not say things that you don't mean. Even though you think we want to hear it, later when we find out it wasn't true, we'll never forget it. Tell me the truth.

If you like me, be a man and tell me so.

Don't lie. We WILL find out.

Don't diss our friends or family. Not cool.

Unless you tell us specifically not to tell our best friend, we probably will. We talk about everything to those closest to us. It's how we operate.

Actually listen when we talk. If you keep asking the same questions over and over again, we will get annoyed.

It's ok to act like you like me if we're dating. It won't kill you to hold my hand. I won't protest.

You will make my day if you send me a good morning message.

When I say I don't want to talk about something, I probably mean it. Don't push the issue.

When I do want to talk about it, I'll probably mutter something then say "I don't know..."

When you ask me if I'm ok, and I say "I'm fine," I am not fine. Pretty much anything other than good (accompanied with a smile), great, fabulous, or spectacular means I'm not fine.

My heart melts when I hear you talk about your relationship with God or hear you pray. Definitely do that. Frequently.

Tell me, with words, out loud, that I'm special to you and that you care about me.

You-messed-up Flowers: good. Just-because Flowers: even better.

A hug never hurt anybody.

It's ok for you to ask me questions.

Chivalry is never dead in a girl's mind. Opening doors and holding out chairs gets you bonus points.

Treat me like a lady.

Though I may be a girl, I'm not as fragile as you think.

Don't badger me into doing something I don't want to do.

Even if we "hang out," a real date would be nice.

Don't get mad at me for things that you do all the time.

I'm willing to play sports, watch action movies, and do other things you like to do. Do something I like to do once and a while without me having to pull your leg or guilt you into it.

If I'm trying to do something, don't automatically swoop in and do it for me. I can do things for myself. If I ask for help, that's a different story.

A girl loves to hear that she's beautiful every once in a while.

Apathy

Being apathetic is a pathetic way to be, according to Relient K. But that's where I find myself tonight. I suppose it's a product of the end of the semester and summer-itis. I'm tired of dealing with stuff.

After exams next week, I'll spend the following week doing stuff around the house getting ready for my roomies to movie in. Then I'm headed to the sunshine state for a week. I can't wait. It'll be good time with family, and time to myself. I can detox from the baggage I've been carrying around and maybe get some clarity and peace. Then I'll be ready for a summer. A good summer. I wanna work and travel some this summer. We'll see what opportunities open up.

I bought a Love and Theft album the other day. One $8 on iTunes. It's really good. It's country, but not honky tonk country. It's also got Christian themes in it. Good stuff. Check out this song.

I finished two projects today after tracking tornadoes that were everywhere this morning. Kinda scary, but I didn't freak out like I normally do. Probably because 1) I couldn't hear the sirens, 2) I had my weather friends checking up on me and giving me info and 3) I was able to know where the tornadoes were from the internet and tv. So it was kinda exciting.

Only three finals separating me from summer. Yee haw.

Unsettled

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred,
But I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
"Near to You"- A Fine Frenzy

Still bummed about summer plans falling through. I've been in a weird mood today. Unsettled is the best way I can describe it. Still reeling over past hurts. Not sure what to do about that except try to forget.

On one hand, I want someone. Terribly. On the other, I don't want anyone. Because if I don't "have" anyone, I won't have to worry about getting hurt or hurting someone else. And I can do my own thing. But that's neither here nor there.

No Emo

I haven't gone off my rocker and gotten all emo and clinically depressed. It was a bad week is all. When things don't pan out, even the best of us can get upset. The weekend was good, so that helped me get over things. Three more days and I'm done with class, then three exams and I'm home free for the summer.

Rejected

I heard back from the Nicaragua trip. I wasn't selected. I had my hopes up that I would get picked to go. I didn't really entertain the thought that I wouldn't get to. I almost wish I had doubted that more because when I got news today, it was a hard letdown. At least I heard it from a friend first. That made it a little better because he tried to make me feel better about it. I could go down there for a week just to visit, see some sights, and get acquainted with the culture. I might do that, I don't know yet.

It's really hard to be rejected like that. It's happened to me a few times before. Whether it be rejection from a job or position, or from a person, it's really hard for me to deal with that. To know that you and your qualities and qualifications were lined up next to other people's and you weren't good enough is really hard to take. I strive to do the best I can, and end up not making the cut. It makes me not want to try anymore. Not just with stuff like the Nicaragua thing, but with relationships as well. I've been rejected and that's not something I can bounce back from easily. It makes me question everything I am and everything I do. It seems like everything I set my heart to completely comes undone. Everything I strive so hard for and want so badly slips through my fingers.

I can sense feelings rising that plagued me last semester. I cannot afford to go back to that again. But right now I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a long time. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them. I want to shut down.

No Time!

I've been meaning to post for a while. But I don't have much time, so here's the short version.

I got Photoshop! Exciting! I'm still loving my photography class. We're doing portraits next week. Kind of a challenge.

I am a drama queen. I don't like that. I shall seek to change that. Yuck. Also, 95% of my drama is boy-related.

I've been working out. Sometimes fun, sometimes not, but it's a means to an end. That end being a little black swimsuit that came in the mail the other day. Also, looking fabulous all around. ha ha.

One full week of classes left. Wow. The semester has been pretty great, but kinda short.

I have the summer bug. I'm so ready.

I haven't heard if I'm going to Nicaragua yet or not. I'm getting nervous/impatient. I'm supposed to hear sometime this week.

That's all I have time for. I'm off to study astronomy. Yay. (That was an un-enthusiastic yay, btw.)

Just Don't Want Coffee

This song pretty much describes how I've been feeling as of late.

Just Don't Want Coffee
by Caedmon's Call

Though I am small I've seen things far beyond these city walls
The land is flat and it rolls for miles
I don't know much I know I've many places yet to see
I know I've been here for a while
Wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out
I'm back at my first day at school
Trying not to think too loud I raise my hand to scratch my head
I've no ideas of what to do
'Cause something's changed today
And what it is I just can't say
And if I don't seem okay, well I'm okay

(Chorus)
So sue me, sue me, if I just don't want coffee tonight
Back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
Now we've been friends since we were young
But all our conversations are hitting walls we can't ignore
We can hide but we can't run
And I can't run from you
Or what we've run into
Now regardless what I choose, we both lose
(repeat chorus)

It must be getting late
Where's my head
Where is my head
Where is my head
I still hear you telling me what a big mistake I've made
Funny that's what I've been telling you
I can lead a horse to water
You can even make him drink
But you can't change his point of view
Tonight as I was driving home I passed a coffee shop
You know I wrestled with the truth
And how I'd explain to you what you could never understand
And how I'd keep my mind from you
But that's the price I pay
Your way is not my way
Today's another day and it's okay

(repeat chorus)

I think I need some rest
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head
Rest my head, arrest my head

Figgity

I can't seem to sit still this afternoon. Since it's Easter Sunday and the family is here, we decided to take a break and use today to rest. Yesterday we worked around the house doing various jobs and projects. Today after going to church and cooking a delicious dinner, we sat in the living room and talked and watched tv. I almost fell asleep several times (surprise, surprise) but never quite got there. Now I'm figgity and can't sit still. I looked for the book I'm in the middle of reading, but can't find it anywhere. It's probably hiding from me with my iPod. In the process of searching my shelves for the lost literature, I came across a notebook that I used to write in over the summer and last fall. I perused the pages reading thoughts from the past. Not sure that's always a wise thing to do, but I did it nevertheless. It did not, however, cure my figgiting. Possibly added to it.

My mom brought me an audio book. It's called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. She's not my most favoritest person ever, but my mom said this was definitely worth listening to. So I'll let you know how that goes.

M*A*S*H is quite a good tv show. I like watching reruns on Hallmark.

I'm bored, yet don't have much to say. At least not that I wish to say on here.

Adios.

In Song

I've tried for the last little bit to find a song that perfectly fits my mood/situation perfectly, but I can't seem to find one that's just right. Maybe it's a combination of a few songs. Perhaps I'll try to find the right combination.

Here's some song lyrics that seem to fit right now:

Guinevere- Eli Young Band
She carries memories around like souveniers down in her pockets
Should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
For as much as she's stumbled, she's runnin'
For as much as she runs, she's still here
Always hopin' to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Nobody's Baby- Reckless Kelly
You've always been a little scared to open your heart
And you never let anybody take it too far
You never let 'em on the inside
'Cause you're always scared of gettin' taken for a ride

You're nobody's baby
You're nobody's darlin'
You're nobody's girl

Everybody wants you but you don't wanna care
So you keep 'em at a distance with the frown you wear
Spend your time tryin' to even the score
And you've got it in your head you deserve a lot more

Complicated- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't
It's so complicated

Mi Vida Loca- Pam Tillis
If you're comin' with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two weels
It's a never ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

Mi vida loca, over and over
Destiny turn on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Free to Be Me- Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Chicken and Biscuits

A few lyrics:

Lord have mercy here she comes
Behind the wheel of a pickup truck
Mud slingin'
She's singin'
Country girl just doin her thing and
Ain't nothin like a backwoods baby
Drive my tractor, drive me crazy
Likes huntin'
Loves fishin'
And she can hold her own in the kitchen
And by the way boys, did I mention

She's pretty as a field of daisies
She's sweeter than watermelon wine
Way hotter than the Alabama asphalt
And when I get her in these arms of mine
Lord have mercy, I love her kisses
Man, I cant get enough
Kinda like chicken and biscuits

She can rock them high heel shoes
But she'd rather wear cowboy boots
Cut off jeans and a baseball hat
City girls can't do it like that
Sunday mornin' rolls around
In the choir is where she's found

Chicken and Biscuits- Colt Ford

That song makes me smile. I'm going through a country phase. I miss being home around the horses and cows. I miss riding horses, and back roads, and Texas country on the radio.

I was looking at bikes today. I want to own one eventually, but I should probably start with learning how to ride. Hopefully I can do that this summer.

This summer, I pretty much want to do everything I can't do in Starkville. Ride horses and bikes, learn to shoot better, and maybe a little fishing. I haven't done that in forever.

The weekend was good because I got to rest some. It meant missing out on some socializing, but it was worth it to preserve the little sanity I have left. Yeah, I know. It's not much.

I'm fed up with drama, once again. Mine and other people's. Life should be simple. Thoughts and feelings should translate easily to other people and there shouldn't be any discrepancy between what people want. Sadly, it's not that way. It's neither simple nor easy. Sigh.

That's all for tonight.

Rethinking

I keep meaning to post the few things that I've been thinking about lately, but haven't gotten a chance to sit down and organize all my thoughts. This is as good a time as any, so even if it's not totally organized, I'm going to get it down before I forget. You are most likely used to my randomness and disconjointed thoughts if you know me much at all or have been following my blog for any period of time. So here goes.

On the way home from spring break, I borrowed an audio recording of C. S. Lewis reading his book The Four Loves. It took a little over two hours to listen to, but seeing as I was on an 11 hour drive, it was a welcome distraction. In those two hours, I listened to the common sense approach that is typical of Lewis as he explained the differences and nuances of the four different types of love: storge, which Lewis defines as affection; philia, friendship; eros, romantic love; and agape, charity or unconditional love. I think people, including me, very often confuse the different types of love, never acknowledging that there are different loves and lumping them into one big catagory. I think it causes problems because the loves are so different and require different thoughts, feelings, and actions to accompany them. I definitely recommend you listen or read this book. I plan on listening to it again and making notes to post on here. It challenged some notions I had and I'd like to share that.

Two words I never thought I'd put together: country rapper. Check it out here.

And I forgot pretty much everything else I was going to talk about. Perhaps topics for another post.

Breaking

Spring break got off to a great start. I spent the weekend at the beach with friends. It was crazy windy the two days we were there, but it's the beach, it was still great. We watched the sunset and sunrise one day. That was pretty spectacular. Very good times indeed.

I can always think of lots of topics to cover when I'm not actually sitting at the computer. I need a more convenient way to keep up with my thoughts. I'm going to post random thoughts anyway.

I could definitely see myself living in Florida after college. It would be awesome to have a place not far from the beach (because I could never afford waterfront property). I could go to the beach almost every day to watch the sunset. I could ride my bike (when I get enough money to buy one) down the coastal roads. Working down there would be great. Hmm. Maybe I'll tuck that dream away for a while and see what comes.

I was in the kitchen tonight helping/watching my mom cook supper. Before long, my sister came to join us. I love the times we have together cooking and whatnot in the kitchen. We're all relaxed and talk about many different things. Sometimes it's serious, sometimes we're cracking up. The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for good food and great conversation. We should do that more often.

I feel that free spirited mood coming to the surface. Not rebellion really, because I'm not rebelling against anyone or anything, but rather it's an independence and determination. It's hard to explain. I kinda get an attitude, a tough girl attitude. I'm not sure it's such a good thing, but it is what it is. I'm not sure what it's stemming from either. We'll see though. I am dying my hair red tomorrow...well, highlights anyway.

It bothers me when I can't understand people's motives. I don't profess to be good at reading people, but I generally have an idea where people fit into my life. I don't like it when I can figure that out.

My time management skills have been sorely lacking as of late. I need to work on that. Prioritize a little bit better. Perhaps the break will help get things back in focus.

And now it's bedtime. G'night all.

Sunny Days

This week has been great, despite the fact it rained several days and that I had lots to do. Monday was absolutely gorgeous and I spent all afternoon outside. It was amazing. I like cold weather, but I'm ready for springtime and sunshine, flip-flops and shorts. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spring break officially started for me at 3:50 p.m. today. I'm going to spend several days at the beach with some of my closest friends. It's going to be awesome. Then next week I get to go home and be with my family. All of us under one roof! That hasn't happened since Christmas. Sometimes growing up is good, but other times not so fun, as in this case. But next week will be great. I really need a break. I feel like I've been running non-stop for weeks on end. I want to do nothing but relax on the beach and soak in the sun. And maybe talk to people too. :)

I finally got my act together last weekend and got things settled. Instead of being worried and scared about things, I'm excited to see where this new relationship goes. It's great so far. There will be some trials during the summer due to distance, but we'll handle that when we get to it. Right now It's all good. I'm happier than I've been in a while.

Internal Disagreement

My heart says one thing, my head another. Why can they not agree? Which one should I listen to? One is right, one is wrong--but which one is it?

Doubts and Fears

Why am I constantly plagued by doubts and fears? It doesn't matter if I'm totally sure about something, or if I'm trying to decide, these thoughts are always hovering around my head.

I did a little purging this afternoon. I came across some pictures that needed to go and some email conversations as well. I feel a little better, but as always, that kind of purging is bittersweet. Again those doubts of "Did I do the right thing?" and "Am I doing the right thing now?" keep swirling around in my mind. At the least opportune moment, memories and thoughts pop into my mind.

I should have no reason to be meloncholy right now. Things are good. No, things are great. So why do these moods strike me? I just don't understand myself sometimes.

D-Now

This past weekend a group of students from State led a Disciple Now at Agricola Baptist Church. I was asked to lead a group of 9th grade girls. I was nervous about it at first because I've never lead a Bible study group. A friend of mine was helping organize, so I decided to help her out. So we all met at the BSU on Friday and caravanned to Lucedale. Because we had a trailer attached to one of the vehicles, we had to go slower so the trip too about 4 hours. Once we got there and got set up, we ate and then went to worship. I really wasn't prepared for this weekend. As a result, our first small group session didn't go very well. I felt like I was stumbling over my words, repeating myself, and the girls weren't really contributing. I was pretty disappointed. My and my co-leader decided to prepare better for the next session. It went much better, so I felt a little more effective. Saturday night and Sunday morning's sessions were probably the best. I finally felt like the girls were listening to what we said.

I think I learned more this weekend than the girls did. I was faced with how far I've gotten from my first love and from the joy of being a Christian. How I ever thought I could do things on my own, I don't know. I have zero power to make things happen in my life. When I try to run things, I get myself into huge messes. When I finally give up and come back to God, head hung low with tears streaming down my face, He accepts me back, comforts me, and starts to work things out in my life for good, just as He's promised me. I realized that I need to lay aside my fears and insecurities and trust God to work things out. He delights in giving us good things. He wants us to have good things in our lives. So if we let Him, He'll work things out for our best. I've got to hold onto that and not try to make things work the way I want them to.

Zipline

Today was a good day. A very good day. I decided to be brave and get over some pretty deep insecurities and fears I had about being in a relationship again. I can't say it was easy at first, but I really think my fears are irrational. It will be different this time. I kinda felt like I had stepped off the tower of a zipline this afternoon. There was the feeling you get when you're free-falling for that moment until the wire catches you and you begin to move forward. I think this is going to be a pretty amazing ride, and I guess I'll have to wait and see where I wind up. Wherever that may be, I want it to be all for God's glory and not my own.

Bright Picture

These past few weeks have been pretty great, an overall bright picture with few dark spots. I've had great times with friends lately. It seems that last semester, my friendships were tested, at times to their limits. But this semester seems to be a time when friendships are growing and deepening. I am so very thankful for my close friends. I have gained a new friendship from this past summer and it is awesome getting to know her and talk more with her. She's so precious. Other friends are still relatively new as well, but I feel as though I've known them for a long time. Yet others are "old" friends, but the relationship is deepening and widening. This is incredible to me as well. So, you know who you are, and I love y'all!

I have more to say, but it's sleepytime. So, until next post, I bid thee farewell and a good night/day. Adios.

The Road Paved with Good Intentions

No wonder I have a problem making decisions. Every time it's left up to me to decide something that effects other people, I'm bound to make the wrong one. I try to make everyone happy and wind up making everyone ticked off instead. It's enough to make an otherwise optimistic girl cynical at times. My intention tonight was two-fold: to spend time with one friend, while at the same time cheering another one up. I figured that it would work since all those participating were friends and hung out together. Apparently I was wrong. What resulted was the one friend getting ticked off at me and the other even less cheery than before. I'm no good at this relationship thing, whether it be friends or guys. I try and try and try to make things work, be the mediator, make peace with people, and I wind up getting stomped to death in the process.

On another slightly depressing note, it's kinda a downer when you have an idea to do something that you'd enjoy and think other people might enjoy, only to find out that nobody wants to do it with you. And I mean not even one person. This one's too busy, that one doesn't have enough cash, and still another just thinks it isn't that great of an idea to start with. There's a movie I want to see, but no one else wants to see it. Ok, so I'll go by myself. Not a big deal. I wanted to go to the rodeo, but everyone else thought that was pretty lame. (Thanks to an awesome friend, I didn't have to go all by myself though.) I wanted to go skiing so bad for spring break, but yet again it was a flop. The one person who would have gone, found other more willing participants, and is going this week. Gee, thanks. I don't mind doing things myself every once and a while, but it gets old. I do things that other people want to do all the time, even if it's not particularly my favorite. But for them to return the favor, well, it just doesn't happen. BUT, if I do wind up doing something own my own, away from the crowd, I get heckled for that too! I just don't get it...

I'm such a contradiction. I love the beach and the mountains. I wear pearls with leather jackets. I like boots and converse and heels. I enjoy a rodeo as much as a book or play. I like classical music and country music. One set of interests and abilities work well with someone, but my other interests and abilities clash. But take the opposite person and it's the same thing in reverse. It always seems to be a point of contention. Sometimes I think it's nearly impossible to find the person that compliments me. Sure, I can compliment other people well, but I always seem to be lacking something.

Advice and Experiences

Recently I've come across several people having some issues with relationships. Goodness knows this is common, and I've had my share of ups and downs just like anyone else. I think that sometimes things aren't talked about enough. It's really important for Christians to share experiences and advice with each other so that we can learn and grow from others. First, I want to say that if anybody has a problem and wants someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not can help in every situation, but I can be a sounding board. Second, I want to share what I've learned from the things I've been through. I especially want to write to encourage my girls who might be reading this. This is written mostly for girls, because I am one, so that's where my experiences have come from. If there are any guys out there reading this, you may certainly continue, and hopefully you'll get a little insight into the female mind. This might be a tad random, however, because I'm writing as things come to mind.

So, girls, when a guy first starts paying attention to you, watch out! I have been in several situations where I'm going merrily on my way when it suddenly comes to my attention that I have an admirer. This might sound really shallow, but I want to be as honest and as transparent as I can be. Some of the time, I haven't even noticed the guy until he starts paying attention to me. That's not a bad thing. What isn't so great is that I start liking him, not because of what a great guy he is, but because he's giving me the time of day. I'm attracted to the attention. I know it sounds shallow, but I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. This is a big thing especially if there are doubts and fears about the way I look or about my future. Sometimes I can be really insecure and a guy's attention makes me feel better about myself. I'm not saying that you should write off every guy who pays attention to you. Just make sure you find out his character before you go giving your heart to him. Make sure he's worth it.

That brings me to a second thought: Don't give yourself away too quickly. I have a big problem with this. I get very attached to people, very quickly. It's just the kind of personality I have. I have a big heart and see right away the good in people. This is a good way to be, but can also lead to trouble if I'm not careful. There have been several times in the past where I have revealed way too much, way too quickly. I get comfortable with a guy, and we have great conversations, but I wind up saying too much. I'm too quick to tell my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. It's good to be real with people, but if you aren't very careful, they can use that openness against you. Sometimes it's not intentional, yet other times it is. Make very sure that the guy you're talking to is worth you sharing your heart with. Make sure that he isn't going to use the information you share against you.

It's not just shared information that's come back to bite me in the butt, but also emotions. This is a huge thing for me. I'm going to talk to the guys for a minute. Please realize that every sweet thing you say to us, every simple touch, does a number on our hearts and emotions. You have no idea what "you looked very pretty today" or touching our hand does. It's incredibly powerful. Again, these aren't bad things, but please realize what it does, and make sure your intentions match the gesture. Nothing hurts worse that remembering all the beautiful words and gestures, only to realize that in the end it meant nothing at all, that it was only a ploy to get to us. The hurt that brings is hard to describe. It's a lot like a knife being stabbed in the chest. I don't wish that on anyone.

So girls, be really careful to guard your hearts against this. The guy you give your heart and emotions to needs to be worthy of that, because it's a precious thing to share. We are such emotional beings that we do lots of things to get the love and affection we crave. I know the struggle that goes on in our hearts and minds when we are faced with a difficult dilemma. There's a struggle to remain pure and save everything until you are at the point where you give all you have to offer to that amazing guy, and having that need for acceptance and affection. There are times when I crave physical touch, something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold. It's so hard to think when you're in the moment, right there with him. So decide where your boundaries are and what's acceptable way before you're even faced with this decision. I have been in those situations and there were times where I didn't make good choices because I didn't think about it before I was put in a tough spot. There were other times it saved me from a world of heartache.

Be sure not to put yourself in awkward spots. I always thought I would be fine, but like I said, in the moment it's totally different! I know you've heard this from your moms or Sunday school teachers, and so have I. Of course, being the stubborn thing I am, I didn't listen half the time. So much awkwardness could have been avoided. So listen!

Guys, back to you. Don't put her in those situations! Man up and decide that you're going to take the lead in being right in a relationship. Tell her up front what's acceptable and what's not. Don't make her do it all the time. Society says that guys can't control themselves and it's up to the girl to say no. Bull hockey. You are decent human beings and can control yourselves. Be a man and don't back out of having hard or awkward conversations with a girl. Most of us don't bite...too hard, anyway.

Girls, although we crave that attention, don't sacrifice everything to get it. Demand to be treated the way you should be. Don't play second fiddle to work, another girl, or a guys whims. You are so precious and deserve the best. If he does something that bothers you, tell him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they don't realize what they've done or not done even bothers us. So kindly inform him. It's ok to be real with guys and let them know what's going on. Be straight with them. If it's killing you that he's not making a decision, talk to him about it. Don't be nagging or whiny about it. Be a woman and clearly and explicitly (but kindly) tell him what's on your mind. Guys hate guessing and trying to figure out what we want, so tell them.

Don't let your insecurities or fears be the driving force in a relationship. That's what God is for. He's there to be your strength and substance. A guy is only there to compliment what an incredible person you are. If you can't serve God better with that guy, then you need to look harder at that relationship and maybe move on to where God wants you to be.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I certainly don't know it all. In fact, some people reading this are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "She doesn't even practice what she preaches!" That's true. In the past, I haven't followed a lot of the things I've mentioned. I have learned from those mistakes, however, and am trying my best to do differently in the future. My heart's desire is to follow Christ and somewhere along the way meet the guy who has that same desire, who can walk along with me to serve Him better.

I wish I could take all my friends and save them from any hurt that might come their way. I can't, anymore than those close to me wish they could do the same for me. But hopefully my experiences will shine a new light on things, and help you in some way or another. At the very least I hope it was interesting reading. Au revoir.

On an Even Keel

Life has been going pretty good lately. Nothing terrible has happened and nothing terribly exciting either. I'm on an even keel. It's pretty nice, actually. I'm really enjoying it. School isn't too much to handle right now. My friends are awesome and I'm enjoying hanging out with them and getting to know some of them better. I've given up some of the worries that had plagued me last semester and it's really freeing. I've been happier this semester than I've been in a while, and I think it's due to many things, but mostly a change in attitude. I have given up trying to manipulate things to make them work out the way I want them to. While I cannot control my life, I know the One who can.

I had hoped to write more, because I have more to say, but the late hour has effected my ability to think and write. So I'm off to sleep!

Uphill

I was embarrassed by one of my professors today. It was not too much fun. It really upset me, and I really hope he doesn't do it again. Being embarrassed like that kinda made my day go from not-the-greatest to worse. But after going to my last class of the day, a class where my professor is awesome and doesn't make people feel like idiots, I was in a somewhat better mood.

My photography class is going really well. It's my favorite class. I've always loved taking pictures and now I'm learning the skills to take much better ones. I think I have finally found my niche, my "thing." I have to say that makes me really happy, because for so long I've felt like there really wasn't that thing about me that made me stand out. My brother is amazingly talented with music and fencing. My sister has an awesome ability to accomplish so much, and she's athletic and talented with animals. I didn't really have that one thing that I did well. I think maybe photography can be that thing.

So, my mood improved much more after attending my first photography club meeting. I didn't know anyone there, besides my professor, so it was a tad awkward at first, but when we went out shooting, it was pretty great. I got some tips on how to shoot outside at night. The results of my little excursion are posted on Facebook if you're interested.

After shooting until my fingers were numb from the cold, I got a message to join my friends at Subway. Then we all went to "The Abacus," as it's called, to watch the end of the MSU vs. Arkansas basketball game. We didn't win, but hanging out with my friends is always awesome. They're pretty cool people. I almost never want to go home, but sadly, some people have classes on Friday (but not me! ;)

Me!

This is me.  I'm not apologizing anymore for the way I am.  It's my personality, my characteristics, my likes and dislikes, and my quirks.  I like me.  If you don't, that's ok too. Take it or leave it.  I'm fine with you disagreeing, but don't expect me to change just because I don't agree with you.  So many times I try to change myself just to suit other people, but it never works.  The people who love exactly how I am are the people who belong in my life. 

I'm short.  I like being short.  It's never an issue for me, though it seems to bother other people sometimes.  I can wear fabulously high heels.  I love shoes.  All kinds, but especially heels.  Three inches plus, please.  I'm blond with red highlights.  Forget all the stereotypes about blonds.  I don't fit those.  Ok, so I have blond moments, but everyone does, no matter what color your hair is.  I love the red in my hair.  It gives it depth and spunk and personality.  I have hazel eyes that sometimes change depending on what I'm wearing.  I love when they're blueish green and bright green.  My favorite things about my appearance are my eyes, my hair (some days), and my legs.  Random, I know.  I also like randomness and the variety it adds to my life.

I'm part southern belle, part rock and roll, and lots country.  I grew up in a place that was 15 minutes from a loaf of bread, as my dad would say.  A fur piece from town.  I loved it and someday I hope to go back to living that way.  For now, I get as close as I can to that.  Being outside and hearing only sounds that belong to nature is pretty much the most amazing thing ever.  You can't beat it.  I love walking out my door at night and being able to see a multitude of stars shining so bright.  Every sunset I see never fails to amazes me.  I love to appreciate what God has made. 

I'm pretty much a walking contradiction.  I like to dress up, but I like to get dirty too.  I'm quiet and shy, but also crazy and loud.  I'm really sweet, but also really sarcastic.  I like plays, orchestras, and museums, but also guns, fireworks, and 4-wheelers.  I can be the happiest person in the room, or the moodiest.  I have an immense capacity for compassion, but can also shut down and pull away from people.

I love to read Christian fiction and classics.  Fiction is my favorite though.  I like books that grab your attention and force you to stay up until 3am if you have to in order to find out what happens at the end.  I like books where the characters face problems similar to mine, and come out better for it in the end. I've loved to read since I was little.  My mother taught me to read and instilled in me a love for books that stems from her own.  I hope to teach my children to read and give them that same devotion to reading.

I have singular focus when it comes to something I'm invested in.  I go at it with everything I've got.  This applies to relationships, hobbies, or goals.  Some people would say this is good, some bad, and some indifferent.  I'm indifferent I guess.  It's good sometimes, not so good others, but it's how I am.  I have incredible passion and can't give anything less.  This intensity and commitment will pay off someday.  Of that I'm sure.

I have several quirks or pet-peeves.  I can't stand for the egg carton in the refrigerator to be unbalanced.  I don't take from just one side, I take equally from both sides.  Or equally from the center.  Also, I can't stand for the toilet paper to unroll from the bottom.  I like when people bounce their leg.  It's soothing, I think because my dad does that a lot.  I do it too.  Motion puts me to sleep.  I cannot, absolutely cannot stand when people mispronounce the word "figure."  They say "figger."  No.  It's "figUre."  Also "nuclear" as "nucular."  Wrong.  Learn how to speak, please.

People think I'm a quiet, shy good little girl when they first meet me.  While I guess that's true sometimes, it's not a complete picture of me.  I can be a little firecracker when I choose to be.

There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life.  I want to get my private pilot's license.  I want to learn to ride a dirt bike, then a motorcycle, and eventually own one.  Not a Harley or anything, but a sport bike.  Like the Honda CBR6000.  I want to visit all 50 states and as many countries in the world that I can.  Especially Italy.  I've always wanted to go there for some reason.  Which leads to another thing I want to do: Drive a Lambourghini Spyder.  Ah-mazing.  (I like to go fast.)  I want to learn to crochet.  I want to read over 150 books in one year (my record is 100, I believe).  I want to learn how to shoot better.  Go hunting a little more.  I want to be an amazing wife and mother. I want to have a job where I make a difference to people.  I don't want to just blend in the background.

 

Driving, Thinking, and Freezing

I finally made it back to Starkville. I drove home Friday, amid below-freezing temperatures. I didn't encounter any problems because of it, just cold air and a few flurries once I hit Jackson. I love cold weather, but even this is a little cold for me. When you feel like your face is going to freeze off before you make it to the car, it's a little much. Of course, if it were snowing, and if I was somewhere I could ski, you wouldn't hear any complaining out of me.  I was trying to get together a ski trip for spring break, but it seems to be falling though. I'll probably give up and find something else to do. If it weren't dumb to go alone, I would.

The drive back wasn't too bad. I had the four poochies with me, two in the front and two in the back. But it was pretty much uneventful. Well, except for getting pulled over cause I crossed the white line. He just pulled me over to check (probably to see if I was drunk lol) and then said "Have a safe trip!" and I went on my merry way. He was very nice, which was good. I wasn't in the greatest mood though. I allowed myself to take the 11 hours and think about some stuff. I think I got it mostly out of my system, for now at least. I get my hopes up about things, and when I'm disappointed, I go through this process to work it out. First, I'm sad, then I get upset, then angry, and finally indifferent. Usually at the end, I've worked through it and can move on. Hopefully it will turn out that way this time, because I went through all those phases on the drive back. I'm pretty sure I'll get a text message in the next few days and will have to deal with it more. I'm not really looking forward to that...

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Not as many, nor as bad as some people, but it's been painful nonetheless. It seems to be a recurring theme that I get attached to someone, and they don't get so attached to me. But they pay me attention and say nice things to me, so I get jerked back and forth thinking they really do care about me. And maybe they do to some level, but it never seems to be to the level that I do. It's really disappointing. I invest so much time and energy, so much of myself into these dead-end relationships. Because of all this, now I'm scared to death to invest myself into other potential relationships. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that guys aren't out to get me and don't mean to hurt me, it's just an unwanted casualty of things like this. But I honestly don't think I can handle another disappointment like that right now. As a Christian, I know that I should fall back on Christ to help me when I get disappointed, but right now I'm so far from where I need to be.

It occurred to me in church this morning that Christ will never disappoint me. He will always be there. He'll never ignore a message from me, especially in my greatest time of need. He won't ever be to busy for me or forget about me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm His. He won't ever care more for someone else than He does for me. He'll always be there-to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with-every minute of every day. I'm not saying that Christ can take the place of a boyfriend. "Your boyfriend isn't God, and God isn't your boyfriend." But what I am saying is that the relationship that I'm craving is found in Christ. The relationship that I need right now is found in Christ. Yes, I will still have the need for a man, and I pray that one day God will fill that need with a godly husband. But until then, and even then, Christ will be who I rely on and who carries me through the day. When I finally focus on that relationship, I can grow in relationships with other people, even a dating relationship eventually. 

Blemishes or Beauty Marks?

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was messing around on the internet and was on a picture editing site and uploaded a random picture of myself. I started looking at the different things you could do to change or edit the picture, and came across the "Blemish Remover." I thought "Heck yes!" and started zapping away. The more I looked, the more I saw that needed erasing. When I was done, I looked at the picture. Hmm. It didn't really look like me. Not because it had changed the picture that drastically, but because those features that make me, me, weren't there anymore. They may be small things, but they are a part of me, and identify me nonetheless. I realized that I do this quite often. Not with pictures, but with other parts of me. I try to erase all the "blemishes" of character or mannerisms that I think aren't good, or that people won't like. Depending on who I'm around, I try to change myself to fit what I think they like. So the "me" that is presented to other people isn't the real me. It's some sort of edited and blemish-free version. It's the so-called blemishes that make us who we are. They are as much a part of us as our hair color or voice, and shouldn't be hidden. I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to improve ourselves. There's always room for improvement. But what we shouldn't do is hide or change who we really are just to fit what we think someone else will like. We should be ourselves, and if someone doesn't like it, they aren't someone worth our time and effort.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

These are the notes from Bro. Ellis Mckinzie's sermon this morning.  It's exactly what I needed to hear.

Seven Keys to Having a Good Year

1) Live one day at a time.

James 4:13-15: "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.'  Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow  You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'"

Stan Getz was a famous saxophone player who had cancer.  When asked what he learned from his illness he replied, "I learned that life is not a dress rehearsal."

Look at the simple things in life.  Enjoy the little things that happen everyday.

2) Live with a view to the end.

Philippians 3:13-14: "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

1 Corinthians 9:24: "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win."

2 Timothy 4:8: "In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing."

3) Give yourself to others.

John 13:15-17 (After Jesus washes the disciple's feet): "For I have you an example that you also should do as I did to you.  Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him.  If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them."

Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over.  For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."

Giving to others leads to happiness.

4) Learn to forgive and forget

Matthew 6:15: "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."

Colossians 3:13 "...bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."

5) Face adversity with courage

Romans 5:3-5: "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

6) Keep a good sense of humor.

Proverbs 15:13: "A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 15:30: "Bright eyes gladden the heart; Good news puts fat on the bones."

Proverbs 17:22: "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

7) Put your life in God's hands.

Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."

Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid."

Romans 15:13: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"You can spend your life any way you like, but you can only spend it once."

One Week

Only one week left of Christmas break!! Seven short days. It's gone by so fast. It has been good though. And was a much needed break away from Starkville and school and stress.

Christmas was really good this year. It was a quite one, just me and my family. It was nice to take some time and just hang out together. Usually we're working when all of us are home, which is good too, but it was nice just to chill.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. Thursday night I'll be hanging out with my Sunday school class. They're always a fun bunch. Hopefully everyone will be able to be there. Then Friday, my two aunts will be here (they're coming tomorrow!) and family from Houston. It will be good to see my cousin (who's my age) cause I haven't seen her in ages! Trying to keep up with people is difficult sometimes, even if they are family.

I haven't posted many pictures with my posts lately, but hopefully that will change soon. I got a really neat camera for Christmas, and will be using it often, especially with the photography class I'm taking this semester.

I know everyone makes New's Years resolutions, but I've never really been big into doing that. So, instead I've got a few goals in mind for the next semester. That's about as far into the future as I can think about right now. For one thing, I'm going to stay busier than I was last semester. I had too much downtime. Not a good thing for me. So, I'm going to volunteer with the local Red Cross. I'm looking into a summer internship with them, and that would give me some good experience. I'm also going to go to the gym more. I've decided to swim laps. I'm a good swimmer, and it's something I enjoy doing. I should be able to get that in a few times a week with the schedule I have. That's pretty much all I've come up with so far. My classes should keep me pretty busy, especially photography, as well as hanging out with friends. I'm also scheming up a few weekend trips, and definitely something for spring break. I want to go skiing! If I can find only one other person to go with me, I'm headed to Santa Fe for the break. We'll see.

Well, there's a quick update. I'm going to spend the next seven days with family, and some time with friends too, hopefully. I want to be rested and recovered enough to face the new semester with a good attitude.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I've never had the best of timin'.
I open my mouth when I should be silent,
And just the time I should speak
Is when I say nothing at all.

When you're around, I'm clumsy.
I trip over my feet and my words, see
I can't say what I'm really thinking
'Cause you scramble all my thoughts.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

What we have is amazing.
You don't know it, but you're making
My heart want to beat
Right out of my chest.

Whether it's the distance of miles
Or the distance of our hearts
I'll never know, because you are to me
Like a closed window.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can see glimpses inside
But I can't reach through the glass
That covers your heart
And hides all that I miss.

One day you'll break that glass and let someone through
And in doing that you'll prove
That you're exactly who she needs,
And she'll be everything to you.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

I can only hope that someday
It will happen that way
For me, even if it's with someone
Who isn't you.

I don't understand why things are
The way they are and I'm so far
From where I want to be, but if I weren't,
It seems things would work out perfectly.

If it weren't the wrong place, wrong time
Maybe this would be just what I've waited for.
But 'cause it's the wrong place, wrong time
I'm left standing here, wanting more.

Sunshine!

Finally, today the sun started shining. I don't think I've seen the Texas sun since I arrived a week ago.  It was nice to have cold weather, but it's my opinion that if it's cold and wet, it should be snowing!  Though with all my complaining about the rain, it was amazing to fall asleep to the drizzle the other night.  It wasn't raining hard, just enough so that I could hear the dripping off the roof outside my window.

So what's going on right now-hmm. Well, we're still trying to get the house back in order after our whirlwind rennovation this summer.  There were some kinks in the plan, and we're still putting down the tile floors.  At the rate we're going, we WILL have a livingroom for Christmas! That is very good news, as we have been without one for about four months now.

While it's tiring to have to get up and get to work every morning, it is kinda nice to do some physical labor.  I'm rather pitiful and don't do much during the semester. (Hoping to change that this coming semester though.)  It's a nice change from sitting in hour long lectures every day. Sore muscles are a nuisance sometimes, but other times it feels kinda nice.  A reminder I've accomplished something.

I'm leaving this weekend to spend three days in Mississippi.  I'm happy to be going, because a good friend of mine is getting married.  They are the cutest couple and I wish them every happiness.  But it cuts some time from my break here. And, being very much human as I am, I am getting a tad jealous.  Sigh.  One day.

I was reminded this week that I'm not a very patient person.  While having to wait on an answer, the later in the day it got, the more disappointed and irritable I became.  Hopefully my impatience will get better as time goes on.  I've been waiting for some things a very long time, and some things I will have to wait a bit longer for. Sigh again.

I have an itch to go skiing.  Really bad!!! Every time someone mentions snow or skiing, I want to pack up right now and head north/west.  I would love to get a trip together for this spring break, but I'm afraid I can't find anyone actually willing to go.  I've had a few "that sounds like a good idea"s, but no takers yet. So, guess I keep looking at options and begging people to go with me.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  It was nice to chat for a while about different things going on in our lives.  I do worry that I talk about me too much.  But then again, I worry about everything-talking too much, too little, too shallow subjects, too deep subjects.  There's that moderation thing that keeps popping up wherever I look.

Ah well, my break is over and I should get back to work.

Lost Thoughts

Do you ever sit around thinking or in the course of the day a thought pops into your head, a rather good one, but no one is around to share it with?  Do you feel as though this thought is wasted? Just something I thought about. Kind of random, I know.

I thought when I first started writing that I had quite a bit to say. But it has either escaped me or isn't untangled enough from my head for it to be written down properly. So, that is all for now.

TTFN

Some Other Beginning's End

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
Closing Time -Semisonic

Well, I must say that I'm happy that this new begining is the result of another beginning ending. Confusing? Well, my life as of late has been pretty confusing, so it fits. But, the semester is officially over!!!!!! All I'm waiting on is grades, and the two that I was worried about weren't so bad. So it's a great beginning so far! I finished up exams on Friday and spent a great weekend just hanging out with friends before they left for the semester. Yesterday and today I slept in, even later that I usually would.  I figured I would take advantage of that since I won't get to when I get home.  Too much to do!  I cleaned the house, made Christmas cookies, and did a little online Christmas shopping last night.  It was rather pleasant.  It was pretty good cause I got to be in the same house with my sister for once.  We've both been pretty busy this semester and our schedules didn't usually match up.  Today I think I'll make more cookies.  Probably a good thing because I have about four pounds of dough in my refridgerator right now...

I didn't go home right away after my exams because one of my good friends is getting married this month, and her bachelorette party is tomorrow night.  It should be interesting.  And fun!  It's been pretty nice actually, not having too much to do, and spending some time just for leisure.  I'm ready to go home though.  I'm determined that my time at home with my family is going to be as great, if not greater, than the first few days of the break.  I want no arguing or fussing!  And that means on my part.  I'm soooo tired of conflict, so none of that please.

I also want to see my friends from Texas.  I have an awesome Sunday school class back home, and spending time with them is always fun.  We're going to Houston Friday night to buy soccer balls to give to a couple going on a mission trip over the break.  And, of course, we're going to eat mexican food.  It's pretty much a class tradition.

This semester has been...hard, to say the least.  Very hard.  I want to erase all the hard things I had to face, and never look at them again.  I can't do that, but I can leave the past in the past and move on.  Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to use the break to get rid of some of the worries and bad moods I've been carrying around.  There are still several things that are uncertain, and a few things I need to get settled with people, but hopefully that will turn out ok.  I'm not going to spaz out about it.  Well, I'll try not to anyway.

I've been slow to get into the Christmas mood this year, but finally I'm there.  I'm listening to Christmas music, making Christmas cookies, and we finally decorated our house.  It's pretty. :)  I was sooo ready for Christmas break to get here, and I'm so glad it's finally here.  I'll probably be wishing for time to slow down for a while.  So far, it kinda feels like it has, and I'm ok with this.

So, I just wanted to say thanks for hanging on with me through this past semester.  At times I've not been very fun to talk to, be around, or even read about, but thanks for staying with me.  The people in my life really make everything worthwhile.  I love you guys!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!  :)

A Moment or Two

I only have a few minutes before I have to go to my next class, but I haven't posted in a while. So here's an update.

It's Friday! I always look forward to the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. I think it will be a good weekend. I hope so at least. Next weekend I head to California with my friend to attend a Marine Military Ball. I'm pretty excited about it. I've never been to Cali before, and how cool is a military ball?

Things have been kinda rough lately. The happy mood I was in from my last few posts didn't stick around long. I'm still dealing with some hurt. I need to get through it and move on. There have been some long and lonely nights, but I'm getting through it with help from my family and friends. I know I'm being prayed for and that helps more than you can know. I think if I can make it to the end of the semester, finish finals, I'll be ok. I need a break. I hope Christmas break will provide some relief.

Well, off to Ethics class to discuss lifestyle choices. Oh fun...

Haven't Met You Yet

A friend of mine posted some of these lyrics on Facebook, so I thought I'd share, because I like the song, and I like Michael Buble. :)


Watch the video here

Haven't Met You Yet

By Michael Buble

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

A Change

I don't know whether it's the weather, or just that I desperately need a change, but I've decided I'm tired of being depressed and upset about eveything. I'm ready to be happy again. So with the beautiful weather comes a change of attitude. I've been focusing on everything that's been wrong in my life. Granted, everything's not perfect, but it never is, nor ever will be. For me, or for anyone. But when I started to look at things with a different perspective today, things really aren't that bad. I have lots of things going for me and I'm really blessed. I have amazing family that loves me, and incredible friends that are there with me through whatever comes as well. This alone should make me grateful. I focus on my future a lot (as any college student does) and all I see sometimes is uncertainty. That uncertainty could be interpreted as opportunity. There's almost endless possiblilities for things I can do with my life. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to. I have mulititudes of chances to make a difference in people and am going to take those chances when they come. So instead of freaking out because things aren't going the way I think they should, maybe I should look at what's happening and know it's for the best, however it turns out.

I'm also giving up coke. (As in the soda lol.) I think I'll function better without it and it gets expensive when you add it all up. Detoxing should be interesting, however. lol. So we'll see how that goes.

Hope if you are reading this that you are having a good day, and if not, don't worry-things will get better!

Stuck in Reverse

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I'm sitting in the library, dreading sitting through my next class. I usually eat lunch with friends during this time, but today I tried working on a presentation. Needless to say, it didn't work, or I wouldn't be sitting here typing. It's raining outside...again. It has rained for four weeks straight. And I'm not exaggerating. I am so sick of the rain. I hate walking to class and getting drenched, then sitting through a long and boring class, miserable because I'm soaked and cold. So, the rain has not helped my already fragile mood. Things have seemed to get worse lately. I haven't had the best semester so far, for many resons, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I do have fun hanging out with my friends, and we've done some cool things this semester. I've also gotten to know more people and know them better. But I get these waves of sadness and hopelessness. Sometimes they come from things that are happening in my life, but other times, it seems random, like right now. Sometimes they come and go quickly and other times seem to stick around for a while. I'm so tired. Tired of struggling with every single thing in my life. Tired of classes. Tired of everything I touch falling apart. Tired of trying. I know the way I've been the past few weeks has been a burden to people around me. I'm pretty sure it's getting to the point where they are afraid to even ask how my day has been. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the optimistic and genuinely happy person I used to be. (And I really wish the dude on the computer next to me would quit banging on the desk!) I don't want to be constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to be scared of tomorrow and what might happen. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until it's sunny outide and everything's better. But I know I can't. Things won't get better if I ignore them. Ugh. Life. Not cool.     

Fail

Today was the first day back to school. I was out last week for three days, and Monday-Tuesday of this week was a holiday. So I haven't been to school in a week. I just got out of my 8 o'clock Spanish class. We had a test. I didn't know about this test. I failed this test. I don't normally curse, but right now I'm so angry that I could curse a blue streak. It's terrible but that's what's flying around in my head right now. I want to scream, or at the very least talk to someone about it, but it seems that no one answers text messages at nine in the morning. I really want to punch something right now. It's probably a good thing I'm sitting on campus in a relatively quite room or I'd probably have a broken computer and/or hand. Not many things make me mad, but apparently failing a test does. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it!!!! My professor is so hard nosed. He doesn't care if we all flunk. So even if I asked, he woudn't do anything- no extra credit, no make-up. If I hadn't had to spend two nights in the ER last week and been put on stupid painkillers, maybe I would have known about the test and actually studied for it. This sucks. Big time. I hate when crap like this happens, and aparently it likes to happen to me. This year is not turning out to be better than last. It's getting worse every day that passes. I'm going to go crawl into a fetal position and hide from the world for a while. Maybe I'll come out in a few years. Oh wait, I have class at ten. Yay me.