Perseverance!

My perseverance in job hunting finally paid off!  I accepted a job offer last week.  I was so happy and excited to finally have a job and a way to support myself.  The things that are going to happen next in my life are pretty exciting.

For this job I have to go to training.  It will be about a month long.  I will be training in Pittsburgh, Charlotte, Nashville, and Portland.  I'm looking forward to the travel and meeting new people.  The only drawback is possibly being gone three or four weeks straight.  I'm gonna miss him a lot!  But we'll make it through alright.

I'm going Monday to look for an apartment.  I've been looking around on the internet for several days.  I found one place that looked amazing.  Too good to be true.  It was a huge one bedroom apartment for $200 less than I thought I would have to pay.  Well, after I read some reviews on it, I think it really is too good to be true.  About 4 reviews mentioned cars being broken into, and another mentioned a shooting!  Not exactly what I'm looking for.  I'll see all the law enforcement I need to see when my guy and I hang out (he's a deputy, if you're wondering).  I don't need them all around my apartment complex!  Luckily, I've located another complex with some really great floorplans.  I'll even get a room for an office here.  Rent is a little more that I'd like to pay, but I'll deal with it to live in a safe and nice place.

I've been trying to figure out my financial situation.  All the numbers and calculations, budgets, bank accounts, credit cards and insurance is making my head spin!  I've about got it all figured out now though.  At least for the moment.  I found a nifty Excel template to use for my budget.  You can find it here.

I guess that's about all for now.  Adios.

Hopes Rising

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this job like I do every time, but as usual, it's not working very well.  I keep picturing myself doing this job.  I just hope it's coming across in the phone interviews.  I've had two so far, with one left on Monday.  I even dreamed about the job last night!  I should know the outcome by next Thursday or Friday.  Hoping for the best!

Well...

I made the cut to finalist, and I have three phone interviews scheduled this week and next.  So I'm hoping this pans out. We'll see.

Observation #1:
My friends are blogging more this summer.  I like that.  I love reading what's going on in their life via the great blogosphere.

Observations #2:
I love summer.  These are reasons why: sunglasses, frozen drinks, flip-flops, friends, sand, sun, sunscreen, water, mild nights, free time, country music, citrus, tans, windows down, reading, hobbies, and so much more.

Observations #3:
People in public who laugh at something they're reading or listening to are amusing.  I've done it before though, so I can't judge.

Observation #4:
This weekend My Love is going to get a boxer puppy.  I am as excited as he is.  I love puppies!

Observation #5:
I love coffee shops.  Especially this one in Brandon.  It's comfortable, relaxing, and fun to go to.

I think that's all the observations I have for now. Stay tuned.

Crossing My Fingers

I have found a fleeting internet connection and hope it lasts 'til I can finish the post!

Tonight I'm going to an information session about a job.  I have to speak while I'm there too.  I get so nervous when I speak in public!  But that's pretty much what the job requires, so I've got to beat the nerves and do good so they will hire me!  I need a job so bad!  It would help so many things that are going on right now.  Finances, family, my relationship, my sanity. No kidding.

I'm ready for my life to start, so to speak.  I'm ready for my days to be filled with meaningful work, seeing my guy, working out, and doing things I enjoy, instead of watching my guilty pleasure in the morning, eating, and searching for this phantom internet connection.  It's the highlight of my day when I have an errand to run.  I'm 22 years old.  I want to be doing things that a single (as in not married) girl should do.  Heck, if I make enough money, I may travel some.  

I always sit down to blog and think I have so much to say.  And maybe I do, but somehow it doesn't all translate from my brain to my fingers.  There's so much going on in my head and in my life.  Part of it gets cut for privacy sake.  I can't put everything online for all to see.  Some of it gets left out because I'm forgetful.  So I guess that only leaves a little bit left to write about.

I have a chance to go to Washington, D.C. this weekend.  It would be an awesome trip, but I'm afraid I'll miss out on a job opportunity.  I really can't decide anything until after tonight.

So, we all know that I don't like change.  But what if it's change that I had previously wanted?  Why do I have a problem with that?  I think half my problem is that I have an expectation of how the people I'm close to act.  When they act opposite of my notion, I freak out.  Even if it's something I wanted.  That makes no sense whatsoever.  I wonder sometimes what kind of nutcase am I?

Apparently the kind of nutcase who is contemplating joining a roller derby team.  I'm not sure if this is one of those I-read-it-in-a-book-or-saw-it-on-a-movie/tv-and-now-I-want-to-do-it urges, or if it's something I could actually do.  I guess if I ever get the courage up to go watch a practice, I'll find out.

So I guess I did have a bit to write about today.  Go figure.  Hopefully my next post will be titled "YOU'RE HIRED!"

The Waiting Game and A Little Mush

CAUTION: If mushy stuff appalls you, you might want to avoid this post.

But first, I'll talk about the waiting game.  I'm learning yet another lesson in patience.  I have been applying for jobs for almost four months now. I keep getting discouraged in thinking I'll never get hired.  It's tough waiting for employers to respond to applications, and most of the time they never do.  I also get stressed thinking about the financial aspect of things.  I need a new computer soon.  If it goes out, it'll be hard to keep looking for and applying for jobs.  Other things like that.  I need a job soon.  I need to get into a routine.  I think I'll be less neurotic that way.

Even through the worry, I still have time for the mushy stuff.  Just yesterday I was reminded how much I love him.  We were riding in the truck, on the way to get a Blizzard from DQ.  The windows were down, music up, and he was singing along.  I looked over at him, and he smiled at me. It still gives me butterflies.  And I still love holding his hand as much as I did the first time, seven months ago.  I don't ever want to lose that feeling.  We were talking just the other day about when we first started dating.  We didn't waste time getting to know each other.  From the first date, we spent pretty much every day together.  We have had some great times, and I cannot wait to see what's in store for us.  He is so good to me.  He takes care of me and loves me more than life.

The heat outside tells me summer is here, but this summer is different than I've ever experienced.  It hadn't really felt like summer until yesterday.  When we were in the car, riding with the windows down and summer country music playing, it started to feel like it.  I'm hoping to go to the reservoir this week sometime for a picnic.  Being by the water is very summery.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  Back to job hunting...    

Ready, Set...

So I'm not to the "Go" part yet.  I wish I was!  I really like Brandon.  I'm ready to move here, start working, and living.  I have an apartment complex in mind where I want to live, but it depends on whether or not they have one open.  There are a couple others that would be good too.  There's a Curves down the street that I'm thinking about joining.  I think it would be a better atmosphere for me to work out in.  A regular gym is too intimidating. I'm going tomorrow to the First Baptist Church to see what it's like.  I am really hoping something will happen this week as far as a job is concerned. I'm crossing my fingers.  I feel like my life is on hold and I'm just biding my time until it gets going again.  I know the days ahead will be great.  Working, being active, and spending time with my love.  It will be great. :)

“It’ll all work out.”

Please, please do not say that to me right now. I mean, if you really think about it, of course it will work out. There will be an outcome no matter what it is.  But how much heartache will it take until it's "worked out?"  How many tears until it's "worked out?"  How many hurt feelings and broken promises?  Well?

 

Why do I even try?  It's almost pointless.  I get disappointed again and again and again.  So why do I keep going?  Why do I apply for jobs?  Why do I make promises?  Why do people count on me when I can never, ever do anything right? 

 

I am having to fight so hard to keep those feelings away.  I cannot, absolutely cannot have a repeat of the same feelings I had last year.  I have no reason at all for them, but I didn't have a reason for them last year either.  I feel like I could crawl in bed and not come out for a month.  I really could this time though.  I don't have any obligations as far as school and job are concerned.  It's really tempting.

 

I hate the ache that's inside my heart.  I miss him so much it's a physical pain in my chest.  I count the days until we can be together again, but when I don't know when that will be, it's even worse. 

 

I hate not having a say in what's happening in my life right now.  I keep making plans and having dreams and they are immediately squashed.  It goes back to why do I even try?

 

I hate this. 

Running on Empty

I don't even know where to start.  The emotions I have swirling through my head are enough to make even the most emotionally stable person collapse in a heap.  I am trying so hard to make things work.  I am balancing relationships on either side and myself caught in the middle.  I have to think for myself, but also consider what each side is saying. If I try to do what I want to do, I'm accused of acting as someone else wants me to.  I do have a mind of my own.  At any given time, someone is going to be upset with me.  I've almost come to terms with this.  That's a big almost.

I hate this limbo I'm in.  I am 22 years old.  A recent graduate.  I have a gnawing desire to be out on my own, doing my thing.  I can't make that happen right now and it's about to kill me.  I am not a patient person.  I have waited and waited for the answer I need, and still haven't heard.  I don't know what plan B is.  I want plan A to work.  Why can't my phone ring, and on the other end hear, "you're hired!"?  I need to get hired, get an apartment, get a car, and start living my life as a 22 year old woman.  That's what I need.

Sleepless Night

Nights when I can't fall asleep are always tedious. Sometimes they're difficult, but tonight it's not bad things on my mind. Not bad things, just deep, thought-provoking things. I've done the typical things I usually do to occupy myself until I'm sleepy, but tonight that just added fuel to the fire.

I have a job interview for a job I really, really want in less than 2 weeks. I'm very excited, but nervous and anxious as well. I haven't had many other promising inquiries, and if I don't get this job it's going to be very disappointing. It seems just right for me: what I want to do and am capable of doing in the location I want to be in. I'm going to research as much as possible about the company and the position, and try to be my best at the interview.

I've also been thinking a lot about my future. There are very, very exciting things that I am looking forward to. There are also things that will be very difficult. There are certain aspects that I have no control over, and no idea how we'll accomplish that. But as long as I have the one I love by my side, we can make it though. I am about to head straight into the most difficult and rewarding life I could imagine.

Time for Something New...Another Something New

Amidst the newness approaching with April 30th, I am facing another new situation: a new car.  Alas, on the way to an interview last week, I was in a wreck. I wasn't hurt, but my poor, poor Saturn took the full brunt of the blow. She is totaled. :,(  So in the wake of losing my faithful 4 year college companion, I must find another vehicle.  I don't have much moo-lah to work with, so I'm going used.  Better value for the money anyway.  I have a hot lead on a Ford Explorer in Austin. It's maroon. :)  And has power petals and leather seats.  Fancy!  I'm hopefully going to look at it tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed!

My Dress Pants Don't Fit...

The title of this post brings me to two topics: 1) my clothes not fitting and 2) dress clothes. 

As for topic 1:

My clothes don't fit anymore. I've gained some weight since last semester. It seems to always happen in the spring, which is the worst possible time for it to happen because spring precedes summer. Bummer.  So I've decided that I can do a diet for 2 weeks.  The Special K diet to be exact.  Today was Day 1, and it wasn't so bad.  I had a protein shake for breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, a granola bar for snack, and a normal dinner.  I splurged a little by buying a coke and a small bag of chips (not just any chips- Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, aka crack chips. I'm addicted) this afternoon before my group meeting.  Tomorrow I will do better.  So here's to hoping I lose those 6 promised pounds in two weeks. 

Topic 2:

It's crunch time. And no, not because of the granola bar I'm eating.  It's because I graduate in exactly one month. Four weeks. Thirty days.  Yep.  I'm in overdrive applying for jobs.  I think I submitted 6 applications last night alone, and another 2 today.  I have two interviews lined up, starting tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. I'm hoping there's more to come.  The ideal situation would be to have to chose between job offers.  Yeah, I can definitely handle that. We'll see what comes though.

Time to Grow Up

I really started thinking today about graduation and the end of my college career.  I have been in a clean out mood the past couple days so I was cleaning out and organizing my room.  As I tried on clothes and decided what to keep and what to donate, and I came across a brown and pink polka dot dress.  It's a very cute dress, one that I've worn several times before.  I got it at the end of high school and wore into college.  I tried it on today (miraculously, this dress escaped the closet shrinkage that my other clothes have been infected with...), and looked at myself in the mirror.  It's still a cute style, but it just didn't fit the image of me, a 22 year old, soon to be independent career woman.

I can feel a change coming on, a different stage of life starting where one is ending. On one hand, it's sad that I'm no longer going to be a college student.  I'm going to miss lots of things about college.  There will be other things I won't miss so much.  But I'm definitely excited about what's to come. I'm excited about getting a full-time job and all the challenges and new opportunities that brings.  I'm excited about moving into my own apartment again (like I did freshman year of college), but being on my own and independent.  Though that brings tons and tons of responsibility with it, I think I'm ready.  I hope so anyway.  If I'm not, I have people that will always be there to help me.  I'm excited about spending the summer with My Other Half and getting to know each other more.  The past five months have been phenomenal.  I couldn't have asked for more, and I have been happier than I've ever been.  But that is a different story.  One I could write pages and pages on.

I'm trying very hard to make good decisions for myself, and to form a foundation that will serve me well throughout my life.  It's really difficult sometimes.  I have to juggle different roles: student, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. It's not easy.  But it is fulfilling to have those great relationships in my life.  A lot of people don't have that. I'm very blessed in so many ways.
 

Surrounded by Books

I'm killing time before my group meeting.  I had to come to town early, but didn't want to go back to my house and then turn right around and go to campus.  So I'm sitting in the forth floor of the library in a very cozy spot. There's a chair sitting by a window, and there are rows and rows of books to my left.  I like being surrounded by books. Makes me feel instantly smarter.  Also makes me miss reading for pleasure.  I keep saying I'll get a chance to in the summer, but who knows.  I'd like to though.  I have about 4 books on my shelf at home that I have never read.

The wait is killing me.  I have applied for several jobs and have heard nothing from them.  I don't think I got the job I interviewed for last week.  It's a bummer.  I'm going to try to start babysitting again for some extra cash. I hate having to worry about money.

Right Now

Things on my mind right now:

1) Photography.  I want to take more pictures.  I see pictures that other people have taken and I'm jealous. And in awe.  And it makes me happy.  I haven't even picked up my camera in weeks.  Sad.

2) Homeschooling.  Begin in college now, and about to graduate, I haven't thought much about it recently. I almost miss it. Weird.  Never thought I'd say that.  But I was reading The Pioneer Woman blog tonight (which is an awesome blog, btw. thepioneerwoman.com) and there was a post from her daughter about homeschooling.  There aren't many things I've passionate about, but this is one of them.  I lived through all my school years homeschooling and loved it.  I never wished to be in public school.  And when people throw the "problems" with homeschooling in my face, I get really defensive and want to tear into someone.  Especially the "homeschoolers are socially disadvantaged" argument.  It doesn't hold water.  Do you know how many public or private school kids I've met that are socially awkward?  It doesn't matter where you went to school, it matters how you were raised. So it's a terrible argument.  I want to homeschool my kids. I realize that everyone will oppose that, possibly even my spouse at first, but it's something I feel strongly about.  My mom and dad will be the biggest supporters though.  My mom knows first-hand all the trials and rewards involved.  She's the reason I want to homeschool my kids.

3) Pizza: With a side of ranch, is in the fridge that is calling my name.

Mobile Blogging

Because I'm a girl on the go, I thought I would try out mobile blogging. Hopefully I'll be able to post more often this way. It's not too often that I sit down at the computer with nothing else to do but blog. In the last couple weeks, it's not often I'm sitting in one place too long at a time. 

It occurred to me this morning walking to class that I should think about 1) things I should do before marriage and 2) things I should do before kids. Not that either one of those things is imminent, but I don't want to wind up looking back and having regrets or trying to be 22 again when I'm a wife and mother. I've known people who have done that and it's not cool. Not for the marriage and not for the kids. So this is just me looking three steps ahead (as usual). 

Senioritis is kicking in. Actually, it's kicking like a mule. My attention is all but gone during lecture and my drive to get things done isn't very strong at this point. My major class takes most of my attention, but other classes are way under that in my priorities. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like crap lately. So much so that I'm going to the doctor about it. I hate going to the doctor... 

Cross your fingers for my job interview tomorrow at 11. It's a student worker position for this semester. Still waiting to hear about the post-grad jobs I've applied for.

New Reads

Because of my hectic life at the moment, I don't have time to read books like I'd like to. But I manage time for blogs. And not during class...ahem. Anywho, I'm looking for new and exciting/interesting blogs to follow. Suggestions? Muchas gracias.

Blahs and Boo-hoos

The past two weeks have been stressful. I haven't been in a great mood.  One of those moods where all the little things start meshing together and making one Big Thing that threatens to eat me whole. Not so fond of that feeling.  At least it's not the breathing under water feeling.  But the past two weeks have been especially trying. I'm to that "I can't do anything right" point. I'm disappointing people right and left. My feelings get hurt way too easily. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've had a perpetual headache for about a week now.  Exhausted from the time I step out of bed.  School is getting the better of me.  Yikes.  It's a mess.

Today was rough. I wished I could wake up and try it all over again from the beginning.  I'm not sure why these two weeks have been so rough.  Nothing earth-shattering have happened.  Just small things popping up.  A large part of it is my mood and not feeling well.  I'm being strongly encouraged to go to the doctor about it, but I'm not so keen on that idea.  I know I need to though. Ugh.

I'm tired but I'm in no mood to sleep.  I need to work some things out of my system.  I'm aware that 1:36 a.m. is a bad time to do that, but it is what it is.  I have the urge to go back and read my old journals right now.  I was watching a show earlier that was talking about a journal this guy had back when he was a teenager and how his mom found it and read it.  I have several old journals about random stuff.  Most of them were when I was a teenager too. We'll see what I find.

I'll get to sleep eventually.

Austen

I've been in a Jane Austen mood lately.  I love her books and wish I had time to read them more.  I have a good many of the movies that they made from the books.  They're all very good.  I especially like the BBC mini series of Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

I'm fascinated by the time period and the characters in her stories.  The scenery, music, and clothing are all so beautiful.  I think it's the allure of another time and place that draws me to it.  The stories and characters are not so different than people today.  If you take away the clothing and speech, they would act just as people do today.  Austen crafts her characters to point out human flaws.  The stories are touching and deep, but also have elements of humor.  I love it all.

"The Time Has Come"...

...the walrus said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll

As the title implies, it's time for another post.  I should be asleep right about now, but isn't that how things always go. 

Christmas break was great.  I got time to see my family and spent Christmas morning with people I love.  It was hard being away from my guy, but we managed to handle the distance well.  I'm back in Starkvegas this week and have been spending time with him and settling in for the next semester.  I had a job interview on Monday that I think went very well.  I'll get the results of that later this week. (Crossing my fingers that I got the internship!)  Classes officially start tomorrow, but I only have Tuesday-Thursday classes.  Should be pretty great.  I'm in a cleaning mood tomorrow, so I plan on going through closets and such and getting rid of unnecessaries.  Better watch out, Mr. Closet Monster, I'm comin' in.  

While being in this relationship is more that I ever dreamed or imagined, I need to be careful about some things.  My personality is what I'm going to phrase an adapter.  I change to fit other people's personality so that everything works.  While that's a great thing sometimes, other times I tend to lose a bit of myself.  I'm fully aware of it this time around, so I think I can do a few things to make sure I'm not changing to make others happy.  Compromise is one thing, complete overhaul is another.  I need to make sure I keep around the things  that are essentially me.  For instance, my guy likes country music.  So do I, and have for quite some time now.  But there is other music that I like, that I listened to quite a bit before I met him.  It's not like he told me I can't listen to that music now, but I just adapt my music tastes to his.  Some of it is legitimately that I like the same music, and others it that I listen to it because he likes it.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I shouldn't lose the other kinds of music that I like in the process.  Most of the things are very small and not too noticeable.  But if I want someone to love me just like I am, I need to be fully myself and not an adapter.  I'm working on it. 

Things that are essentially me: I like some girly things like chick flicks, jewelry, purses, and other general foo-foo at times.  I like classical music, popular rock, and acoustic/bluegrass.  As country as I am, there's a good bit of the whole rocker girl there.  I'm a bit of a rebel.  I'm competitive and independent to a point.  I can take care of myself.  I really enjoy things like fine Italian food, hot tea, classic literature, plays, symphonies, and museums.  I love skiing and ice skating.  I dream of going to Italy one day. 

Speaking of ice, it's freezing in here.  It's interesting sometimes when it's my sister paying the light bill.  Needless to say, our heater isn't getting a big workout at the moment.  There are currently four blankets on my bed.  There would be a few more, but I'm too cold to get up and get another one from the living room.  That reminds me, I need to get up and brush my teeth.  Sigh.  I hate getting ready for bed.  I'd like to just fall into bed and pass out.  But no, I've got to wash my face, take meds, and brush my teeth.  Oh well.  Here goes.  Until next time, goodnight to my wonderful world of internet readers.        

Thousand Dollar Wit

Soo... Recently my posts (though sparing) have been somewhat in the direction of the not so happy. Ok, downright depressing. But I've decided to pull out that thousand dollar wit and humor again to have you thoroughly entertained.  Ok, so somewhat amused at least.  I hope.  Ahem.

So let's get the ball rolling.  Since I don't have anything in particular to rant about nor do I have an appropriate soapbox topic as of late, I'll go on about what's going on in my life.  I know you're on the edge of your seat now.

I successfully (depending on how you define success) finished another semester of college.  I passed all my classes and didn't bomb my gpa too bad.  I have ONE more semester left!  It can't end soon enough.  But then again, I like the college life.  Just not the classes, tests, teachers, and that sort of stuff.  Ah well.  I'm taking 12 hours (the least number of hours I've had in the history of ever) and I'm looking forward to it.  I also hopefully will have an internship (cross your fingers Monday morning).  I hope it will be the jump-start I need to begin this whole career thing.

I am happier than I've been...pretty much ever.  Most of that is due to a wonderful addition to my life.  You'll probably get tired of hearing about him, but I don't care.  This is my blog, after all.  I figure if you didn't like hearing me ramble on, you would have stopped following long ago! (Because rambling is my middle name.  Ok, not really. That would be awful silly.  My momma loves me more than that.) Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  I am being treated like the inner princess that I am (tongue-in-cheek here, people) and we have so much fun together.  I have finally found someone who can be as goofy as I am, and understands all my random cartoon movie references.  Hello, first date we watched The Emperor's New Groove.  Can you say keeper? That's all I'll go on about right now.  Stay tuned for more gushing. ;)

I have direction in my life and that makes me happy as well.  I like having a plan.  And making lists.  And brainstorming.  And being organized.  Probably to the point of obsession, but hey, one must obsess about something.  Or somethings...  I digress.  So here's the plan (I've stopped putting letters e.g. A, B, C because there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet...):  Get an internship and finish my last semester of college.  I love multitasking.  Yay.  Then, in a perfect world, that internship would morph into a full-time job.  If not, I'll find a full-time job somewhere.  I want to stay in the Starkville area for a while.  That will allow me to save up some money and get my feet under me.  That's about as far as I've gotten, but it's much farther than I was just a couple months ago.

I am in a crafty mood as of late.  Not the trick you kinda crafty, but the make cool stuff out of regular stuff kinda crafty.  My project in progress is making Christmas ornaments.  Yes, I'm aware that December 25th has already passed.  I'm looking ahead to next Christmas.  They're made of paper circles that you score and glue together to form a geometrical sphere thing.  I'll have to post a picture later.  Hard to explain.  Anyhow, they're made with cool vintage/old fashioned-looking paper.  I think that shall be the theme to the Christmas decorations I'm amassing slowly.  I've decided to get three jars.  One with $, another with $$, and the third with $$$ written on them.  In them I'll put slips of paper with ideas for craft projects.  Most of the ones I do right now will probably come out of the $ jar, seeing as how I'm broke most of the time.

I have a fabulous idea to start my own business.  I want to be a special events coordinator.  (That's my official title.  Party planner sounds a bit unimpressive).  I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, some of which have landed on paper in my Book of Gradios Ideas.  Yes, it has a title.  Just go with it.  I have a rather large bubble around my head and would hate to have it slap someone in the face when it popped.  Just sayin'.

So there are some random, off-the-wall, crazy things that are going on right now.  Hope you were enterta--I mean, slightly amused. Adios por ahora.

  

         

The Center of a Pound Cake

Tasting the hottest hot sauce in Texas

and there’s no bread nor milk

anywhere around.

Pressing your face into the glass

of the cake shop downtown

knowing you can’t afford McDonald’s

much less a $2,500 wedding cake.

Going for hours after eating

a bowl full of pistachios

without a single glass of water

to soothe that burning saltiness

on your tongue.

Smelling the forbidden pecan pie

in the oven your mother

is taking to the church picnic,

knowing you’ll never get a slice.

Running to the kitchen

after a terrible day at school,

looking behind the Slim Fast

for the hidden tub of cookie dough,

then realizing your brother

ate all of it.

Missing you is worse

than the lingering burn

on the tongue after a too eager

bite of steaming, buttered cornbread. 

How to Go From Boredom to Philosophy

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

Secondary labor market, economy, administrations—

Save no room for these words in your head.

Fill your mind with more important musings, not

the secondary labor market, economy, or administrations.

Let the words from the front breeze by your ears while

your mind is filled with more important musings.

Only come because of the guilt.

Let the words from the front sting your ears

while you are busy making grand life plans.

Only come because of the guilt

of skipping the past three classes.

Be busy making grand life plans

none of which involve sitting in this class.

Skip the next three classes so that you can

spend the whole next day contemplating your perfect love life.

Nothing you want in life involves sitting in this class.

You can’t help that you have no more room left in your head

because you spend your days contemplating your perfect love life.

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

All This and None

I am grey-green eyes looking

straight into you,

softness and fire.

I am an off-center smile scrunching one cheek

in amusement or embarrassment;

lips that hold cutting

sarcasm or a goodbye kiss.

I am grown in Magnolias,

matured in the Lone Star;

the paradox of sunset, constant

but changing.

I am pearls bouncing on the collarbone

going secret speeds

on a crotch rocket,

Michael Bublé in all black and chains.

I am the iris looking at life

through an 18-55 mm lens,

memories like pictures capturing

moments, smiles, emotions.

I am sweet potato casserole, thick black coffee,

clinking iced tea and the middle

biscuit won by a quick hand.

I am a picture of who

I’ll become, a thousand words morphing

into countless pages.

I am all this and none,

more than this ink on blank white,

scrawled down out of half duty

and half inspiration.

I am a question mark in the middle

of the sentence.

Much Thanks to Give

I haven't posted much lately, so to regain my "chatty" status I thought I would write a little about what's going on in my life right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so I started thinking about all the things I have to give thanks for.  I cannot even begin without thanking God for everything he has done in my life.  Every breath is due to his grace.  Without him my life would be totally meaningless.  It really is true that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  He has given me so much.

My family is amazing.  My father always gives the best goodnight hugs.  He has set an example of hard work and dedication in our family.  I love his sense of humor, the way he teases my mom, and everything he has ever done for me.  My mother is an awesome person.  She has always been there to hold me when I cry and make things better.  She tells me when I mess up, but doesn't rub it in my face when I realize she's right (which she always is!).  She teaches me so many things.  She has shared a love of cooking, reading, sewing, and designing. If I turn out to be half the woman she is, I'll be happy.  My sister is probably the strongest person I know.  She's determined and passionate.  We have great times together laughing until we cry and general goofing off.  I can always count on her to tell it like it is.  My brother is so talented.  He can play just about any instrument and he's athletic too.  He and I play silly games and are constantly quoting movies back and forth.  I love my family so very much and couldn't do without them.  It's amazing that they love me and put up with me like they do!

God has blessed me with an awesome boyfriend.  At the point where I thought I would be alone for a while, if not the rest of my life, I met this man.  He is so special to me even in the few weeks we've known each other. We laugh together, have serious discussions, or just sit down and be near each other and it's all amazing.  He treats me like a princess and takes care of me, but also lets me be me.  He is strong, caring, and a leader.  He can be goofy and have me rolling on the floor laughing, or so incredibly sweet that the things he say make me wanna cry because they touch me that much.  Since he has been around, I don't even think about people or situations that have hurt me in the past.  I don't know exactly what will happen in the future, but I do know that I am loving every second of the present.

I'm so very thankful to have great people in my life.  At points in my life, there have been people who have touched me in ways I never thought possible.  Whether those people are still in my life, or have moved on, I'm still thankful for them nonetheless.  There have been people who helped me through rough times, taught me, mentored me, been there to listen or give advice, or simply just be around.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

I am so very glad to be almost done with school.  I have but two weeks left in this semester, and one more semester to complete until I graduate.  5 months and 5 days from now, I will be a Mississippi State Alumnus. I have applied for an internship at a bank here, which might turn into a full-time job.  Hopefully I'll hear whether I get an interview during Christmas break.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm not as worried about finding a job because I have a little bit of direction now.  I know that things will work out.  I've seen evidence of it, and I have a promise that God will work things out for good.  I really believe that in my heart now.  I doubted it for a while, but now I'm sure.

What are you thankful for?

Lately

Life is good.

A Noche

Lonely nights are not fun. Maybe one day I won't have to hate that time right before I go to bed, when my head is going non-stop and my heart aches.

Super Glue

I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.


I had a super amazing weekend.  We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend.  Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day.  The whole day was pretty fun.  We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game.  Then we beat UH.  Great day.  On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on.  Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house.  One of those "had to been there" kinda things.  Sunday was more laid back.  We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns.  I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time.  Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well.  We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon.  Great time just hanging out and talking with people.  Monday was our San Antonio adventure.  We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza.  It was really great.  I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents.  I miss them so much!  I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life.  I try never to take that for granted.  No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.


After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up.  Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself.  I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it.  I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life.  Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change.  If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well.  I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work.  The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me.  On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.


Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me.  I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me.  What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord?  Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it.  The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company.  It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me.  There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much.  But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person.  I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God.  He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life.  Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse?  "He will give you the desires of your heart."  I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that.  God has most definitely put a dream in my heart.  I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon.  And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack.  Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right.  That's what I'm banking on.  

It's That Time Again

I should blog soon.

Dog Bites

If you had a dog that bit you every time you touched it, would you keep petting it? No! That would be dumb.  So why do I do the exact same thing?  How many times does it have to hurt before I quit reaching out? I can predict what will happen.  It's not like I'm ignorant of it, I just disregard it.  I tell myself that I deserve better and don't do it again; I'm through!  And then I turn around and act like a fool again.  How I must look to people.  So foolish and stupid.  Maybe I'll learn one day.

Desperation

There’s a lonely man thinkin’ about a long lost love
The gleam in a young girl’s eye
The content of a man just in from the cold
With a pretty young thing by his side

But he threw it away like a lifetime wasted
Still learnin’ what he ought to know
Once a fresh young buck now he’s down on his luck
And the miles are startin’ to show

So if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

There’s a lonely girl sitting with a chip on her shoulder
Feeling that time’s runnin’ out
The dismay of a woman who never saw it coming
Never knew what it was about

The confusion of a girl who watched as her whole world
Completely unraveled at the seams
Once the toast of the town now it all comes down
To findin’ the man of her dreams

And when the lights go down and you’re all alone
You think you’ll never find love but you don’t wanna go home

But if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night 


By Mickey and the Motorcars

Life Recently

I really haven't done much writing on here since the semester started.  Not because I don't have time, but I really don't have the energy to sit down and sort out all my thoughts.  I try to stay busy with things that I don't have to think about too much.  But I'm sitting here in the Union, as I always do on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I have a ridiculous break, about three hours to kill.  Most of the time there's someone sitting there with me, but right now they're occupied doing other things across the table from me.  So it's a good a time as any.

School is going well.  Even with 18 hours, the work load isn't unbearable.  I have a feeling this will change when midterms roll around in a couple weeks, but it's nice for now.  I'm taking three elective classes, so that's nice.  One of them I actually like- floral design.  The only thing we've done so far is listen to lectures, but tomorrow I get my first set of flowers and have to make things with them.  Pretty excited.  My Italian class is good too.  There's a lot of learning I have to do on my own.  Basically we're supposed to learn it from the book and just practice in class.  Not my favorite way of doing things, since I learn better audibly, but oh well.

As far as my "love life" or whatever you want to call it, it's non-existent.  Refer to the previous post.  I have a slight crush, but I've decided not to give it much attention or thought.  It would inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.   I don't hang out with friends as much as I did, either.  I miss it.

There's never a shortage of drama in my life.  Whether I create it or it just happens, I'm not sure.  But nevertheless it's there.  I tend to struggle with the same things over and over again.  I think I'm over it, then it comes back and bites me in the butt.  I'm rather tired of it, honestly.  But what can I do?

In other news, I still don't know what to do with my life.  Big surprise, right?  I'm tempted to find a job somewhere, just any good job, and move off somewhere a good way off and start fresh.  Start saving for a few things I'd like to buy.  Try to enjoy being young and single for a while. I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going home this weekend.  I can't wait.  I need family time.  Time where I can be the kid and let my parents worry about stuff instead of me.  OK, so that's probably just a delusion, but it will be nice to be with everyone for a little while.  I miss my parents.  I need a hug.

Can't Sleep for the Rambling in My Head

I just got back from a weekend retreat with the BSU.  We had a good time, but I'm pretty tired.  That being said, I can't sleep because there is too much on my mind.  Lots of randomness floating around up there.  So here goes:

WARNING: Not for small eyes. I'm speaking rather candidly here and my filter is all but gone tonight.  Also, if you're male and get offended really easily, it might be best for you to hit the back button right now.

1) Friday was not so great.  Several people were getting on my nerves.  I was even getting on my nerves.  And sometimes I get in these "I'm pissed off for no good reason" moods.  Other times, I have good reason.

2) I'm so sick of emotions. Can I just live without them for a couple days so that I can have a break?  I'm up and down all the time.  Not cool in the least.

3) The people who hurt you the most are those who are closest to you.

4) Why do people give up when things are hard and circumstances aren't perfect?  If you want to be with someone, why would you let things stand in your way?  There is always a way to make do, to work it out, to compromise until things are better.  Do they give up because it's hard?  Inconvenient? Just don't care enough?

5) If we would stop for just a millisecond and consider how the next word out of our mouth or our next action will effect the person we're around, maybe we would say something different or not act quite the way we would otherwise.  Think about someone other than yourself!  That little inside joke that seems funny to you might really be hurtful to the person you say it to.  If someone had expressly told you not to bring that subject up again, and you do it anyway, how insensitive and uncaring do you have to be to keep on bringing it up?!

6) Sometimes when I talk, I think all that gets through to the person I'm talking to is static.  I talk until I'm blue in the face and I get absolutely no feedback.  Maybe some stupid cop-out or excuse, but nothing of value, nothing sincere. I'm so tired of talking.  When there's a problem, I'd love for that person to come to me to work it out, not the other way around.  I try and try and try to make things work and no one cares. (Fyi, I really wanted to cuss right then. Thank goodness for the backspace key.)  That's it. I can't try anymore.  No one cares, so why should I?

7) Guys are dumb. Seriously. I've had it with the whole gender.  Trying to have a relationship is crap. It doesn't work.  Not for me, at least. Maybe the problem lies with me, I don't know, but what I do know is that if I stay away from it, it won't be a problem anymore.  Guys could care less what I think or feel.  They feed me all this utter garbage about me being pretty and special and thinking I'm the greatest.  "There's just something about you."  "You're amazing."  "The way you make me feel is amazing."  If I hear those things one more time, I think I'd barf on his shoes.  You cannot tell me that crap then turn around and do the things you do.  Or don't do.  Inaction is 100x worse than action sometimes.  If he's doing something, at least I know he's trying and that he cares.  If he doesn't do anything, that shows me that he could give a rat's hiney about me or my thoughts or feelings.  Getting mad at him doesn't work either.  I can yell and scream and cuss, and nothing gets through.  The best I get is a shocked face after I use a choice word.  They can't even give me the satisfaction of being mad at them.  Right when I get good and steamed, I get a text message with an apology.  UGH! Couldn't you let me fume for at least 20 minutes?!  And seriously, a freakin text message?  Grow some balls.  I don't know what you male people want from me. I just don't get it.

8) The room feels like it's spinning right now.  Don't know why.  Makes it kinda hard to type, fyi.

9) The people I complain about, who really need to hear what I say on here, never read it.  The things I say don't get through.  If it wasn't a way for me to vent my frustration without imploding, it would be pointless to even say anything about it.  I'm pretty much preaching to the choir.  Or maybe to no one, I really don't know.  Most of what I say on this blog is insignificant anyway.  In fact, most of my pathetic, high school drama filled life is insignificant.  Apart from Christ, I really wouldn't have much worth.

10) I'm sick and tired of all this crap that's cluttering my thoughts and make me want to just stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to deal with it.  I'm so weary, cynical, and jaded right now, it's not even funny.

Beginning and Ending

The end of the summer is always a bittersweet thing for me.  I know I always say that, but it's true.  Having two different lives in two different states is really hard for me.  I hope soon it won't have to be that way.


I wrapped up the summer by spending the weekend at the lake.  I drove up on Friday evening and left Sunday afternoon.  The weekend was great.  I spent some time with friends I hadn't seen in a while.  I also love being out on the boat.  This time we got to ride jet skis.  It was the first time I'd driven jet skis and it was awesome.  I also decided to try my hand (or feet, rather) at wake boarding.  I was super nervous the first time.  And it took me about ten tries to finally get up on the water.  After trying and trying, I started to get discouraged, but the first time I got up on the water, even though I didn't stay up long, the feeling was incredible.  I had accomplished something I didn't think I could do.


Being at the lake allows me to go outside, usually after our Bible study on Saturday night, and think about the things that are going on in my life at the moment.  It's not always fun to process the different problems that are going on, but for me it's necessary. I went to sit down by the water and let the open air and open sky clear my head.  I didn't find any magical answers there, but it felt good just to have room to breathe and let out some stress.


Things I miss about Texas: Family, kolaches, Texas country music, my Sunday school class, open space, low humidity, wide roads, fast speed limits.


I've decided I'm a speed junkie.  There's no feeling close to the one where you're racing along at high speeds. It's exhilarating, thrilling, and takes my breath away.  I love the feeling, and it's the closest I can get to euphoria for now.  Too bad I don't get to experience it very often.  Perhaps someday though.


Wake boarding took a toll on my muscles so the drive back to MS was hard and long.  I'm still sore from doing it, but it was worth it.  It's good to be back in MS and start the school year.  My last year--wow. It's hard to believe.  College has flown by.  I'm not going to start on all the things I'll miss, because I have one more year left to enjoy them to the fullest.  I'll save that blog post for April 30, 2011.    

Aerial Photographs

Check out these photos.  I never would have thought aerial photography could be this beautiful.  It shows how different our world is, across all the continents.

http://justpaste.it/3ky

The Great Empanada Adventure

I made my first test recipe tonight-Chicken Empanadas. You can find the recipe here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/chicken-empanadas-recipe/index.html

The recipe was easy to follow and make.  It did take a bit of time though, and getting the oil the right temp was a challenge.  They were very tasty though!  This is definitely something I could make if I had a catering business.  Maybe a part of a Mexican or Tapas menu.  Ahhh the possibilities!

Same Sunset

I think I've taken this particular shot about 20 times since I've been home. This is my favorite spot near sunset.  I love the trees becoming a silhouette as the sun goes down. Even though I take this shot a lot, the pictures never come out looking identical.  

I've decided that I'm going to test recipes this coming year.  I've been toying with the idea of owning a catering business somewhere in the future, so this would be a good start.  I even have a handy-dandy notebook. ;)  I'll have to post the ones that are really good.  Or should I keep them secret? Hmmm...

Recent Photos

Good and Bad

There are good and bad things about living by yourself.  Good: you can walk around in your underwear.  Bad: there's no one to welcome you home after a long, hard day at work.  Good: you can watch or listen to whatever you want, whenever you want.  Bad: having to constantly have the tv or radio on because the house is too quiet. Good: you can have whatever you'd like for supper.  Bad: cooking and eating alone.  Good: peace and quiet, and not having conflict with another person.  Bad: having to deal with the conflict in your mind.

On another note, a while back I was working on a photography project for my class.  I was trying to get the hang of panning so I was outside taking pictures of the horses.  The dogs were out chasing them (btw, that's a funny sight, little dachshunds chasing Tennessee walkers) so the mare and her filly were running around the pen.  I was standing in the middle snapping shots.  I didn't get the hang of it on that try, but I got some neat pictures anyway.  My mom fell in love with one of them I took.  The colors are all washed out because it was taken with the aperture all the way open and the shutter speed was too slow.  She still thought it was cool and didn't even want me to Photoshop it.  So she tells me the other day that she's ordered this photo to be printed onto a canvas.  I was shocked and flattered too!  My picture printed on canvas? Too cool!

So here's the original photo:

And here's the canvas version:

I like. :)


Yesterday, I discovered a turtle in our pool. I thought he wasn't alive at first, because usually when you walk outside, they dive underwater and you don't get to see them.  This guy was floating near the top and didn't move until I touched him with the net.  He wasn't that fast of a swimmer, so I was able to catch him and get him out of the pool.  I didn't want to just put him in the yard because the dogs might get him, or he'd wind up right back in the pool.  So I put him in a container and drove out to the pond.  I figured he'd be pretty happy there.

For Sure Not Now and Probably Not Ever...

I can finally put it to rest.  I thought I had months ago, but sometimes we don't realize what we're holding inside until someone comes along and pokes a hole in us.  But after three miserable days, I have an answer.  So that's that. I'll still have to deal with memories, but those will fade in time.  I hope anyway.

An old dream was resurrected, but now that it's dead for good, I can go back to my new dream.  The one that doesn't cause hurt and confusion.  I'm going to get there come hell or high water.  It may take me forever, but I will get there.

You Mean I Have to Make A Living?!?!

I started a new blog about finding the perfect career and job hunting. Check it out here.

A New Dream

Today I started thinking about where I want to live after college. It's something I've thought about before, but have always been overwhelmed by it, so just stopped thinking about it for now. Today I decided to let my mind wander. I'm reading a book set in South Carolina, near the coast. I guess it inspired me to find out more about that area. I've been to SC before, and it's gorgeous there. I have been wanting lately to live near the coast. I love the beach so much. I know I won't be able to afford beach front property, but just living near it would be amazing. I also want to be in a smaller town or just outside town. So I started looking at different coastal towns in SC. Eventually I started looking at houses and my mind went wild with possibilities. So here's what's shaped in my mind so far:

Picture a small house just off a quiet street. It's a pretty pastel color-maybe light blue or yellow-with white trim. There are flower pots and a rocking chair on the front porch. You can smell salt in the air and know you're close to the coast. Inside the colors are soft but bright. Lots of whites, blues, greens, pinks, and purples. The furniture looks like it has been there for fifty years, and while it doesn't all match, it compliments each other. There are accents from all over the world, and pieces I've collected over the years. Porcelain dolls from Austria, a tea pot from England, lace from Romania, sand in a jar from Florida, cowboy boots by the fireplace, black and white photographs of historic places, and pictures of friends and family. It feels comfortable and lived in. Two dogs nap on the couch. A cat wanders through the living room. The back yard is neat and shady with plenty of space to have a cookout. A hammock provides the perfect place to read or catch a nap. The house reflects all the facets of my personality and fits me perfectly.

I have a job that I enjoy doing. It may not seem exciting and full of drama to some people, but I make a difference and enjoy the work. I find a small-ish church that I love and get involved in. I make it down to the beach several times a week to walk the dogs or enjoy a sunset. I try to talk myself into running or going to a gym every once and a while. I take day trips to nearby historical towns to take pictures. In my spare time I'm working on my house or yard, or editing pictures, reading, or learning how to do something.

I envision a quiet kind of life, somewhat secluded until I establish relationships. I never thought I'd be happy living by myself, but it's becoming more and more desirable. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I would be free to make some decisions for myself, doing what's best for me at the time. It think it would be a time for me to grow a lot and get a good start in "the real world." Hopefully I would spend time growing in my relationship to God, finding lasting relationships with people, especially older women who could mentor me, and developing my character more.

Now, I know very well that all of this will not happen exactly like I want it to. That's why they call it a dream. But it is something I can work towards. I'm excited to finally have some direction now.

Commentary and Messages

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was time. I always have a myriad of things to say, but when I actually sit down to write, it escapes me. There are so many things through the day that I want to say. My mind is like a running commentary on the world around me and how it effects me. Take lunch today for example. I was in Austin working, and decided to go out to lunch instead of bringing my lunch with me. It breaks up the routine and honestly I was ready to get out of the office for a while. I finally found my way out of the sketchy part of town where I work, and went to a deli. I went inside, ordered food, and sat down at a table. Shortly my food came out and I began to eat. I was in just the right spot to watch people as they walked by, getting food and finding tables. So naturally I added commentary in my head.

I also did something I haven't done in a while. I got my plate, picked up my fork, and thought, "I need to say the blessing." I had already taken a bite. But then I thought, "What if I talk to God as I'm eating? Like I would do if I were eating with a friend." Now before you go thinking I got all spiritual and holier than thou during lunch, I'll clear things up for you. It wasn't earth shattering. The heavens didn't open up right there in Jason's Deli and shine down on me. It was more like a text message conversation between me and God. I shot him a few quick messages, and he even responded. Or, more accurately, I read his response. I had been having a craptastic morning (being Monday and all) and after that, my mood lifted a bit. I didn't skip outside, but I at least had enough peace to finish the day at work. I think it's a good start. Tomorrow I'm going to find another way to have a conversation. Perhaps we'll even progress to a phone call. :)

My Favorite Jeans

I'm trying out a new look for my blog. Not sure if I like it yet or not. Seems a little hard to read. Feedback?

I'm back in Mississippi right now. It always feels good to come back here. It's like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. It's comfortable and familiar. They're soft and worn-in, fitting perfectly in every way. I don't always wear my favorite pair of jeans, but I'll never throw them away. I'll pull them out every once and a while and remember all the memories that were made while wearing them.

Every time I think about it, It's like the realization hits me anew each time--I'm a senior. This is my last year of being a college student. Wow. I'm sad, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time. I know I'll be ready to move onto the next thing by next year, but for now I'm going to enjoy what's left.

This week was so tiring. I was almost to the point of burnout by the time it had ended. I worked every day but today, and helped at VBS at night. So there were a couple days I left at 7 and didn't get back home til 10 that night. That makes for a terribly long day. I don't when I have been so exhausted. One day at work I fell asleep at the computer! Not good. It didn't help that I kept finding unfriendlies (in the form of scorpions) in my room. Now, not much bothers me or freaks me out. Not snakes, bugs, rats, and even most spiders. But scorpions are a different things altogether. They are creeptastic. Ick. I wasn't so much of a chicken as not to fix the problem when it presented itself, but what I really wanted to do was stand on my chair and yell for my dad to come and kill it for me. I think he wouldn't have like that very much, because it was late at night, so I cowgirl-upped. Didn't have to like it though. So there were several things that made this week long. But I'm finally to the weekend and back in Mississippi.

Sunday starts the beginning of a grand adventure with my awesome friend/roomie! :) I'm so very excited for her to come and visit me in Texas. I plan on showing her some of the flavors of the area we live in and some Texas culture in general. Aside from that, we have girl-talk to catch up on. I've missed her, my sister, my other roomie, and all my amazing friends soooooo much already this summer. I depend on them to be there for me, and they always are. I love y'all so much.

I'd like you to keep someone in your prayers, as he is in mine. A very good friend is spending his summer in Peru, and could use prayers for his health, patience, guidance, and for him to be open for God to use him this summer. Whether he reaches one or one hundred, it will be all for God's glory.

Here's some MSU news for you: my brother will now be joining ranks as an official Bulldog this fall! I'm so happy he's decided to come here. Also, cowbells have been legalized in the stadium again. What an amazing year this is going to be!!!

But for now, let's enjoy what's left of summer. It may have its downs, but when else can you find that deeply warm feeling of the sun on your face, playing in the water wherever you can find it, riding with the windows down blaring the newest summer tune, lazy evenings grilling with the family, and late night talks in the humid air under the stars. All these things are priceless to me.

Redeeming Love

Last night I finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, you need to. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, 20 or 80. You need to read it. This is not your normal Christian fiction book. I wouldn't call it a pleasure read either, because as I was reading this book, I was convicted, and I cried. If you don't know anything about the book, I won't give anything away, but I'll tell you it's a story like that of Hosea in the Bible. I identified with Angel more than I would like to admit. I found in her my own weaknesses and vices, fears and doubts. I began to love Michael as she did, and have raised my standards quite a bit because of it. I don't know if there are guys like Michael in existence today, outside of fiction, but I've decided to wait and see. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes. Unconditional love has been something that I've known about, but never really seen an example that touched me like this book. It's amazing to me that every time we go back to our old, reckless, dirty ways, God comes to get us and waits for us to come back into His arms. I found a way back to God and to the forgiveness he offers freely if we only ask. I don't want to wander from Him again. I probably will, because I'm human, but knowing that He'll always be there with me is a feeling I can't describe. He loves me. Really loves me.

It struck me that there are two kind of loves. There's the love that you think is the real thing. You feel amazing when they are near you. You dismiss their faults, ignoring them when they come up and only looking at the good things. It's a love of convenience. You cling to them like they are the only thing that can give you happiness and worth. You would do anything to be with them, even things that aren't right. But in your mind, it's justified because you "love" them. When they leave, the hurt you feel is indescribable. It feels like your heart is sinking inside your body. You know you shouldn't feel like that but can't help it.

The other love is different. You still feel amazing when they're around. But that person isn't you sole source of happiness and worth. They add to it substantially, but both of you know that only God makes you whole and gives you worth. This is a love that lasts a lifetime, not just for a season. I don't know everything about this love, because I've never experienced it, but it is my goal.