One Year Passed

Well, one year has passed since I started writing. When I go back and look at where I was then, it seems like it was ages ago. So much has happened, good and bad, in the past year. I can't say it's been the easiest year of my life, and I sure don't want to relive it. All I can do is move on, forget about the hurtful things, and remember the good things. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but it's the only way to keep going.

It seems like I have to start over so often. Whether it's moving locations, trying to move on from a relationship, or just a change of heart, I have to refocus and restart. I keep hoping one day that maybe I'll be in a more stable situation. It hasn't happened yet, nor do I foresee it happening in the near future. It all seems kind of disheartening and hopeless at the moment, but maybe that's because I'm trying to accomplish the daunting task of packing. That never makes me feel particularly chipper.

I always seem to screw things up in the summer. I don't know why. It starts out good, then progressively gets worse as it gets closer to me moving back to school. I mess up relationships right and left. It's hard to do things you want to do, while thinking of others. I think I try to make everything work out the way I think it should be, only Newsflash!-It doesn't work. Can I just be three again when the most earth shattering thing that happened to me was when I couldn't find my stuff animal before I went to bed?

Well, here I go again. Another summer over and another semester beginning. This year has to be better than last. It just has to be...

I So Hate Consequences

And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that
-Relient K

An Incredible 48 hours

I just got off the phone with a friend who is in Nicaragua. How cool is that?! He went down there about a month ago and will be there for thirteen months. It was great to hear about what's happening down there. Maybe we'll get a trip together to go visit. That would be pretty sweet.

I had an awesome weekend. I had a date Friday night to the Cory Morrow concert in town. It was a good concert. Good music and I even got to dance a few songs. Found out that I can't dance worth a flip, but I think I just need more practice. I'll catch on eventually. (Warning: sarcasm) I'll just add it to the list of things I suck at.

After the concert we drove the two and a half hours to the lake. It was nice to have that time alone to talk and hang out. I'm gonna miss those times spent together, but I'm glad I have those memories to hang onto until we can make new ones.

The lake was incredibly low this time. In some places the normal watermark was twenty feet higher than where the water is now. It's kinda sad. But we were able to launch the boat a couple miles up the road and do our normal activities.

I don't normally do much other than ride in the boat and swim, but I decided to get on the tube. Two of us got on it, and as I was getting out of the boat I asked the driver not to throw me too hard. I'm a bit of a chicken when it comes to stuff like that. Anyway, we got on and took off. He was going easy on us, and the brilliant soul who was riding with me decides to let go of the handholds and get up on his knees. Usually this encourages the driver to nail it, which he did. The fearless one riding with me decided it might be better if he hung on again, but alas was too late and away he went. Usually when two people are tubing and one falls off, the other is not far behind. But not so! I managed to hang on. So we went back to pick him up and go a second round. The second was much like the first, but instead he almost stands up on the tube. This action elicited the same reaction as before, and he flipped over me and into the water. He ate it that time. It was hilarious, and I can only imagine what it looked like to the spectators in the boat. I didn't fall off this time either, but thought I might cause I was laughing so hard. Even my friend in the water was hysterical. Too funny.

That was only one instance of the great times we had. I was really glad I got to spend time with the group, certain people in particular. I've had the privilege of getting to know some pretty incredible people, and I'm going to miss them terribly. But I will be back, hopefully often, and can see everyone again. Until then I'll look forward to keeping in touch via the internet, phone-heck, carrier pigeons if I have to. Good friends are too rare to let something as trivial as a few miles take that friendship away.

Winding Down

Our trip to the Hill Country was great. We spent four days in a cabin that had a river nearby. It was great spending time with my family, eating, talking, and playing in the river. The scenery on the drive up there and back was really pretty. I also had plenty of time to think through some things, and I have to say I came back better than I went. I've got a peace of mind about things that I didn't have, and didn't expect to find anytime soon.

The summer is starting to wind down. It makes me sad, because there is still lots I'd like to do and it seems like I'm running out of time. I don't enjoy the transitions I have to make between my life here in Texas and my life in Mississippi. It's hard for me to go back and forth between them. If I could only combine the good parts of both, I'd be one happy chica. I miss my friends in Mississippi, but I am going to miss my family and friends in Texas when I go back to school. But such is life. I've got some time left here, so I'll take it day by day, and when it comes time to leave, I'll embrace that eleven hour drive back to my Mississippi, and look forward to the good times that lie ahead there, here, and somewhere in between.

R&R

~*~

This week we've been working hard in the house (as we have all summer). We have gotten a lot accomplished, but it's been pretty tiring. My dad came home from England yesterday, and tomorrow we are going to a cabin in the Hill Country for a few days for some R&R and to spend some time with my dad. When he comes home, there is always so much to do that he leaves even more tired than he was when he got here. It will be nice to spend some time together as a family. As we get older and grow up, it gets harder for all of us to get together at the same time. Right now, there are three households that have to coordinate in order for us to be together. Someone told me recently that we're complicated and I agree!

I personally am looking forward to no facebook, no phone, and no stress. I want to spend the day sleeping, reading, eating, and doing lots of nothing. I need to take some time for me to let go of things I've been worrying about, and find my upbeat attitude again. It's gotten lost here in the past few days. The world isn't coming to an end just because things aren't working out the way I want them to. Plus, in the grand scheme of things, my dramas aren't really that big. It only seems that way at the moment. I think I know what will help...reading Pride and Prejudice again. Jane Austen always makes me feel better. :)

~*~

Sunsets

I looked out the kitchen window this evening while I was cooking supper and I just had to step outside and take a few pictures. I always try to capture the sunset in a picture, but it never comes out quite like it is in person. These are pretty close though.

Sunsets never seem to last long enough. The colors change so rapidly that in just a little while everything turns to night. Seems like some things in my life are sunsets. They don't last long enough, and then everything turns to night. Night isn't a bad thing, as long as the stars are out, but it seems to go on forever sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could capture those things like I try to capture the sunset. But, like the picture, it won't be quite like the original.

~*~

Clingy?!?

I think I have come to the realization that I am clingy. :/ Not something I have aspired to be, and I have denied it before, but I think I am. But is it my personality or just a part of being a female? I know that I tend to be singular in my focus when it comes to something I feel strongly about. It's like I wrap my whole life around that focus. Sometimes it's an activity, sometimes an object, or sometimes a person. In the case of a person, a guy to be exact, I think about him all the time, want to talk or see him as much as I can. I tend to mesh everything together and incorporate him into my life. I want to text often, telling him everything that's going on in my life at that particular moment. I think that's part of being female, connecting everything together, like spaghetti (see previous blog post here if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about). Guys, on the other hand, tend to compartmentalize, like waffles. Work is one thing, family another, and girl yet another. Can you see how this might lead to frustration? The girl gets put out when she doesn't hear from the guy as much as she thinks she should. She feels forgotten about. The guy doesn't understand why she's aggravated, he was busy. Surely she could understand that. And the girl thinks, "Well, I was busy too, but I still found time to talk to you!" Oh my. Well, based on this, I'm thinking "clingy-ness" is a part of being female. Not every girl is always clingy, or as clingy as others, but I still think it happens. So, I guess it takes patience and the girl's part, and understanding on the guys. Just one of those differences that we have to learn how to deal with and compromise. What do you think?

Free to Be Me

At twenty years of age

I'm still looking for a dream

A war's already waged for my destiny

But you've already won the battle

And you've got great plans for me

Though I can't always see

*

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender

Got a couple rips in my jeans

Try to fit the pieces together

But perfection is my enemy

And on my own I'm so clumsy

But on your shoulders I can see

I'm free to be me

*

When I was just a girl

I thought I had it figured out

My life would turn out right

And I'd make it here somehow

But things don't always come that easy

And sometimes I would doubt

*

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

*

Sometimes I believe

That I can do anything

Yet other times I think

I've got nothing good to bring

But you look at my heart and you tell me

That I've got all you seek

And it's easy to believe

Even though

*

'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

*

Francesca Battistelli

Summertime in Mississippi

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and until now, had forgotten about it. I delayed posting it because I wanted to put pictures up with it. So I will post it now.

After being in Texas all summer, I got to spend a few days back in Mississippi to take care of some things at our house. I had forgotten how much I love summertime here. Everything is green and growing and flowers are blooming. I absolutely love the sights and smells of summertime in Mississippi. Fresh cut grass never smelled better nor looked so good. My very favorite part of the day to enjoy the summer is right before twilight. When everything has slowed down and cooled down too. Tonight was absolutely perfect outside. It wasn't hot and the humidity wasn't bad either. The light outside during that part of the day makes everything look like a picture out of a storybook. The sky is all shades of blue, orange, and pink. If I could freeze time for a while, it would be to enjoy those moments longer. Or better yet, I get to enjoy them everyday! I love to feel the grass under my bare feet. It's soft and cool. I love to smell the honeysuckle that grows in my yard. My mother doesn't like it because it's a vine that takes over whatever it grows on, but it's my favorite flower. It smells amazing, has a unique white bloom, and if you do it just right, you can taste the sweet nectar that hides inside. To me, it epitomizes summertime in the country. Just seeing or smelling it makes me feel at home.

<div>After being in Texas all summer, I got to spend a few days back in Mississippi to take care of some things at our house. I had forgotten how much I love summertime here. Everything is green and growing and flowers are blooming. I absolutely love the sights and smells of summertime in Mississippi. Fresh cut grass never smelled better nor looked so good. My very favorite part of the day to enjoy the summer is right before twilight. When everything has slowed down and cooled down too. Tonight was absolutely perfect outside. It wasn't hot and the humidity wasn't bad either. The light outside during that part of the day makes everything look like a picture out of a storybook. The sky is all shades of blue, orange, and pink. If I could freeze time for a while, it would be to enjoy those moments longer. Or better yet, I get to enjoy them everyday! I love to feel the grass under my bare feet. It's soft and cool. I love to smell the honeysuckle that grows in my yard. My mother doesn't like it because it's a vine that takes over whatever it grows on, but it's my favorite flower. It smells amazing, has a unique white bloom, and if you do it just right, you can taste the sweet nectar that hides inside. To me, it epitomizes summertime in the country. Just seeing or smelling it makes me feel at home. </div>

The Hidden Person of the Heart

~*~

This summer, I'm attending a Bible study on Wednesday nights. We're studying the book of 1st Peter. We've only met once, and unfortunately I'm going to miss the next two weeks, so I decided to keep up the reading and write my own notes about what I've read. So tonight I had a quite moment by myself and decided to read the second half of chapter two and chapter three.

In chapter three, the first thing that Peter talks about is how wives should act. I believe that this applies to single women as well, because we are future wives, hopefully. So the first part talks about being submissive to your husband. I thought "yeah, yeah, I've heard this part before. Got it." But Peter's reason for being submissive is a little different than the reasons that Paul uses. Peter says that wives (who are believers) should be submissive to their husbands (who are unbelievers) so that they may be a witness by their actions. I think this situation applies to a woman who becomes a Christian after she is married, and her husband does not. I believe that God blesses this situation, if the wife is submissive and lives as a Christian witness to her husband.

But the part that struck me tonight was in verses three and four: "Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. (NASB)" Wow. That phrase "the hidden person of the heart" stopped me cold. For so long, I have complained that no one knows the real me. So I have been trying things to get noticed, and to shock people into spending time getting to know who I am. It hasn't worked and has only been a source of frustration for me and those around me. I have always been the quiet girl. Lately I have wanted to change that, but according to these verses, having "gentle and quiet spirit" is precious to God. So all along, God has seen the real me. He sees the hidden person of my heart, and I am precious to Him. The world does not value a meek and gentle spirit, but God does. That's all I need to know.

Who is the Hidden Person of your Heart?

~*~

Another First

This summer seems to be a summer of firsts for me, in some respects. Well, here's another to add to the list. I bought my first pair of honest to goodness cowgirl boots! I've been looking at boots for a while now and finally found a pair that I liked. I went today to try them on again, and if they had the right size, purchase them. So, here's what I wound up with. I like them and can't wait to break them in!

An Amazing Moment...

...that lasts forever, or many amazing moments that are fleeting? This is an interesting question to pose. The moment that you are in is a sure thing, you know that it is amazing, and would be amazing forever. Other moments are unknown. Will they be as good as the one you are in? Better? If you stay in that one moment forever, what might you be missing?

I think life is a series of amazing moments. Sometimes they are few and far between, and sometimes you are blessed beyond belief and fall into a series of them. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes you have to look for them. I think the best compromise is to love the moment you are in, while it lasts, while at the same time looking forward to other amazing moments just around the corner.

Wild at Heart

Some people are of the opinion that I've gotten kinda daring and wild this summer. This surprised me because I haven't changed on the inside, I'm just getting better at reflecting it. Usually I show people what they want to see. Sometimes this is good, cause I can blend into a crowd, and not go against the grain. Sometimes not so good, because people don't see the real me. Lately I've been trying new things, things I've always wanted to do. I guess the first "wild" thing I did this year was getting a second hole pierced in my ears. It's nothing extravagant, and lots of people have two holes in their ears, but I guess nobody really expects that from me. I like it when I do something unexpected. People are constantly underestimating me, and when they do, I shock them. It's quite fun. :) Another crazy new thing I did just last weekend was ride a motorcycle. Not a Harley, but a sport bike. A friend of mine promised me a ride, so the next chance I got, I took him up on it. It was utterly amazing. Words cannot describe the way I felt as we raced down the highway. It felt like I was sitting still, and everything was whizzing by me at lightning speed. So amazing. I can't wait to do it again! Stay tuned to see what other wild and crazy stunts I try this summer. ;)







My piercing










This is pretty close to what I rode, only his was orange.

Happiness

Someone asked me recently what made me happy. My response? Simple things make me happy. Things like sitting outside at night and staring at the stars, listening to the rain, hearing a baby laugh, driving on back roads with windows down and singing along with the music, sharing a meal with friends or family, wading in a creek in the summer, doing something exciting for the first time. Those are all things that make me feel like the happiest and luckiest girl alive. I love to share these things with my friends and family. People are the most important things I have in my life. Without them, where would I be? Nowhere happy, that's for sure.

A Relaxing Weekend at the Lake

For Mother's Day, my mom decided to go somewhere for the weekend. It would be nice to get away for a while. We thought about going to the beach, but then decided to go to the lake. It wasn't a terribly long drive, only about three hours. My siblings and I have been to this lake before, but not to this place we're staying. It's a nice little place, with a small cabin we rented. The cabin is supposed to be right on the water, and I'm sure it is when the lake isn't down 14 feet. It's really sad to see where all the water used to be. I just hope it rains a lot before my sister and I come back in June, so we can do stuff on the boat. But this weekend it was nice to get away from phones, internet, computers, and television, and be able to sleep, relax, listen to music, and read. Not to mention a little bit of writing. My thoughts are always clearer when I'm away from all the every-day distractions.

Friday night was really nice. I grilled steak outside on the grill. That was interesting considering I haven't used charcoal in like, 8 years. It turned out really well though. Supper was good, and we sat around the table and laughed hysterically about all manner of things. After that, we just sat around talking and eventually got ready for bed. I walked on of the dogs before bed, and it was windy and lightning outside. Usually I'm a little neurotic about storms (because I'm terrified of tornadoes) but I liked the weather that night. The lightning was streaking and flashing all across the sky over the lake. It was beautiful.

I love being away from the city, and people, and all the artificial noise. I like to go outside, see beautiful sights, and not worry about who's watching. I'm not always antisocial, but sometimes it's nice. Sometimes I think I'd like to live on a deserted island. But for now, for this weekend, the lake was my getaway.

Our weekend was not without adventure. The lady at the office told us that the one of the waterfalls was only about 2 miles away, and that you could walk to it. My sister and I decided to go. I should have known that wherever the two of us go, an adventure follows. Whether it's getting lost in Little Rock at 11pm in the ghetto trying to find McDonald's, or making a wrong turn in the woods riding horses and taking a 4 hour detour, or trying to escape Gustav and Bubba in rural Arkansas, we always have interesting stories to tell. Anyway, we started trekking to the falls around 4pm on Saturday. Since the lake was so dry, we were able to walk on dry lake bed. Well, the first part was really soggy. After that, there was a stretch of the trip that had ankle-turning rocks and sticks, then buzzard alley, then dead, putrid fish, then a horse pasture, all of which used to be under water. We finally made it to the falls. We stayed for about 10 or 15 minutes, stuck our feet in the water, and left. The whole trip was about 5 miles, and took over three hours. It really wasn't worth it to see something we've seen several times before. Going to the falls stinks (sometimes literally) unless you're going by boat. Note to self: don't do that again. But like I said, it was an adventure.

All-in-all, we had a quiet, relaxing weekend. It was so nice to sit outside on the porch at night and listen to all the sounds of the night. That is without a doubt my favorite part of going to the lake.

Summer Change

~*~

After a loooong drive home, I am finally here for the summer. I was sad to leave Mississippi, with all of her beauty and comfort, but I was not sad to leave Starkville. The past semester was hard, and I was more than ready to leave everything behind. This summer has an uncertain air about it. I have a feeling that it will be better than last summer-it just about has to be. But there are also hints of some tough things I will have to deal with, mostly within myself. So I'm not sure what the summer will bring, but I'm ready for a change.

~*~

Heat

~*~

This afternoon, as I walked back to my car after classes were done for the day, I was in a pretty good mood. It was a gorgeous day outside, and I was finished with three of my five classes. I reached my car and opened the door to get inside. The heat enveloped me like a blanket. It was a welcome feeling because it had been absent so long. That feeling can only mean one thing: summer is well on it's way.

Have you ever felt like you were two different people? I feel that way very often. It's as if the person who everyone sees is very different from the person who very few, if any people see. Maybe not two totally different people, but definitely not the same. On the outside, I am meek, polite, and soft-spoken. These are not bad qualities to have, but sometimes people take advantage of them. Others see these qualities and assume I am lacking other qualities, such as confidence and ambition. If only people could see what's inside. There is such passion, ambition, and downright fire inside of me. There are times I would like to chew people out for being stupid. Other times I want to go at something with all that's in me. Everyone who knows me (aside from my family, because they have seen it on occasion) would be totally shocked if they saw this coming from me. The things I feel inside are hard for me to express. They don't translate well to others. I think that the people I'm around either hold this back, or let it come out. One day there will be someone who will be able to see all that's behind this facade, and see who I really am from the inside out. Every layer and fiber of my being. I'm waiting for the person, and only the person who can do that.

~*~

Traditional

What is wrong with being a "traditional" woman? There is so much pressure on young women to be independent from men, have a high profile career, and, IF you marry, you must not fulfill the traditional role of mother/housewife. Why is being a woman, or housewife, or mother taboo in our society? Today's "modern woman" is hardly a woman at all. She is expected to fulfill the role of both man and woman. She must be highly competitive, never show emotion, and do everything a man can do, only faster and better. On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life, she must also be incredibly pretty, soft, and feminine, lest she be perceived as anything less than straight. How can one individual fulfill all of these expectations under so much stress? I think it is impossible to accomplish, and be happy and satisfied with life. I'm not saying every woman should be June Cleaver. That isn't plausible either. I'm addressing the issue of the negativity towards a woman who wants to be a wife and mother. No career, no "job." Women with this desire are frowned upon and thought of as less of a woman, a whipped puppy, if you will. Some of these women are seen as gold-diggers or lazy. A woman who runs a household and raises children has one of the hardest jobs around. It is very rewarding work, although there is not a paycheck every month. Payment is in the form of having a fulfilling and satisfying life, and raising children to be kind and smart adults. If a woman wants to have a high profile career, go for it. If she wants to have a family also, that's great. Just don't look down on a woman who wants a family as her career.

~*~

I've come up with several reasons that I, personally, want to be a stay-at-home mom:

1. I'll get to see every stage of development in my children

2. I'll be available for every important event for my children.

3. I'll be able to provide for and care for my husband and children.

4. I'll have time to care for my house and take pride in it.

5. I'll be available to care for my husband's and my parents later in life, in our home.

6. I'll be able to homeschool my children.

7. I'll have time to devote to just my husband.

8. I'll strive to be the best wife, mother, and woman I can be.

~*~

The Hand Song

~*~

I recently discovered a new band, thanks to Andy telling me about Pandora. They're called Nickel Creek, and sound alot like Allison Krauss. They have some really great songs, but one in particular really touched me. It's called The Hand Song.

Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy_9dIVrEjA

Lyrics:

The boy only wanting to give mother something,
And all of her roses had bloomed.
Looking at him as he came rushing in,
without knowing her roses were doomed.
All she could see were some thorns buried deep,
And tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.

And she knew it was love, it was what she could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

He still remembers that night as a child, on his mothers knee.
She held him close and she opened her Bible, and quietly started to read.
Then seeing a picture of Jesus, he cried out:
"Mama he's got some scars like me!"
And he knew it was love, it was what he could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

Now the boy is grown and moved out on his own,
when Uncle Sam comes along.
A foreign affair, but our young men are there,
and luck had his number drawn.
It wasn't that long till our hero was gone,
he gave to a friend what he learned from the cross.
But they knew it was love, it one they could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

It was one they could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

~*~

The Natchez Trace

I've been wanting to drive down the Natchez Trace Parkway for a long time now, and finally got a chance to today. I went with my best friend, Andy! :) We have had all sorts of adventures together, and today was no exception. We got on the Trace in Mathiston and drove about 100 miles down to the Ross Barnett Reservoir just north of Jackson. It was a beautiful day to be out and about, about 75 degrees and sunny skies. So we drove, listened to music, and stopped to see as much as we could. And we took lots of pictures!