Simplify

Such an easy word.  Everyone knows what it means, but do we know how to live it?  I sure don't.  Or at least I haven't been.  I read a very interesting blog post last night, called The Happy Closet.  I found it on Pinterest, pinned by one of my friends.  It was about purging and simplifying your closet. You can find the series of blog posts here. Be sure to scroll to the bottom and start with Part 1. 

The premise of the posts is to purge all the things from your closet that you don't wear, don't like, think you should keep because it was expensive, or you wore 10 years ago.  This may seem like a simple, "duh" concept, but what she is proposing here is to purge all the crap to get to the clothes and accessories that you LOVE. Not clothes you think you need, or even just like a little. The purpose of the purge is to create a closet where every piece in that closet makes you feel beautiful and happy.  Also, getting to the point where you are so happy and content with your closet, that you don't want to go out and purchase more and more items.  That's the part that really got me.  The lady who wrote the post has not purchased any items for her closet in 2 years.  That seems crazy, right?  Well, for most of us, we have enough clothes that would last us 5 years at least.  Now, she isn't saying that you don't have to replace items now or then, or to never ever buy anything new.  Just to stop buying into the lie that us women have to buy the latest fad, the "look of this season," or any other gimmick that clothing retailers and fashion magazines sell us. 

What this means for me:  I have tried in the past year to not hold on to stuff I don't want/need/am emotionally attached to for no reason.  I am trying to start this concept in my closet, and then apply it to my whole house.  As for my closet, I don't have a ton of clothes that fit me.  I have gained some weight in the last year, which made my wardrobe shrink considerably.  I am starting in 2014, eating more healthy and trying to get my weight down.  No crazy diet, just mainly portion control.  So, I will start by going through my closet (again) and getting rid of those dresses and skirts that I wore in high school or early college.  I might one day fit into those sizes again, but they are worn out or completely not my style anymore.  I am also going to get rid of anything that is 2 or more sizes too small.  I plan to lose the weight, but dropping a ton all at once is not realistic.  If it happens for some reason, I can replace with new sizes. 

Another thing to tackle: accessories.  I have about 3 jewelry boxes FULL of jewelry.  Some of it is really nice. I will hold on to the pieces that I love, and give the other nice pieces to my mother and sister.  The other stuff is just that: stuff.  Cheap jewelry that I got at places like Walmart, Claires, and Target.  A lot of it is worn out and can be tossed. 

Purses, bags, and shoes are the kicker for me.  I always think I might need them, even if I haven't touched them in a year.  I will really have to knuckle down on those.  

I really don't think I will stop buying clothes and accessories in the near future.  I am at the point where I am establishing my sense of style.  I have been out of college a couple years now, so I am slowly starting to change from jeans and t-shirts into a style that is more me.  I have a professional job, so I have to dress for that.  And on my off days, I find myself wanting to wear more than just jeans and a t-shirt.  So I plan to add to my wardrobe.  I will try my best to do it judiciously, though.   

I feel like getting rid of all the clutter and unneccesary material things will help simplify my life.  It will be less to take care of and more time to focus on those things that really matter.  I hate doing laundry, after all. :)

Homeowners!

In a few weeks, we will officially be home owners!  We spent months budgeting, looking, stressing, and researching before we finally decided that we should buy a house. It's a huge responsibility, but we think it will pay off for us in the end. I can't wait to move in our little blue house.  I feel so grown up! Married and buying a house. 

I had lunch with a college friend on Sunday. We try to catch up about every month or so. We were talking and reminiscing about our college days. I can't believe  it has been 6 years since I started my freshman year of college. Woah. We both miss college and the experiences and freedom we had. I even miss the school part. I felt like I was good at school. Like it was something I excelled at. There aren't too many things in my life where I feel that way. If someone offered to pay me to go to college, I would in a heartbeat. 

All that being said, I wouldn't want to change my life now. I love being married. I always thought it would suit me, and it does. I love the fact we are buying a home together and love the excitement that brings. I love life know, and am excited for things to come. I try my hardest to be grateful for where I am in life. 

Blogger App

I have discovered the blogger app for my iPhone. Maybe I will blog more often now. Taking out my laptop is a hassle since it cannot be unplugged, or it dies immediately. Also, a good many of my ordinary life pictures are on my phone. Phone cameras are just so handy.

Here are a few pictures from the last couple weeks.

To keep, or not to keep?

I just encountered a bit of a dilemma.  Just a couple of days ago, I unpacked one of the last boxes from the most recent move.  I had been stubbing my toe on it in my closet for too long.  Among the contents of the box were several notebooks of various size and color.  These are my diaries or journals from when I was younger.  I think I started journaling when I was 10 or so, and it lasted until later high school.  My dilemma is what do I do with these notebooks now?  They are filled with all sorts of personal thoughts and feelings and random happenings in my not too event filled adolescence.  I don't know that I would like anyone else reading them, at least not while I'm still alive.

My mother has a journal from her mother around age 16.  I know this is very special to my mom, because her mother died when she was a baby.  It provided a look into her life that my mother never would have had otherwise.

So, to keep, or not to keep?  That is the proverbial question.

Finding Beauty and Meaning in the Ordinary

I had one of those moments tonight where I felt overwhelmingly blessed, special, and insanely happy.  It's that feeling that drowns all doubts, fears, and worries, and lifts your spirits like nothing else.  I am so very blessed in this life.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and wonder how I ever came to deserve the beautiful people and things I have surrounding me.

I was watching a movie tonight about a couple, and the girl was an artist.  She had photographs of her husband in very ordinary situations.  Just snapshots of them doing their normal routine at home.  I consider photography a hobby, but I have recently said to myself, I don't go anywhere or do anything where I can take pictures.  So I put those two thoughts together.  Why not take pictures of how my life looks now?  It's these kinds of memories that make the biggest impression with me.  Time spent laughing, goofing off, doing dishes together in the kitchen, taking the dog for a walk, getting ready for bed- all things that seem ordinary, but things that when put together, are the substance of life.  Sure, weddings, graduations, family gatherings are all important and memorable, but why save those photographs for those times only?

So I have given myself a challenge.  I want to capture beauty and meaning in the ordinary.  I don't know how much of an artist I am, but I feel like I will learn to appreciate the little things more if I do this.  So here goes.

Filling in the Blanks

It's been a long time since I posted.  So very much has happened that I can't go back and recap everything.  I'll just hit the highlights.  I'm hoping in the new year to blog more.

The most important change has been my last name!  J and I got married on December 8th.  The ceremony was absolutely beautiful.  Not everything went perfect (I lost his ring before the ceremony, there was a mix up with the groom's vest, and the pastor didn't say the vows I gave him) but despite those little setbacks, I had a wonderful day.  It was an amazing feeling to become J's wife and for him to become my husband.  It also meant the world to me that almost all the important people in my life were there for me.  I was missing one important person, and am still sad that he wasn't there, but it was still a beautiful day.  All the little details seemed to fall into place and it was wonderful.

I appreciated so much everything everyone did to make it a wonderful day.  My mom and sister being there for me and being with me through the day meant so much.  I was glad my dad was there too.  

I think I learned a few things about this whole wedding business.  Not that I can go back and redo it, but maybe I can pass along a few pieces of advice to the next bride.  

Don't try to do everything yourself.  That's pretty much what I did.  I didn't delegate all the projects I had or trust pretty much anyone to help me take care of the little details.  It was overwhelming at times to think of everything I had to do.  I didn't know how to ask for help or tell anyone how to help me.  The episode with losing the ring could have been avoided had I given it to my maid of honor to keep up with like you're supposed to.  I had so many things going on in my head that I missed that one little but very important thing.

I did have my mom handling all my apparel and my bridesmaids apparel, so that was a huge relief.  She sewed all of our dresses and they turned out amazing.  She is one amazing and talented lady. 

We had a lot of fun on our Honeymoon.  It was the first time J and I have taken a vacation together, just us.  I loved spending one on one time with my new husband and not worrying about other stuff. I just finished making a Shutterfly book with all the photos I took on the honeymoon.  I am so very excited to get our wedding photos back too!  I have seen 4 of them that the photographer has posted on her blog.  So far, this one is my favorite.  

J is working today (Christmas Eve) and tomorrow.   My family won't be in the state until Wednesday, so I'll go see them this weekend.  It is a weird feeling to be alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I have never had to do that before.  Last Christmas was weird enough because I didn't see my family Christmas Day.  This is worse, not being with anyone.  I don't love that with J's job he has to work holidays sometimes.    Not just part of the day, but 12 hours.  I know it's an important job, but I miss him at times.  I know that it's not the actual day that makes the time with family special, it's just gathering and spending time together.  But I will still miss my family tomorrow.  Can't wait to see them this weekend. 

Merry Christmas everyone.  Cherish those new memories made and special times spend with those close to you, no matter what day it is.

  

Flash to the Past

Lately I have become fascinated with 1950s fashion.  I actually am fascinated with the whole era.  Besides loving the fashion, I love the fact that women were women. REAL women.  They were strong, classy, and beautiful.  I want to be like that.

How gorgeous is that? 

You can't get classier or more beautiful than Grace Kelly in my mind.  I love, love, love pearls.  They wore them with everything.  I have a three strand pearl necklace from my grandmother that I adore.  Though they're not real, I think they came from that era.  I need to find the perfect outfit to wear them with. 

Especially with my job now, where I wear khakis and a t-shirt and work with lots of people younger than me, I feel like I look very young.  I don't want to look older than I am, looking my age would be great.  Maybe if I can incorporate some of the 1950s style in my wardrobe, I can look a bit older. 

I found an article on the internet today that describes why I like the 1950s so much. http://modernretrowoman.com/2011/06/07/seven-reasons-i-love-being-a-1950s-style-woman/  

Working on my Photography

I decided to do something with some of the pictures I've taken that I like. So I put together an online photography portfolio.  You can find it here. Check it out. Feedback is much appreciated.

Wedding Update

So where am I in the wedding process?

Wedding venue: Check.  Chapel of Memories at State reserved and payed for.

Reception venue: Check.  Ballroom in the Union reserved.

Catering: Check. Talked with MSU Catering. Will submit order in the fall.

Dress: Check.  Picked out fabric for my dress (only took 2 hours... haha).  I love what we've come up with. Too bad I can't post pictures here (not that future hubby reads my blog, but just in case).  My mom also made a mock up of the patter to see if it worked with my shape (which will hopefully be a smaller shape come December).  It will look great.  So the actual construction of the dress is the next step.

Undergarments for dress: I've got those picked out. Just have to order.

Shoes: I found fabulous maroon shoes. So excited!

Jewelry: Still in the works.

Bridesmaid dresses: Next on the list.

Job!

I am finally employed again after almost three months and many job applications.  It isn't the job I thought I was going to get.  I had interviewed with one company three different times.  I kept calling to see if the position had been filled, and it hadn't, so my hopes kept high.  It seemed like a perfect job for me- entry level, great pay and benefits, and something I could really see myself doing.  But it had been almost two months since my first interview.  Then another offer came along.  It wasn't ideal, and it payed less, but it was more than I was making at the time (nothing).  So I called the first company one last time and explained my situation.  They basically said they weren't able to hire anyone right now.  So I accepted the other offer.  I'm just so glad to be employed again.  I'll work hard at this and hopefully it will be a good experience.

Cheaper than Therapy

I tried at the beginning of the year to start blogging about crafts, recipes, and photography so that maybe my blog would get noticed.  There's a company that shows your blogs to other companies so that maybe they would want you to publish a review of one of their products.  Well, I tried that for a while, but I decided that's not what my blog is for.  It's awesome that other people make money on blogging.  Not many, but some.  My blog is more like therapy.  I don't have many regular followers, but I don't really blog for other people.  I do it for me.  There's just something about venting to a computer screen.  I hope in expressing what I'm feeling or describing what's going on in my life, if someone reads it, it will help them too.  Or at least be entertaining.  But it's really my cheap therapy.

That being said, I haven't been blogging as much as I used to.  I'm not sure exactly why.  It's not for lack of free time.  As of yesterday, I had been unemployed for over 2 months.  I had plenty of free time.  It's not that everything in my life is hunky dory.  I've still got my share of difficulties.  Whatever the reason, I decided it's time to blog again.

Bit by Bit

I've started making more progress on the wedding planning.  I picked up and dusted off that wedding planning binder that I bought and cracked it open.  I actually started writing in it this time.  All I need to secure the reservation at the chapel is to mail in the paperwork.  Ceremony site: done!

I have pretty much decided that we're going to use the student union ballroom for the reception.  It's just across the street and we can really make it look great without going overboard.  It's affordable too!  The only thing I worried about was that MSU dining had to be the caterer.  I don't have many references for them, but it does make another decision very easy!  So I think I'm ok with that.  So I've just got to call them Monday and book it.

Next on the list:  Photographer, Bakery, Florist.

Too Many Options!

Update on last week: Goal failed. The weather kinda put a kink in things. Will try again next week!

Tonight I got on a wedding planning kick.  I started looking at guest lists, venues, bridesmaids dresses, tuxes, flowers, cakes, etc.  I have concluded that there are entirely too many options and ideas out there.  I am a very visual person, so I look for pictures of things I like and add them to www.pintrest.com. You simply must check out this site.  It has so many ideas for crafts, recipes, weddings, clothes, and more. It's addicting.  I have my own "boards" here. Feel free to check those out as well.

I have been engaged for almost five months and I feel like I haven't done much with the planning. I do have almost 11 months left to plan, though.  We finally set a date (yay!) for December 8, 2012.  I booked the Chapel of Memories on Mississippi State's campus.  It's a gorgeous little chapel and it means something to both of us.  We met and started dating at State, so it's fitting. So that's two things down.

My mother and I have been hashing out wedding dress ideas and designs.  She's going to make my dress!  I'm very excited about this.  Even though I will have to wait a while to see myself in the finished product, it will be so special and definitely worth the wait.

Just Do It!

While I'm waiting for the Benadryl to kick in and quiet this noisy brain of mine, I thought I'd take a minute to write.
No, this isn't a post about Nike, but I think their slogan works nicely for where I'm going with this.
Too many times in this life have I over thought and over analyzed an idea or situation and in the end gave up or talked myself out of it. I will never accomplish any goals or get anywhere in life if I keep doing this! I have to "Just Do It!"
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't think about things before you act. God knows this has saved me from embarrassment and mistakes many, many times. But after you consider something, act!
I have been saying far too long that I need to lose weight. I need to cut the high sugar and carb intake, drink more water, and get off the couch. I know this and have weighed all my options, but I fail to act. My wedding is in 358 days. I refuse to not look and feel my best. I will act.
I will set small goals each week so I don't drown in a sea of disappointment and failure. My goal for next week is to walk 4 days and not to drink sodas. I think it's attainable. No, it IS attainable.
I am hoping that this plan will help me feel better about myself and will motivate me to do other things I want/need to do.
Question: What motivates you?

Exciting Changes!

So you might have noticed that I've made some changes to the ole blog.  How do you like it?  I've decided that my blog needs a bit of direction.  I hope that in the process, maybe I'll get a clue about what direction my life is going in.  I want this blog to be less about what's happening to me and more about what I'm doing. Instead of being the receiver, I want to be the doer.  I hope to focus more on my hobbies and talents.  Things like photography, cooking, crafts, and the like.  Anything I happen to be doing at the time.  So, let's hope this works.

I would also like to ask a favor of those reading.  For the sake of a little research, please post a comment if you read this post.  Something as simple as "I read it!" will do nicely.  It can be anonymous if you prefer.  I'm just trying to get an idea of how many of you are out there.

Thanks!

I'm a big girl now....?

Well, a good bit has happened in the past few weeks.  I'm engaged now. :)  I'm very happy and excited about it.  I haven't really started planning the wedding.  Haven't talked about it much either.  Has a lot to do with all the stress right now.

I've been on the road for three weeks doing my job.  It's a lot different than I thought it would be.  I'm not so sure I'm doing a good job.  I don't like being away from home.  There's a good bit of stress involved.  I'm not competitive or sales-minded.  I don't like working 13 hour days or sometimes longer. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I accepted the job.  Oh wait, I just wanted a paycheck.  I was ready to get my own apartment and be self sufficient.  It hasn't worked out so well and now I just feel stuck.  Sometimes I think I'm really dense.

I have come to dread two weekends every month.  My Love works every other weekend.  His work schedule combined with mine doesn't work together very well.  Weekends we spend together are amazing.  I don't want to do anything other than be with him.  Weekends he is working are long and often boring.  I travel all week, so the last thing I want to do on the weekends is travel more.  So I stay home.

I want things to be different.  But I don't know how to change them.

Constantly Moving

I thought I would update everyone on what's been going on in the past couple of weeks. I have started week three of training. I'll be in Nashville and then Portland this week. Last week was Charlotte. I'm so very tired of planes, airports, shuttles, delays, and layovers. Not to mention hotels and eating out every meal.

Each week is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. We are given so much information that at the end of the day I couldn't tell you my name. Doing my presentation in front of my directors last week was so stressful. Not to mention missing my guy. I hate leaving. It sucks so bad to be gone for 8 or 10 days straight with not much time to even talk on the phone.

I have all my stuff in my new apartment thanks to my amazing sister. But I haven't had a chance to even get things put away. It's bugging me. I would much rather stay home this week and next to get it all settled.

I went this morning to get my car title and tag, car insurance, and my MS driver's license. I'm officially a MS resident again. Yay!!!

I'm stuck at the gate with our flight delayed. Lovely. Have I mentioned that I hate flying?

A World Away

Tonight I find myself in Pittsburgh, PA.  I'm doing a week of training for my new job.  I was a mix of excited/nervous/sad.  I think it's going to be a good week, but I'm going to miss home.  I already miss my other half.  There will be a couple days where I won't get to talk long, if at all because of his work schedule and the time difference here.  Bummer.  :(

I have a roommate this trip. I wasn't exactly thrilled.  I guess it feels kinda like camp or some such.  Not very adult-like.  Oh well.  She's nice, but is asleep right now.  So I have to be quiet.  Boo.  I'd much rather have my own room, where I could watch tv or talk on the phone.

I'm not sure I'm going to like this being gone and traveling thing. Yes, there will be things that are neat about it, but I have a feeling on those weeks where I'm gone three nights straight that it's going to get lonely.  Not a fan of that.  Nonetheless, I have a job to do.  Gotta make that green.  Oh fun.  I've never particularly been fond of having a job.  Can't I just stay home?

Perseverance!

My perseverance in job hunting finally paid off!  I accepted a job offer last week.  I was so happy and excited to finally have a job and a way to support myself.  The things that are going to happen next in my life are pretty exciting.

For this job I have to go to training.  It will be about a month long.  I will be training in Pittsburgh, Charlotte, Nashville, and Portland.  I'm looking forward to the travel and meeting new people.  The only drawback is possibly being gone three or four weeks straight.  I'm gonna miss him a lot!  But we'll make it through alright.

I'm going Monday to look for an apartment.  I've been looking around on the internet for several days.  I found one place that looked amazing.  Too good to be true.  It was a huge one bedroom apartment for $200 less than I thought I would have to pay.  Well, after I read some reviews on it, I think it really is too good to be true.  About 4 reviews mentioned cars being broken into, and another mentioned a shooting!  Not exactly what I'm looking for.  I'll see all the law enforcement I need to see when my guy and I hang out (he's a deputy, if you're wondering).  I don't need them all around my apartment complex!  Luckily, I've located another complex with some really great floorplans.  I'll even get a room for an office here.  Rent is a little more that I'd like to pay, but I'll deal with it to live in a safe and nice place.

I've been trying to figure out my financial situation.  All the numbers and calculations, budgets, bank accounts, credit cards and insurance is making my head spin!  I've about got it all figured out now though.  At least for the moment.  I found a nifty Excel template to use for my budget.  You can find it here.

I guess that's about all for now.  Adios.

Hopes Rising

I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this job like I do every time, but as usual, it's not working very well.  I keep picturing myself doing this job.  I just hope it's coming across in the phone interviews.  I've had two so far, with one left on Monday.  I even dreamed about the job last night!  I should know the outcome by next Thursday or Friday.  Hoping for the best!

Well...

I made the cut to finalist, and I have three phone interviews scheduled this week and next.  So I'm hoping this pans out. We'll see.

Observation #1:
My friends are blogging more this summer.  I like that.  I love reading what's going on in their life via the great blogosphere.

Observations #2:
I love summer.  These are reasons why: sunglasses, frozen drinks, flip-flops, friends, sand, sun, sunscreen, water, mild nights, free time, country music, citrus, tans, windows down, reading, hobbies, and so much more.

Observations #3:
People in public who laugh at something they're reading or listening to are amusing.  I've done it before though, so I can't judge.

Observation #4:
This weekend My Love is going to get a boxer puppy.  I am as excited as he is.  I love puppies!

Observation #5:
I love coffee shops.  Especially this one in Brandon.  It's comfortable, relaxing, and fun to go to.

I think that's all the observations I have for now. Stay tuned.

Crossing My Fingers

I have found a fleeting internet connection and hope it lasts 'til I can finish the post!

Tonight I'm going to an information session about a job.  I have to speak while I'm there too.  I get so nervous when I speak in public!  But that's pretty much what the job requires, so I've got to beat the nerves and do good so they will hire me!  I need a job so bad!  It would help so many things that are going on right now.  Finances, family, my relationship, my sanity. No kidding.

I'm ready for my life to start, so to speak.  I'm ready for my days to be filled with meaningful work, seeing my guy, working out, and doing things I enjoy, instead of watching my guilty pleasure in the morning, eating, and searching for this phantom internet connection.  It's the highlight of my day when I have an errand to run.  I'm 22 years old.  I want to be doing things that a single (as in not married) girl should do.  Heck, if I make enough money, I may travel some.  

I always sit down to blog and think I have so much to say.  And maybe I do, but somehow it doesn't all translate from my brain to my fingers.  There's so much going on in my head and in my life.  Part of it gets cut for privacy sake.  I can't put everything online for all to see.  Some of it gets left out because I'm forgetful.  So I guess that only leaves a little bit left to write about.

I have a chance to go to Washington, D.C. this weekend.  It would be an awesome trip, but I'm afraid I'll miss out on a job opportunity.  I really can't decide anything until after tonight.

So, we all know that I don't like change.  But what if it's change that I had previously wanted?  Why do I have a problem with that?  I think half my problem is that I have an expectation of how the people I'm close to act.  When they act opposite of my notion, I freak out.  Even if it's something I wanted.  That makes no sense whatsoever.  I wonder sometimes what kind of nutcase am I?

Apparently the kind of nutcase who is contemplating joining a roller derby team.  I'm not sure if this is one of those I-read-it-in-a-book-or-saw-it-on-a-movie/tv-and-now-I-want-to-do-it urges, or if it's something I could actually do.  I guess if I ever get the courage up to go watch a practice, I'll find out.

So I guess I did have a bit to write about today.  Go figure.  Hopefully my next post will be titled "YOU'RE HIRED!"

The Waiting Game and A Little Mush

CAUTION: If mushy stuff appalls you, you might want to avoid this post.

But first, I'll talk about the waiting game.  I'm learning yet another lesson in patience.  I have been applying for jobs for almost four months now. I keep getting discouraged in thinking I'll never get hired.  It's tough waiting for employers to respond to applications, and most of the time they never do.  I also get stressed thinking about the financial aspect of things.  I need a new computer soon.  If it goes out, it'll be hard to keep looking for and applying for jobs.  Other things like that.  I need a job soon.  I need to get into a routine.  I think I'll be less neurotic that way.

Even through the worry, I still have time for the mushy stuff.  Just yesterday I was reminded how much I love him.  We were riding in the truck, on the way to get a Blizzard from DQ.  The windows were down, music up, and he was singing along.  I looked over at him, and he smiled at me. It still gives me butterflies.  And I still love holding his hand as much as I did the first time, seven months ago.  I don't ever want to lose that feeling.  We were talking just the other day about when we first started dating.  We didn't waste time getting to know each other.  From the first date, we spent pretty much every day together.  We have had some great times, and I cannot wait to see what's in store for us.  He is so good to me.  He takes care of me and loves me more than life.

The heat outside tells me summer is here, but this summer is different than I've ever experienced.  It hadn't really felt like summer until yesterday.  When we were in the car, riding with the windows down and summer country music playing, it started to feel like it.  I'm hoping to go to the reservoir this week sometime for a picnic.  Being by the water is very summery.

Well, I guess that's it for now.  Back to job hunting...    

Ready, Set...

So I'm not to the "Go" part yet.  I wish I was!  I really like Brandon.  I'm ready to move here, start working, and living.  I have an apartment complex in mind where I want to live, but it depends on whether or not they have one open.  There are a couple others that would be good too.  There's a Curves down the street that I'm thinking about joining.  I think it would be a better atmosphere for me to work out in.  A regular gym is too intimidating. I'm going tomorrow to the First Baptist Church to see what it's like.  I am really hoping something will happen this week as far as a job is concerned. I'm crossing my fingers.  I feel like my life is on hold and I'm just biding my time until it gets going again.  I know the days ahead will be great.  Working, being active, and spending time with my love.  It will be great. :)

“It’ll all work out.”

Please, please do not say that to me right now. I mean, if you really think about it, of course it will work out. There will be an outcome no matter what it is.  But how much heartache will it take until it's "worked out?"  How many tears until it's "worked out?"  How many hurt feelings and broken promises?  Well?

 

Why do I even try?  It's almost pointless.  I get disappointed again and again and again.  So why do I keep going?  Why do I apply for jobs?  Why do I make promises?  Why do people count on me when I can never, ever do anything right? 

 

I am having to fight so hard to keep those feelings away.  I cannot, absolutely cannot have a repeat of the same feelings I had last year.  I have no reason at all for them, but I didn't have a reason for them last year either.  I feel like I could crawl in bed and not come out for a month.  I really could this time though.  I don't have any obligations as far as school and job are concerned.  It's really tempting.

 

I hate the ache that's inside my heart.  I miss him so much it's a physical pain in my chest.  I count the days until we can be together again, but when I don't know when that will be, it's even worse. 

 

I hate not having a say in what's happening in my life right now.  I keep making plans and having dreams and they are immediately squashed.  It goes back to why do I even try?

 

I hate this. 

Running on Empty

I don't even know where to start.  The emotions I have swirling through my head are enough to make even the most emotionally stable person collapse in a heap.  I am trying so hard to make things work.  I am balancing relationships on either side and myself caught in the middle.  I have to think for myself, but also consider what each side is saying. If I try to do what I want to do, I'm accused of acting as someone else wants me to.  I do have a mind of my own.  At any given time, someone is going to be upset with me.  I've almost come to terms with this.  That's a big almost.

I hate this limbo I'm in.  I am 22 years old.  A recent graduate.  I have a gnawing desire to be out on my own, doing my thing.  I can't make that happen right now and it's about to kill me.  I am not a patient person.  I have waited and waited for the answer I need, and still haven't heard.  I don't know what plan B is.  I want plan A to work.  Why can't my phone ring, and on the other end hear, "you're hired!"?  I need to get hired, get an apartment, get a car, and start living my life as a 22 year old woman.  That's what I need.

Sleepless Night

Nights when I can't fall asleep are always tedious. Sometimes they're difficult, but tonight it's not bad things on my mind. Not bad things, just deep, thought-provoking things. I've done the typical things I usually do to occupy myself until I'm sleepy, but tonight that just added fuel to the fire.

I have a job interview for a job I really, really want in less than 2 weeks. I'm very excited, but nervous and anxious as well. I haven't had many other promising inquiries, and if I don't get this job it's going to be very disappointing. It seems just right for me: what I want to do and am capable of doing in the location I want to be in. I'm going to research as much as possible about the company and the position, and try to be my best at the interview.

I've also been thinking a lot about my future. There are very, very exciting things that I am looking forward to. There are also things that will be very difficult. There are certain aspects that I have no control over, and no idea how we'll accomplish that. But as long as I have the one I love by my side, we can make it though. I am about to head straight into the most difficult and rewarding life I could imagine.

Time for Something New...Another Something New

Amidst the newness approaching with April 30th, I am facing another new situation: a new car.  Alas, on the way to an interview last week, I was in a wreck. I wasn't hurt, but my poor, poor Saturn took the full brunt of the blow. She is totaled. :,(  So in the wake of losing my faithful 4 year college companion, I must find another vehicle.  I don't have much moo-lah to work with, so I'm going used.  Better value for the money anyway.  I have a hot lead on a Ford Explorer in Austin. It's maroon. :)  And has power petals and leather seats.  Fancy!  I'm hopefully going to look at it tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed!

My Dress Pants Don't Fit...

The title of this post brings me to two topics: 1) my clothes not fitting and 2) dress clothes. 

As for topic 1:

My clothes don't fit anymore. I've gained some weight since last semester. It seems to always happen in the spring, which is the worst possible time for it to happen because spring precedes summer. Bummer.  So I've decided that I can do a diet for 2 weeks.  The Special K diet to be exact.  Today was Day 1, and it wasn't so bad.  I had a protein shake for breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, a granola bar for snack, and a normal dinner.  I splurged a little by buying a coke and a small bag of chips (not just any chips- Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, aka crack chips. I'm addicted) this afternoon before my group meeting.  Tomorrow I will do better.  So here's to hoping I lose those 6 promised pounds in two weeks. 

Topic 2:

It's crunch time. And no, not because of the granola bar I'm eating.  It's because I graduate in exactly one month. Four weeks. Thirty days.  Yep.  I'm in overdrive applying for jobs.  I think I submitted 6 applications last night alone, and another 2 today.  I have two interviews lined up, starting tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. I'm hoping there's more to come.  The ideal situation would be to have to chose between job offers.  Yeah, I can definitely handle that. We'll see what comes though.

Time to Grow Up

I really started thinking today about graduation and the end of my college career.  I have been in a clean out mood the past couple days so I was cleaning out and organizing my room.  As I tried on clothes and decided what to keep and what to donate, and I came across a brown and pink polka dot dress.  It's a very cute dress, one that I've worn several times before.  I got it at the end of high school and wore into college.  I tried it on today (miraculously, this dress escaped the closet shrinkage that my other clothes have been infected with...), and looked at myself in the mirror.  It's still a cute style, but it just didn't fit the image of me, a 22 year old, soon to be independent career woman.

I can feel a change coming on, a different stage of life starting where one is ending. On one hand, it's sad that I'm no longer going to be a college student.  I'm going to miss lots of things about college.  There will be other things I won't miss so much.  But I'm definitely excited about what's to come. I'm excited about getting a full-time job and all the challenges and new opportunities that brings.  I'm excited about moving into my own apartment again (like I did freshman year of college), but being on my own and independent.  Though that brings tons and tons of responsibility with it, I think I'm ready.  I hope so anyway.  If I'm not, I have people that will always be there to help me.  I'm excited about spending the summer with My Other Half and getting to know each other more.  The past five months have been phenomenal.  I couldn't have asked for more, and I have been happier than I've ever been.  But that is a different story.  One I could write pages and pages on.

I'm trying very hard to make good decisions for myself, and to form a foundation that will serve me well throughout my life.  It's really difficult sometimes.  I have to juggle different roles: student, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. It's not easy.  But it is fulfilling to have those great relationships in my life.  A lot of people don't have that. I'm very blessed in so many ways.
 

Surrounded by Books

I'm killing time before my group meeting.  I had to come to town early, but didn't want to go back to my house and then turn right around and go to campus.  So I'm sitting in the forth floor of the library in a very cozy spot. There's a chair sitting by a window, and there are rows and rows of books to my left.  I like being surrounded by books. Makes me feel instantly smarter.  Also makes me miss reading for pleasure.  I keep saying I'll get a chance to in the summer, but who knows.  I'd like to though.  I have about 4 books on my shelf at home that I have never read.

The wait is killing me.  I have applied for several jobs and have heard nothing from them.  I don't think I got the job I interviewed for last week.  It's a bummer.  I'm going to try to start babysitting again for some extra cash. I hate having to worry about money.

Right Now

Things on my mind right now:

1) Photography.  I want to take more pictures.  I see pictures that other people have taken and I'm jealous. And in awe.  And it makes me happy.  I haven't even picked up my camera in weeks.  Sad.

2) Homeschooling.  Begin in college now, and about to graduate, I haven't thought much about it recently. I almost miss it. Weird.  Never thought I'd say that.  But I was reading The Pioneer Woman blog tonight (which is an awesome blog, btw. thepioneerwoman.com) and there was a post from her daughter about homeschooling.  There aren't many things I've passionate about, but this is one of them.  I lived through all my school years homeschooling and loved it.  I never wished to be in public school.  And when people throw the "problems" with homeschooling in my face, I get really defensive and want to tear into someone.  Especially the "homeschoolers are socially disadvantaged" argument.  It doesn't hold water.  Do you know how many public or private school kids I've met that are socially awkward?  It doesn't matter where you went to school, it matters how you were raised. So it's a terrible argument.  I want to homeschool my kids. I realize that everyone will oppose that, possibly even my spouse at first, but it's something I feel strongly about.  My mom and dad will be the biggest supporters though.  My mom knows first-hand all the trials and rewards involved.  She's the reason I want to homeschool my kids.

3) Pizza: With a side of ranch, is in the fridge that is calling my name.

Mobile Blogging

Because I'm a girl on the go, I thought I would try out mobile blogging. Hopefully I'll be able to post more often this way. It's not too often that I sit down at the computer with nothing else to do but blog. In the last couple weeks, it's not often I'm sitting in one place too long at a time. 

It occurred to me this morning walking to class that I should think about 1) things I should do before marriage and 2) things I should do before kids. Not that either one of those things is imminent, but I don't want to wind up looking back and having regrets or trying to be 22 again when I'm a wife and mother. I've known people who have done that and it's not cool. Not for the marriage and not for the kids. So this is just me looking three steps ahead (as usual). 

Senioritis is kicking in. Actually, it's kicking like a mule. My attention is all but gone during lecture and my drive to get things done isn't very strong at this point. My major class takes most of my attention, but other classes are way under that in my priorities. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like crap lately. So much so that I'm going to the doctor about it. I hate going to the doctor... 

Cross your fingers for my job interview tomorrow at 11. It's a student worker position for this semester. Still waiting to hear about the post-grad jobs I've applied for.

New Reads

Because of my hectic life at the moment, I don't have time to read books like I'd like to. But I manage time for blogs. And not during class...ahem. Anywho, I'm looking for new and exciting/interesting blogs to follow. Suggestions? Muchas gracias.

Blahs and Boo-hoos

The past two weeks have been stressful. I haven't been in a great mood.  One of those moods where all the little things start meshing together and making one Big Thing that threatens to eat me whole. Not so fond of that feeling.  At least it's not the breathing under water feeling.  But the past two weeks have been especially trying. I'm to that "I can't do anything right" point. I'm disappointing people right and left. My feelings get hurt way too easily. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've had a perpetual headache for about a week now.  Exhausted from the time I step out of bed.  School is getting the better of me.  Yikes.  It's a mess.

Today was rough. I wished I could wake up and try it all over again from the beginning.  I'm not sure why these two weeks have been so rough.  Nothing earth-shattering have happened.  Just small things popping up.  A large part of it is my mood and not feeling well.  I'm being strongly encouraged to go to the doctor about it, but I'm not so keen on that idea.  I know I need to though. Ugh.

I'm tired but I'm in no mood to sleep.  I need to work some things out of my system.  I'm aware that 1:36 a.m. is a bad time to do that, but it is what it is.  I have the urge to go back and read my old journals right now.  I was watching a show earlier that was talking about a journal this guy had back when he was a teenager and how his mom found it and read it.  I have several old journals about random stuff.  Most of them were when I was a teenager too. We'll see what I find.

I'll get to sleep eventually.

Austen

I've been in a Jane Austen mood lately.  I love her books and wish I had time to read them more.  I have a good many of the movies that they made from the books.  They're all very good.  I especially like the BBC mini series of Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

I'm fascinated by the time period and the characters in her stories.  The scenery, music, and clothing are all so beautiful.  I think it's the allure of another time and place that draws me to it.  The stories and characters are not so different than people today.  If you take away the clothing and speech, they would act just as people do today.  Austen crafts her characters to point out human flaws.  The stories are touching and deep, but also have elements of humor.  I love it all.

"The Time Has Come"...

...the walrus said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll

As the title implies, it's time for another post.  I should be asleep right about now, but isn't that how things always go. 

Christmas break was great.  I got time to see my family and spent Christmas morning with people I love.  It was hard being away from my guy, but we managed to handle the distance well.  I'm back in Starkvegas this week and have been spending time with him and settling in for the next semester.  I had a job interview on Monday that I think went very well.  I'll get the results of that later this week. (Crossing my fingers that I got the internship!)  Classes officially start tomorrow, but I only have Tuesday-Thursday classes.  Should be pretty great.  I'm in a cleaning mood tomorrow, so I plan on going through closets and such and getting rid of unnecessaries.  Better watch out, Mr. Closet Monster, I'm comin' in.  

While being in this relationship is more that I ever dreamed or imagined, I need to be careful about some things.  My personality is what I'm going to phrase an adapter.  I change to fit other people's personality so that everything works.  While that's a great thing sometimes, other times I tend to lose a bit of myself.  I'm fully aware of it this time around, so I think I can do a few things to make sure I'm not changing to make others happy.  Compromise is one thing, complete overhaul is another.  I need to make sure I keep around the things  that are essentially me.  For instance, my guy likes country music.  So do I, and have for quite some time now.  But there is other music that I like, that I listened to quite a bit before I met him.  It's not like he told me I can't listen to that music now, but I just adapt my music tastes to his.  Some of it is legitimately that I like the same music, and others it that I listen to it because he likes it.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I shouldn't lose the other kinds of music that I like in the process.  Most of the things are very small and not too noticeable.  But if I want someone to love me just like I am, I need to be fully myself and not an adapter.  I'm working on it. 

Things that are essentially me: I like some girly things like chick flicks, jewelry, purses, and other general foo-foo at times.  I like classical music, popular rock, and acoustic/bluegrass.  As country as I am, there's a good bit of the whole rocker girl there.  I'm a bit of a rebel.  I'm competitive and independent to a point.  I can take care of myself.  I really enjoy things like fine Italian food, hot tea, classic literature, plays, symphonies, and museums.  I love skiing and ice skating.  I dream of going to Italy one day. 

Speaking of ice, it's freezing in here.  It's interesting sometimes when it's my sister paying the light bill.  Needless to say, our heater isn't getting a big workout at the moment.  There are currently four blankets on my bed.  There would be a few more, but I'm too cold to get up and get another one from the living room.  That reminds me, I need to get up and brush my teeth.  Sigh.  I hate getting ready for bed.  I'd like to just fall into bed and pass out.  But no, I've got to wash my face, take meds, and brush my teeth.  Oh well.  Here goes.  Until next time, goodnight to my wonderful world of internet readers.        

Thousand Dollar Wit

Soo... Recently my posts (though sparing) have been somewhat in the direction of the not so happy. Ok, downright depressing. But I've decided to pull out that thousand dollar wit and humor again to have you thoroughly entertained.  Ok, so somewhat amused at least.  I hope.  Ahem.

So let's get the ball rolling.  Since I don't have anything in particular to rant about nor do I have an appropriate soapbox topic as of late, I'll go on about what's going on in my life.  I know you're on the edge of your seat now.

I successfully (depending on how you define success) finished another semester of college.  I passed all my classes and didn't bomb my gpa too bad.  I have ONE more semester left!  It can't end soon enough.  But then again, I like the college life.  Just not the classes, tests, teachers, and that sort of stuff.  Ah well.  I'm taking 12 hours (the least number of hours I've had in the history of ever) and I'm looking forward to it.  I also hopefully will have an internship (cross your fingers Monday morning).  I hope it will be the jump-start I need to begin this whole career thing.

I am happier than I've been...pretty much ever.  Most of that is due to a wonderful addition to my life.  You'll probably get tired of hearing about him, but I don't care.  This is my blog, after all.  I figure if you didn't like hearing me ramble on, you would have stopped following long ago! (Because rambling is my middle name.  Ok, not really. That would be awful silly.  My momma loves me more than that.) Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  I am being treated like the inner princess that I am (tongue-in-cheek here, people) and we have so much fun together.  I have finally found someone who can be as goofy as I am, and understands all my random cartoon movie references.  Hello, first date we watched The Emperor's New Groove.  Can you say keeper? That's all I'll go on about right now.  Stay tuned for more gushing. ;)

I have direction in my life and that makes me happy as well.  I like having a plan.  And making lists.  And brainstorming.  And being organized.  Probably to the point of obsession, but hey, one must obsess about something.  Or somethings...  I digress.  So here's the plan (I've stopped putting letters e.g. A, B, C because there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet...):  Get an internship and finish my last semester of college.  I love multitasking.  Yay.  Then, in a perfect world, that internship would morph into a full-time job.  If not, I'll find a full-time job somewhere.  I want to stay in the Starkville area for a while.  That will allow me to save up some money and get my feet under me.  That's about as far as I've gotten, but it's much farther than I was just a couple months ago.

I am in a crafty mood as of late.  Not the trick you kinda crafty, but the make cool stuff out of regular stuff kinda crafty.  My project in progress is making Christmas ornaments.  Yes, I'm aware that December 25th has already passed.  I'm looking ahead to next Christmas.  They're made of paper circles that you score and glue together to form a geometrical sphere thing.  I'll have to post a picture later.  Hard to explain.  Anyhow, they're made with cool vintage/old fashioned-looking paper.  I think that shall be the theme to the Christmas decorations I'm amassing slowly.  I've decided to get three jars.  One with $, another with $$, and the third with $$$ written on them.  In them I'll put slips of paper with ideas for craft projects.  Most of the ones I do right now will probably come out of the $ jar, seeing as how I'm broke most of the time.

I have a fabulous idea to start my own business.  I want to be a special events coordinator.  (That's my official title.  Party planner sounds a bit unimpressive).  I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, some of which have landed on paper in my Book of Gradios Ideas.  Yes, it has a title.  Just go with it.  I have a rather large bubble around my head and would hate to have it slap someone in the face when it popped.  Just sayin'.

So there are some random, off-the-wall, crazy things that are going on right now.  Hope you were enterta--I mean, slightly amused. Adios por ahora.

  

         

The Center of a Pound Cake

Tasting the hottest hot sauce in Texas

and there’s no bread nor milk

anywhere around.

Pressing your face into the glass

of the cake shop downtown

knowing you can’t afford McDonald’s

much less a $2,500 wedding cake.

Going for hours after eating

a bowl full of pistachios

without a single glass of water

to soothe that burning saltiness

on your tongue.

Smelling the forbidden pecan pie

in the oven your mother

is taking to the church picnic,

knowing you’ll never get a slice.

Running to the kitchen

after a terrible day at school,

looking behind the Slim Fast

for the hidden tub of cookie dough,

then realizing your brother

ate all of it.

Missing you is worse

than the lingering burn

on the tongue after a too eager

bite of steaming, buttered cornbread. 

How to Go From Boredom to Philosophy

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

Secondary labor market, economy, administrations—

Save no room for these words in your head.

Fill your mind with more important musings, not

the secondary labor market, economy, or administrations.

Let the words from the front breeze by your ears while

your mind is filled with more important musings.

Only come because of the guilt.

Let the words from the front sting your ears

while you are busy making grand life plans.

Only come because of the guilt

of skipping the past three classes.

Be busy making grand life plans

none of which involve sitting in this class.

Skip the next three classes so that you can

spend the whole next day contemplating your perfect love life.

Nothing you want in life involves sitting in this class.

You can’t help that you have no more room left in your head

because you spend your days contemplating your perfect love life.

Sit in class, let your mind start to wander.

All This and None

I am grey-green eyes looking

straight into you,

softness and fire.

I am an off-center smile scrunching one cheek

in amusement or embarrassment;

lips that hold cutting

sarcasm or a goodbye kiss.

I am grown in Magnolias,

matured in the Lone Star;

the paradox of sunset, constant

but changing.

I am pearls bouncing on the collarbone

going secret speeds

on a crotch rocket,

Michael Bublé in all black and chains.

I am the iris looking at life

through an 18-55 mm lens,

memories like pictures capturing

moments, smiles, emotions.

I am sweet potato casserole, thick black coffee,

clinking iced tea and the middle

biscuit won by a quick hand.

I am a picture of who

I’ll become, a thousand words morphing

into countless pages.

I am all this and none,

more than this ink on blank white,

scrawled down out of half duty

and half inspiration.

I am a question mark in the middle

of the sentence.

Much Thanks to Give

I haven't posted much lately, so to regain my "chatty" status I thought I would write a little about what's going on in my life right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so I started thinking about all the things I have to give thanks for.  I cannot even begin without thanking God for everything he has done in my life.  Every breath is due to his grace.  Without him my life would be totally meaningless.  It really is true that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  He has given me so much.

My family is amazing.  My father always gives the best goodnight hugs.  He has set an example of hard work and dedication in our family.  I love his sense of humor, the way he teases my mom, and everything he has ever done for me.  My mother is an awesome person.  She has always been there to hold me when I cry and make things better.  She tells me when I mess up, but doesn't rub it in my face when I realize she's right (which she always is!).  She teaches me so many things.  She has shared a love of cooking, reading, sewing, and designing. If I turn out to be half the woman she is, I'll be happy.  My sister is probably the strongest person I know.  She's determined and passionate.  We have great times together laughing until we cry and general goofing off.  I can always count on her to tell it like it is.  My brother is so talented.  He can play just about any instrument and he's athletic too.  He and I play silly games and are constantly quoting movies back and forth.  I love my family so very much and couldn't do without them.  It's amazing that they love me and put up with me like they do!

God has blessed me with an awesome boyfriend.  At the point where I thought I would be alone for a while, if not the rest of my life, I met this man.  He is so special to me even in the few weeks we've known each other. We laugh together, have serious discussions, or just sit down and be near each other and it's all amazing.  He treats me like a princess and takes care of me, but also lets me be me.  He is strong, caring, and a leader.  He can be goofy and have me rolling on the floor laughing, or so incredibly sweet that the things he say make me wanna cry because they touch me that much.  Since he has been around, I don't even think about people or situations that have hurt me in the past.  I don't know exactly what will happen in the future, but I do know that I am loving every second of the present.

I'm so very thankful to have great people in my life.  At points in my life, there have been people who have touched me in ways I never thought possible.  Whether those people are still in my life, or have moved on, I'm still thankful for them nonetheless.  There have been people who helped me through rough times, taught me, mentored me, been there to listen or give advice, or simply just be around.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

I am so very glad to be almost done with school.  I have but two weeks left in this semester, and one more semester to complete until I graduate.  5 months and 5 days from now, I will be a Mississippi State Alumnus. I have applied for an internship at a bank here, which might turn into a full-time job.  Hopefully I'll hear whether I get an interview during Christmas break.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm not as worried about finding a job because I have a little bit of direction now.  I know that things will work out.  I've seen evidence of it, and I have a promise that God will work things out for good.  I really believe that in my heart now.  I doubted it for a while, but now I'm sure.

What are you thankful for?

Lately

Life is good.

A Noche

Lonely nights are not fun. Maybe one day I won't have to hate that time right before I go to bed, when my head is going non-stop and my heart aches.

Super Glue

I'm waiting on my terribly slow computer to tag some photos for work, so I figured I'd write.


I had a super amazing weekend.  We had Monday and Tuesday off from school, so a few friends and I drove to Texas to spend the weekend.  Me and three others drove out Friday night, and went to the MSU v. UH football game in Houston the next day.  The whole day was pretty fun.  We got to spend some time at the Alumni tailgate before the game.  Then we beat UH.  Great day.  On the way home, because it was late and we were tired, there was a good bit of laughing and cutting up going on.  Mostly centered around swiping a "table tent" from Whataburger and reading jokes on the way back to the house.  One of those "had to been there" kinda things.  Sunday was more laid back.  We went to church, then went out to shoot the new guns.  I was pretty excited to shoot mine for the first time.  Good times. I'm pretty sure I have hearing damage from shooting without ear protection, but oh well.  We went to hang out at the Property later that afternoon.  Great time just hanging out and talking with people.  Monday was our San Antonio adventure.  We went all over the place: the Alamo Cafe for some amazing tortillas, the zoo, the Alamo, the Tower of the Americas, Main Plaza.  It was really great.  I got to spend time with my best friend, and get to know the two guys who went. Though we weren't home too much, it was great to see my parents.  I miss them so much!  I'm blessed with some pretty great people in my life.  I try never to take that for granted.  No matter how many miles separate you from those who are important to you, don't let distance lessen your relationship, or keep new ones from growing.


After a couple of pretty horrible weeks, things are looking up.  Or maybe I'm just looking Up now, and things are just easier when I'm not trying to handle it by myself.  I'm really trying not to worry as much and really let God handle it.  I mean, after all, He created the universe, so He's more than able to handle my minute little life.  Driving home from class today I noticed that the leaves on the trees are starting to change.  If they're changing, now's as good a time as any for me to change as well.  I'm really not sure why I beat my head against the wall and try to make things work out the way I want them to work.  The simple fact is that if it's going to work, it will, regardless of me.  On the other hand, if it's not meant to be, it's still going to fall apart no matter how many times I rush in with super glue to fix every crack.


Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
This verse has always struck a cord in me.  I understand it on a surface level, but it still perplexes me.  What does it mean to "delight" yourself in the Lord?  Just substituting another word like "obey" or "follow" doesn't seem to be it.  The way I look at it is that God really enjoys your company.  It sounds cheesy, but it makes sense to me.  There are people who I am around that I like, people I don't particularly care for, and people I don't really notice all that much.  But when I'm with someone who I really love spending time with, miss them when I don't see them in a while, and really think they're a great person, I "delight" in that person.  I think that's what we should strive for in our walk with God.  He should be happy to be around us (because He's around us all the time!) and that he is pleased in the way we're living our life.  Ok, so now that I know kinda what delight is, what about the second half of the verse?  "He will give you the desires of your heart."  I heard a pastor say once that God doesn't put a dream in your heart without there being a purpose for that.  God has most definitely put a dream in my heart.  I'm striving to delight in Him so that maybe this dream will happen someday soon.  And when it does, I'll have only God to thank, because, as I mentioned before, my super glue can't fix every crack.  Only the Potter can craft a vessel that's a perfect fit, whole and right.  That's what I'm banking on.  

It's That Time Again

I should blog soon.

Dog Bites

If you had a dog that bit you every time you touched it, would you keep petting it? No! That would be dumb.  So why do I do the exact same thing?  How many times does it have to hurt before I quit reaching out? I can predict what will happen.  It's not like I'm ignorant of it, I just disregard it.  I tell myself that I deserve better and don't do it again; I'm through!  And then I turn around and act like a fool again.  How I must look to people.  So foolish and stupid.  Maybe I'll learn one day.

Desperation

There’s a lonely man thinkin’ about a long lost love
The gleam in a young girl’s eye
The content of a man just in from the cold
With a pretty young thing by his side

But he threw it away like a lifetime wasted
Still learnin’ what he ought to know
Once a fresh young buck now he’s down on his luck
And the miles are startin’ to show

So if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night

There’s a lonely girl sitting with a chip on her shoulder
Feeling that time’s runnin’ out
The dismay of a woman who never saw it coming
Never knew what it was about

The confusion of a girl who watched as her whole world
Completely unraveled at the seams
Once the toast of the town now it all comes down
To findin’ the man of her dreams

And when the lights go down and you’re all alone
You think you’ll never find love but you don’t wanna go home

But if you’re looking for a little affection
Don’t go waiting for the timing to be right
The trouble with romance is taking your chances
In the desperation of a downtown night 


By Mickey and the Motorcars

Life Recently

I really haven't done much writing on here since the semester started.  Not because I don't have time, but I really don't have the energy to sit down and sort out all my thoughts.  I try to stay busy with things that I don't have to think about too much.  But I'm sitting here in the Union, as I always do on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I have a ridiculous break, about three hours to kill.  Most of the time there's someone sitting there with me, but right now they're occupied doing other things across the table from me.  So it's a good a time as any.

School is going well.  Even with 18 hours, the work load isn't unbearable.  I have a feeling this will change when midterms roll around in a couple weeks, but it's nice for now.  I'm taking three elective classes, so that's nice.  One of them I actually like- floral design.  The only thing we've done so far is listen to lectures, but tomorrow I get my first set of flowers and have to make things with them.  Pretty excited.  My Italian class is good too.  There's a lot of learning I have to do on my own.  Basically we're supposed to learn it from the book and just practice in class.  Not my favorite way of doing things, since I learn better audibly, but oh well.

As far as my "love life" or whatever you want to call it, it's non-existent.  Refer to the previous post.  I have a slight crush, but I've decided not to give it much attention or thought.  It would inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.   I don't hang out with friends as much as I did, either.  I miss it.

There's never a shortage of drama in my life.  Whether I create it or it just happens, I'm not sure.  But nevertheless it's there.  I tend to struggle with the same things over and over again.  I think I'm over it, then it comes back and bites me in the butt.  I'm rather tired of it, honestly.  But what can I do?

In other news, I still don't know what to do with my life.  Big surprise, right?  I'm tempted to find a job somewhere, just any good job, and move off somewhere a good way off and start fresh.  Start saving for a few things I'd like to buy.  Try to enjoy being young and single for a while. I guess it'll have to do.

I'm going home this weekend.  I can't wait.  I need family time.  Time where I can be the kid and let my parents worry about stuff instead of me.  OK, so that's probably just a delusion, but it will be nice to be with everyone for a little while.  I miss my parents.  I need a hug.